Ignoring partner

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this, but basically i've been going out with my bf for 3 and a half years. I'm 29, he's 30.
Bit of background, it was a whirlwind romance to start off with, both totally mad about each other, were convinced we'd marry and settle down someday.
Anyway, after a while there was a few arguments. Which in itself in nothing too unusual in a relationship, but my problem is that when we do have the odd row my bf tends to ignore me, sometimes for a day, sometimes it's lasted 4/5 days if i let it go that far. He never wants to talk about it, just takes the time to sulk or whatever it is and then when he's ready and stopped sulking he contacts me and carries on like nothing happened.

So we had a little drunken row on saturday night, i stayed in his house and slept on the couch, got up early the next morning and drove home. Now i didn't hear from him all day yesterday or today and to be honest this is wearing thin with me at this stage.
I don't want to be treated like this and have said this in the past to him and he never changes it. I don't think he intends to be like this but that's no good to me when i'm left feeling crappy while he gets over his tantrum. It doesn't seem to matter who was at fault, in my opinion there was 2 of us involved in it the other night.
I don't want to lose the relationship as we get on brilliantly most of the time, have great fun and are very close etc. When things are good they're very good, but when they're bad they're totally blown out of proportion!
My question is, would anyone else put up with this or would you treat soemone like that? If so, why?
Sorry the post is so long, just looking for some input.

unregd147

drivesmemad wrote:

sometimes for a day, sometimes it's lasted 4/5 days if i let it go that far. He never wants to talk about it, just takes the time to sulk or whatever it is and then when he's ready and stopped sulking he contacts me and carries on like nothing happened

It looks from here you wait for him to make first contact? Or did I pick this up wrong and you try contact him and he ignores you?

drivesmemad wrote:

It doesn't seem to matter who was at fault, in my opinion there was 2 of us involved in it the other night

I dont know of an argument where both people are equally at fault.

Do you ask him who he thinks is at fault? If he blamed himself I doubt he'd ignore you for days.
Did you talk to him about this and how much it wrecks your head?
Maybe he blames you for all the arguments and wants a bit of time to cool off.

Anyway regarding your question. Yes I would stay with the person if we got on aswell as it seems you and ur bf get on when your going good.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. Yeh he knows it wrecks my head, i've told him this every time its happened. That's what hurts most when he does it, he knows how much it upsets me yet he still does it.
I haven't spoken to him about who's fault he thinks it was on saturday because i haven't spoken to him really since. I know he went to the match yesterday (which i got him tickets for!!) and probably out on the pi*s after with the lads.
It's normally me who makes the first move to make contact and i think it might have got to the stage where he know's i will contact him eventually.
I'm not the sort of person who can go to bed on an argument, he is totally different in this respect.
I just don't understand why he can't talk to me, communication of a serious nature has never been a strong point of his in fairness. I don't think he's likely to change because it's who he is, i just don't know if i can cope with being treated like that for the rest of my life.
Especially if we ever moved in together or even got married.

Mr. Incognito

When I have a fight with the missus, I leave myself cool down and refuse to get in a shouting match.

You can't take back what you say in anger. I think that's his way of getting it out of his system. You may be more of a confrontational person and then get it out that way. Respect his methods of dealing with negative emotions. Other people have much more destructive patterns when dealing with them.

onemanband

How will this work if you live together or get married? Will he still ignore you for days even though you live with him. I personally think it is bad form to ignore you for days. He could call and be cool, not want to talk about it, tell you he was still angry and was just cooling down. To ignore you and have you make the first move is not very mature for a 30 year old.

Unfortunately as you settle down you will have more to argue about. Kids, money etc. You need to be sure you are settling with someone who will be rational in these situations.

PS When a woman says that she thinks that the argument was caused by both parties, it has definately been caused by the woman.

Nevyn

If your relationship is going to evolve then you have to be able to have disagreement and discussion with them turning into huge rows.

You both have to find away to talk about and tackle issues with out them getting you both up in arms.

Everyone has spats, everyone gets anoyed and pissed off but that does not help the issue and ignoring it won't solve it.

It seems you are picking the wrong times to have these types of converstaions and it is coming out in vino veritas which is not the best manner to deal with such things.

Make a list and deal with the issues like grown ups over a cup of coffee.

sundodger5

as has been said you need to get a handle on this now. if it stays like this i.e the silent treatment and then ignoring you have issues it will lead to unhappiness of the highest order.
i speak from experience. in the same boat for a long time and i am married.
life is too short.

the_syco

Don't try to contact him, and ignore for a day or two. Shoe on the other foot.

carnival_joe

If he has so little respect for you, maybe you aren't meant to be together.

