Women! How do I ask you out???

LegacyUser

Women! Lifes greatest mystery! The eight wonder of the world!

I have so little confidence when it comes to women. I have pathetic little experience and am as shy as they come.

Yet there is this girl lately that I have noticed smiles and says hello to me and throws the odd glance.

I have been in this situation before. I assumed she was into me and made a total arse of myself and ended up being humiliated and hurt!

But I would like to ask this girl out but not sure how to go about it. She works in a shop that I go into a couple times a week. But with customers around its awkward and weird.

I've done the whole "hiya", "how are you", "see you next time" thing. But what next???

Do you women folk get freaked out if a complete stranger who you exchange smiles with asks you to go for coffee/drinks or asks you your name and number?

Women, advise me Pleaassseeee!!!

Talliesin

wantawoman wrote:

Women! Lifes greatest mystery! The eight wonder of the world!

wantawoman wrote:

Do you women folk get

wantawoman wrote:

Women, advise me Pleaassseeee!!!

You have summed up your problem right here.

Women are no more a mystery than men are (which of course does mean they're completely bloody mysterious, but so are all men). They are not a different species to us. Women's brains operate on a mixture of logic and emotion just like men's.

Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus and no amount of books published by a fraud with a phoney doctorate will make it so.

She already knows you to say hello to, so the ice is broken already. Some time when it's quiet ask her if she'd like to out for a drink/meal/film/whatever.

Then one of two things will happen:

1. She will say no.
2. She will say yes.

Nothing makes the first possibility impossible I'm afraid. Chances are most people in the world will not want to date you, whether due to current relationships or just because you don't do it for them.

That's pretty much it though. Notice the lack of options like:

1. A meteor will fall from the sky onto your head and kill you.
2. Your arms will fall off.
3. Your pets will all die.
4. US armed forces will invade the Arran Islands.

That is because none of these things will happen. You don't even run the risk of a couple of days awkwardness with a friend because you don't know her that well. Even if she does say no she'll quite likely take it as a compliment.

Note also that the two possibilities are exactly the same possible responses from yourself if a woman asks you out. Cut out the poncy "life's great mystery" crap; that's what's causing you problems.

Crumble Froo

iiiiiiiiiiiinteresting... my mate told me only today that the guy who comes into where she works and fancies the arse of asked for her number and shes absolutely thrilled.

been textin him loads apparently...

so it's entirely possible she wont be offended.

ive had a guy or two come on to me while working on tills before too... i didnt think twas weird, but i did have to shoot them down due to already havin a fella.

Jesus Wept

Talliesin wrote:

You have summed up your problem right here.

Women are no more a mystery than men are

Women's brains operate on a mixture of logic and emotion just like men's.

good god. Men are a lot more straight forward than women folk.
Women have contrary reasoning at the best of times.

---

Good luck OP

seahorse

Talliesin wrote:

Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus and no amount of books published by a fraud with a phoney doctorate will make it so.

You're right there Talliesin; that is not the situation at all: Men are from Mars and Women are from Earth! lol

OP; I think you should just gently ask her if she'd like to go for a drink sometime. Try not to worry too much about coming across as shy. Bear in mind that shyness can be and often is endearing. Personally I think it's terribly cute. Wouldnt you think it was cute if she came over all shy when you asked her?

Go for it and let us know how you got on. Good luck.

tuxy

seahorse wrote:

You're right there Talliesin; that is not the situation at all: Men are from Mars and Women are from Earth! lol

So Mars must be the plant were all things logical come from!

seahorse

tuxy wrote:

So Mars must be the plant were all things logical come from!

Cannot be; otherwise you'd all have had the logic to stay there!

LegacyUser

'

Talliesin wrote:

Cut out the poncy "life's great mystery" crap; that's what's causing you problems.

Chill, I meant it in a light hearted manner!

I am not good at asking the ladies out. Any girl I ever hooked up with was usually through a group of friends. I see blokes going up to girls (usually pub) and I cringe as I can see the uncomfortable expression on the faces.

My friend has no problem going up to a girl but its just not me. I have confused girls being friendly towards me before with them actually being interested and made a fool out of myself

This situation is awkward as she can be busy and doesn't really have the time to stop what she is doing to converse and write down her number.'

