Advice on Co-Habiting

xxdilemmaxx

Hi all, just wondering if anyone who has moved in with their partner can give me some advice on how to make it all go smoothly.
Moved in with my b/f 4 months ago and it has been quite stressful (fun as well though).

I'm just finding it hard that I see him every day, I also feel like our lives are starting to mesh together and neither of us are making the effort to do things on our own anymore eg we ask mutual friends over or both go out together to the same places. My bed in my parents house is now gone so can't even go home for the odd night...

Also I think he may be feeling trapped, I asked him to clean something up yesterday as I had spent about 2 hrs cleaning already and cooked dinner and he came back with 'you're not my mother, you don't own me'. Aggggh

I guess he's feeling a bit of pressure as he feels like he has to answer to me, like when he lived at home he could go out and not come home all night and he wouldn't have someone worrying about him or wondering where he is.

This is a bit of a rambling thread but would just like to hear other peoples experiences/advice as I'm starting to feel well stressed out with the bickering.

Kali

I think the three main things are:

You should both maintain healthy interests besides each other... that way things stay fresh or at least plan to do a few things each week which get you out of the house.

Talk to each other about any little niggly things before they become big irritants... sniping and cynical remarks can become commonplace very quickly otherwise.

And on a very related note be quite patient and get to know each others quirks... if you're meant for each other patience comes quite quickly... if not you'll find out very soon that it's just not going to work out (in which case get out quickly and don't let it drag you down).

jubi lee

heya, i'm living with my bf about 6 months and it couldn't be better. it's far from stressful, we both love it!

best thing you can do is and the poster above said, talk about niggly things before they become a big issue...

as for the cleaning DO NOT undertake it all by yourself. when he lived on his own he had to do it so no point in you taking over the mother role and doing it for him cos when he does eventually have to do it he'll probbably be pissed off cos he's used to you doing it...

take turns cooking - again no reason why he shouldn't do it regularly. i'm assuming you both work, so take turns!

make sure ya both get to see friends individually and have a few times during the week where you both go do your own thing.

most importantly, have fun!. understand that you may get on each others nerves sometimes, it's only to be expected.

markpb

xxdilemmaxx wrote:

Also I think he may be feeling trapped, I asked him to clean something up yesterday as I had spent about 2 hrs cleaning already and cooked dinner and he came back with 'you're not my mother, you don't own me'. Aggggh

I've been living with my gf for three years now and love it but it takes a lot of give and take to make it work. Patience is key.

Of all the little issues that crop up, cleaning seems to be the one that gets a lot of couples into trouble. If he's not pulling his weight around the house you definitely need to talk about it but at the same time you have to accept that he might not want to clean _right now_. You might have a habit of cleaning as you go but he might not. If he doesn't clean up immediately, give him a chance to because (like the other posters have been saying) he's looked after himself before. If you ask him to clean up, it'll probably annoy him into not cleaning up.

xxdilemmaxx

Markpb - that's exactly what happened - he was p*ssed off that I said it to him without waiting to see if he'd clean it up anyway, but I know from exp if I didn't say anything to him I would be going home from work today and it'd still be there. So it's a choice of either look at it for two days or do it myself which is annoying.

Also he keeps saying 'stop acting like you're 40' just because I wanna keep the house somewhat in order (I'm not a neat freak just don't want the place falling down around me). He's also saying he feels like he has to run things by me before he does them like going out with the lads or whatever and I think that's just grating on him. He's started this going out in the car as well for ten mins (so he says) just to fly to the shops and doesn't come back for three or four hours. Think it's to see if I'll ring him to see where he is...I couldn't care less if he goes out tbh I like the peace and quiet but these games are silly and think he's trying to prove some point or something....

Anyway this should be the fun part of a relationship but it's a bit of a battle at times

jubi lee

what does he says when he comes back after 4 hours? bit wierd!

Mrs_Doyle

The only advice I would give you be not to move in with your partner unless you feel really comfortable with the idea.

A few years ago the thoughts of moving in with my BF terrified me, I just wasn't ready for it.

Over the following years I used to consider the prospect, and throw in loads of conditions like, 'We could have a spare room that I could stay in if I needed space' or ' I could just stay with him on the weekdays, and go home at weekends'.

I knew I loved him, I just wasn't ready to live with him

Right now, the only reason I have for not moving in with my boyfriend is financial. I'm saving for a mortgage so its easier to stay at home with the folks while I get the deposit together.

Finances aside, I've grown up, he's grown up, and our relationship has grown with us.

I'm glad I didn't move in with him all those years ago, because the timing would have been all wrong and it could have ended in tears.

Take it slowly, don't feel pressure and if you do decide to move in with your partner, do it in your own time.

dame

dilemma, what age are you both do you mind me asking? He sounds very immature. It's either that or he's just not ready for living with you. How long have you been together? Who asked who to move in together? Could he be feeling that you pressured him into it?

xxdilemmaxx

jubi lee wrote:

what does he says when he comes back after 4 hours? bit wierd!

Nothing - or maybe sorry I'm late or something along those lines but I didn't ask where he was or anything for being of being like the dreaded mother. This only started the last week.

