Asked out in work!!!

Anna23

This morning I came to work a bit early I think I got here at 6.50, I had to finish some work so I said I'll start a bit early, I went to the printer and all of a sudden I see this security guy behind me, and he started asking me if I were single, to which like a silly girl that I am I said well I am but to be honest not looking to date anyone in the company as I did it before and it went bad, he was not my type what so ever, anyway, I thought he got the msg, obviously he didnt, anyway he follows me to my desk and kept insisting I give him my number so to get rid of him I give him my number, thinking he will leave me alone and if he txts well I will ignore it, maybe he will get the msg then, I was being nice as I work here and I didnt want to be rude or anything as its a bit weird when u are turned down.

Anyway he went away and sent me a txt msg saying " sorry if I put u in a weird position by asking you out" obviously I didnt replay I legged it to the shop to get out of the building as I was the only one in the building with him, came back 20 mins later and he came upstairs and he was trying to speak to me, I was ignoring him and felt bad for him, trying to send him away I said I will think about it, big mistake, thinking he will leave me alone. he then tried to kiss me and I am like why??? where the f did that come from....God, so I tell my boss, and she gave him a call and basically said to him " dont u ever go near .....again"

I am mortified as he knows my name my car reg my address everything abotu me, what I want to know, should I make a complain, as my manager said I should, it looks like he has done this to 3 other girls.

I am so afraid that if I do go ahead he will stalk me and do something to me.

any ideas....a very scared 24 year old

It was my mistake in a way, but I did say NO and he just didnt take it

lordgoat

Live and learn. Hopefully that'll be the end of it. If it's not, then complain. Maybe no more number giving out the next time!

LegacyUser

Hope you don't work in the same place that I worked when something similar happend with a security guard about 4 months ago. He started leaving notes on my desk, found out my desk phone number and started calling me over and over no matter how many times I told him to **** off. Then he started harrasing all the guys on my team trying to get in with them. Eventually they rang up the head security guy on my behalf because they were worried. That guy talked to the security guard in question and he left me alone after that. The whole thing was really upseting, the very people who are supposed to be keeping you safe making you feel uncomfortable.

LegacyUser

While you may have made efforts to dissuade him, you gave him your number and told him you'd think about it, and then made a complaint about it as if he'd tried to attack you or something. I think he may feel he's getting mixed signals...

Be direct, be honest, even if it means you laugh and say no chance straight away.

Anna23

my boss said I should think about it and give her an answer, but to defo go ahead with a complaint!

I am afraid that if I do go ahead he will stalk me

Linoge

Well, you've already mentioned it to a manager so that in itself is a complaint. Your manager has talked with him so your complaint was dealt with.

As for making it official, you are obviously reluctant. As far as you are concerned it has been dealt with and he should not approach you again. If he does, I would not hesitate to complain (and this complaint would carry even more weight as he had been warned but continued to harass you). Don't let your boss coerce you into making it official. S/he may have their own agenda/gripe with him.

Although the guy is obviously a weirdo its still a big leap to turn into a stalker so I wouldn't let this put you off making a complaint.

Anna23

Thanks for the advice, I am afraid to come to work 2 early in the morning just in case he is there and its going to be so weird, as he has access to all this information about everyone in work and its really private, by checking my details he broke the DPA as well and its worrying what else he is capable of doing! but for an hour and a half today I was mortified and so scared, and when he bent over to kiss me it was even worse and so strange, I did not give him any ideas that I am willing to do anything, especially when u think u are secure with a security guard in the building!!! oh God I just hope not to see him ever again!

Vas_Guy

Is the security guard employed by your company or is he placed there by an outside security company, if he's the latter then you could complain to his boss and have him transferred elsewhere.

Remember basic self awareness like not being on your own in the building knowing he's there, try and leave the building with someone, etc I'm not trying to make you paranoid its just cautioness under the circumstanses.

