advice about a relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, first time poster but looking for some advice. I'm a 27 year old male and I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 6 months now. She's a few years younger than me but we share many of the same friends. My girlfriend has many other friends and she is in regular contact with most of them by text. Recently she's gotten to know a guy whom her sister met while travelling. My girflriends sister passed on her number to this guy and they've been texting fairly frequently. Initially my girlfriend told me about this, saying it was just friendly banter etc. Since then his name has never been mentioned. This didn't really bother me as i understand she's got many friends and its who she is. However, following a night out, I saw this guy for the first time and I'm pretty sure that he was interested. Following on from this night my girlfriend was invited to a bar b que in this guys home town. I asked her who was orgainising it and she was a bit vague. I didn't push the issue as I didn't want to seem possessive or overbearing. She went alone and stayed overnight. All I heard about it was that it was 'great craic' but there were absolutely no names mentioned. To be honest I became suspicious and one night I did something I'm not proud of. I checked her phone. I've done this 3 or 4 times since. Needless to say there were numerous texts in there from this guy. On a night where she told me she was checking her sisters house (who was away) I'm fairly sure, from the texts that I'd seen, that they had met up. Last weekend while we were driving (late in the evening) she got a call from him. She tried to tell me that the phone was flashing because of low battery and put it in her bag. The problem was I could still see it ringing in the bag and told her. She refused to answer it saying it was just one of the lads. Last night while we were out she texted this guy a few times - even as late as 5am when we were coming back in the taxi. In one of the texts the guy has suggested they go to the cinema tomorrow night. Subsequently, my girlfriend has told me she's heading up to the city. I asked her what she was doing and agian she was quite vague. Reading over this I don't want it to sound like I'm a control freak. I recognise my girlfriend has her own life and she is independent. I don't want to change that. I don't understand why she won't tell me about this guy and I'm assuming (stupidely perhaps?) that its because she's deciding whether she has feelings for him or not. I feel very upset about what I've done but also about how I feel the situation is developing. I would appreciate your opinions on this, Thanks.

G86

You need to nip this in the bud asap. I've been in your girlfriends situation and if Im right then shes excited by the idea of this guy, and thats probably because shes not completely happy in your relationship at the mo. Not telling you shes in touch with him shows that she feels guilty about it, its emotional cheating.

Are you having any problems except this? thats what you need to figure out.

Yes, you shouldnt have read her texts, but its done now. I really do feel for you and I hope your not sitting up alone thinking about this because night-time is the worst time to mull things over in your mind.

easyontheeye

tbm2 wrote:

Recently she's gotten to know a guy whom her sister met while travelling. My girflriends sister passed on her number to this guy and they've been texting fairly frequently. Initially my girlfriend told me about this, saying it was just friendly banter etc.

sounds strange how she suddenly becomes so freindly so quickly, how come she went to the bbq alone? why didnt the sis go? ah that would be wrecking my head to

oh and by the way, the fact that she lied about her phone ringing??? if that doenst stink of dodgyness .... does she text her guy friends that shes known years the same way?

in my experience when you resort to lying even when its clear your caught out but you still stick to your guns i.e. your lie, you HAVE been doing something you shouldnt have been

funkrooney

I know a lot of people will disagree with me but it is highly highly unlikely that there is nothing going with them. I am a fella and have been in this other dudes situation, barbeque, stayed over, plenty of drinking,

Talk to her, tell her that you are worried about it, that you feel something is up, but take it from me it is highly unlikely that you will rescue this.

I have been in this situation as the other guy, and we are always in the better position, we excite them, its new, its got that spark, that electric chemistry that you guys had that at the start. Push the situation, ask her, talk it out and see what you can figure out, but your gut is telling you what to do already its just whether your gonna do it!!!!

Oriel

There's clearly something going on - from lying about her phone being low on battery, to then further lying about it being "one of the lads". If it was me, I'd be pretty sure she was cheating on me.
When she said she was going into town, I'd have offered to come along as I didn't have anything else to do.

kryogen

you seem like a pretty easy going guy to be honest,maybe your girlfriend is excited by the idea of a bit of danger? a new spark? is it a usual thing for her to go out of town and stay over without telling you who she will be with? its very dependant on your relationship history,but since your only together 6 months and she seems to be wandering already i think i'd probably be prepared to let her go. i can almost guarantee you from reading your post that everything is not above board with this other guy, something serious may not have happened but he is almost definatly working on it, i have also been in the situation of this other guy, its a pretty easy role to play. you pick up on little things that are troubling the woman and amplify them and use them to your own advantage. i am not saying i am proud of what i have done, and i dont intend doing it again,i just know what this guy is probably doing. how do you feel about this girl really? do you see a future with her or is it just a bit of fun? you have got to tell her about your concerns.

you will see from her reactions,body language etc. what exactly is going on. i hope everything turns out to be ok but if i was you id prepare for the worst mate. good luck and sorry for the long post!

LegacyUser

I think you were right snooping at her texts, you sound like the type of guy that wouldnt do it unless you were suspicious of something.
If it were me, I would not talk to her immediatly and do more snooping instead, find out if she has been cheating. If you talk to her now she will deny it and there will be nothing more you can do, she will be more carefull from then on.
You cannot trust or believe her until you have more information, act as if you know nothing and keep a close eye on her. If you find out after a while that it was harmless then feel guilty about the snooping. Best of luck whatever happens!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for posting folks. At the moment I'm mulling over the responses and I realise from them that I've got to do something. I will talk to her but I'm wondering how to approach the fact that I've read her text messages. I have a feeling that it will become the issue - the fact that I read them and not that she might be hiding something. Anybody any ideas? Thanks.

Cheese Princess

It's a tough one.
I think you were totally right to read the texts. I would have done the same. Not sure how to confront her without mentioning it though.

Maybe when she's out and you suspect she's with him you could ring her and say you're nearby and suggest meeting to go home together or something like that??