Its a new day, Its a new beginning, I'm starting all over again!

af_thefragile

So i don't know the point of writing this but i thought i'ld just share this with you guys.

I've had quite a rough time over the past month. Been through the end of the most serious relationship of my life. Watched my ex walk away from it all and "bounce back" on her friend. Her friend being the last person on earth i'ld want her to go out with. Moaned over her, loved her, hated her, hated my life, tried moving on, tried everything possible, cut away from her, started to move on, was recovering from it all, then something made me send her a hate mail, she snapped, she got seriously pissed off, decided to forget me and her "**** haunting past" and completely moved out of my life disregarding, disrespecting everything we had over the past months.

It was all quite depressing, but i had decided to not let this take me down anymore. Maybe it all happened for the good. So i decided to forget it all. Leave behind that part of my life. The parts of my live i cherished and i lost. Leave everything behind and move on to start over again. Begin a new life.

Today is the 1st day of my new life. My first step towards pursuing the life i've always wanted. The future is blurry and uncertain but I'm not gonna waste my present worrying over the future. Today is a new day. Its the 1st day. Its a new beginning. Its all brand new and i've got all these new places to explore. I've made some decisions and resolutions for my new life. I'm not gonna waste a single part of this new life. Looks like i'm gonna have quite a busy schedule ahead of me. Gotta workout everyday, work on my music, work on my life. Work on achieving the life i've always wanted to live. Not gonna let anything take me down anymore.

Though i'm still haunted by the echoes from the memories and events of my past. I'm also scared of being someone elz in this process. I do feel myself change sometimes. I'm don't want my past to change my attitude towards relationships and live in the future, or if it does, its for the good. Its not easy. But nothing is easy in life... and then as i always say... "No Pain, No Game!". I just hope i stay strong through all of this. I just hope i stick to my decisions and resolutions. I cant go back to where i've come from, where i've moved on from. This is my new life and i've gotta live everyday of this live to the fullest! I'm scared of failing, I'm scared this life might end up in a disappointment as everything elz in my life before. I just hope this one doesn't let me down.

Maybe i should stop worrying bout what the future holds and concentrate on my present! For now I've got all the energy and enthusiasm of starting something new! Sorry for the length of this post. Just wanted to share my new ideas and plans with you all. Maybe you guys can help me keep my energy and enthusiasm up with this and keep me from falling back into the hole i've finally managed to climb out of..

So wish me luck with my new life. I wish you guys all the luck with whatever you guys have plans for.

Thanks for reading this.
Af.:)

00112984

Atta boy- that's the attitude.

Best of luck with the rest of your life!

whiskeyman

I Sir, salute you!

What you've written is inspiring.
Best of luck wherever your life may take you. There will be more rough times, but with this attitute, you'll sail through them. Enjoy what you got and live it

marinchik

Trully inspiring:)
I wish you all the best, thats the way to do it...
We do sometimes get this moments when you think its all over for you, but hell no, it isn't and life is too short to be crying all the time and put things on hold, just live to the fullest...
And believe you me, there something better for you out there.....
Good luck:D

kdouglas

fair play, best of luck with it

siochain

Excellent, you go for it man, by making the statement of intent your have taken a huge step.

I look forward to seeing an update on this post in 6 months time and hearing about all the positive things that are happening in you life.

Live in the moment and you’ll never look back.

G&T

Best of luck with your fresh start,

Going on what you've written above id say you should put pen to paper and write a few song's about your journey,

niavie

Good Luck!!!:d

af_thefragile

Thanks guys for your support. It only helps me and inspires me more to keep up with what i've planned to do!

I'll surely give you guys an update. Hopefully this should keep me from drifting off track too cuz i tend to do that A LOT!

Thanks for the support. It has all been a learning curve for me over the past months.

I think there are two ways you can go after going through rough situations. You can either learn from it all and direct in a life as to mimise the risk of it happening again or be prepared for it if it happens again and deal with it more strongly not letting it affect you much...
Or you can immerse and drown yourself in it all and stay there in that hole of yours only digging deeper and deeper in it until it gets so deep that climbing out seems impossibe and you end up giving up on your life.

As the thought of myself ending up in that deep hole horrifies me, I've decided to go by the wiser option!
Though i'm scared of becoming a different/changed person in this new lifeof mine. I don't want my past to have a drastic effect on my personality (which i feel it has left a few scars in me changing the way i look at things, i only hope its all for the good). I'ld like to stay me cuz i like the person i am. I'm scared of becoming too closed while trying to protect myself from future blows. (Have taken an appointment with a counsellor, I hope my counsellor can help me out with that problem).

Well, for now i'm just gonna take life the way it comes to me and try to make the best out of it all...

Thanks everyone for the support. I'm no expert in this but i'ld like to say to everyone suffering from depression or just going through a tough time, its all mostly in your head and its never too late to snap out of it and to make a change. Its all upto a desicion. A strong desicion to change your life to the way you've always wanted it to be and stick to it. That'll make all the difference in your life!

dame

Congratulations! Been making some changes myself lately and all fired up to keep the momentum going now, thanks!