Gumbyman

Go for it man! You have nothing to lose. If you can't get up the courage to ask her (it can be fairly daunting - especially in front of other people) what about leaving her a little note? Something like "Not very comfortable asking with all these people around but would you like to meet up for a coffee after work sometime? Wantawoman *insert mobile number*." Easy way out but better than not getting out at all!!

Best of luck.

Victor

wantawoman wrote:

This situation is awkward as she can be busy and doesn't really have the time to stop what she is doing to converse and write down her number.'

Ethicat says that you should write down your number and give it to her while asking her out. It means she isn't put in hte spot of a relative stranger asking for her contact details.

Wibbs

wantawoman wrote:

I have so little confidence when it comes to women. I have pathetic little experience and am as shy as they come.

Confidence is a big part of it. Without being cocky of course. There's a balance.

I have been in this situation before. I assumed she was into me and made a total arse of myself and ended up being humiliated and hurt!

Who hasn't? Making an arse of yourself is not always a bad thing. You'll know and deal with better the next time.

But I would like to ask this girl out but not sure how to go about it. She works in a shop that I go into a couple times a week. But with customers around its awkward and weird.

I've done the whole "hiya", "how are you", "see you next time" thing. But what next???

I think Victor has the best advice. Pop your details on a note and give it to her in as easy going confident a manner as you can muster. As Victor says it'll take the pressure off her.

Women, advise me Pleaassseeee!!!

Dunno about that. Half the time people don't know what they want. They'll say ABC, but then go off with someone who is XYZ. That goes for both men and women.:D Maybe ask one of your mates who is good at this sort of thing. If he gets results he may be doing something right. Most likely he gets results from being confident, approachable, easy in female company and not getting too worked up if he gets rejected.

Talliesin wrote:

You have summed up your problem right here.

I think he was joking. A little at least.

Women are no more a mystery than men are (which of course does mean they're completely bloody mysterious, but so are all men).

I'd buy that at least partially. Then again if you're one gender or the other you'll find a greater affinity with one's own gender than the other in a lot of cases. You can observe that almost daily, not least in romantic attachments. Look at the thread about the woman and her arguments with her partner. Look at the responses divided along gender lines.

They are not a different species to us. Women's brains operate on a mixture of logic and emotion just like men's

But in different ways(on average of course). Study after study has shown the biological differences between men and women are there. The old idea of nurture being the sole or majority influence on the difference between the sexes has lost most of it's currency these days. Even the actual structure of the brains differ between the genders. They have wildly different propensities to suffer from neurological conditions(far far more autistic men as an example). Women on average are better at empathising than men. They are better at better at reading emotions and intentions than men. They generally get the big picture far more quickly than men. They often engage socially far better than men. Look at mens and womens magazines. While advertisers and the culture informs much of it, the weight and slant of discussion about relationships is vastly different. There's a reason for that.

http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=00018E9D-879D-1D06-8E49809EC588EEDF
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=PTO-20030624-000003

Does that mean that men and women are going to be reading from a different page? No not all the time, not even most of the time, but it's good to be aware of the differences in communication that can cause trouble.

She already knows you to say hello to, so the ice is broken already. Some time when it's quiet ask her if she'd like to out for a drink/meal/film/whatever.

Then one of two things will happen:

1. She will say no.
2. She will say yes.


Nothing makes the first possibility impossible I'm afraid. Chances are most people in the world will not want to date you, whether due to current relationships or just because you don't do it for them.

That's pretty much it though. Notice the lack of options like:

1. A meteor will fall from the sky onto your head and kill you.
2. Your arms will fall off.
3. Your pets will all die.
4. US armed forces will invade the Arran Islands.


That is because none of these things will happen. You don't even run the risk of a couple of days awkwardness with a friend because you don't know her that well. Even if she does say no she'll quite likely take it as a compliment.

Agreed. bears repeating.

Note also that the two possibilities are exactly the same possible responses from yourself if a woman asks you out.

