to propose or not?

LegacyUser

So here goes.
I have been seeing my gf on and off for the past 2 years, but since x-mas we have really fallen for eachother. Probably the arrival of our daughter (totally unplanned! pregnancy not the actual child birth) has forged us together, and for the better. I personally have never been happier and she says the same which I firmly believe. So we have moved in together and all is so so good. So I have been thinking about taking the next step and asking her to marry me. I have been kinda dropping hints that it might just happen some day and I know she would jump for it. So why am I posting?
Well, I suppose I am looking for confirmation that my mental health is still intact! Thing is, since I have hinted at the possibility of marriage she has started to really divulge her past, which I think is great but some bits have startled me. So suppose I am looking for peoples comments. Should I dwell on the past or ignore it completely?
Some of the juicy little tid-bits are that she was previously engage for 3 years, fair enough, but by the sounds of it she was only engaged to this guy to help her thru college, as she had a young son at that stage to another guy. While engaged she cheated on her finance repeatedly and dumped him after she graduated. She has had two pretty much full on bi one night stands. One while I was seeing her although our relationship, at that stage, was not formal. She has also had a no of flings with married men. To mention just a few!! Now we are both about to hit thirty and everyone has their history! Mine not as chequered as hers. One 6 year relationship and well nothing quite as eventful as hers. I cant stop thinking how great it is that she can tell me all this but the more I think about it the more I think she is just a head-f**k. Is she the one I want to spend the rest of my life with? putting aside the fact we have a baby. I know yis cant answer that but would love to know other peoples comments/experiences.
Thanks in advance
Man with ring in his pocket.

00112984

pocoloco wrote:

Is she the one I want to spend the rest of my life with?

If you have to ask, you already have your answer.

Sounds like she's trying to put you well off.

Reku

If you are thinking about it and already have the ring (in your pocket, or was that a joke?) I don't see why not, afterall engagement is not a binding contract so even if things were to go sour you aren't stuck, and who knows it may bring you even closer as a couple.
Many married couples find that the birth of a child actually drives them apart as they spend so much time focusing on the baby that they forget to spend some time focusing on each other, you have already had that and actually grew closer as a result.

Considering the fact that she has had flings with married men though you have to wonder if she'll even be bothered about marriage as she doesn't place much value on the vows if she is fine with the fact of having been with married men...

LegacyUser

pocoloco wrote:

since I have hinted at the possibility of marriage she has started to really divulge her past, which I think is great but some bits have startled me.

Maybe she feels that now is the time to wipe the slate clean and tell you all the history that she mightn't be proud of (if she thinks of it that way), figuring that if you survive that your relationship is definitely for the long term?

Just looking for a bright side

digitally-yours

I wish you all the best and hope all works out as you want


And i hope i am the only one and i would like to be proven wrong here

I would RUN personally its a NO go area for me


Any woman who sleeps with a married man does not have my respects.

May be she is changed now or something ? people do change

Its a risk you have to take i guess.I would say weigh the pros and cons and then decide.

JCB

The Present:

pocoloco wrote:

I personally have never been happier and she says the same which I firmly believe. So we have moved in together and all is so so good.

The Past:

pocoloco wrote:

While engaged she cheated on her finance repeatedly and dumped him after she graduated. She has had two pretty much full on bi one night stands. One while I was seeing her although our relationship, at that stage, was not formal. She has also had a no of flings with married men. To mention just a few.

Should I dwell on the past or ignore it completely?

Do neither.
You have to weigh up your present situation with her past.
Personally, I think it shows a greater sign of commitment by being upfront than hiding it from you.
Do you think she would cheat again? More importantly, would she cheat on you? Having lived with her, do you love her and trust her? If so, then you have your answer.

funkrooney

I dunno man I always go with the old oine of if you have to ask yourself should you really do something, then you probably should'nt........

BUT I have to admit, that I have done a lot of stupid, stuff people would question in the past, and currently still do, meaningless sex, heaps and heaps, a number of **** buddy relationships, slept wit married women etc etc,

That does not mean that I wont be an excellent partner that would never cheat if I meet the right girl,

go with your gut man, it aint gonna be wrong, its just whether your gonna go against it and regret it in 5 years

Evil Phil

I'd say that she doesn't want any skeletons in the closet so the two of you can really make a go of it. Everybody has their past, but it's in the past. She took a gamble telling you about hers: This is a good thing.