Duff

Best of luck with it man!! Hope it all works out for ya!

bronte

Aww reading this really made my day.
You're an inspiration hun, I hope you find what it is you truely want.
Life is short , we have to live each day to the full and as if its our last.

Hugs!! and best of luck!

LegacyUser

AF..
in times of doubt always remember, don't ever walk backwards into your future.

Odette

af_thefragile

OdetteC wrote:

AF..
in times of doubt always remember, don't ever walk backwards into your future.

Odette

Thats a really good piece of advise...
I've herd this once
"If you're gonna drive your car looking constantly in the rear view mirror, you're only gonna crash!"


Thanks everyone for all the encouragement and support. I'll try my best not to let you all down. Its easier to just sit and watch the world pass you by than to try and move your world to where you want it to be. Takes a lot more effort to do that but its a lot more rewarding too. But its a lot tough too and the temptation to just ease up and take a break from it all is quite a lot.
But i've gotta keep my head steady and keep moving forward. I just cant see myself go back down in that hole again.

Thanks everyone for the support. I'll try my best not to let you guys down. Maybe this will keep me motivated and keep me from dropping out of the race..

NZdubstar

On the other hand, you may never meet anyone again in your life, your ex thinks you're a freako stalker that sends hate mail, you screwed up the one chance you'll ever get with a girl, the rest of your life is now totally meaningless, and you'll die a bitter old tortured lonely man. This could happen too.

af_thefragile

^haha,

I really dont know why i sent the hate mail.. it was more like an experiment to see what effect it'ld have on her as at that point i really didnt care, she was already almost out of my life, we were hardly speaking anymore, what more damage could a lil experiment do!! The cool thing from that experiment was that i've learned what hate mails do, they only make people snap! So never ever send a hate mail to someone you like! Learning from mistakes or erm.. experiments!

And then there's probably something better in my life for i broke up with my ex...
My life doesn't revolve around girls and sex so losing one close person from my life shouldn't make a big difference. I'll always find some meaning to life. Or why should i bother bout all of that....

Just live in the present. Take things the way they come to you and see whats the best you can make out of it all!

No negitivity... it only does damage!

NZdubstar

so all that anger and resentment and bitterness is suddenly gone?? Nonsense, it takes most of men years to get rid of it, some of them never. Coming on boards and writing up a load of cheery-happy codswollop isn't going to do you any good. Why do you want to tell strangers about this anyway?

The Sweeper

While I won't be as harsh as NZdubstar, I will say this:

In two weeks time when you fall flat on your face again and feel like you're going to die, don't be hard on yourself. You haven't failed at anything. In fact, you're in precisely the right place. It's difficult to get over things, you'll relapse many times.

I describe my past as a sinking ship - every so often it bobs to the surface again, until finally it will sink beneath the waters without a trace.

togster

NZDubstar your comments are not and will not help the OP. Best of luck man.:D

NZdubstar

sorry but why would anyone want to read this tripe. The man should grow a spine and get on with it quietly. Other generations had wars to go to and worry about. A victim of the 21st Century Western World I think.

geuro

i'm with NZDubstar on this. what a load of feel good self righteous manic nonsense. Get on with it op, toughen up and quit the drama

Wibbs

NZdubstar wrote:

The man should grow a spine and get on with it quietly.

Yep. Have to agree in some ways. Although your other posts on the subject show equal immaturity and some issues yourself. Anyway, it's clear he's young. He'll grow out of it.

af_thefragile wrote:

I really dont know why i sent the hate mail.. it was more like an experiment to see what effect it'ld have on her as at that point i really didnt care, she was already almost out of my life, we were hardly speaking anymore, what more damage could a lil experiment do!! The cool thing from that experiment was that i've learned what hate mails do, they only make people snap! So never ever send a hate mail to someone you like! Learning from mistakes or erm.. experiments!

Straight away here's a problem. You haven't learned a damn thing about this incident. Nothing. Nada. You come across as a 12 year old child not an adult man. That's the first thing you need to address.

Just live in the present. Take things the way they come to you and see whats the best you can make out of it all!

Lovely in theory, but only if you're mindful of the future and have learned from the past.

No negitivity... it only does damage!

Only if you're an American self help guru. I think too may people use that line as a way to avoid the negativity in themselves that may need fixing.

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

In two weeks time when you fall flat on your face again and feel like you're going to die, don't be hard on yourself. You haven't failed at anything. In fact, you're in precisely the right place. It's difficult to get over things, you'll relapse many times.

Nail on the head. The only thing I would add to that is you will only get over something if you examine why it happened, acknowledge that it did happen and change the behaviour you need to change in yourself for the next time it may happen. You need to grieve too.

I describe my past as a sinking ship - every so often it bobs to the surface again, until finally it will sink beneath the waters without a trace.

Maple

your "experiment" is a load of rubbish, you weren't experimenting, you were hurting and wanted to hurt her. Own your actions man, don't spout nonsense about experiments. :rolleyes:

but good luck with the rest of it. onwards and upwards.

Marksie

I am with wibbs and mines a jackdaniels on this.

At the moment you are on a high, positive and looking outwards. That is fine. Temper it with wisdom over what you have done in the past. Also temper it with the fact that negative things in your future will occur.

