how much time should you allow someone to get over their ex?

LegacyUser

People say that it takes you half the time you were with someone to get over them. I am 25 (female); my longest relationship was for 4 years, and I truly believe it took me almost 2 to move on from him completely, and be able to be friends with him.

A friend of mine has recently broken up with his long-term girlfriend. There was always a bit of chemistry between him and I, but I just passed it off as harmless flirting, as we were not very close friends, and I never doubted his commitment to his relationship, nor would I want to interfere with that.
However, now that he is single, things between us have become slightly more intense, and he has made it clear that he is attracted to me.

The thing is, to be honest I'm a bit scared to get involved with him. I do like him, but I am afraid that if we get together he will be using me to get over his ex-girlfriend (they were together for 5 years and living together). He is a really lovely and genuine guy; I don't believe he would use me intentionally, but this doesn't mean that it wouldn't happen nonetheless.

How long do I wait to see if he truly wants to be with me, or is just looking for some reassurance that he can get another girl? Do I wait? Does there have to be a long period after long-term relationships, or if it feels right then is it silly to miss an opportunity? Life's too short and all that?

I have, in the past, had a bad experience dating someone who had just come out of a relationship... (but that is another story, he cheated on her and then broke up with her for me, but never told me about her until much later on...) so I guess I am apprehensive that I am letting myself in for another nasty fall, and I don't like the thought of getting involved once again with someone whose baggage is too recent to handle.

I would appreciate any advice anyone might have
- k

Wibbs

First off take it very very slow. If he's come out of a long termer, he may try to recreate that with you very quickly. He may try to rush into the feelings he had when the previous relationship was good. That's a bad sign as he sees you as a replacement for those feelings not a new person in a new relationship*. If he compares you to her when he's talking to you. That's not a good sign at all. If he's talking about the old relationship any way regularly that's not a good sign. He's nowhere near over it. If his emotions are all over the place in general, that's not good. If within a month or two he's talking about making serious future plans with you, that's another bad sign as it's too early for comfort. Why did they split up? Was it mutual? Could the problems they had be rectified? Is she still in his life? Are they in contact? High frequency of contact is not a good sign. Were there issues of his that split them up or was it "all" her fault(rarely is it takes two usually)? Does he hop from one relationship to the next? very bad sign. He may see you as a transition before he gets serious again with someone. That will only happen when he's put the ex behind him or gets back with her.

At the start a rebound relationship will often be very good. The problem starts when the honeymoon period wears off. In a rebound that usually happens far quicker too. In my experience looking at others relationships and my own I would say any full on relationship that starts within 4/6 months of the ending of a major longtermer has bad odds on lasting. I would say 20% chance, if that. Now some will come along and say they've been successful, but it depends on the age of the two people, how serious the previous one was and how close the exes are. The last one in particular. If the exes have a very strong bond of friendship, the chances are high that they'll re-ignite the feelings after a period of time apart.

*That's probably the biggy. When people try to replace the emotional hole left by the end of the previous relationship, it rarely works. the closer to the split the more likely that is. Some people just can't be alone and that is a very bad sign in a person if you're looking to a future with them. they usually hop from one person to the next. They may settle for someone in the end, even marry them, but from what I've seen they're never quite happy and often they're the ones who look back on one or two people in their past with feelings of loss. Basically they're never happy as they look to others to fill a gap in themselves.

Talliesin

dubious wrote:

People say that it takes you half the time you were with someone to get over them.

People like to come up with formulas for this sort of stuff because formulas are nice and easy to get your head around and that's a lot less scary than the idea that a lot of the time we really don't have any strong rules or even guidelines to go on.
I think the problem with this idea is nicely summed up in this cartoon:
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/useless.jpg It's funny, but it has more than a grain of truth to it.

dubious wrote:

I am 25 (female); my longest relationship was for 4 years, and I truly believe it took me almost 2 to move on from him completely, and be able to be friends with him.

And you really think that it was purely a function of how long you'd been together (not always something that can have a firm beginning date) and that the nature of the break-up, how the relationship went and the psychological make-up of the two of you had no effect whatsoever?

