Should i start a relationship before i emigrate?

LegacyUser

Ok heres some background. I was in a relationship for 3 years that finished this time last year. During that time i got to know a girl lets call her aimee. She was a friend of a friend. Anyway we got to know each other pretty well as we both graduated the same time and we ended up working for the same company though in different departments. We would go on lunch together 2-3 times a week and along with others maybe go for a drink after work. My gf knew her and i never kept anything from her so it was cool with her. Me and the GF broke up and i started to see a good bit of aimee and was starting to really like her. Then she met a guy about 8 months or so ago.

We still did our usual lunch thing but maybe only once a week as i think her new guy was threatened.

Anyway 2 months ago my firm offered me the chance to relocate to NY and i've been there 6 or 7 times on business and holidays so i jumped at the chance. I get a decent apartment and a bit of a raise to cover the extra cost of living. As i didnt really have anyone special here i decided to go.

So now aimee has broken up with her bf cos she says that i was me she liked but she thought i just liked her as a friend and has found out that i like her as more.

So now i am in a pickle we have been txtin a bit, i leave in october i like her but i will not pass up this job.

I get a flight home every quarter so basically every 3 months i can come home for a week and then i have another week where i would pay.

And she could come over aswell.

But is it worth starting something when we'll be a couple of thousand miles apart with maybe a 3 weeks seeing each other in a year. I've never done the long distance thing and am wondering if its worth the hassle especially as we havent even kissed!
any advice?

LegacyUser

pizzled563 wrote:

But is it worth starting something when we'll be a couple of thousand miles apart with maybe a 3 weeks seeing each other in a year. I've never done the long distance thing and am wondering if its worth the hassle especially as we havent even kissed!
any advice?

not a hope is it worth it in my opinion. as you said, you haven't even kissed her. just go to new york and enjoy yourself, its an awesome city. after a while you'll forget about her/find someone else. it wouldn't be fair to start a relationship knowing that you could only see each oother for 3 weeks a year.

i could maybe understand a long distance relationship like this if you had been seeing her for months/years and you were madly in love, but in this instance i think just let it go...

Red Hand

Does she know you are going? Did she know that when she broke up with her b/f?

Long distance means that you will both miss out on doing things with each other-ye will merely be commenting on each other's lives on the net/telephone except for those 3 or 4 weeks in the year when you are togther. There is nobody there if you are tired/stressed, and all you want is a hug. Can you handle that?

Plus, you have your mind made up as regards going. I can't say it looks good.

It can work, but only if there is a huge commitment, and ye both really feel that the other is really for them.

Crumble Froo

as i mentioned on the online dating thread today... i'm in a relationship with someone i met online. we've known each other for two years now, and spent... 12 days together so far.

but we email/PM daily, talk on MSN every morning and every night (depending on work/schedules), i used to work residentially, so i'd be away from my PC for 2-3 days at a time, and i'd write him letters and postcards that id send via snailmail, and i have to admit it... much as it sucks, and much as i can get upset now and then cos i do just miss him so much... it's been the most amazing 2years of my life, and (visa depending) im moving over there to live with him at the end of the year. we've had some rough times and stuff both in our lives around us and in our relationship...

but we've stuck it through, and after all that , we are about to really truly make it. so dont listen to anyone who tells you it cant work, it wont work, its not worth it... if you have something with this girl, and if you both want something, then you can get it. you might end up coming back home, she might end up joining you there, anything could happen, take it step by step and day by day, and hell, above all else, just follow your heart

pbsuxok1znja4r

Don't do it. Not worth it in the slightest. Go to NY, don't let anything stop you and don't bring any such baggage with you.

Pyjamarama

If you were going to start a relationship to make it work realistically you couldn't go to NY. As this is not an option for you I wouldn't start a relationship as it would just hurt both of you. this kind of thing seems to happen to a lot of people before they move away (myself included!) and you just have to think what your priorities are. Good luck!

silhouette

I think you should give it a go with Aimee. I think you might well regret it if you don't. You're not going to New York until October so at least you can have three and a half fabulous months together...or three and a half months to find out that its not going to work out between you. If it IS going to work there's always the option that she might move over there too after a while. Or you might decide NY isn't for you and come back. If its worth it the pair of you will find a way, if not at least you won't be wasting your time over there wondering.