That being said don't rush into getting married. Sounds like you've only been living together for 6 months. Maybe you have doubts because its too soon? Or maybe you have doubts because its marriage and you're a guy

LegacyUser

pocoloco wrote:

So here goes.
I have been seeing my gf on and off for the past 2 years, but since x-mas we have really fallen for eachother. Probably the arrival of our daughter (totally unplanned! pregnancy not the actual child birth) has forged us together, and for the better. I personally have never been happier and she says the same which I firmly believe. So we have moved in together and all is so so good. So I have been thinking about taking the next step and asking her to marry me. I have been kinda dropping hints that it might just happen some day and I know she would jump for it. So why am I posting?
Well, I suppose I am looking for confirmation that my mental health is still intact! Thing is, since I have hinted at the possibility of marriage she has started to really divulge her past, which I think is great but some bits have startled me. So suppose I am looking for peoples comments. Should I dwell on the past or ignore it completely?
Some of the juicy little tid-bits are that she was previously engage for 3 years, fair enough, but by the sounds of it she was only engaged to this guy to help her thru college, as she had a young son at that stage to another guy. While engaged she cheated on her finance repeatedly and dumped him after she graduated. She has had two pretty much full on bi one night stands. One while I was seeing her although our relationship, at that stage, was not formal. She has also had a no of flings with married men. To mention just a few!! Now we are both about to hit thirty and everyone has their history! Mine not as chequered as hers. One 6 year relationship and well nothing quite as eventful as hers. I cant stop thinking how great it is that she can tell me all this but the more I think about it the more I think she is just a head-f**k. Is she the one I want to spend the rest of my life with? putting aside the fact we have a baby. I know yis cant answer that but would love to know other peoples comments/experiences.
Thanks in advance
Man with ring in his pocket.

Just look at the bold bits and you really have to wonder a couple of things,

1) This girl appears to have absolutely no self respect
2) She is an airhead
3) You seem to be the normal one
4) Is she the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Girlfriend on and off for the past 2 years?

Too many alarm bells for my liking...far too many. Bring on the Feministas and weak individuals to tell me how old fashioned I am because my girlfriend is not a sleep with anyone, bi-sexual trying, pregnant with anyone, cheater who has absolutely no respect for herself or the people she is with...and to think she is a mother. Absolutely Hilarious...God help the kid.

Too much drama and you have not even got married yet, kid with someone else, engaged to some lad, cheats on him, bi-sexual flings...what the **** ever.

Nevyn

Well why do you want to get married ?
And have you sat down and talked about what are the deal breakers in your relationship ?
Did you apply for gaurdinship of your daughter ?

Marksie

Evil Phil wrote:

I'd say that she doesn't want any skeletons in the closet so the two of you can really make a go of it. Everybody has their past, but it's in the past. She took a gamble telling you about hers: This is a good thing.

OK I agree with Evil Phil here. She has opened up completely and laid everything on the table for you to look at. She is therefore trusting you.

How you handle it now is crucial. Remember, the past is the past. Where she was then is not where she is now. That now is in a relationship with you. Accept what she has done at complete face value... a clearing of any past issues she may have felt were an impedement to going further with you.

You have made play of her experience being more than yours. Is this actually one of the reasons why it is an issue? That she has explored more? It is nit as daft or as brusque a question as it seems, because i am asking you to look at your own reasonings for this.

ON the subject of engagement, well if you have to ask then you are not ready. If you felt you have to ask us because of the first part above, then if you clear that issue then things may be clearer in and of yourself.
Getting engaged while unsure is not a good idea, been there, done that.

Mr. Incognito

pocoloco


First off, congratulations on your daughter.

In an ideal world yes yes everyone should be wrapped in cotton wool and be presented virginal to you on your wedding night. get real.
i would disagree with the bigotry and prejudice of most of the other posters. In my humble opinion.

*She has come totally clean about her past. This is a great step and shows trust.