I don't believe that for a second.

Some people really do get over relationships fast, particularly in cases where the relationship was in a death-spiral for a long time and it was more a matter of realising it's been over for a long time than ending it per se.

Some people take much longer to get over a relationship than your formula would suggest, particular where things were fast and intense but ultimately doomed.

dubious wrote:

The thing is, to be honest I'm a bit scared to get involved with him. I do like him, but I am afraid that if we get together he will be using me to get over his ex-girlfriend (they were together for 5 years and living together). He is a really lovely and genuine guy; I don't believe he would use me intentionally, but this doesn't mean that it wouldn't happen nonetheless.

"Using" is an overloaded word.

Take away the nuances of one person taking advantage of another that that word has and we all use the people we really love - we gain and benefit from having them in our lives in many different ways. In a healthy relationship this happens in a very reciprocal way and it happens automatically - we don't think "what have you done for me lately?" but we do still gain emotionally, sexually, psychologically and/or practically.

There's something very profound in the way that in Judeo-Christian mythology the first couple were created so that one could be a "helpmeet" for the other.

And think of it the other way around. Imagine a relationship where one person is of no use to the other - didn't do anything practical for them, didn't do anything for them in bed, didn't help them emotionally or support them in bad times. Wouldn't you think that person was a bit of a dead-weight and the relationship was a bad one?

Now. If he had decided consciously to use a fling with you to get his ex out of his system, that might well be a very bad sign indeed. But since you say you're sure that he is not doing that, it's far from a bad thing if you do help him get over any negative shadows of his previous relationships (a lot of effects of bad relationships in particular are best resolved in the context of a good relationship).

dubious wrote:

How long do I wait to see if he truly wants to be with me, or is just looking for some reassurance that he can get another girl?

Until that seems to be the case.

Sorry. This is real life, not junior-school algebra. Any lengths of time you hear on this are rubbish. I'm sure there'll be a few replies giving lengths of time. Luckily they'll probably disagree with each other wildly and hopefully not distract you too much.

Let me see, must have been about 3 months after I was out of a nine-year relationship before I got together with my fiancée. She was out of her last relationship for a matter of about one day.

Of course that helped me get over my ex. That doesn't mean it was just that, or that there is nothing else to it. Now we're at a place where it's quite definitely the best relationship I've ever been in.

dubious wrote:

I have, in the past, had a bad experience dating someone who had just come out of a relationship

I can't tell you that you won't have a bad experience with this guy too. Maybe you will. Maybe it'll be the most disastrous relationship in your life. Maybe you'll embarrass you're grandchildren dancing to old-folk's music from the early 2000s on your 60th wedding anniversary. All worth-while possibilities have risk.

sweet-rasmus

on one hand, i wouldn't rush things, cause 5 years is a long relationship and it sounds like it's going to take him quite some time to get over not having her there beside him. though, also if the relationship was really dead at the end he may not need that long at all, and may be longing to finally feel love with someone else again.

on the other hand, if you wait too long, your oppertunity will be gone. someone else will snatch him up! perhaps mentioning the prospect of you and him and just to leave it hanging untill he felt ready to give it a shot would be good.

but make sure these feelings aren't just you missing the company of a partner yourself, because it would be a shame to spoil a good friendship. good luck!

Wibbs

Talliesin wrote:

Some people really do get over relationships fast, particularly in cases where the relationship was in a death-spiral for a long time and it was more a matter of realising it's been over for a long time than ending it per se.

That's the important part. How long was the previous relationship actually over. That's not going to be the same time as the "official" split. Never is. In a case like this it's the nature of the old relationship that's the real issue. Why it ended, how it ended and where the two of them are in relation to each other afterwards are the questions that may need addressing.

Sorry. This is real life, not junior-school algebra. Any lengths of time you hear on this are rubbish. I'm sure there'll be a few replies giving lengths of time. Luckily they'll probably disagree with each other wildly and hopefully not distract you too much.

