Am i being stupid for being with him?

marinchik

Hi there,

Here is my situation:
I'm with my man for 2 yrs now. I live in Dublin he lives in Trim. I would come over to Trim once a month and we owuld go out for a few drinks then come back to my friends house for a bit of fun:)
He never went up to Dublin, saying that he works there every day and sick of it:( We never go out for a meal or cinema, but friends say that its just the way he is.
But i want him to be a bit more commited, so i can feel that he actually cares about me.
Sometimes i get tired of this and try to break up with him, but he will be on to me saying ah come om we are great together, i like you and things the way they are ..and etc... So i end up making up with him....
I don't know what to do, stay with him? or break up and look for some one else?

Any thoughts on this?

Tnks

ShowUsYourXbox

You're being stupid for not talking to him about it, explaining how you aren't happy and if he's serious about this relationship he'll have to make more of an effort.

You know what the problem is, just talk to him about it.

challengemaster

tell him how you feel, and that you need more commitment from him. if he's not willing to give it (and i dont mean just say it - if he doesnt become more commited to you after you mention it) then leave him and dont go back. you have your own needs and if you're not feeling loved in the relationship.. whats the point of it?

LegacyUser

hold on, you only see this guy once a month?
and when you do ye just go for drinks and then have sex?

eh...maybe i'm missing something here but he's not your boyfriend, just because this has been ongoing for two years it still doesn't make him your boyfriend. it makes him your f**k buddy.

But i want him to be a bit more commited, so i can feel that he actually cares about me.

he doesn't and he won't, you're just sex on a plate tbh.

but he will be on to me come om we are great together, i like you and things the way they are

ha, i'm sure he does!

seahorse

marinchik wrote:

Sometimes i get tired of this and try to break up with him, but he will be on to me saying ah come om we are great together, i like you and things the way they are ..and etc... So i end up making up with him....

Hi Marinchik; I've singled out the above line in order to point out to you that you are only considering his feelings here. He says he likes things as they are, and you revert back to that situation for his sake, even though you are not satisfied with how things are at all. Do you see what you are doing here? You are putting his wants and needs in a position of primary importance, and denying the validity of your own. No relationship can function healthily this way. In fact, if you want a future with this man, the very worst thing you could do would be to continue to deny the legitimacy of your own relationship needs. You can be sure he wont offer to fulfil them, and you will grow resentful and then the relationship will be poisoned anyway as a result.

My first instinct would be to tell you to leave this man and find someone else, but I know the likelihood of your listening to me would be very slim, so my next best advice would be to decide for yourself what it means to be respected and cherished here, and not to give an inch in ensuring that your relationship needs are met. Good luck.

hanni1234

He doesnt want anythin serious plain and simple. He likes you, doesnt either want to lose you as a friend or have you think hes an as*hole so he isnt being straight with you. He knows you like him alot and he does like you too but not enough by the sounds of things. Ive been in this position with a girl before. Really liked to see chat to her on the phone and send cheeky texts and fancied her too just didnt see myself with with her like she did me. I also didnt have the guts to burn my bridges with her because i was selfish and didnt want to lose her

marinchik

I tried, but he just would make a joke or something. And then he'll say ok lets go for a wekend together if thats what would make you happy.... Like he is going to do me a favor just to shut me up:(
But also would never actually go away with me, he promisses a lot but never do anything....

Oryx

Sounds like you are living on crumbs from his table. Youve said it yourself, your not getting what you want, and he wont change. So unless he has a serious change of heart, or you decide to live like this for the forseeable future, you need to leave him.

For what its worth, you deserve more.

seahorse

There is an old saying that I feel may apply to your situation OP. Here it is; 'A man wont buy the cow when he gets the milk for free'. In past times I suppose it was said in reference to marriage, but today it could just as well apply to any level of commitment.

I dont think this man is going to commit to you as long as you are giving him what he wants on a no strings basis. I think his behaviours have already made that abundantly clear. Like I said, you've got to insist on having your needs met if you really do want this relationship.

The Corinthian

Commitment doesn't even come into what you have. As someone correctly pointed out you are de facto his fsckbuddy.

