Something different, perhaps

LegacyUser

Here's something a little different. And something rather frivolous compared to what some people go through and share here in Personal issues but for some reason it is playing on my mind more than it probably should so I thought I'd share it with you good people.

There is a girl (isn't there always?) whom I meet from time to time around work and we've always been friendly without being what you might call close. I'm a little shy and find it hard to strike up conversations with girls but I've chatted with her from time to time. Nothing serious and I certainly wouldn't say we've ever flirted. Anyway, last week she asked me out. Really caught me off guard I can tell you. I asked (mumbled more like) her for her number and told her I'd be in touch. Of course I didn't save it on the phone correctly but that's another story.

Thing is, I'm not long out of another relationship and to be perfectly honest I don't really think I have the heart at the moment to get involved with someone else.

Yes, when she asked me out I should have told her this but like I said she caught me on the hop, I was rushing to get back to work and I just didn't. That's just the way it happened. If I could have handled it better, I would have.

She's great this girl. Spot-on personality and attractive to boot. I should be thrilled and flattered she stumped up the courage to ask me and I am, but I just don't think it's right for me at this time. Am I being selfish and thinking only of my own feelings? Maybe. But still, I don't want to mess her around. She deserves to get it straight from me from the beginning but for the life of me I don't know how to put it into words.

So, how do I put it to her without patronising her and at the same time saving the little bit of friendship we have developed? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to put her 'on ice' or anything like that. We're going to be meeting one another again from time to time through work and I don't want us to start avoiding one another or anything like that.

I was thinking about maybe asking her out for a drink and just telling her all this but maybe that is not such a good idea. I don't know. This kind of thing is supposed to get easier as you get older, isn't it?

It would be good to hear any advice or opinions from people on here.

Cheers.

Reku

I'm probably over simplifying the situation here but giving her the address for this thread mightn't hurt, often we can have a little speech all planned out to explain things to people (whether it be our feelings or something educational) but when the time comes to give it we ourselves get completely lost in it and can't explain things right. As a result writing things down when away from the people helps, think how helpful it is to prepare a ppt presentation before having to give a talk.
Give her a note/letter explaining how you feel, at least once she knows it's up to her if she still wants to go out with you.

sticker

farohar wrote:

I'm probably over simplifying the situation here but giving her the address for this thread mightn't hurt, often we can have a little speech all planned out to explain things to people (whether it be our feelings or something educational) but when the time comes to give it we ourselves get completely lost in it and can't explain things right. As a result writing things down when away from the people helps, think how helpful it is to prepare a ppt presentation before having to give a talk.
Give her a note/letter explaining how you feel, at least once she knows it's up to her if she still wants to go out with you.

Give her the address for this thread?!... You're joking right?!!!
Write her a note - not a good idea - and a bit cowardly in my opinion

Sorry, but that advice seems very odd to me.

OP - My 2 cents would be to take her to one side and explain your situation, that you're only out of a relationship and don't really want anything right now, BUT that you really like her and hope this won't effect your current friendship with her.

It may be awkward, but it's the sensible thing to do -

Marksie

Op: why not juts go on the date anyway. Enjoy the night for what it is. You are putting the cart before the horse in assuming that she wants a realtionship with you.

Many posters have given advice in previous threads about people just out of relationships getting out and enjoying themselves.

So my advice is just go out with the girl and enjoy it. Don't worry about what may or may not be. Just go out and enjoy the now.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies everyone.

Farohar: I think I know where you are coming from. You run something through your head before you meet the person and more often than not it comes out backwards and in Swahili. But, I'd prefer to do it face to face.

Sticker: That's more along the lines of what I was thinking. I do like this girl even though I barely know her. She had the courage and balls to ask me out face to face even though she barely knows me. The least I can do is do the same.

Marksie: Who is to say she is looking for a relationship? What's wrong with just going out for drinks with someone you like without worrying about where it might go? I think we worry a little too much about what may or may not happen in the long term. As I said, I'm not long out of something that did have something of a sticky ending and I'm not in the right frame of mind to be starting something else but like you say maybe drinks with this girl might be just what the doctor ordered.

Thanks again.'

Reku

sticker wrote:

Give her the address for this thread?!... You're joking right?!!!
Write her a note - not a good idea - and a bit cowardly in my opinion

Sorry, but that advice seems very odd to me.

Can't see anything either giving a clear ID of the girl, or even the OP, or anything embaressing posted so so what if she reads it, it clearly lays out that he does like her but he is unsure if he should date her and the reasons why. Stating your feelings clearly on paper is a bit cowardly? Guess writing love letters is also a bit cowardly in your oppinion so... romance is definitely dead... Would think it's better than:
"Hay babe U want 2 go 4 a d8?"

As long as he's honest with her I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

Carotene wrote:

'Thanks for the replies everyone.