*Her experiences may mean she has gotten them out of her system and is liberated enough to know that what she has now is not worth messing up.

One of the most telling things is how she relates to these memories. Is she ashamed of her past or proud of it? This is a big indicator of what type of person she may be. Regardless of anyone's past I really think that Love will conquer all. You are happy together, living together and have started a fmaily. if anyone out there thinks you should up and walk because of your paranoia they deserve a swift clout of reality.

As regards your doubts, doubts are good. Doubts are what helps us iron out the problems. It's the monkeys that rush into things with no thought that are getting divorced in five years. The level of niavity shown by some people on this topic has truly astounded me.

Go for it man. Live is to be lived to the full, not shrivelled up waiting for the perfect opportunity that will never come.

hshortt

No one has mentioned actually telling her how you feel. Sit down, tell her that this is weighing on your mind and work it out. Whatever is in the past is over, look forward now.

Best of luck,
Howard

Maple

the past is the past. your girlfriend is trying to be honest with you about exactly where she's come from. yes its a shock to your system, of course it would be to hear about some of the foolish and destructive decisions she has made. but its the present and the future that should concern you the most. She's obviously been treating you well and you're happy enough to consider marrying her. The past is the past, leave it there.

milod

Have to agree with Marksie and Setanta here - everyone has a past, and like it says at the end of all those pensions advertisements "past performance is not an indicator of future trends"

Although some of the other posters make valid comments, it's interesting that many take a very absolutist approach here - I'm guessing they're younger and less experienced in life :rolleyes:

Usually, by the time you get your mid thirties you realise that nobody is perfect, and that we all make stupid mistakes, that we can't just decide not to fall in love with someone, and that we can't just decide 100% on our sexual orientation, and that sometimes we are tempted by forbidden fruits.

The important thing is that we learn from all of our experiences - so perhaps you need to discuss that aspect with your girlfriend, i.e. whether she's ready for a commitment like marriage, and whether you're certain that she has matured and developed sufficiently into motherhood...

Lothaar

digitally-yours wrote:

Any woman who sleeps with a married man does not have my respects.

Take that back! My wife sleeps with a married man every night of the week!

OP: If she was planning on screwing with you, she probably wouldn't have come clean. She's laying her cards on the table so you know who you're committing to.

If you can live with her past, and you love her, then go for it!

Clairecluck

you've trusted he enough to bring a kid into the world with her, surely thats bigger than any piece of paper. I think its you who sounds like you can't be trusted, posting this about the mother of your baby and the woman you live with. Imagine how hurt she would be if she saw this. All she has been is honest.

digitally-yours

Lothaar wrote:

Take that back! My wife sleeps with a married man every night of the week!

OP: If she was planning on screwing with you, she probably wouldn't have come clean. She's laying her cards on the table so you know who you're committing to.

If you can live with her past, and you love her, then go for it!

You know what i mean:D Put what i said in the context of what the OP said and you will understand what i mean.

LegacyUser

Clairecluck wrote:

you've trusted he enough to bring a kid into the world with her, surely thats bigger than any piece of paper. I think its you who sounds like you can't be trusted, posting this about the mother of your baby and the woman you live with. Imagine how hurt she would be if she saw this. All she has been is honest.

She has been around that block a couple of times before, honest, maybe, but is she now trying to scare him off? Just because Romantic Novels say that people who open up and tell one another absolutely everything have a closer bond, that's bull****, you don't talk about your past and you don't talk about ex-boyfriends or what you did/didn't do. You leave it in the past and never bring it up again. Especially when you have a fairly ****ing "active" past like the OP's girlfriend...is she trying to freak him out?

greenkittie

When things got serious with my current boyfriend i wanted to lay everything on the table cause I wanted him to go into the relationship with no illusions. I didn't want him to say he loved me without knowing everything about me, the bad and good and making an informed decision. Maybe this is what she is doing?

CathyMoran

My gut instinct is that you should ask her to marry you, when I married my husband I wanted him to know EVERYTHING about my past (not that I have much) but until then I did not feel that I could marry him, maybe she just feels the same. We all have a past and that is no indication of the future, you are happy so why not go for it. Good luck!