Love should be nice and fun, and yeah there are fights- but this behaviour? It's childish. A few hours to cool down, maybe if it was a major fight I can understand being chilly for a few days, but blanking you and refusing to discuss it?

Control freak.

LegacyUser

Jaysus Drivesmemad - I've just read this thread and realised we could have written eachothers posts, they're so alike! I identified with this line so much I definately could have written it myself - "That's what hurts most when he does it, he knows how much it upsets me yet he still does it."

If you figure out what to do be sure to let me know (otherwise maybe we should just bang our blokes heads together! lol)

Splendour

I totally agree with Carnnival Joe here. He's a control freak and they are not easy to live with, and THEY DO NOT CHANGE!!

I was married a man like this for 14 years and he wore me down completely.
There were times when he wouldn't talk to me for weeks, and when not talking to me he would go around the house whistling like there was nothing wrong. When he realise this wasn't having the effect on me that it once had done, he got emotionally abusive;with a bit of physical abuse thrown in as well.

You may think it's bad now, but as someone else has alresdy posted, think what it would be like if you had kids, a mortgage etc...

Have a good look at his family too. Is this something he was brought upwith? Such was the case with my guy and I was told by his mother to 'get used to it...'

Please, don't get used to it-GET OUT!!

God bless,

Splendour

LegacyUser

Well he called me last night and we talked on the phone for a bit, he yapped on about all sorts, telling me about the night before and just small talk in general.
I brought up Saturday night and yes, he thinks it was all my fault. He honestly doesn't see that he had any part to play in it. Anyway we agreed to disagree on it and move on.
I am going to talk to him when I see him about this again and see if he can try and ease up on the ignoring but it's who he is and I respect I can't change that but I will have to decide in the long run if this is something i can cope with for the rest of my life.
He might not intend to do it but when the time comes he knows no other way of dealing with anger. Each time he does this though it takes a way a little piece of love for him on my part i suppose and it takes me time to build that back up again. While for him, it's done and dusted once he's finished sulking and moves on.


Endoftheline123, likewise if you find any way of dealing with it let me know too. It could save this otherwise great relationship!!

dodgyme

I think it is funny the way in which a few obviously female posters start in territory that the OP never mentioned like 'control freak' etc. You do not know what the arguments are about and are hearing one side. What actually happens is men usually go silent when they have made their points a thousand times on deaf ears, and when there is nothing more to say because it will have no effect, they shut up.

unregd147

Drivesmemad wrote:

He might not intend to do it but when the time comes he knows no other way of dealing with anger. Each time he does this though it takes a way a little piece of love for him on my part i suppose and it takes me time to build that back up again. While for him, it's done and dusted once he's finished sulking and moves on.!!

Drivesmemad wrote:

he thinks it was all my fault. He honestly doesn't see that he had any part to play in it.

Stop p***ing the lad off so. You say its equally both your faults, and as I thought he thinks its your fault. You should worry more about what’s causing the arguments rather than how he’s dealing with them.

As said before if someone says an argument is equally two peoples fault then it is that person that caused it.

Maybe your boyfriend could be the one posting a thread about you with the username “Drivesmemad”

krankykitty

dodgyme wrote:

I think it is funny the way in which a few obviously female posters start in territory that the OP never mentioned like 'control freak' etc. You do not know what the arguments are about and are hearing one side. What actually happens is men usually go silent when they have made their points a thousand times on deaf ears, and when there is nothing more to say because it will have no effect, they shut up.

Silent, I can understand for an hour, couple of hours. Ignoring someone you are in a relationship with for days smacks of emotional blackmail to me, and very controlling, whether the person be male or female.
Whether the OP is "annoying" him or not, she surely deserves to be able to have an argument with her partner and not be treated with such disrespect.

Saruman

dodgyme wrote:

I think it is funny the way in which a few obviously female posters start in territory that the OP never mentioned like 'control freak' etc. You do not know what the arguments are about and are hearing one side. What actually happens is men usually go silent when they have made their points a thousand times on deaf ears, and when there is nothing more to say because it will have no effect, they shut up.

Exactly... this is a typical response from a guy. Myself included. If i argue with my wife and she refuses to see my point, i see no point in going on with the argument and simply shut up. It sucks if this happens at night as then i go to bed angry and cant sleep well. Usually it will get sorted out the next day.