Cheese Princess

That's a bit creepy really.
You might expect that sort of thing in a pub or club but not first thing in the morning at work!
He sounds like a bit of a weirdo - no normal person would do something so pushy and inappropriate.

I can see how you'd be reluctant to make a formal complaint though - it's like drawing more attention to it when you just want to forget about it.

I'd let it go and just avoid him like the plague.

It really bugs me when guys are pushy like that....what part of NO don't they understand!!!

AnonoBoy

My advice would be to to leave it as is for the moment. You have complained to your manager and the security guard has been talked to about it.

If he makes any other advances towards you whatsoever then I would take it a step further and make an official complaint.

If he has done this sort of thing to 3 other girls then it sounds like a pattern of behaviour that he will continue unless someone takes a serious stand against him. It's unacceptable behaviour and perhaps this is why your manager wants you to make your complaint official.

Do you work in a large company? If someone else was hassled by him would you know? If he approaches anyone else in the same manner then you should come forward and make a complaint along with them to ensure that he is dealt with properly.

celt262

Well if he has tried it on with three other girls what the hell is he still doing in the company esp at that time of the morning when there is nobody else about. The company that you are working for aren't doing much to protect its employee's with a guy like that working there.

hanni1234

He sounds like an absolute idiot. Shouldnt make you feel like that. I can just imagine one of my mates in your position and they'd react the exact same. Sorry for your mare

b3t4

You say he has done this sort of thing before? I'd say that's why your manager is trying to get you to make a formal complaint. It looks like he'll be after some other girl now that you've turned him down. For this reason, I feel that you should make an official complaint against him.

A

MagicMarker

The guy is a moron, but come on, even if you didn't mean to, you completely led him on!! Be more direct next time.

Anna23

he is employed by a different company, I dont think anyone has said anything or made an official complaint, but I WAS speaking to the union rep and he said to me he will probably be let go because I am the forth person, looks like he has done this to another girl in work and gave her a hard time about it as well, she kept saying I have a boyfriend, I work for quite a big company, telecommunications.

i am afraid that if he does get fired he will come after me, and I know he will!

I didnt mean to led him on, I was talking to him with my back and saying " I am not looking to date anyone in the company" what does that mean to you. he kept insisting and coming after me

Suzyq

In a previous job of mine the security man was very aggressive to some of the members of staff. Basically losing the rag and shouting abuse at them. The management weren't aware that it had been happening but as soon as they were, they called his employers and had him removed from the company that day. His employers were embarrassed but also happy that it had been brought to their attention as it reflected very poorly on them.

Evil Phil

Hi Anna23,

You need to register a complaint with Human Resources or at least make sure they know about the complaint you've registered with your manager. That way there is an official record of what has happened. Trying to kiss you in the office is WAY out of line and is sexual harrasment (as is most of everything else he's being doing). This guy doesn't like you in any romantic way, he's getting off on making you uncomfortable.

I am mortified as he knows my name my car reg my address everything abotu me

Did he tell you this? Seriously, go to HR and register a complaint. Get up from your desk right now and go straight to the HR office.

Anna23

well as I am not irish my name isnt the easiest to remember and he knew every letter and he said yes I know both ur names as I can see when u clock in, and I am like well ok, fair enough!

he also sent me 2 txts and I still have them, I was adv to keep them .

I am concerned about him coming after me if he is let go!

every single time u swipe ur card, all ur details are reg onto the system, ur car reg, address, just in case something happens to the car or u park in the wrong place so that they can trace u. I hate when ppl like him have access to sensitive info.

ronanp

If he'd been someone you were interested in would all this be going on? I seriously doubt it. He asked if you were single, you said yes, he asked for your number, you gave it to him, and he asked you out and you said maybe. You dug a hole for yourself and want him fired from his livelihood to get out of it. So he's done "this" to three others already - done ****ing what, asked them out? Take a look right down this board, there's a ****in thousand people suggesting "just ask him/her out, you've nothing to lose, no big deal if they say no, yadda yadda". People ask people out. And people are not obliged to say yes. But for **** sake don't keep saying maybe if you mean no.