You have romantic notions about her but that doesn't mean that if you get into a relationship with her now its going to be for EVerrrr. Could it be on a "we'll see how it goes" basis?...being very clear that you ARE going to NY in October. She has TOLD you she likes you which is a very big thing and if you don't give it a go now you may not get the chance again. What would be worse - not giving it a chance and regretting it, or giving it a chance and if it works thats great but if it doesn't you'll know you both tried?

singingstranger

I'm about to return to Ireland after a year of living abroad and fell in love with my g/f about three weeks before I left.

It's hell, but if you're meant to last it'll make you much, much stronger.

Crumble Froo

the things you always regret in life are almost always the things you didnt do, not the things you tried and that went wrong.

just bear that in mind. or bare that in mind?i think it's bear...

biko

It's "bear"

I think that long distance is extremely hard, never did work out for me anyway. Maybe if you have been dating for months before leaving but this scenario, no.

Don't worry OP. NYC is full of new interesting people.

Crumble Froo

biko wrote:

It's "bear"

I think that long distance is extremely hard, never did work out for me anyway. Maybe if you have been dating for months before leaving but this scenario, no.

Don't worry OP. NYC is full of new interesting people.

thanks

and i think its extremely hard too, but fortunately (so far) it's worked out for me anyway.

(and sorry, i only booked my one way ticket to move over there yesterday, so it's just about all im capable of thinkin about at the mo:rolleyes: )

j_lennon

I am in a similar situation.

My background
I am going away for 9months in September with my new job. I was just out of a serious 2yr relationship in March and decided not to get into another relationship because of the traveling. But then I went away after my exams at the end of May and met this girl who is from the UK. With my travels in mind and with the distance already between us, we decided to give it a go. She’s been over here twice and I am going over to her for the first time next week. We talk/text everyday and everything is going amazing.

We both would rather try and make it happen, than not trying and regretting it. If things continue going amazing then she is willing to come over and live with me. I think this is why we both want to try.

My opinion
It is hard work and you need to put a lot of effort in. If things got really serious, would aimee or you ever consider moving to be with each other? That might involve a job change or transfer for somebody but would really need to be done if you want it to develop.

If the answer is yes, then I would give the next few months a go and see how things work out. Maybe you both might find that you are better as friends. But at least you tried. If it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be. Best of luck!!!

LegacyUser

'

j_lennon wrote:

I am in a similar situation.

My background
I am going away for 9months in September with my new job. I was just out of a serious 2yr relationship in March and decided not to get into another relationship because of the traveling. But then I went away after my exams at the end of May and met this girl who is from the UK. With my travels in mind and with the distance already between us, we decided to give it a go. She’s been over here twice and I am going over to her for the first time next week. We talk/text everyday and everything is going amazing.

We both would rather try and make it happen, than not trying and regretting it. If things continue going amazing then she is willing to come over and live with me. I think this is why we both want to try.

My opinion
It is hard work and you need to put a lot of effort in. If things got really serious, would aimee or you ever consider moving to be with each other? That might involve a job change or transfer for somebody but would really need to be done if you want it to develop.

If the answer is yes, then I would give the next few months a go and see how things work out. Maybe you both might find that you are better as friends. But at least you tried. If it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be. Best of luck!!!

Thanks for the advice. We work for the same company but here work would be catagorised as general where i am pretty specialised. The reason i was asked to transfer to NY is that they are having trouble finding a candidate suitable. There isnt a business reason for her to go there and the NY office sponsored my visa app. So if she came over she would have to pack in a well paying job her to do bar work and be illegal over there. I want to go to NY and give it a try and not really have to look after someone'

LegacyUser

'ive just had a long distance relationship break up 3 days ago. im still really hurting so my post might be a bit biased.

its HARD. really really damn hard. you both have to want it so much & be committed to it. communication is so important because all you have is voice/text to go on how the person is doing/feeling (ok you might have webcam but its not the same).

theres also the problem of not being able to have the same level of physical closeness as emotional closeness. i dont mean sex, i mean simple things like cuddling while you chat, hugging, or even a goodnight kiss. You can talk all night but when you cant touch the person it can leave you feeling a bit empty.

i dont really have any proper advice, i just wanted to try explain how hard it can be. then theres also the problem of breaking up long distance. breaking up over the phone is even less fun than a normal break up.

like i said, im probably biased right now, but at the moment i wouldnt recommend a LDR to anyone'