He sees you once a month for sex. Socially his interaction with you in minimal (a few drinks before sex). He refuses to deviate from this pattern and seems uninterested in any concession. On the other hand you're also a doormat. All he has to do is whisper a few sweet half-baked promises (that even you don't believe) and you tow the line.

So, TBH, if you were in an actual relationship with him I think you could discuss commitment, but you're not. I suggest you follow the general advice here and take a good look at where you are in this and either act upon it or become comfortable with your lot.

marinchik

Yep you all right... Probably i like him so much i just affaid to actually leave him... And would listen to all his friend saying that he likes you a lot but thats him thats the way he sees relationships......

I think it time for me to give him something to think about...alone...:)

Thanks for replies, sometimes strange people can open your eyes when your friends affaid to hurt your feelings:)

The Corinthian

marinchik wrote:

Thanks for replies, sometimes strange people can open your eyes when your friends affaid to hurt your feelings:)

And they don't get much stranger than here...

LegacyUser

I've had more of a relationship in 2 months that you've had in 2 years.
Like everyone else has said, he doesn't even seem like a boyfriend.

But you can bet that once you say you won't see him anymore he'll be on his knees. To be honest he seems like an a$$ who is using you for sex but like most women, sex means more to you than him.

Sever and get yourself a proper boyfriend who will take you out and treat you proper, and believe me there are plently of us out there

Maple

get rid of him. thats not a relationship. you see him once a month? and he only lives in Trim? Dump him. Lazy git doesn't deserve you.

tritium

2 years and he hasn't bothered his A$$ to meet you in Dublin, even though he works there!! The guyis using you end of! And of course he'll be lovey dovey if he thinks you'll end it, since that would be the end of his fun.

Unless you're happy to be his shag buddy, dump the git and then have no contact with till he gets the message

marinchik

Hi you guy's,

i'm so in a humor right now to give him a p45;), sadly i can't really do it now...
His birthday is this weekend....
Have to leave it till next week....
I'm not happy with the way things are beatween us.. maybe i just was hoping that some day he will actually change and commit and everything will be as i want.... Kinda got tired of waiting for him to grow up:)

Thanks,

_blank_

marinchik wrote:

Hi you guy's,

i'm so in a humor right now to give him a p45;), sadly i can't really do it now...
His birthday is this weekend....

So he can use you just one more time?

marinchik wrote:

Have to leave it till next week....

But you won't do it next week will you?

marinchik wrote:

I'm not happy with the way things are beatween us..

The get rid immediately.

marinchik

Wouldn't it be harsh to do it few days before his birthday?
I'm definately going to end it next week i've waited a long time and put up with lots... Like i said i have tried to do it so many times before and would end up makind up, because he would be begging and acting nice and all...
But not this time, enough is enough..:mad:

Cheers,

Maple

marinchik wrote:

Wouldn't it be harsh to do it few days before his birthday?
I'm definately going to end it next week i've waited a long time and put up with lots... Like i said i have tried to do it so many times before and would end up makind up, because he would be begging and acting nice and all...
But not this time, enough is enough..:mad:

Cheers,

DUMP HIM, DUMP HIM, DUMP HIM. Seriously. Why are you having care and consideration for him when he plainly shows you none? I'd send him a happy birthday card with "you're dumped" on the inside. Serious tosser.

axer

marinchik wrote:

Wouldn't it be harsh to do it few days before his birthday?

No it wouldn't. Just do it and don't change your mind no matter what he says. Saying "Ive tried" etc etc are not excuses. There is nothing stopping you from just breaking up with him and leaving it like that no matter what he says. Then delete his number and any other contact details you have for him and leave it at that. End of story.

There is nothing stopping you ringing him up now and doing it now. Your wasting your life putting it off plus you will probably just change your mind when you meet up with him for his birthday (which I presume you will be doing).

marinchik

Ye you right... i'll call him tonight and brake up with him....
Oh man, its going to be hard.. but i know thats the right thing to do...

Oryx

The fact that you are considering his feelings coming up to his birthday does show what a nice person you are, but please dont put a break up off because of this, or anything. Therell always be a reason not to, if you want to find one.

Talliesin

Life's too short to drink bad wine.

sweet-rasmus

tbh this relationship sounds all too cushy for him. hope the phone call went ok for you. you just wait; there are plenty more fish in the sea.