From my point of view it is usually her fault.. and it is.. lets be honest here.. PMS is not nice for women and they let us know in no uncertain terms they are in their crazy week and take it out on us..
Only other times we might argue is if she does not want to do something or does not want me to do something, even though the day before she was fine with it.. like meeting going to the cinema after work which she refuses to do.

So as i see it, its almost always her fault and never mine. Im sure from her point of view (and in you case, yours!) that you are right and he is wrong.

Though this might be a typical response.. but to go 5 days or so.. thats just childish.

delly

I know of a married couple with one kid and another on the way, and the husband does this type of thing. It totally blows my mind that he has a family and if he has an argument with his wife, he won't talk to her for 2 or 3 days, i mean seriously, thats messed up.

I can't offer a solution, but just be of the mindset that he might not change his ways no matter how advanced your relationship goes.

LegacyUser

unregd147 wrote:

Stop p***ing the lad off so. You say its equally both your faults, and as I thought he thinks its your fault. You should worry more about what’s causing the arguments rather than how he’s dealing with them.

Whats causing the argument? Well it's about his friends girlfriends who do nothing but bitch about each other, i was left talking to the girls all night and the other night i had 2 of them bitching to me about the other when one of them went for a smoke or to the loo.
We were invited out by a couple no.1 , them meaning the 4 of us go out. But my boyfriend asked the other couple out that they don't get on with, everyone knows they don't get on but just because he didn't want to talk to couple number 1 all night he invites them too. Its fine for him cos he's just chatting to the lads and they have no issues.

As said before if someone says an argument is equally two peoples fault then it is that person that caused it.

No offense but that's complete boll*x. You say that like you know it for a fact, when I can tell you now he was as much at fault as I was. It got out of hand and I didn't help matters i know that. But he knew what he was doing inviting that other couple out, he knew he wouldn't have to listen to bitching. It just didn't suit him to talk to the first couple all night.

Maybe your boyfriend could be the one posting a thread about you with the username “Drivesmemad”

Yeh well maybe he could, I'm sure i do drive him mad at times, but i have the respect for him not to sulk like a child when we have a row.

dodgyme

krankykitty wrote:

Silent, ..smacks of emotional blackmail to me, ...not be treated with such disrespect.

Oh cut the crap with the disrespect and emotional blackmail rubbish. The lad will have told her a tousand times the issues and got nowhere. If he breaks and tells her what the issues are then she will go off and he is a bastard again for saying such hurtful things blah blah blah and he has to apologise so the woman is in the right again. Women play this beautifully. Man gets nowhere. Man shuts it. Woman ask why the silent treatment. Man eventually tells her. Women hurt. Man apologises. Man wrong again as always and begging for forgiveness.

unregd147

em you messed up the quote thingy a bit there.

"Its fine for him cos he's just chatting to the lads and they have no issues."

funny thats its "bitchy girls" causing ALL the rows in this thread.

joe_chicken

drivesmemad wrote:

So we had a little drunken row on saturday night, i stayed in his house and slept on the couch, got up early the next morning and drove home. Now i didn't hear from him all day yesterday or today and to be honest this is wearing thin with me at this stage.

So you stayed in his house, but left without waiting to talk to him the next morning?...

... and then waited for him to contact you?

Who's supposed to be ignoring who here?

LegacyUser

What exactly is your problem here Unregd147? I asked for advise, not a slagging for 'messing up the quote thingy'. You don't know me so don't assume I'm in the wrong and all women are bitchy etc etc.

You seem to be the one starting any row that's happening here.
Anyway, i've had loads of advise, i'm happy to close this thread. Thanks to all the genuine useful replies.

LegacyUser

No Joechicken, that wasn't the case. I left the next day because i had been awake for ages, I have a cold and wanted to go home, he was going to the match and meeting the lads so even if he had got up we wouldn't have had time to talk about anything.
When I say the next morning I mean before midday I left. He was still asleep. I went upstairs and he was pretending to be asleep. I brushed my teeth and he didn't move. He must have heard me and he didn't open an eye.
I text him during the day AND rang him but he didn't reply or ring me back until yesterday.
He told me yesterday he was in the pub and the reason he didn't reply was cos he was 'talking'.
So he was ignoring me, hence the thread.

Beruthiel

unregd147 wrote:

em you messed up the quote thingy a bit there.

"Its fine for him cos he's just chatting to the lads and they have no issues."

funny thats its "bitchy girls" causing ALL the rows in this thread.

