lonely

LegacyUser

my whole life life i've always been a bit of a loner, i never really had any close friends, i never allowed people to get close to me, and while it never really bothered me, I always envied people in relationships.

i know it sounds stupid but i never placed any real value in material things, money etc. I couldn't care less how much more money someone had than me, that they had a better car/job than me, it didn't matter but when i saw a random couple kissing/holding hands that really really hurt.

For a while i thought someday eventually i'd find a guy who i loved and who loved me, you know the way people say 'it'll happen when you're not looking for it'. Gradually all the people around me started being coupled up, and i stopped caring, i just accepted the fact that some people are destined to be alone. I had 2 really horrible years in college i was depressed and became really withdrawn. I started to think i was just unlovable. In my final year i managed to pull myself out of it made new friends and struck up the most amazing friendship with a guy who i was more open and honest with than i had ever been with anyone in my life. I can honestly say i love him and always will, platonically. he was the best friend i ever had.
so get to the point.

He made me realise just how empty my life had been before that. And now that i've left college, and am out in the real world, it just all seems so utterly pointless, i can earn all the money in the world, but it means nothing to me if i've no one to share it with. And i know all the cliched 'you cant love anyone till you love yourself', 'find yourself' stuff. But i've been through so much i know exactly who i am. I'd give anything just to have someone to come home to in the evenings. I've never had a relationship with anyone just a few dates that never amounted to anything. i'm sharing a house with a couple, and while its a gorgeous house, i'm starting to think of moving out because it makes me feel so worthless everytime i see them kissing or laughing together. I just want someone to share my life with so badly.
I just want to know how best to cop myself on and just accept the fact that theres a possibility that i'll never find anyone? its just that the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, makes life seem so pointless.

Wibbs

First things first. this will change.

Now, this platonic male friend. I'm just wondering why was it platonic?

Also you say you know the "cliched 'you cant love anyone till you love yourself', 'find yourself' stuff" and you reckon you know exactly who you are. May I be so bold as to suggest that knowing yourself and loving and liking yourself are two very different things. Quite a few people out there "know" themselves. Especially the shy introspective types. After all you admit to being a loner. The natural tendency for loners is to be introspective as they themselves are the person they most engage with. Don't get me wrong introspection is good in of itself, but at the end of the day all the introspection and knowing oneself won't amount to a damn thing if it's not put into practice Outrospectively(ouch:D ).

Now look at those whose lives you may envy. The chances are good they probably don't know themselves as well as you do. What are they doing differently to you?

You need to take a conscious decision to practice engaging with others. Not potential partners yet. that'll come with time. It's possible at this stage you could miss them completely. Co workers anybody really. Just practice talking to people. Baby steps at first. There's a whole world of the buggers out there. It will get easier with time. You will get better at it until it ceases to be practice and is natural to you. You may never be the life and soul, but it takes all sorts. You just have to aim to be the best you you can be. And that's more than enough. You will find someone in the end and they'll find you. In order for that to happen, you have to let yourself be found.

democrates

Stop obsessing about it and torturing yourself, get out there into places where you meet people and get mixing, night courses, pubs, salsa dancing or whatever.

You're looking to change your life so you should have zero loyalty to this rut you're in. All bets are off with the old ways, you know who you are and your capacity for a more fulfilling life, so be who you are, get out there and start rolling the dice, in time the right numbers will come up.

Wibbs

democrates wrote:

You're looking to change your life so you should have zero loyalty to this rut you're in. All bets are off with the old ways, you know who you are and your capacity for a more fulfilling life

This is a very good point. For me the very definition of pointless in life's path is repeating patterns of behaviour ad infinitum that just aren't working. I know, I know, it's often easier said than done, but it is doable.

