Men Problems

LegacyUser · 12-07-2007 1:00pm #1

I've been seing my boyfriend for 10 months and through out this whole time we have done nothing. We have never gone away for weekends, never taken me out for dinner, Never bought be anything for Xmas or my Birthday. He only comes over to my house lately one night a week.

I broke up with him for a few weeks 3 months ago and he did all the running to get back with me, Promised me the sun moon and stars and even told me he loved me. I rarely hear those words again. He said at the time he didnt want to come over all lovely dovey as it would tarnish his manly rep.

Recently i've had a friend who has shown everything to me in the way's he loves me, Even told me that he would take me and my kids on and would do anything for me.

Im very fond of him but couldnt do anyting until I know for definatly that its not going to work out with my boyfriend. I could do with an outside view from other people or if anyone has had the same type of relationship.

_blank_ · 12-07-2007 1:11pm

Get rid of the boyfriend tbh.

But don't go rushing into a new relationship.

G&T · 12-07-2007 1:18pm

Your boyfriend sound's like he is in this for a good time not a long time.

I would dump him,

The other guy sound's lovely but take it slow you have more than yourself to think about.

Wibbs · 12-07-2007 1:23pm

I agree with seansouth. Drop the current bloke. Like he was radioactive. You've given him the chance and he hasn't changed. The manly rep bit is bull as well although it does work on a lot of women. But it's pure 100% bull. Now I don't think coming over all lovey dovey is the answer either. On it's own it'll often drive women away. Backing it up with actions is the far more important. He isn't. Hence drop him.

It's only difficult for you because he's keeping his emotional distance, he's making you chase him, making you hope you can change him. You value him more because of this. They're very attractive traits to a lot of women. At least in a small way. That's often why women go out with "bastards" and "nice guys" don't get a look in. The sad fact is you can be too "nice"* as much as being too distant. The latter gets more results though.

I also agree with seansouth on not jumping into a new relationship. You need space. I mean a couple of months space. Just for you. This other man if he does love you will understand this and give you that space to breathe. If either of you starts to get too clingy too quickly that would be a very bad start to a relationship that may work out. Don't take the risk.

*Nice is often better translated as coming across as weak, needy, clingy, overemotional and immature with low self confidence. Not admirable traits in a man.

humanji · 12-07-2007 1:35pm

Agree with the above. Dump the boyfriend. He won't change, no matter how much he says he will. And again, take things easy with the other guy. Maybe some time alone would do you good.

Beruthiel · 12-07-2007 1:40pm

Men problems wrote:

Recently i've had a friend who has shown everything to me in the way's he loves me, Even told me that he would take me and my kids on and would do anything for me.

A very nice offer.
However, then you say this:

Im very fond of him but couldnt do anyting until I know for definatly that its not going to work out with my boyfriend.

If the friend is in second place to the so called boyfriend, I would say that you dump the b/f and leave the friend alone. Both are not for you.

Pyjamarama · 12-07-2007 2:13pm

Agree with the above - dump the 'boyfriend'. He wants a relationsgip with all of the perks and none of the effort. As for the friend, you say you're fond of him - this isn't enough to base a relationship on, its enough to base a friendship on which is what you already have, my advice is don't ruin it!

Garz · 12-07-2007 2:17pm

10 months with this loser and you havent yet figured out it's going nowhere- what planet are you on?

ladylorenzo · 12-07-2007 2:27pm

What a plonker. Can't believe he hasnt so much s bought you a birthday prezzie. Get rid.You and your kids deserve better. LL

LegacyUser · 12-07-2007 2:29pm

Garz wrote:

10 months with this loser and you havent yet figured out it's going nowhere- what planet are you on?

I know but I actually do love him, I think. We are ment to be going away next weekend for a friends bday party and I cant cancel him now as she has organised this party like a bloody wedding with sit down meal and needed the names of the people and he has been looking forward to it for ages.

Lola123 · 12-07-2007 2:31pm

Dump the boyfriend...a leopard (unfortunately) doesn't change his spots.
Been in a similar situation before....didin't work out.
As for the friend, if he's second best then he's not right for you and perhaps you only think you want him because you know how well he'd treat you...not becuase you want to be with HIM.

smilingatyou · 12-07-2007 3:00pm

maybe your bf is intimidated by your kids,
he seems to be going to your friends dinner. which you say is fairly formal, ask him his opinion on them. Maybe he avoids your BD as this is a family day and is afraid to get too close

biko · 12-07-2007 3:04pm

Sit down with the boy and tell him to shape up.
I don't think the other guy is a solution as you are clearly not in love with him.

LegacyUser · 12-07-2007 3:06pm

smilingatyou wrote:

maybe your bf is intimidated by your kids,
he seems to be going to your friends dinner. which you say is fairly formal, ask him his opinion on them. Maybe he avoids your BD as this is a family day and is afraid to get too close

He has never meet my kids as they stay with their dad also so I always have the house to myself when he comes over. He also has kids who live with their ma. I didnt tell him it was my bday until the day after as he asked what the occasion was that I was out late night before.

azezil · 12-07-2007 4:28pm

10 months and hasn't met your kids.

You complain about him not buying you a birthday present yet you didn't tell him when your birthday was.

Ah here, sounds like you're fúck buddies not "in love".

2funki4wheelz · 12-07-2007 4:55pm

Men problems2 wrote:

I didnt tell him it was my bday until the day after as he asked what the occasion was that I was out late night before.

Why wouldn't you tell him? B'days and going away are are all (hopefully) part of a good relationship.

Be honest with yourself as to whether you think he really cares about you and make a decision. No good being promised the sun moon and stars and getting nothing.

Maple · 12-07-2007 6:00pm

Men problems2 wrote:

He has never meet my kids as they stay with their dad also so I always have the house to myself when he comes over. He also has kids who live with their ma. I didnt tell him it was my bday until the day after as he asked what the occasion was that I was out late night before.

how can you give out about him not buying you a present when you didn't tell him it was your birthday? He's not a pyschic. :rolleyes:

But seriously if you're that unhappy, get rid of him. And don't even consider going near your friend until you've been on your own for a while. He doesn't deserve second best and neither do you.

PeakOutput · 12-07-2007 6:06pm

Men problems2 wrote:

I didnt tell him it was my bday until the day after as he asked what the occasion was that I was out late night before.

that is madness there is no way id get away with something like that with any of my x's.............do people not ask their partners when their birthday is???? i always do and fairly early on too..........he has no excuse for xmas either

if you really love him id sit him down make sure he knows you want more, give him a month but dont tell him that just say things have to change NOW........if theya re the same after a month then chuck him..............if you dont really love him then chuck him now

dont go with friend under any circusmtances in the near future as you know you are not mad about him

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