I suggest you read this forums charter with regards to unhelpful comments.
B

LegacyUser

dodgyme wrote:

Oh cut the crap with the disrespect and emotional blackmail rubbish. The lad will have told her a tousand times the issues and got nowhere.

How do you know that? Have you got some sort of magical device that can observe what's going on in strangers relationships?

If the OP's bf had "told her the issues" even once, never mind a thousand times, he wouldnt have been ignoring her, and this thread, if it existed at all, would have a very different title.

krankykitty

dodgyme wrote:

The lad will have told her a tousand times the issues and got nowhere.

How do you know, pray tell, what the lad has done?

Please tell me you don't think it is mature behaviour to blank someone for days just because there is an argument. Its just NOT NORMAL, no matter how much listening to "womanly moaning" or whatever someone has to do. In a normal relationship, you talk out your issues, and withholding contact like that IS controlling.

dodgyme

krankykitty wrote:

. Its just NOT NORMAL, ...contact like that IS controlling.

yes its not normal .. so what??... he decides he is going to blank to be controlling, dont be so silly. He does it because the NORMAL routes are exhausted and he is damned if he does and obviously damned if he doesn't.

Splendour

dodgyme wrote:

yes its not normal .. so what??... he decides he is going to blank to be controlling, dont be so silly. He does it because the NORMAL routes are exhausted and he is damned if he does and obviously damned if he doesn't.

And you know this is the case in the OP's situation exactly how?

LegacyUser

Not true, he didn't exhaust anything except his face throwing me his drunk dirty looks, your speculating and it's not the case and certainly not what happened. Even if he did exhaust other routes i would understand if he ignored me for that night IF i was going on and on about the issue but not the following day and part of the next day. And once it lasted 5 days.

The next day he was at a match that i got tickets for, for him and his mates, which he got for nothing, from me. Thats why i was pissed off he ignored me as well.

Anyway, everything is sorted for now.

carnival_joe

OP, take care of yourself. This is dangerous behaviour, and having ut up with it, and not seen it as anything other then normal bordering on a bit mean, believe me it gets worse. Living together makes things worse.

If you want to join and PM, work away. Distance helps a bit, if he hasn't changed by 30, he won't change. Heck if he hasn't changed by 25 he won't. Some guys are selfish, immature and mean. THey take their issues out by trying to control all aspects of their relationships- and by proxy you.

Take care
xx

meglome

dodgyme wrote:

Oh cut the crap with the disrespect and emotional blackmail rubbish. The lad will have told her a tousand times the issues and got nowhere. If he breaks and tells her what the issues are then she will go off and he is a bastard again for saying such hurtful things blah blah blah and he has to apologise so the woman is in the right again. Women play this beautifully. Man gets nowhere. Man shuts it. Woman ask why the silent treatment. Man eventually tells her. Women hurt. Man apologises. Man wrong again as always and begging for forgiveness.

Seriously ignoring someone for an hour is one thing but for days on end it's really not good. He smacks totally of a control freak knowing he'll get his way if he waits it out. Men are funny ****ers and I include myself here sometimes, we love to blame the woman for basically nagging at us when it's more often than not that we are insensitive bastards.

Talliesin

The worse thing about this sort of situation isn't that one person always "wins", through this technique (and it is indeed a technique, whether conciously or not) but that it's not acknowledged when it happens.

So one person ends up compromising more than the other and that compromise isn't recognised. Compromise is important in a relationship, but a compromise that isn't seen as such by both parties is a killer.

It can only be talked about when you're not already in the middle of a row, but unfortunately it could of course just start another one.

You can't continue to put up with a refusal to communicate (if only communicating as much as "sorry I can't talk about it right now" - that's claiming some space for himself without copping out entirely).

dodgyme

meglome wrote:

we love to blame the woman for basically nagging at us when it's more often than not that we are insensitive bastards.

You are entitled to your opinion but you are talking pure Sh~*te. The Ignoring etc starts because the fella has no control. He doesnt just sit down and say I am going to be a pri*k right now. It doesnt happen like that and most of the posts here give out about the man want to make it look like that.
They are wrong.

Splendour

dodgyme wrote:

You are entitled to your opinion but you are talking pure Sh~*te. The Ignoring etc starts because the fella has no control. He doesnt just sit down and say I am going to be a pri*k right now. It doesnt happen like that and most of the posts here give out about the man want to make it look like that.
They are wrong.

Dodgyme, if a male poster had asked about this, I would have given the exact same advice. You seem to be under the assumption that this a go at the lads. There are plenty of women out there who also treat guys in this despicable way.

Enough, enough, I'm done now...