Evil Phil

Anna23 wrote:

well as I am not irish my name isnt the easiest to remember and he knew every letter and he said yes I know both ur names as I can see when u clock in, and I am like well ok, fair enough!

he also sent me 2 txts and I still have them, I was adv to keep them .

I am concerned about him coming after me if he is let go!

every single time u swipe ur card, all ur details are reg onto the system, ur car reg, address, just in case something happens to the car or u park in the wrong place so that they can trace u. I hate when ppl like him have access to sensitive info.

People like him are cowards - get a male staff member or friend to walk you to car for a few evening and you'll be alright. Are the company you work for taking any action against him?

Anna23

I didnt say yes and didnt say no, what I said was basically the truth I am single and not looking to date anyone in the company as I have done it before and it went really bad and I said this to him hoping he understands but no he didnt he followed me and asked for my nr twice to get rid of him I gave it, as I wanted him out of my face!!! I am not looking to get him fired, I wouldnt even want that happening to anyone, but u cant go around the office asking all the female staff to go out with u!

yes I can see where u are coming from....but I thought he would get the msg when he saw I didnt answer straight away and I kept saying, we work for the same company and I dont ever want to date anyone as it went bad for me once!!! WHAT DOES THAT SAY TO YOU??? its a NO, in a very diplomatic way, as I was on my own I was afraid that he will get annoyed and do something!!!

ronanp ..... I did not ask to be asked out, I was not being overly nice, I would say HI in the morning, what does that mean to you, oh yeah ask me out wont you, cause I am so available and I want everyone to drop to my feet I am not all that, but still...

ronanp

Anna23 wrote:

I did not ask to be asked out,

I never suggested you did

I was not being overly nice,

I never suggested you were

I would say HI in the morning, what does that mean to you, oh yeah ask me out wont you, cause I am so available and I want everyone to drop to my feet I am not all that, but still...

Eh....ok. Never said any of that. A guy asked you out. Its what people do. Next time say no thanks and be a little flattered that someone asked you out, even if he's not your type.

b3t4

Look, Anna, you need to make an official complaint against this guy. Yes, he might loose his job but as you say someone like this should not have access to such personal information.

A friend of mine made a complaint against a guy in previous company for similar behaviour and he was let go. He did not come after her when he was gone so please save further girls from this harrassment and make an official complaint.

A.

Anna23

Yes you are rite I did learn my lesson, he just caught me off guard! and I was trying to be very nice and diplomatic in saying "NO". Not tryng to get anyone fired over this, just wanted to know, as I am being "pressured" into making a complaint, what scared me the most was when he tried kissing me.....I dont understand why, I did not give him any ideas that I mite be up for it!

Marksie

Anna23 wrote:

Yes you are rite I did learn my lesson, he just caught me off guard! and I was trying to be very nice and diplomatic in saying "NO". Not tryng to get anyone fired over this, just wanted to know, as I am being "pressured" into making a complaint, what scared me the most was when he tried kissing me.....I dont understand why, I did not give him any ideas that I mite be up for it!

Anna23, you are not getting him fired, he is doing that himself.
However, it may be prudent to tell your boss/ union official about your concerns about him coming after you. Espacially about how much sensitive information he has or is able to get.

edit: can you arrange for someone to travel into work with you? or ask for somene to be made available?

Reku

As part of the complaints proceedure it would be the usual to hear both sides of the story, in some cases even getting both parties in the same room, so as to iron out exactly what happened. You should be able to enquire about the complaints process without needing to start a complaint, so I would suggest that you at least do that, that way you can better decide whether or not you do want to press a complaint against him for his inappropriate (and somewhat stalkerish) behaviour.

Anna23

Yeah there is a guy one of my best friends, who I give a lift to sometimes, but other than that no one, and he is leaving at the end of this week!

I will prob address this further, he called to apologise, but my boss took the call!

Nevyn

ronanp asking someone out is not the issue it is unprofessional conduct in the work enviroment that is the issue.

