Long distance bf cheated - should i see him?

LegacyUser

Im so confused and upset at the moment. I do need some advice but part of me just needs to get everything out.

My bf of 10months broke up with me last sunday after he kissed somebody else. It was a longdistance relationship. We had had a couple of bad months but had been getting on so well all week i thought we were finally back to normal. He text me on his way out saturday night telling me he loved me lots & lots & then went off & kissed someone.

My initial reaction was the obvious - its over. but what saddened me was that he didnt even want me to forgive him, he wanted it over. we took a few days to see how we felt, & while i was thinking i could actually forgive him, he was deciding that he doesnt want me anymore & wants to be single.

Initially i asked to see him to say goodbye - the break up was done over skype - & he had agreed to come see me this sunday, and i have a lot of stuff belonging to him to give him. But now i think it would just kill me to see him. But at the same time i think i need to see him to get some sort of closure. Part of me thinks ill see him & hate him for what hes done to me, but im afraid ill see him & just fall apart. By sunday it will have been a week, & while im still incredibly upset & missing him at the moment, the pain has lessened slightly to what it was on monday & i dont want to go back there.

My mother thinks id be mad to see him & that it would set me back hugely, while a couple of my friends think i need it for the whole "closure" thing. I just dont know what to do anymore. Any advice?

I know im better off out of the relationship, hes a different person to the boy that loved me & been acting very out of character lately (the cheating is something he always swore hed never do - to anyone not just me, and hes getting mixed up in some other stuff that i just dont want to be a part of). But i miss the boy he was, and it hurts so much. i know theres no easy way out of it, but ive some important work to do at the moment & ive no concentration & im really afraid im going to **** it all up.

I know noone can advise me on how to get over him. Theres the obvious no contact, which will be done, all msn/skype/bebo etc are blocked. id delete his number but i know it.. i wish i could throw myself into my work but ive no concentration, and since im not sleeping ive even less, and im not eating either.

What kills me is he is the one person who makes me feel ok when im upset & hes the person whos done this to me. I dont know how to cope.

(Sorry this was longer than i thought it would be)

Ruu_Old

I don't see the point in seeing him as it will probably only put you back in square one. Do whatever you have to do, keep busy with other things and forget about it.

Wibbs

I know it doesn't help but he's not much of a catch. I would say he's an idiot and an immature one at that. Not for breaking up, that happens. The manner of it I would expect from somebody for which the clearasil was a constant companion.

I wouldn't see him either. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He hadn't the balls to leave you before he went off with someone else, so he doesn't get to see you or get to see you hurt. At this point you own him nothing.

CathyMoran

Don't see him, it will only hurt even more, you are far better off without him.

helpmeplease

yep, definitely do not see him.
i went through a break up a few months back. did the same thing as you. went to see her but it made things worse.
he will likely be cold towards you and it will be heartbreaking.
you are far better off without him, trust me. there are loads of guys out there who will make you far happier.
but for now, get used to being on your own and finding other sources of comfort when you are upset.
you managed just fine before he ever came along, you will manage just fine long after he is gone:)

girloperfection

dumped wrote:

i wish i could throw myself into my work but ive no concentration, and since im not sleeping ive even less, and im not eating either.
What kills me is he is the one person who makes me feel ok when im upset

I know exactly how you feel, its awfull. I also need to see my ex as I think it would make things easier, i cant explain how i think it would make things easier but its something i have to do.
If you do decide to see him make sure you sort your head out first and realise that you are better off without someone who has cheated on you (and probably would do it again), being in a long distance relationship is hard enough without worrying that he is going to cheat on you again if you got back together.

Crumble Froo

there's pros and cons to both options... i think you need to weigh out what's more important to you. i know a few people who after break ups somewhat like that, didnt get to see the person, or didnt get to talk it out... to this day, years later, they wish they could see the person one last time. be it to just talk over some of the finer points of hte relationship, to express their anger at the person for the way they were treated, even to forgive them face to face. all very different people, all different relationships, all different circumstances, but it does happen a lot that people feel a need to see their ex's, and wish they had have gotten it over with before instead of harbouring those feelings and questions for so long.

on the other hand, do you want to express emotion now? you can surprise yourself somtiems, thinking you might fall apart in a given situation and handle it quite well, or thinking you'll be grand and then fall apart... id definitely think long and hard about whether or not you want to see him. WHY do you want to see him exactly? is that a good enough reason dya reckon? what would you say to him? what's he likely to say to you? would it make it better or worse do you think?

at teh end of the day, as you know, it's your choice. i just hope you make it for the right reasons, and aren't left regretting whatever you do.

im also in a long distance relatoinship, and we hit a bit of a 'hiccup' a few months ago, and just the not being able to see him when it ended almost killed me. in my head, there was just so much i had to say, i had to ask about, i spent about two weeks crying before i made a (not particularly advisable) huge leap and decided **** it, im gonna fly 13,000 miles over to his country cos i need to speak to him. and i did....

... so really... do think long and hard about it...how much do you need to talk to him, or will you be better off just letting him go?

LegacyUser

narco wrote:

on the other hand, do you want to express emotion now? you can surprise yourself somtiems, thinking you might fall apart in a given situation and handle it quite well, or thinking you'll be grand and then fall apart... id definitely think long and hard about whether or not you want to see him. WHY do you want to see him exactly? is that a good enough reason dya reckon? what would you say to him? what's he likely to say to you? would it make it better or worse do you think?

Im not sure why i want to see him. i know theres a part of me that thinks if we see each other he'll want me again, because we had a rocky patch awhile ago & seeing each other fixed it - or so i thought. Part of it IS simply to say goodbye. we said goodbye over skype. Part is to see how i feel when i see him, because i know if im angry & cant stand the sight of him it will help me getting over it.

I dont really think theres anything left to say. i think hes thrown away something really special but he doesnt seem to agree. but only 2 weeks ago, the last time we saw each other he was telling me how special what we had was.

My main problem is i just dont understand what happened, and how feelings could change in such a short time.

Another part of me just wants to slap him.

narco wrote:

... so really... do think long and hard about it...how much do you need to talk to him, or will you be better off just letting him go?

I dont think he wants to talk it through any more. He had agreed to meet me, (him travelling to me) if i really wanted it but said he doesnt think it will do me any good. He will be around here in a month or so, & said i could meet him then if i want, but i cant help think that would be even worse.

Thanks for all the replies. I think im going to leave seeing him for now. It would be tomorrow. I might see him in a few weeks if i feel able but im thinking it wont help. Ive just never felt pain like this & dont know what to do or how to get over it.

Crumble Froo

aw, you poor thing, my heart really does go out to you! well, best of luck anyway, pain passes... and ye seem to be on (relatively) good terms if he's offering to go down because you think it'll make you feel better, so maybe even after time, if you decide you actually do really really need to talk to him, that might be a possibility.

it's hard to say from my position, but either way, *hugs* best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks all. i just have to keep telling myself im better off without him. my head knows i am, but my heart just wants everything to be ok again.

i dont want to hate men, i know lots of great men, but once i thought he was a great one too. i dont know how ill ever trust anyone again, or ever believe anyone when they tell me they love me. if i ever find anyone who does..

LegacyUser

That's an awful pity, sorry to hear that. I probably do believe him when he said that he would never cheat on anyone, I assume he meant on anyone he loved, he fell out of love with you by being far apart, but it's still absolutely no excuse, your better off without him. He just wasn't the guy for you, don't be too upset, although easier said than done, but better days have yet to come...