Yes but the responses often arrive from different angles. Reverse the situation. Woman asks man out in shop in a confident manner. The chances of failure are higher as too many men are sadly put off by what they perceive as "overly confident" or forward women. A man using the same tactic in a confident manner(without being cocky) will succeed more often.

BoozyBabe

Ok, would I be freaked if you asked for my number?

If I fancied you, no, not at all
If I'd never even thought of you in that way, & thought the smiles were nothing more than a friendly face, then, yea, a bit. Not freaked as such, but I wouldn't want to give you my number, so that'd be awkward (& you could end up on Flirt Divert on Radio 1 )

Would I be freaked out if you asked me out for coffee / drink?

If I fancied you, no.

If I didn't, no, not really. I'd think it sweet, it'd be a nice compliment & I'd just let you down gently.

So, if you were to ask me, I'd ask for the coffee, not the number.
BUT, I'd imagine a lot of people might say the oposite, I don't know!!

bogzilla

i've been after this girl in work for about two months. all the same stuff was happening, the odd glances, smiling.

i was VERY nervous but i said f*ck it and asked her out for a coffee some evening after work.

we're on date 4 now and things are going great.

remember, if she says no, so be it, nobody died!

but at least you tried and it is the ballsy thing to do.

good luck compadre.

TheHulk

bogzilla wrote:

but at least you tried and it is the ballsy thing to do.

that one line is the best comment in this thread. Go for it!

Maple

Go for it man, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Just simply ask her if she fancies grabbing a coffee after work. She'll either say yes or no.

best of luck OP!

louisecm

Talliesin wrote:

You have summed up your problem right here.

Women are no more a mystery than men are (which of course does mean they're completely bloody mysterious, but so are all men). They are not a different species to us. Women's brains operate on a mixture of logic and emotion just like men's.

Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus and no amount of books published by a fraud with a phoney doctorate will make it so.

She already knows you to say hello to, so the ice is broken already. Some time when it's quiet ask her if she'd like to out for a drink/meal/film/whatever.

Then one of two things will happen:

1. She will say no.
2. She will say yes.

Nothing makes the first possibility impossible I'm afraid. Chances are most people in the world will not want to date you, whether due to current relationships or just because you don't do it for them.

That's pretty much it though. Notice the lack of options like:

1. A meteor will fall from the sky onto your head and kill you.
2. Your arms will fall off.
3. Your pets will all die.
4. US armed forces will invade the Arran Islands.

That is because none of these things will happen. You don't even run the risk of a couple of days awkwardness with a friend because you don't know her that well. Even if she does say no she'll quite likely take it as a compliment.

Note also that the two possibilities are exactly the same possible responses from yourself if a woman asks you out. Cut out the poncy "life's great mystery" crap; that's what's causing you problems.

Bah ha ha ha ha haaa...brilliant post.

LegacyUser

BoozyBabe wrote:

Ok, would I be freaked if you asked for my number?

If I fancied you, no, not at all
If I'd never even thought of you in that way, & thought the smiles were nothing more than a friendly face, then, yea, a bit. Not freaked as such, but I wouldn't want to give you my number, so that'd be awkward (& you could end up on Flirt Divert on Radio 1 )

Would I be freaked out if you asked me out for coffee / drink?

If I fancied you, no.

If I didn't, no, not really. I'd think it sweet, it'd be a nice compliment & I'd just let you down gently.

So, if you were to ask me, I'd ask for the coffee, not the number.
BUT, I'd imagine a lot of people might say the oposite, I don't know!!

Thanks for that boozybabe. I keep catching her looking my way and she makes sure she says hello etc. I would like to think she fancies me but I guess you never know. I have been led to believe that before about girls and it turned out they weren't.

Any other women out there like to share how they liked to be asked out and how they would feel if they were working behind a till and a guy asks them out for coffee.

I don't think I could ask directly for her number. I think thats a bit too forward.

DRakE

Talliesin wrote:

Women's brains operate on a mixture of logic

Sorry but I couldn't get any farther into the thread without laughing :P

Talliesin

Wibbs wrote:

I think he was joking. A little at least.

Yes. But why that choice of joke rather than any other at a time when he's describing something that's of enough concern to him to start a PI thread.