LegacyUser

'

Also you say you know the "cliched 'you cant love anyone till you love yourself', 'find yourself' stuff" and you reckon you know exactly who you are. May I be so bold as to suggest that knowing yourself and loving and liking yourself are two very different things. Quite a few people out there "know" themselves. Especially the shy introspective types. After all you admit to being a loner. The natural tendency for loners is to be introspective as they themselves are the person they most engage with. Don't get me wrong introspection is good in of itself, but at the end of the day all the introspection and knowing oneself won't amount to a damn thing if it's not put into practice Outrospectively(ouch ).

that makes a lot of sense, thanks.

Now, this platonic male friend. I'm just wondering why was it platonic?

he's gay.

thanks for the replies, sorry the post came across as a bit whiney

i suppose i am just stuck in a rut, its just i miss the company of said friend. I'd always been alone before and was quite happy in my own company or so i thought but after being that close to someone being alone just seems so empty, plus i've done a lot of growing up in the past year and realise that i was never really happy in my own company i just told myself i was to stop feeling so isolated.

Stop obsessing about it and torturing yourself, get out there into places where you meet people and get mixing, night courses, pubs, salsa dancing or whatever

believe me i am trying, but its everywhere i go, i've been for 3 walks already this evening just to try and stop myself from thinking.

so be who you are, get out there and start rolling the dice, in time the right numbers will come up.

I just get so disheartened when i see friends treating guys like s**t, but yet the guys keep coming back for more. I'm starting to become bitter and jealous, and i don't want that.'

blow69

Where is the guy you were great friends with?Are you still in contact with him?Is he single?Maybe you two could start something up, or if not, why not go out together and look for friends and/or people to date.

Persius

lonelygirl_1 wrote:

....He made me realise just how empty my life had been before that. And now that i've left college, and am out in the real world, it just all seems so utterly pointless, i can earn all the money in the world, but it means nothing to me if i've no one to share it with. And i know all the cliched 'you cant love anyone till you love yourself', 'find yourself' stuff. But i've been through so much i know exactly who i am. I'd give anything just to have someone to come home to in the evenings. I've never had a relationship with anyone just a few dates that never amounted to anything. i'm sharing a house with a couple, and while its a gorgeous house, i'm starting to think of moving out because it makes me feel so worthless everytime i see them kissing or laughing together. I just want someone to share my life with so badly.
I just want to know how best to cop myself on and just accept the fact that theres a possibility that i'll never find anyone? its just that the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, makes life seem so pointless.

Hi LonelyGirl

Unfortunatly I can't give you any great tips on how to meet that someone special to share your life with. If I had those tips, I'd be using them myself. Many people (myself included) would love to meet that someone special, but it aint that easy.

However one thing I would say is this. If your current living arrangements make you feel uncomfortable, do move out. I would never live with a couple for exactly that reason. As a single in this position, you feel ackward, and like you're in their way. Definetly not the best way to shake the feelings you currently have. I'd say there are plenty of other apartments and houses out there where people are looking for a house mate. Ideally find one with two or three singles in it. Three is a good number for a flat share when there's no couples involved.

Take care, and best of luck.

CliffHuxtabel

Know how youre feeling lonelygirl. I remember specific periods of my life, particularly around the time i was in college, when i felt as lonely as you describe yourself.

Like you im a pretty quiet person in public and with this comes the inevitable difficulties in meeting and engaging with people. It didnt bother me much for a long while but, as you know, sooner or later youre gonna want to find someone to be with.

I dont have any practical advice for you. I totally agree with Wibbs when he says you need to make a concerted effort to interact with more people. The simple reason is that youll get better with practice and youre confidence will grow. I started a new job with alot of coworkers after i left college and it really helped me out of my shell and led me on to meeting a lot of girls i liked.

Overall i just want to remind you that there is an abundance of guys out there for you. Absolute abundance. Thousands im talkin about! Its a fact. If you were in your 40's or 50's id still say the same but youre in your 20's and, though it probably doesnt feel it, thats very young. Your chances of finding at least one guy who will make you happy are pretty high.