Every person has the right to be in work and not feel harasshed or be made to feel uncomfortible.

Cleary the person has not got a grasp of what the proper conduct and boundaries are.

Most companys have very specific guidelines for dealing with such interactions and these extent to contractors on the premises which include security, cleaning and catering staff.

This persons repeated intrusions on Anna23 working day are not excusible nor is there inference about how much they know about her and his atempting to kiss her was unwanted and unwarrented physical sexual advance in the work place which in most places is grounds for dismissal.

Anna23 there are policies and proceedure for dealign exactly with this type of thing, check your employee handbook and think about going forward.

If you are concerned about him having your home address and harrashing you after he is let go or deployed elsewhere at least you will have a record that if needs be you can refer the garda to but for the most part creeps like this
will not step out of the work enviroment where they feel they are in charge.

BaZmO*

Did he stalk the other 3 girls? If not, what makes you think that he's going to stalk you?

I actually find it amazing that you gave him your number if you weren't into him. I'm not saying that were into him but I just find it odd. Why didn't you give him a false number or just say no? Anyway, that's neither here nor there, what's done is done. Mention it to the HR department and learn from it. In the future if you're not into someone don't give them your phone and tell them that you might go out with them.

100gSoma

Hi Anna,

You seem to be convinced this guy will "come after you" if you take the complaint further. Do you have evidence to support this? As some other poster said, he is just a weirdo/creep but there is a huge step between that and actually stalking someone.
The fact this guy has done this to 4 other people means you should really make a complaint. It was not a one off misunderstanding that he 'misread' the situation and thought you were 'encouraging' him. That's just not a plausible defence given his history.
Thaedydal is absolutely correct. This guys physical approach to try and kiss you is 100% textbook example of sexual harassment. There are also specific laws dealing with this type of situation. Personally I think you should strongly consider an official complaint. The guy has your name and address and details now anyway so if he is the type who would be dangerous, he has all he needs already. I'm not trying to scare you, but just trying to show you that saying nothing doesn't somehow make you safer from this weirdo. He should at least be transferred, but preferably a complaint of this nature would involve dismissal especially if its substantiated by claims from 4 women previously.

Linoge

Anna23 wrote:

I WAS speaking to the union rep and he said to me he will probably be let go because I am the forth person,

Thats why your manager wants you complain and thats the very reason why you shouldn't. Why did the other girls not make the the complaint official? Why not ask them to make it official now?

Think further down the line and you have to make a complaint about another person that you work with. You dont want to be labeled unfairly as "always making complaints".

Also, what would happen if the guy does (and likely will) get fired. If he takes action against the company, will you be summons to court etc. etc?

You have a result that you are satisfied with, he has stopped talking to you. It would be crazy to go an extra step for no reason. As I've said already, there are 3 other girls quite capable of making the same complaint as you.

With regards to making a complaint to save other women? They will be capable of making a complaint themselves when the time comes. You owe them nothing. Why did the 3 previous women not make a complaint? It is not up to you to do the right thing just because you are the 4th.

100gSoma

Anna23 wrote:

I didnt say yes and didnt say no, what I said was basically the truth I am single and not looking to date anyone in the company

BAZMO* is right Anna. You need to be CLEAR... This is a very important point. Don't ever think your going to offend someone by saying "I'm NOT interested". If your ever in this situation again, the mans first argument will be "you lead me on, I thought you were flirting" etc... You will be interviewed by a management/panel and asked if you clearly told him you were not interested. Not saying yes or not saying no is grey. Im not implying you lead him on, but if it ever becomes a serioous issue, this will be his defence.

Marksie

Anna23 wrote:

Yeah there is a guy one of my best friends, who I give a lift to sometimes, but other than that no one, and he is leaving at the end of this week!

I will prob address this further, he called to apologise, but my boss took the call!

The boss intercepted the call?

I think you had better find out exactlky what the situation is now OP.
He is digging himself deeper and deeper by attempting to apologise.

