relationship problems and mental instability!

maxjam

Hi all,

Ive got some serious relationship problems at the minute.

Were together 5 yrs, unmarried, no kids, 1 house.

I love her, she loves me, I have some problems that have led me here.

In a relationship you must communicate and discuss what you like/dislike about the other partners behaviour, its a give and take thing, but no matter how much she has explained to me what annoys her, i continue with the behaviour.

I think I may have some form of ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder).

For example, I bite my nails constantly, she hates it, she tells me, I try for YEARS to give it up but cant!

I act awkwardly around other people, even my own friends,I feel like I have to impress them with my wit (or lack thereof) to be accepted. For example, we could be out with mates and this comes across in the form of over exaggerating a story to the point that you are thinking, "just get on with it!" and ruining a joke with an overly excited punchline delivery.

I act awkwardly around her too, not to the same degree but when you are together a lot, this obviously becomes annoying.

Another manifestation is my complete (this is a self confession now!) lack of ability to defend myself or to stick up for myself or her.
Couple of examples:
neighbours next door are noisy people and their sound system (terraced houses) booms into our sitting room most evenings, I complained a couple of times, but each time, I am sh!tting my pants when Ive to go in and talk with them.

A few weeks ago we were out in the nite club, I met two mates from soccer team, one of them was drunk and pushed her around a bit and I didnt really do or say anything to him, I should have, thing is I came away feeling overly angry with myself, I had a burning adrenaline rush in my stomach, I wanted to go back and beat the crap out of him, but when it happened, at that exact moment, when I needed the adrenaline rush and the need to protect her, it wasnt there, it was like i was a spectator and everything was in slow motion, I kept thinking of what other people would think if I said or did anything instead of what she would think if i did nothing.

All my life at times of confrontation or disagreement, this has happened.
If I manage to say something to someone along the lines of my not being happy with their carry on, i immediately get embarassed and feel my face go red.


It really annoys both of us and she feels like she has lost faith in my ability to be the man and sort this kind of thing out.

The other thing is, we never really have a laugh, not in the last while anyway, I cannot make her laugh, she no longer understands my humour, its part of the above, I act and do silly things when in company or even with her, I say even sillier things when in company which when I think back to them actually make me cringe later on. Its like I am completely uncomfortable with myself ALL of the time. She was out with a bunch of mates last week and was telling me how funny these guys and girls were and that it was the first time in ages that she'd really really pi$$ed herself laughing. I want to do that for her but I dont know how and you and I both know that the harder you try to think of ways to be funny, the harder it is to be naturally witty.

She says that she doesnt want to break up with me, I suggested a break to see if it helps, but she got very upset at the notion that we would not be together and insists that she loves me but wants me to act more normal and more manly. I really really want to too. Im going to see a counsellor next week and that was a big step, actually phoning someone up to get help, I hope its the right thing to do.

The main problems in my life, materialistic ones that is, would be:
Mortgage: (like most other people) i cannot seem to survive on whats left after I pay my portion.
Bills: bord gais, esb, skytv, car loan, credit card ( < €1000 so could be worse)
Pension: I'm 30 now and have no pension plan, im crapping myself about it but cannot save anymoney so couldnt begin to pay into one.
Work: Im in IT, programming and while my jobs ok and pays alright, I guess I could earn more elsewhere but its the best place Ive worked so far (as regards colleagues) and im afraid to move, and as above, dont have the balls to ask for a pay rise (as ive heard the other guys who've asked have been flatly denied one)

Has anyone here been through this, Im in rut and need direction and advice.

regards, etc.
Max

Drift

The counselling is a very good idea and the fact that you were pro-active and took the step to book it yourself is the first step in changing your behaviour to what you would like it to be.

If you gf loves you and wants to help you would she come along to the counselling with you? I think that might help.

maxjam

Not sure that its a good idea, she supports me doing it though. I think I will go myself first, it may be that I have to take this first step alone, seeing how one of my biggest problems is confidence.