True. Different people as you pointed out can take as long or as short a time as they need to take to let an ex relationship go. I think that's the thing. People have to let the old relationship go. If you don't that's where the problems start. That's where the rebound situation can happen. I would also suspect that's where the different lengths of time come into it. People who haven't let go internally can appear to take longer than those who do. I would say the exact time you have decided the old relationship is actually over is the time you let go and the time that you're open to a new relationship. I would say that time period would be pretty consistent with most, though the length of time to get to that point varies.

Let me see, must have been about 3 months after I was out of a nine-year relationship before I got together with my fiancée. She was out of her last relationship for a matter of about one day.

I would suspect she was "out" of her last relationship for far longer than that though. Same with you. While every relationship leaves it's mark, for better or worse, it's the letting go of the previous relationship that makes the new one.

All worth-while possibilities have risk.

Very true.

Talliesin

Wibbs wrote:

I would suspect she was "out" of her last relationship for far longer than that though. Same with you.

Very much so. There were reasons why such a short period worked in our case (and also we went into things with each other as it not being a relationship, and it grew into one, which also has its effects).

There are also reasons why other people may need a longer period than the x/2of the OP's algebra.

In all, the x/2 rule is nonsense.

Wibbs

Talliesin wrote:

Very much so. There were reasons why such a short period worked in our case (and also we went into things with each other as it not being a relationship, and it grew into one, which also has its effects).

For me the bit in brackets is the best way to start a relationship. All of the really good solid deep relationships I've seen started that way. Fair play to both of you.:)

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

...he may try to recreate that with you very quickly. He may try to rush into the feelings he had when the previous relationship was good. That's a bad sign as he sees you as a replacement for those feelings not a new person in a new relationship*.

That's exactly what O'm afraid of... this transfer of feelings from the old relationship into the new, a sort of merging of both. That is what happened to me before, and that just ends in disaster.

Wibbs wrote:

Were there issues of his that split them up or was it "all" her fault(rarely is it takes two usually)?

It was both from what I can see... definitely fault on both sides, and also a major element of general growing apart and apathy. Could it be rectified? I don't know, I guess most relationship problems probably could if you were bothered trying?

Talliesin wrote:

Some people really do get over relationships fast... Some people take much longer to get over a relationship than your formula would suggest, particular where things were fast and intense but ultimately doomed.

I totally agree. I didn't mean to assert that that formula was correct, just from personal experience maybe in hindsight there is an element of truth to it. I guess my point was that if I feel it took me a couple of years to get over my own ex, then maybe I should be sensible enough to stay away from this guy enough to let him do the same. However, my own break-up was not acrimonious, rather circumstantial, whereas this one is more hostile and seems a lot more final (but then again I am only ever hearing one side of the story).

Talliesin wrote:

Now. If he had decided consciously to use a fling with you to get his ex out of his system, that might well be a very bad sign indeed. But since you say you're sure that he is not doing that, it's far from a bad thing if you do help him get over any negative shadows of his previous relationships

I very much want to help him do that. However, I guess I could do that as a friend, rather than complicate the situation further by becoming romantically involved.

sweet-rasmus wrote:

on the other hand, if you wait too long, your oppertunity will be gone. someone else will snatch him up! perhaps mentioning the prospect of you and him and just to leave it hanging untill he felt ready to give it a shot would be good.

this may well be the answer

Talliesin wrote:

Let me see, must have been about 3 months after I was out of a nine-year relationship before I got together with my fiancée. She was out of her last relationship for a matter of about one day.

Congrats - like to hear stories like that

Talliesin wrote:

I can't tell you that you won't have a bad experience with this guy too. Maybe you will. Maybe it'll be the most disastrous relationship in your life. Maybe you'll embarrass you're grandchildren dancing to old-folk's music from the early 2000s on your 60th wedding anniversary. All worth-while possibilities have risk.

I know, you're right. I'm just scared of a repeat performance of my previous experience of being with someone who was still in love with someone else. But you're right, I guess every individual situation is different, and I hate wondering what might have been.

-k

Talliesin

There are definite advantages, there are plenty of counter-examples to that too.

My point really is that no particular example is going to necessarily apply, you'll always find plenty of counter-examples.