Fine out what your boss said, then neatly put the ball in the bosses court. YOU have worries about your safety. Is there anything that the company can do to make sure you arrive and leave safely?. Do it nicely of course, but i am sure any good company would understand and make some sort of arrangments, the unions will help there as well, you shouldn't be left in limbo and worried.

HR and the management are paid to make thise decisions and calls, they may like to think otherwise, but it is their job

meglome

MagicMarker wrote:

The guy is a moron, but come on, even if you didn't mean to, you completely led him on!! Be more direct next time.

There's a big difference in the OP not telling him to feck off and actually leading him on. She was in an embarrassing situation and just wanted him to go away. I don't think anyone would reasonably expect that he would actually try it on right there in work. Like a lot of people would she expected she could ignore him for a couple of days and that would be that.

Anna23

exactly meglome, as I work for a mobile company changing numbers isnt an issue, so thats the reason why I gave out my number thinking that if he insists all I have to do is change numbers and thats it, the reason why I gave my number was because he would not go away, while I was at my desk, he just sat there looking at me, so I thought to myself if I give him my number all I have to do is change it no big deal! that scared me, I SAID I mite as well be nice this way I wont have to upset anyone, dimplomacy will get u a long way, so I said to myself!


I was just pulled in now at 15.20 well I jsut finished now speaking to my manager about the prob but I AM NOT feeling very comfortable about making a complaint!

YES MY BOSS took the call because I was shaking this morning after all this, and my other boss (a man) sat down with me and exp what I could do and maybe do!

Andy-Pandy

Hey Anna,

Its always important to make a complaint in situations like these, thats why company's put the processes in place to deal with them. Ask yourself how much you trust you manager and respect them in there position. If your manager is saying to lodge an official complaint then do it. Also, if he is making you feel scared/nervous contact H/R and let them know. They will, if there any good at there job, put in place a process to make sure you feel safe. If this guy has been doing this before, he will probably do it again with another female member of staff.

Anna23

oh I know what you mean, but I dont want anyone loosing their job over this, I thought it was funny in the beginning up until he tried kissing me, thats when I realized oh theres something wrong here, I need to get out of this situation, and to be honest with you I thought I reacted excellent considering the fact that I was so scared of him in case he becomes violent!

Andy-Pandy

Why are ya scared he will lose his job? He is making you scared and uncomfortable, he tried to kiss you, none of which should be happening in the workplace. He is the one that has got himself into this position, not you. Make the complaint, its up to hr to decide if its a sackable offence. I am sure the reason your manager wants you to complain is so they can move forward with it. You mentioned you were talking to a union, i take it that the security guard is also in a union, so any action the company has to take will have to be done correctly. You mentioen he had done it before, if none of the girls made a complaint then, it would be very difficult for them to take any action against him. Make the complin, the guy sounds like a creep, and not someone you, or any other person should deal with

ronanp

Must admit, I didn't originally see the tried to kiss you part, and it does change the context a fair bit.

Evil Phil

ronanp wrote:

Must admit, I didn't originally see the tried to kiss you part, and it does change the context a fair bit.

Even still he shouldn't be behaving like this. I do thinks it mind boggeling that he's been allowed away with this 3 times now - but maybe nobody complained..

Anna23

now I am getting involved with the Fraud depatment and security ah I am not looking for this cr ap, all I want to do is forget about this and never see him again and if I do, well walk and not look back!

I know that if I say anything he will get me back for this, its human nature to want revenge!

spinandscribble

i think your being a bit melodramatic.

he didnt stalk the other girls why would you be any different?

ntlbell

wasn't it a different guy in work was watching you all the time or something recently?

maybe it's time to move on wholeplace sounds bizzaarree

Anna23

I am ok now, just a bit scared yday, he left by the look of things, he did not show up in work, so hope all works out well.Yeah ntlbell that was a guy that I fancy in work and I presume he fancies me as well, God knows, what goes on in a mans brain at times! I dont mean to offend anyone by that!