The hate mail comments are testimony to the fact that while you have the right idea that looking outwards rather than looking back it is just a start.
You essentially unloaded the last of your negativity in the wrong fashion.
You essentially went out to hurt the other person.
There was nothing cool in your experiment, nothing mature, you vented the last of your resentment with the full knowledge it would hurt and the reaction you would get.
Now, if you had put that you had mailed and accepted the past, i would be more fulsome in praise. However, it is a learning curve, as Wibbs said, you are young. Thw "wise option" is to accept both the negatives and positives (its about balance really, and you can't have one without the other). It is also about truly clearing what has happened in your past. you have just shifted it, I beleive as you begin to develop then the pasts events will reappear and need full resolution.

NZDUBSTAR: I am also in agreement with wibbs as regards immaturity and issues, based both on these series of posts and those in other PI threads

Reku

Marksie wrote:

At the moment you are on a high, positive and looking outwards. That is fine. Temper it with wisdom over what you have done in the past. Also temper it with the fact that negative things in your future will occur.

Was just thinking that the opening post seems a bit TOO upbeat for someone claiming to be coming back from depression (but then again a bad month is not depression! Everyone gets those from time to time.), thoughts seem a bit hectic too*... hardly has manic depression (haven't been aware of knowing anyone with this but have heard it can be like this, really glum one day, extremely happy and cheerful/hyper the next) and doesn't realise?

Anyway, OP, life is going to screw you over time and time again, it's just the way things are, getting mad at others doesn't help, it just makes the journey that much rougher on you and them. The fact that you claim that you didn't really care about how the hate mail affected your ex shows you're either still not entirely being honest with yourself or you're a sociopath. I doubt it's the latter so this is among the things you'll need to deal with before you can really move on, living in denial just sets you up for a harder fall when you can't block things out any longer.

Hopefully you can deal with things better from here on out, though to be honest you'll probably have a few trips and falls along the way.


*Could just be the syntax and layout making them seem hectic though.

af_thefragile

Well, thanks for the comments guys...

I understand the hate mail was a mistake. I actually never had intended to send it to her, i had just written it down one day just for an outlet. It has been a tough time and i have been trying hard to move on. I know i cant just snap out of it all and move forwards. I've been trying that for a good while now, it wont happen. Its gradual. Even right now i find myself falling back at times and i try to pick myself up.

I've never believed in living in denial and running away from my problems. I've always tried to solve them, learn from them and move on to never commit the same mistake twice.

Well for now, as she's gone and she's completely out of my life, i've got little left but to start all over again and thats what i'm trying to do. I know someday i'll go back and find her, i know we'll never be what we were, i dont even wanna be in a relationship with her again. I might even not feel like going back to her once i'm over her.

This has all been a learning curve for me. I know where i've gone wrong. Though the break up wasn't either of us fault (we were forced to part cuz of her mom not liking us together), i know i had become a different person towards the end of the relationship from what i was when she fell in love with me. I wasn't/am not the same person she fell in love with anymore. I'm not that strong, confident, stable person i was back then. I've become this weak, insecure excuse of a guy with little purpouse for life! But this is not what i intended to and thats what i'm trying to do now. I'm trying to go back to the strong, confident person i was. I know that was me, I know i can get back there again.

I know life is full of dissapointments. I know that really well. It was just 2 days ago my ex went out of my life. Well, i did apologise to her and i myself told her it was best for both of us to not stay in eachothers lives for now cuz we'll only make things harder and worse.

So yesterday was the first day of my "new life". As i didn't have to bother bout my ex anymore. She was gone and i had to start all over again with my life. Sure i had managed to climb out of the hole, but i was still standing at the bottom of the valley. Its a long hard road to climb on top of the mountain. I dont give up on things easily. That could be both a good thing and a bad thing for me. Again no one is perfect and i've still got a long way to go. Yesterday was just my first step towards getting out of the mess i had put myself into and moving towards the life i've wanted.

Right now i've got nothing to hate, little left to lose. I guess i've still got some hate in me but i'll just late it fade away. Right now its summer so i'm pretty much on a vacation mode. There's not much going on in life. I've got almost 3 months till college starts and thats pretty much when i'll start to notice how far i've come and how much i've improved. Till then its just gonna be me trying to move forward, falling, picking up myself and keep on moving forward. There's a lot more out there in life. I've been giving my ex too much importance, my life doesn't need to revolve around one girl! I know there are still loads of issues i've gotta work on. I know where the flaws are. Thats why i've taken an appointment with a counsellor. But i've got other aspects of live to work on. I've got my health, my music, my studies, my friends, my social aspect. Its just me trying to start building myself and my life again from scratch, well not scratch, just from where i'm now. So all i've been trying to do was to build a barrier behind me stopping myself from falling back into that mess. I know there'll be disspointments but i dont want my ex to come up as an issue for me again. I've been trough it all, i've learned from it all and now she's gone, its the end of that chapter, that life. Its time to start a new chapter, a new life for me!

Caliden

Just remember if you want something you have to take it. So get out there and grab life by the balls and enjoy yourself!

Thanks for sharing