In the joking he's saying to himself "I can never understand any woman and I'll never understand how to talk to them" in a variety of amusing ways.

Also, said jokes give him a defensive place to run to. If he strikes out then rather than accepting it as an inevitable risk given that nobody is universally attractive to everyone he can take comfort in the joke, but that re-enforces the same idea of all women being inscrutable.

Wibbs wrote:

Then again if you're one gender or the other you'll find a greater affinity with one's own gender than the other in a lot of cases.

Nah, I've found dating men to be just as mysterious as dating women. It's a people thing.

Wibbs wrote:

Look at the responses divided along gender lines.But in different ways(on average of course).

The "on average" is the where it all falls down, unless you can work out a way of dating a demographically balanced composite, he isn't asking out an average he's asking out one particular woman.

/edit: missed this post:

wantawoman wrote:

Any other women out there like to share how they liked to be asked out and how they would feel if they were working behind a till and a guy asks them out for coffee.

Again. Are you asking out one woman or a statistically-balanced composite?

There's one woman above who said she might react positively.

One "might" is all you need to have a chance of this going how you want it too, and you've nothing to lose but less than 2 minutes of your time. Go for it.

wantawoman wrote:

I don't think I could ask directly for her number. I think thats a bit too forward.

Sure, phrase things to match your own personality of course. Would asking her if she'd like to grab a coffee some time be too forward?

JC 2K3

Wibbs wrote:

Study after study has shown the biological differences between men and women are there. The old idea of nurture being the sole or majority influence on the difference between the sexes has lost most of it's currency these days. Even the actual structure of the brains differ between the genders.

AFAIK, while there are differences between a male and female brain, most people don't have fully male or fully female brains but rather a mix between the two with a bias towards the brain type of the gender you actually are.

biko

If a girl you are interested in says "You're such a good friend" answer "I don't see you as a friend, I see you as a woman". Cue long meaningful unwavering gaze. Then look/walk away for a while.
Works! Speaking from experience here.

Also: If she says "You're so funny" and touches you at the same time, definite interest!

py2006

biko wrote:

Also: If she says "You're so funny" and touches you at the same time, definite interest!

I'd dispute that!! I have had that and similar reactions from 3-4 women over the last few years and NONE of them were interested in me more than friends.

Thread carefull OP

CaroleLynch

Right........... OP - all the "signs" might mean she fancies you OR maybe she's just been friendly and is providing a good customer service. You'll never know until you actually do something about it....

Next time you're in there, write your number on a piece of paper (no business cards - that's sleazy) and hand it to her when you're leaving and just say if you fancy going out for a drink sometime give me a call, then walk out - don't hang around waiting for an answer. She'll definitely be flattered and you've removed the awkward element because if she's not interested then she won't ring and you don't have to go there again...

Fear is temporary, regret lasts a lifetime.....

LegacyUser

biko wrote:

If a girl you are interested in says "You're such a good friend" answer "I don't see you as a friend, I see you as a woman". Cue long meaningful unwavering gaze. Then look/walk away for a while.
Works! Speaking from experience here.

Also: If she says "You're so funny" and touches you at the same time, definite interest!

Interesting,

Been in that situation before, never even thought of that and it wouldve probably worked!

LegacyUser

'Hallo OP.

CaroleLynch - is definitely onto something there !'

aye

just ask her.
i asked a girl i was into that worked in my local video shop about a year ago.

nothing came of it, but i felt better after asking her.
least it wasnt on my mind all the time after!!

offaly1

ask the worst she can do is say no!

Im still waiting to be asked....:(

koneko

You're making too big a deal out of it, you're building up the possible reactions in your head and it's probably making you nervous (which is not a good thing).

