Your favourite nicknames

RefulgentGnomon

The Nickname Has Gone to Hell

It might be a long time before we get another Daisuke Matsuzaka. The superstar pitcher from Japan has been as good as advertised in his first season with the Boston Red Sox, but I’m not talking about his talent. I’m talking about his sparkling resume for a truly classic nickname. Nicknames are a grand American tradition—in sports, in pop culture, in politics, in life—and when Matsuzaka arrived here, he gave us a golden opportunity to christen him anew. So far this season, Matsuzaka has struck out 110 hitters in 106 innings. He throws at least six different pitches, including one, the gyroball, that might just be an intimidating myth. He never, ever gets tired. He famously threw 254 pitches—two hundred and fifty-four!!—in a single, 17-inning game during high school, then tossed a no-hitter in his next start. And unlike most pro athletes, he clearly adores playing the game. On the mound and in the dugout, he has an endearing habit of smiling like a goofy 6-year-old with an ice cream cone. The guy is so colorful, so unique, that it’d be a sin if we whiffed on the chance to give him a great nickname.
Unfortunately, we did. Matsuzaka’s agreed-upon nickname, for now and forever, is Dice-K, which is terrible because it’s not really a nickname at all. It’s his first name. That’s how you pronounce Daisuke—Dice-K. Way to go, America. One of the most exciting new figures in sports comes along, and instead of honoring his originality with an original honorific, we basically decide to call him “Dave.” Before the season began, before Dice-K was stuck on Daisuke with rubber cement, someone in the sports world tried to start a movement to give Matsuzaka the nickname Bazooka. (I believe it was ESPN columnist Bill Simmons, but I can’t track down the piece.) I loved it. It was just right for such an overpowering pitcher, and it even resonated with the last part of his surname: Bazooka, Matsuzaka. So naturally, America voted for Dice-K.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. Over the years, our culture’s gift for nicknaming has slowly vanished along with so many of our other celebrated American skills, like nation-building and math. The same country that came up with the Splendid Splinter, the Say Hey Kid and Mr. October now settles for A-Rod, T-Mac and AI. (Don’t even get me started on the San Diego Chargers’ franchise running back LaDanian Tomlinson, whose nom de plume, LT, is not only lame but recycled, too. Excuse me, LaDanian, but Lawrence Taylor called and he wants his nickname back.) What passes for creativity these days is taking the word “big” and sticking some physiologically or descriptively appropriate term after it. Which is why the sports landscape has a Big Hurt, a Big Papi, a Big Unit—which has never been confirmed, by the way—and even a Big Fundamental. That last one is Tim Duncan’s nickname. Or if you prefer, you can call him by his other nickname: Timmy.

Baseball, which used to have a phone book’s worth of spectacular nicknames, is now the worst offender in sports. Pedro Martinez is Petey. Derek Jeter is Jeet. God forbid your last name is Rodriguez, because then we’ll just take a letter from your first name, stick “Rod” at the end, and be done with it. Hence A-Rod, K-Rod and I-Rod, which is what some folks insist on calling Detroit Tigers catcher Ivan Rodriguez even though he already has a perfectly great nickname—Pudge. Is this really the best we can do? A couple of initials? A syllable? An infantilizing “y” at the end?
By my reckoning, baseball has only given us one great new nickname in the past five years. Big, burly Cleveland Indians slugger Travis Hafner is known to all as Pronk, which is perfect, because it evokes a big, burly slugger and it sounds, in a Stan Lee/Marvel Comics kind of way, like the noise that’s produced when Hafner crushes a home run. Plus it’s fun to say “Pronk.” But the fact is, Pronk is the sole highlight of a long, fallow period in a sport that gave us one of the great nicknames of all time, the Negro League’s storied outfielder James (Cool Papa) Bell. I’d even waive the “no-recycling” rule for a nickname that delicious. Why not Cool Papa Matsuzaka? Come on! It even rhymes!
Sadly, our nomenclature nosedive has spread into the pop cultural sphere, where J. Lo competes for headlines with TomKat and Brangelina. (Brangelina? Who thinks of this crap? It sounds like a protein shake.) I don’t want to encourage the obnoxious ways of Lindsay Lohan’s many ex-paramours, but I’ve got to give some light applause to the guy who dubbed her Fire Crotch. At least that jerk is making an effort.
I blame our president. Our commander in chief is also famously our nicknamer in chief, but what he should be famous for is giving lousy nicknames. You might think that President Bush was born to hand them out, considering his own nickname, Dubya, contains within it his favorite thing to do. (“Hey, Michael Brown, I dub ya Brownie. That’s your nickname now. Heh-heh.”) But before he got into politics, Bush owned a baseball team—the Texas Rangers—and that’s probably where he picked up the habit, and where he learned to be so bad at it. “Brownie” is probably Bush’s most famous pet name, and easily his blandest. But a close second would have to be the nickname he gave to my old pal Trent Gegax, who was NEWSWEEK’S man on the Bush campaign bus during the 2000 election. Bush’s nickname for Trent? NEWSWEEK Man.

