Tension

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm a 29 year old male, engaged to my wonderful female partner of 7 years. We both have good jobs, we've just built a house, and we intend to marry soon.

Overall, our relationship is great. I really enjoy it when we have time off together. My fiancee has supported me through some very difficult times - I've been suffering an anxiety disorder - I'm on medication at the moment -and I'm fairly certain I would have cracked up long ago if it wasn't for her.

Unfortunately, there's a major problem in the sex department.
Since I was about 14 or 15, I've experienced recurring masochistic fantasies. These fantasies range in intensity from the tame (shoe/foot licking), to the more racy (penetration with strapon), to the downright insane (dominant female defecates on me). Yes, the rational part of myself knows the last one is completely nuts.

Anyway, the point is, I've always had these fantasies. My fiancee isn't kinky at all, and in general, I've been perfectly happy with that. We've touched on the subject, infrequently, and there's no way I'd expect her to engage in any behaviour that she doesn't like.

I'm not sure why I have these fantasies - although I think it's something to do with my childhood. I was beaten very severely by my mother until I was old enough to fight back - I don't speak to her now - I think these fantasies are linked to the violence I suffered as a child but I don't understand the mechanism.

The problem is, from time to time, these fantasies become so powerful that I feel very strong urges to engage in risky behaviour, e.g. seek out a dominatrix on the Internet. So far, I have done nothing more than masturbate over S&M porn.

I suppose what I want advice on is how to deal with these feelings?
Do I maintain the status quo - which is masturbate from time to time - or find a partner that I can act out these fantasies with? This would mean leaving my fiancee which I'd find very hard to do - she'd be really hurt.
I do feel guilty for having these fantasies but I haven't found a way to switch them off - if anyone has a suggestion I'd be delighted.

At the moment, the conflicting emotions that I'm feeling are generating considerable tension.

Thanks in advance.

Reku

Don't throw away a good thing just for a possible fantasy. Fantasies rarely live up to expectations in reality (hence the name).

I would say that you should just sit down some evening together and talk about all your (both of you) fantasies, maybe some of them she'll be willing to try, while others will be clearly marked as no-gos. If she indulges you make sure to repay the favour, but also make sure not to try pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do.

Supposedly strapon sex is quite a common fantasy for women, the whole thing of being the man for a change & role reversal thing being a turn on.
As for the guilt, don't feel guilty, fantasy is just a part of a healthy sex drive & everyone does it, acting on it though (regardless of consequences) isn't.

MojoMaker

How do they qualify as masochistic tendencies exactly?

You have a fetish, a pretty vanilla one too. Manage it but enjoy it.

LegacyUser

To farohar: that's great advice, thanks very much!

To MojoMaker: I'm not sure of the exact technical definitions, but I always thought being rammed up the back passage by a female with a strapon was a form of Masochism?!

On feeling guilty, thanks to both of you for your input, I feel less of a "freak" now for having such fantasies.