"Would you like to meet up for a drink sometime?" anything like that will do. If she says no, who cares, at least you tried.

offaly1, why on earth would you wait? This isn't the 1950s damnit, if you want to go out with someone, ask them.

offaly1

koneko.... know i know..........i give that advise to everyone else, but when it comes to doing it yourself ya can never pluck up the courage!!!


oh well..........this is where dutch courage comes in!;)

Crea

Women aren't these great mysterious creatures. If you want to know something just ask - don't try to figure us out, you'll never get anywhere Anyhow, you should just ask this girl out. Don't ask for her phone number as I wouldn't give my number to some one I didn't know. It's as easy as this:
You -"would you like to go for a coffee after work some time?
Her - "Yes"
You- "Great! How about tomorrow? I'll meet you outside the shop"

Or
Her - "Hmmmmmm, mumble, mumble, I dunno"
You - Well if you want to then give me a call" Write your number and give it to her

Or
Her - "No I'd rather die"
You - "You don't know what you're missing, I'm hung like a donkey. Bye" and never go to the shop again.

Don't live your life by what ifs. Sometimes you have to just go for it.
Good luck.

py2006

Crea wrote:

Women aren't these great mysterious creatures. If you want to know something just ask - don't try to figure us out, you'll never get anywhere

OP, they are also very confusing!

LegacyUser

Crea wrote:

Women aren't these great mysterious creatures. If you want to know something just ask - don't try to figure us out, you'll never get anywhere Anyhow, you should just ask this girl out. Don't ask for her phone number as I wouldn't give my number to some one I didn't know. It's as easy as this:

You -"would you like to go for a coffee after work some time?

Her - "Yes"

You- "Great! How about tomorrow? I'll meet you outside the shop"



Or

Her - "Hmmmmmm, mumble, mumble, I dunno"

You - Well if you want to then give me a call" Write your number and give it to her



Or

Her - "No I'd rather die"

You - "You don't know what you're missing, I'm hung like a donkey. Bye" and never go to the shop again.



Don't live your life by what ifs. Sometimes you have to just go for it.

Good luck.

Very good advice Crea! I wish I didn't think of the last option on one or two occasions in the past!



I just don't think I can get her alone or at least out of ear shot of other staff and customers long enough to say "coffee....me....with....sometime?" while my entire body shakes and my voice quivers!

CaroleLynch

wantawoman wrote:

I just don't think I can get her alone or....

OP - don't ask her out then.....!!! You've posted your problem up here - we've all replied telling you to go for it and ask her out and here you are STILL saying - oh i don't think i can..........

Just grow a pair and do something outside of your comfort zone....... We can't give you the courage to ask the girl out ...........

Black Swan

BoozyBabe wrote:

So, if you were to ask me, I'd ask for the coffee, not the number.

Agree.

Proxy

biko wrote:

If a girl you are interested in says "You're such a good friend" answer "I don't see you as a friend, I see you as a woman". Cue long meaningful unwavering gaze. Then look/walk away for a while.
Works! Speaking from experience here.

Also: If she says "You're so funny" and touches you at the same time, definite interest!

Lol, Love that one Biko. Class.

Plateau

Some comments.

I asked a girl out for a drink very casually once in my workplace. It was a big enough workplace that I knew I wouldn't see her all that much if it backfired. Also, I knew her from college, so I could have turned it into a talk about old times if it turned out she was with someone (which she probably was) or wasn't interested.

Basically what happened was, she wasn't expecting it, when she twigged what I was at she got all panicky and embarrassed. She sort of stuttered out a silly excuse why she couldn't go for the drink and said something like we should all (a larger group) go for a drink some time. Fine, message received loud and clear. But she bloody made such a meal out of it that I felt like a complete idiot. To make matters worse, despite the fact that I basically deleted the episode from my brain (or attempted to), acted 100% professionally thereafter, and gave her plenty of space, while not avoiding her, she was slightly embarrassed every time we spoke after that, which meant that I could never forget it and felt like a fool every time, for making such an unforgivable faux pas (or so it felt like). Eventually she left and I had half a thought that on her list and pros and cons about a new job she had been offered in the workplace, the embarrassment of having to occasionally see me was written near the to of her 'cons' column.

Now, the thing is, I never realised how socially retarded the girl was until that incident, but it just goes to show, while nobody dies when a girl says no, there can be unending embarrassment 'when asking a girl out goes wrong'! The funny thing was, I wasn't even all *that* into her!

Having said all that. The coward dies a thousand times. So go for it.

I just hope you don't end up having to walk half a mile to the next shop if things go wrong.