Farohar: I think I know where you are coming from. You run something through your head before you meet the person and more often than not it comes out backwards and in Swahili. But, I'd prefer to do it face to face.

Sticker: That's more along the lines of what I was thinking. I do like this girl even though I barely know her. She had the courage and balls to ask me out face to face even though she barely knows me. The least I can do is do the same.

Marksie: Who is to say she is looking for a relationship? What's wrong with just going out for drinks with someone you like without worrying about where it might go? I think we worry a little too much about what may or may not happen in the long term. As I said, I'm not long out of something that did have something of a sticky ending and I'm not in the right frame of mind to be starting something else but like you say maybe drinks with this girl might be just what the doctor ordered.

Thanks again.'

Wow, how long did I take typing the other reply...:o

At least you seem to be sure in your head how you want to deal with the situation. Good luck, hope it goes well for both of you.

sticker

farohar wrote:

Stating your feelings clearly on paper is a bit cowardly? Guess writing love letters is also a bit cowardly in your oppinion so... romance is definitely dead...

In the OP's case, HELL YEAH - it would be a cowardly approach - not to mention inappropriate too...

To receive a note after ONE intimate exchange where the girl in question had the courage to approach the OP - he should reciprocate her bravery - she deserves a face to face.

LegacyUser

farohar wrote:

I'm probably over simplifying the situation here but giving her the address for this thread mightn't hurt, often we can have a little speech all planned out to explain things to people (whether it be our feelings or something educational) but when the time comes to give it we ourselves get completely lost in it and can't explain things right. As a result writing things down when away from the people helps, think how helpful it is to prepare a ppt presentation before having to give a talk.
Give her a note/letter explaining how you feel, at least once she knows it's up to her if she still wants to go out with you.

I'm sorry but this is one of the most bizarre pieces of advice I've ever seen here on PI. The girl likes this guy, raises the courage to ask him out and he responds by giving her the url for a thread on boards where he asks a load of strangers what he should do now, wtf!
Go out for a drink with her, she was asking you to go out, it wasn't a marraige proposal!

hanni1234

Easiest way to forget about a relationship is to go out and enjoy yourself. You'll have more fun having a drink with her on a Sat night and heading out (not too serious) than staying in thinking about your ex. I say get stuck in and dont make such a big deal about it! :cool:

TheDriver

Take it handy and see where it goes and don't think about it too much, you never know and don't want to miss an opportunity either. Go for it.

Reku

sticker wrote:

In the OP's case, HELL YEAH - it would be a cowardly approach - not to mention inappropriate too...

To receive a note after ONE intimate exchange where the girl in question had the courage to approach the OP - he should reciprocate her bravery - she deserves a face to face.

Funny thing about notes, they can be given in person, they don't always have to be something you pass along on the sly. Another realistic option would be to actually write it down as a speech and ask her to listen while he read it. The key point in this situation is to allow the OP to clearly communicate how he feels, and at the moment casual conversation just isn't working for him. He doesn't want her to feel he's not into her, just that he's still not sure he's entirely over the last relationship so she'll need to be patient with him.
And confidence does not equal bravery, have you considered that she may have more experience asking people out and talking to people she fancies than the OP? The OP himself says that he is "a little shy", as such some sort of conversational crutch may be needed for him to make himself clear in a situation like this.

eddie93 wrote:

I'm sorry but this is one of the most bizarre pieces of advice I've ever seen here on PI. The girl likes this guy, raises the courage to ask him out and he responds by giving her the url for a thread on boards where he asks a load of strangers what he should do now, wtf!
Go out for a drink with her, she was asking you to go out, it wasn't a marraige proposal!

He was asking for advice on how to explain his mindset to her, not what to do now. His thoughts are written above for her to read.
If I found out a girl was seeking advice about me the only things that would bug me would be:
1. if she used details that would make me very identifiable
2. if I felt she hadn't at least tried to raise the issue with me and I only found the thread on my own, it'd feel like she couldn't trust me to be mature enough to be willing to properly talk about it (both the listening and talking parts).

sticker

farohar wrote:

Another realistic option would be to actually write it down as a speech and ask her to listen while he read it.

I understand we're all here to give our 2 cents worth. The boards is a great facility for people to come and gain differing opinions about real world issues... Saying that, you can't honestly think your last post is good advice...

Do you honestly think the OP should sit this girl down, unfolding a piece of paper in front of her and read aloud his feelings?!!!

She'd run a mile! - and with every good reason!

There's simply no situation in the world where this would be viable!!

sticker

Marksie wrote:

Op: why not juts go on the date anyway. Enjoy the night for what it is. You are putting the cart before the horse in assuming that she wants a realtionship with you.

Many posters have given advice in previous threads about people just out of relationships getting out and enjoying themselves.

So my advice is just go out with the girl and enjoy it. Don't worry about what may or may not be. Just go out and enjoy the now.

I'd agree! Life's too short...