At the moment your desire to find a satisfying relationship is probably gnawing away at you but if you can remind yourself that there is plenty out there for you (which i can tell you there is) then the pressure you feel wont be so heavy.

I hope it works out for you

Wibbs

lonelygirl_1 wrote:

'

that makes a lot of sense, thanks.

It makes a nice change for me. Thanks yourself.:D

he's gay.

That might do it alright.

thanks for the replies, sorry the post came across as a bit whiney

Funny enough, for me at least it didn't. I wouldn't sweat it. I don't think anyone has written you off as an emo yet.

i suppose i am just stuck in a rut,

We all do it. We all get stuck in different ruts. I know I have. Recognising them is the first step really. Obvious but true.

its just i miss the company of said friend. I'd always been alone before and was quite happy in my own company or so i thought but after being that close to someone being alone just seems so empty,

Again common enough. Most of us going through our teenage years got into that or similar detachment, even if only for a short time. You kinda tyr on different hats to see what fits. I did the whole, "staring at the bottom of pint o guinesss, being "interesting"". Jesus!

plus i've done a lot of growing up in the past year and realise that i was never really happy in my own company i just told myself i was to stop feeling so isolated.

Bingo. We're a social animal at the back of it all. We do need to a lesser or greater extent the company and interaction of others.

believe me i am trying, but its everywhere i go, i've been for 3 walks already this evening just to try and stop myself from thinking.

Fair enough, but going for walks on your own will only make you think more. Not so good. The probability is simply that because of this long term rut, you haven't learned how to be different to the way you are at the moment. Social interaction is something you do learn. It may seem easy to other, but it's just that they learned earlier than you. Some social types may find it very difficult to be introspective. You find it easy simply through practice. Same with the social interaction. You will get better with practice. You won't get better going for long walks. Look, people who know me think I'm the most naturally social person they know. I have no problem dealing with anyone I meet. I'd talk to a lamppost. Was I always like this? Not on your nelly. I learned how to be like this. It's natural to me now, but when I was say 14? No way. Bashful wasn't in it.

Hell I'm rambling here, but the solution is fairly easy. For a start, like Persius says, if you're living arrangements are limiting your interaction with others, move to somewhere that won't. Even while living there, do the couple not interact with you? Do they not have mates that you interact with. Try to talk to one random stranger of either gender at least once a day. Start with your own gender at first maybe.

I just get so disheartened when i see friends treating guys like s**t, but yet the guys keep coming back for more.

If you swap, guys for girls, you'll hear that one from both genders here.

I'm starting to become bitter and jealous, and i don't want that.'

And you won't get that way, if you realise, that you're you and you need to be the best you there is. You need to let others see that and when they do....(that's a lot of you's ) Remember one thing, all those years of introspection have given you the advantage of personal insight. You would be surprised how many go through life, basically bumpin into things. You don't have that and many people are going to get the benefit of you during your life.

Maple

Firstly move out of that house. Every day you're being reminded of what you don't have. There are loads of lovely houses out there. Move out asap.

Secondly try not to think too much about what you don't have and instead think about what you do have, you have independence, a job, friends and family.

Thirdly, take yourself by the scruff of the neck and start getting involved in life, make a conscious effort to call people, arrange to meet people for coffee, drinks or food. Set yourself a goal of calling one person every day. Start interacting with the world, stop isolating yourself. It can get very lonely in your head.

Best of luck OP, it will take hard work but it can be done.

democrates

lonelygirl_1 wrote:

thanks for the replies, sorry the post came across as a bit whiney

Sorry if my tone seemed intolerant, I was going for energetic but it wasn't really a suitable response. I wouldn't write anyone off as whiney, that would be a cop-out, your feelings are valid and just represent where you are right now.

lonelygirl_1 wrote:

i suppose i am just stuck in a rut, its just i miss the company of said friend. I'd always been alone before and was quite happy in my own company or so i thought but after being that close to someone being alone just seems so empty, plus i've done a lot of growing up in the past year and realise that i was never really happy in my own company i just told myself i was to stop feeling so isolated.