And to Offaly1, your attitude drives me crazy! Just one time in my life I would like to have the responsibility of having to be the one asking/getting shot down taken out of my hands and a girl actually asking me out instead of me having to do all the guessing! All men are delighted to be asked out. I know a guy who works behind a bar and he often has to decline giving out his number to girls, but I can tell you, he loves it that he's asked! Some women on the other hand look at you like you are a criminal!

NZdubstar

OP - if you have the guts to do it, go ahead, but I personally couldn't do it no way, especially not in a shop. The situation is potentially a minefield of embarassment. I am so afraid of the awkwardness and rejection that I just wouldn't do it, no way, unless I was 200% sure she fancied me. I have never asked a girl out randomly. The only way I ever meet girls is by randomly having a conversation with them in a bar/club etc. when I've a few drinks on me, and if it goes well either we end up wearing the face off each other or we exchange numbers. Or we do the wearing and I eventually get too drunk to even remember to get a number. Last g/f I had for 2 years I met getting off a nightlink drunk and she asked me for a light, there was a group of us and we were going back to my gaf for a few drinks and I asked her along and the rest is history...
So go ahead and do it, I'd love to know what happens, my mate tried it recently though with a foreign girl in a cafe (think she was Spanish) and the whole thing broke down with communication/language problems etc. and he said it was a total nightmare and he can't go in there for coffee anymore, LOL!! Very amusing for me but I can't imagine how hellish it must be.

LegacyUser

'

NZdubstar wrote:

OP - if you have the guts to do it, go ahead, but I personally couldn't do it no way, especially not in a shop. The situation is potentially a minefield of embarassment. I am so afraid of the awkwardness and rejection that I just wouldn't do it, no way, unless I was 200% sure she fancied me. I have never asked a girl out randomly. The only way I ever meet girls is by randomly having a conversation with them in a bar/club etc. when I've a few drinks on me, and if it goes well either we end up wearing the face off each other or we exchange numbers. Or we do the wearing and I eventually get too drunk to even remember to get a number. Last g/f I had for 2 years I met getting off a nightlink drunk and she asked me for a light, there was a group of us and we were going back to my gaf for a few drinks and I asked her along and the rest is history...
So go ahead and do it, I'd love to know what happens, my mate tried it recently though with a foreign girl in a cafe (think she was Spanish) and the whole thing broke down with communication/language problems etc. and he said it was a total nightmare and he can't go in there for coffee anymore, LOL!! Very amusing for me but I can't imagine how hellish it must be.

Oh god your making me nervous now! I had worked up the courage to do it this morning but she wasn't there! She wasn't there the day before either I hope she hasn't finisnhed!

She seems to have reasonable good english! Hopefully she will be there tommorrow morning'

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote:

Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus and no amount of books published by a fraud with a phoney doctorate will make it so.

That's my uncle you are talking about, care to clarify your statement?

Naos

I'm currently listening to The Waterboys - Whole of the moon.

Op: Listen to lyrics.

Cliche time: Don't regret the things you have done, regret the things you have not done.

LegacyUser

Damnit! She wasn't there this morning either!

Is it a good thing to say "Do you have a boyfriend" first or should I just ask her for coffee.

An easy way out would be to write my name and number on paper and make a paper aeroplane and throw it at her?

Wibbs

wantawoman wrote:

Is it a good thing to say "Do you have a boyfriend" first or should I just ask her for coffee.

No just ask her for coffee. She'll tell you quick enough if she has a bloke or not

An easy way out would be to write my name and number on paper and make a paper aeroplane and throw it at her?

Hope you're joking.:D

LegacyUser

'

Wibbs wrote:

No just ask her for coffee. She'll tell you quick enough if she has a bloke or not
Hope you're joking.:D

Well yes, I am kidding! God imagine if I caught her in the eye!!

She seems to work different shifts each week. I will have to come into town next week and see if she is on! :P'

Naos

I would definitly go for the paper aeroplane idea.

Or you could throw a waterbomb at her, with your number wrapped up in plastic. That would work wonders.

/sarcasm

Do not ask her does she have a boyfriend. Talk about putting pressure on for a relationship early. Ask her for the coffee, don't discuss past relationships just yet.