Bit too late for me now to be thinking about whether it's time to move in or not! We gave it a lot of thought and talked it over for two years so just have to work at it now i guess.... Just don't want things to go sour cos we're arguing over stuff that can be avoided. Maybe we just need a weekend apart or something

xxdilemmaxx

dame wrote:

dilemma, what age are you both do you mind me asking? He sounds very immature. It's either that or he's just not ready for living with you. How long have you been together? Who asked who to move in together? Could he be feeling that you pressured him into it?

He is almost 30! I'm 26.... We're together 3 and a half years. Can't even remember now who asked who to move in, we've been talking about it for years.... Maybe he's feeling pressured I don't know, I suppose he's acting like he is anyway. Any advice on how to handle it if that's the case? Or is there anything I can do???

Nevyn

Draw up a list of chores and refuse to be stuck doing them all.

Get backyou own life doing things that intrest you and give some some simulr space.

Maple

take deep breaths and be patient. you've just moved in together, there are bound to be teething problems.

re; the cleaning yes its annoying but just ignore it. i'm one of those people too who just cleans up as they go along and it bugs the hell out of me when people let it accumulate and then do a big blitz. If it bugs you that much then sit down and discuss it rationally with him.

and start making plans to do things seperately otherwise you'll morph in to the same human being and things will get boring and stale. You need to maintain some separate interests.

Overall, its a new beginning for you both and the first things you both ought to learn is how to discuss everything.

dame

Re the cleaning, we have a sort of informal thing that evolved over the years whereby we each have certain areas we take care of. He takes care of all the floors (mopping, hoovering sweeping etc.), I do the bathrooms and the laundry but he folds and puts the clean clothes away. The person who hasn't done the cooking loads the dishwasher. That type of thing. Every so often we both take an hour or two and tidy and dust the place together (usually coincides with visitors on the way ).

I think making a big deal out of chores and making a formal rota would be the wrong way to go. Thank him when he does something and never criticise the way he has done it (this can be hard not to do sometimes but it'll put him off completely if you criticise). Try asking him would he mind sweeping up while you cook the dinner, or doing some other chore while you clean the bathroom. He'll hardly say no, and it'll just become a habit. That's the way it worked out for us anyway. Also, I'd try and get that going as soon as possible or he'll be too used to you doing everything.

Next time he says he's popping out for ten mins I'd ask him what time he'll be back because you're just wondering if you should work away with something for yourself to eat or going out with your friends, or would he like to be included in the pot?

As others have said, definitely keep up your own interests and pastimes. Every couple needs time apart.

Plan nice stuff to do together too such as going to the cinema or anything at all. It can get too easy to just sit in watching the telly.



EDIT: This remindsme of something my aunt always used to say; "Never marry a man who hasn't lived on his own for a while first". I think she means that when you move in together he'll expect you to do all his Mammy did for him unless he has had to look after himself for a year or two first.

yossarin

Thaedydal wrote:

Draw up a list of chores and refuse to be stuck doing them all.

This is a good idea. It'll mean you know things will get done eventually and it'll let him do things in his own time.

You MUST get his buy in before you do it though, otherwise you are acting as mammy.

Mrs. MacGyver

Have a rota, also hav alone time once a week. If we are busy with work or whatever, we set aside Thursday nights for ourselves eg we go for a meal / drink or watch a dvd to relax. Don't bottle things up if you are frustrated...talk rationally. I didn't in the beginning and nearly lost my relationship as a result. Don't nag at all costs! Good communication is the key to co-hab. As said previously, have your own interests and hobbies. You are an individual.

Zebra3

If he's not pulling his weight, don't wash his clothes.

He'll get the hint sooner rather than later.

CathyMoran

We moved in together after 6 months together, though we did not sleep together for another few months. I would tend to be the lazy one housework wise but you should make sure that he does his share by doing up a rota, that way he will feel that it is fair. As others have said it is very important that you both still have your own lives as well as lives with each other. If I go out I will ring my hubby to let him know that I am safe and when I am coming home (and speak to him on the phone on the walk from the bus) but otherwise will not ring him, though we might text...you will get used to your own way of dealing with things after a while.

Personally I regret moving in together so soon as I feel that it meant that we delayed getting married as I was comfortable with the status quo (though we had been on off engaged for as long as we were co-habiting). Maybe you could do with more time apart before you move in, is there any way that you can back out of this?

carnival_joe

its hard, tried it with the same type of situation you are discussing arising. we broke up. but hey, you guys mightn't.

sit back, relax, keep housework fair, pay your ways equally (so that doesn't become an isue), get out yourelf for a few hours with the girls, gym, cinema etc.

when my guy got to his worst peak it was cause he was cheating and the stress of lying got to much for him. however thats a story for another day.

you need to try explain your frustration, and listen to his. both of ye keep calm, and if you feel you are blending into one person, then you start getting out and doing things that don't include him.

best of luck

xxdilemmaxx

Thanks everyone for your comments, went out for dinner with the girls last night and am feeling much better about the situation now. Think he feels a bit guilty as well cos the place was cleaned when I got home!!

Think we are just spending too much time together (we've had 6 mnths of seeing each other practically EVERY night) , I have organised a weekend away with the girls next month and am gonna go home to my Mams for dinner once a week and keep myself busy outside the house so fingers crossed