I dont understand myself, I have taken part in high stress/pressure military exercises as an infantry soldier and when the situation required, I have found in myself an unending source of confidence, direction, decision making and when needed, quite a feral streak (required to risk your own life) that allows me to command/direct others and to take the initiative, that still remains absolutely 100% unavailable in normal day to day life. If I can get a pathway to that part of my psyche I think it would go a long way to allowing me to mature as a better person and partner.

cedar

sounds like time to get married to me

boffin

I think you are right OP in doing this first step on your own.

I would hazard a guess that the reason that you can apply confidence and decision making in one context and not in another is that in a miliary context you are confident because in the past you have made the right decisions and you now have the reassurance and confidence that you can make the right decisions if needed. However in personal situations your confidence has been knocked - maybe through being criticised in the past about behaviour - and now you have lost the confidence that you are making the right decision or are behaving in a way the right way. Hence you now question yourself which is a vicious circle resulting in your inability to make a decision or to confidently interact in social situations. Now I could also be talking crap but it just struck me that maybe that could be the reason for the two sides in your personality.

However a counsellor will be able to work through these issues with you and then if needed your gf can take part later in the sessions. Well done for taking the first step.

Marksie

maxjam wrote:

In a relationship you must communicate and discuss what you like/dislike about the other partners behaviour, its a give and take thing, but no matter how much she has explained to me what annoys her, i continue with the behaviour.

Have you said this to her, have you said, right i am aware of this and am going to do something about it?

Yes you are right, communication, and if you haven't said that A) you seem unable to stop this behaviour pattern. you have a problem standing up for yourself.
C) you are aware of it and D) You plan to do something about it.

Do so now.
I am sure she will be supportive as long as she is informed

Don't self diagnose. Leave that to the professionals. Start with whatever you feel comnfortable with, counselling, lifecoaching, Cognitive behavioural therapy, assretivness training any or all.

Take it from there

McGinty

I really really want to too. Im going to see a counsellor next week and that was a big step, actually phoning someone up to get help, I hope its the right thing to do.

Hi MaxJam, just to let you know I have been there too, afraid to upset people, frustrated with myself because I didn't stand up for myself, knew I was being treated as a doormat, etc etc. Confident and self reliant in some areas and woeful in other areas. When I read your post I really felt for you because I've been there, and I am glad to say that on the whole I speak in the past tense because slowly but surely I;ve been standing up for myself.

1st of all it is fantastic you are seeking help and going to a counseller, before I go on I am a woman, but I attend a weekly group analysis session, it is not everyone's cup of tea and I am not promoting it, however I mention it because two men attend it who also feel fearful and afraid to stand up for themselves. It does not make them lesser men, and if anyone says otherwise they are wrong, it is just they have become fearful to change things for various reasons.

It sounds to me that you desire to please friends, your partner etc at any price, you desire to be liked at all costs, even when people nark you off or take advantage. The fact that you are becoming aware of this is a wonderful start, discuss this with your counsellor, eventually you may take a small step and say to someone I don't like, or please don't do that or whatever, but take it in very small steps (I started doing this) secondly start looking at all the good and positive things in your life that you have achieved, be it your military work or personal life. Thirdly be aware that when you are being used and abused by others you grow to resent them and by resenting those people you can no longer be comfortable with them or genuinely like them. As strange as this sounds by being honest with others opens things up, in that you say I want this or don't do that, and they respect you for it, more importantly you begin to respect yourself and when that occurs something magical happens, you begin liking yourself and then you don't give a damn about pleasing others, and then people are drawn to the real you and the deadwood (those that use and abuse) don't want to know, so you win every way. You may be a quick learner, or you may be like me, a stubborn so and so, if you are stubborn be patient and allow a slow healing and gradual changing, I wish you the best of luck with it, and if you can be kind to yourself and be easy to yourself (but at the same time don't make excuses eg: you don't have addh, its low self esteem and passive behaviour) you will make your healing that bit easier and faster. Most of be honest with yourself and others.