With all the trouble that this administration has had in the international community, it’s probably instructive to remember that President Bush’s nickname for the Russian premier, Vladimir Putin, has long been Pooty-Poot. This has always struck me as a profoundly stupid thing to call a man who once ran the KGB. Granted, geopolitics are complicated, but is it any wonder that Russia has resumed flexing its muscles and giving its citizens flashbacks to the cold war? I can just imagine Putin watching CNN in some back room at the Kremlin, stewing after Bush calls him Pooty-Poot one more time. “That’s it,” he thunders. “I’ve had it! No more human rights!”

I’ll give President Bush credit for coming up with one decent nickname: he quite cleverly dubbed Karl Rove, his trusted adviser and top hatchetman, Turd Blossom. (Here’s how we know Bush came up with it himself: no one other than the president of the United States, probably not even Dick Cheney, would have the guts to call Karl Rove “Turd Blossom” to his face.) What this means is, there’s still hope for the rest of us. Our long national nicknaming nightmare can be over soon. Maybe we need to form a special committee to ratify good nicknames and veto the bad ones? Maybe we just need to try harder? Don’t ask me. All I know is, Bazooka is pitching Sunday afternoon for the Sox.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19620053/site/newsweek/?GT1=10150



What are your favourite nicknames (sporting or otherwise)?
I always thought Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's ('The Baby-Faced Assassin') was good although I think it was used before him.
Also, Mateja Kezman being called 'Batman' when playing with Robben at PSV.

Snooker nicknames
Rocket, Hurricane, Whirlwind are pretty well-known but are too similar for my liking.
I assume Alain Robidoux's nickname - 'Scoobie' - comes from his surname's likeness to Scooby-doo's utterings. If so, 'tis very good!

There's some good boxing ones too - 'The Count of Monte Fisto' springs to mind (Apollo Creed).

Where does 'Gooch' Cooper come from anyway? (And don't answer Kerry!)

Orange69

Do you really expect anyone to read all that?

mathie

Orange69 wrote:

Do you really expect anyone to read all that?

We'll nickname you 'Crusher of Spirits'

Tar.Aldarion

Summed up wrote:

What are your favourite nicknames (sporting or otherwise)?

.

shane86

Guy I went to school with was known as Dustin for years, as his nose resembled Dustins beak.

Following season 4 of Bo Selecta he became known as Cocknose:D

RefulgentGnomon

mathie, you can be 'The Great Defender'

Spud83

Did these get deleted?? If so why, they are nicknames aren't they!!!!

KID GORGEOUS - Moe's first boxing nickname.

KID GRUESOME - Moe's third boxing nickname.

KID MOE - Moe's final boxing nickname.

KID PRESENTABLE - Moe's second boxing nickname.

Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson

mathie

RefulgentGnomon wrote:

mathie, you can be 'The Great Defender'

It's noble and dignified but mostly gay.

Jesus Wept

In school we had a friend called Joey Macken, his nick name was 'Fudge Packin' Macken', one summer, he got a summer-job with Midland Waste, and
his nickname became 'Bin Packin' Macken'



My sister is friends with a family whose last name is Lyden, they were nicknamed the 'Bin Lydens' for a while (circa 2001 )

Fitz Hall, who plays for Wigan Athletic in England is known as "One size" Fitz Hall.

There was a bloke in our school called David Turvey, but was always known as Topsy.

Another lad we hung around with was called Tintin cos he got locked after 2 cans.

MooseJam

Duncan Disorderly - Duncan Ferguson, bit of a wild man

uncle ernie

the landlord of one of our local bars is called Harry the Bastard...cos he is.

Also Starring LeVar Burton

One of my managers in a previous job in a bar, was known as Scooby, because he looked like Scooby Doo and had a cartoon-like laugh.
I don't think anyone actually knew his real name. He was introduced to me as Scooby and all the rest of the staff and the customers knew him as Scooby.
Anytime anybody came into the pub looking for him while he was on his lunch-break we'd always say, "He's gone for some Scooby Snacks".
It sounds lame, but it was funny if you knew him.

intheknow

Guy in school with bad skin/acne was called mellow yellow ! The pus was there for all to see

sickpuppy

Knew atraveller once his nick was PADDY THE HEN he was caught shagging achicken.

JDMC

there was a women called mary feather ass were i lived when i was younger the was a short song to but i wont go in to that lol

McSandwich

JDMC wrote:

there was a women called mary feather ass were i lived when i was younger the was a short song to but i wont go in to that lol

Please tell us more!

Ruu_Old

There was some chap that my Dad used to live beside, he would refer to him as "The Cow****e Monaghan".

boy_wonder

One of my mates nicknamed "Banklink" as when we're out its all he seems to be doing " Have to find a banklink lads". We all have one of those friends.

Another mate nicknamed $hit in Santa Ponsa. Name stuck for a while and comes out the odd occasion. I'm sure you can figure it out:D

The Master

A mate of mine called Patrick is fantastic with
the ladies and gained the nickname
"Pad The Impailer"

Capt'n Midnight

Well there was a boxer who used to be called Canvas George.
Wasn't a good boxer.

bolliwoodi

mathie wrote:

We'll nickname you 'Crusher of Spirits'

lol:D