It's normal to grieve for a loss, everything from the trivial toast falling on the butter side to bigger things like someone really close moving on. Also in your case for the years you spent alone that you could have been with someone.

Sadness, frustration and anger are a natural part of coming to terms with that, it's not easy to re-evaluate your past, and being stuck in a rut is not just a trivial case of habits, there are often deeper reasons why it happens.

lonelygirl_1 wrote:

believe me i am trying, but its everywhere i go, i've been for 3 walks already this evening just to try and stop myself from thinking.

I just get so disheartened when i see friends treating guys like s**t, but yet the guys keep coming back for more. I'm starting to become bitter and jealous, and i don't want that.'

Ok, you're on the ball keeping an eye on your emotional state. The thing is these feelings and thoughts will pass, you're not stuck like this for life, they're really about your past and also the present situation which is not what you want it to be, seeing other couples is just triggering your feelings about yourself.

I sense tears you will not allow to fall, but allow yourself to grieve instead of trying to stop thinking, it may feel like it will be too much to handle but it will not overwhelm you for life, it will come and go. You might prefer to deal with it in small bits or all in one go, but let the pain out so you can move on. The key thing is that after a bit when you've got it out, call a halt and start to add in the thoughts about your better future.

This friend is not the only guy out of 3.2 Billion who can be special, gozillions more out there, many just right for you, out there right now. You know what you want, start to paint that picture of your future and let that be your self image, the girl who will be living that happy life, that's you.

Finding a match is a bit like rolling dice, the great thing is you can never get barred from playing the game. Fear of rejection can be paralysing though. Is that why you were alone for so long? Were you hurt so much once that the simple absense of such pain became good enough?

No one else has lived your life, so they're in no position to judge your worth. You have an idea of how great you could be in a relationship, you got a taste of it with that friend, focus on that good within yourself, nurture that, know you are worth it, choose to believe in your great future and let the feelgood wash over you now.

So it's not a life or death issue whether some guy you think you might like responds as you hoped, he obviously wasn't the match you were after and would have been a waste of your time, so no loss, just move on, next!

Is this anywhere close or way off the mark?

LegacyUser

I have to say that I feel the exact same way as you OP. I don't see the point in working or finishing college. I just want to have someone I can love and trust, everything after that is second priority.

But for a relationship to proper you have to make friends and meet people even strangers. So when I go out with my buddies (3 out of the 5 are in relationships) I make myself a goal of getting at least one girls number who I would take out to the cinema or to dinner (if I really want to impress her).

While it may seem sleazy to some, I see it as my way of searching through all the fish in the sea and finding the one for me. So far it's going well and currently I'm seeing a girl but nothing serious yet.

While your friends say to wait and it will happen, I can tell you that's a load of b0ll0x, you have to look for it. Don't come accross straight away that you want a long term serious relationship, if it's meant to be it will happen but you won't know straight away.

Self-confidence is one of the most attractive qualities, so stand proud and be happy for who you are and it will happen if you search and work for it.

LegacyUser

'I can completely empathise with you OP. I too have been on my own for the last year and a half since the break up of a relationship and I too would give anything to be back in a loving relationship.

I do think however that , finding love should not be some sort of "quest" and take precedence over career path , friends etc. Most of the people I know who are in happy relationships met them through college work , through friends etc ie it happened while they were pursuing something else .

There is nothing wrong of course with going out actively meeting people out socially , or meeting over the net , boards seems to be pretty good for orgainising nights out they have there boards beers , one of which I think is coming up in August ,and I think someone mentioned a singles night out , also .

Remember also time is on your side as you are only in your twenties , I am over 30 so apparently I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than meeting someone at this stage !

So best of luck , I really hope you find that someone "special " in the not too distant future , i reckon he'll be worth the wait , I really do'