In his shadow...

Seoige

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way too? I have a fantastic boyfriend who I am very much in love with. We get on great, are very happy together and have been going out for 4 years. The only thing that I find difficult to deal with is something I'm a bit embarassed about, that I sometimes feel as if I'm in his shadow. He gets on so well with everyone, so well in fact that I sometimes I feel as if my friends (male and female) prefer his company over mine!! I can feel a bit left out on nights out. Any ideas on how to get over this? Maybe ways of boosting myself up a bit?!! Thanks in advance

GreenHorn

Have you ever thought of the prospect that you're boyfriend might do this on purpose?

I would hazard an educated guess that maybe he knows he's "over-shadowing" you and allows it to happen to massage his ego slightly...

Maybe I'm wrong, but just an opinion...

Having said that: I believe when you can say that your boyfriend/girlfriend is "A good boy/girl friend" then you can't ask for much more that that... It's a minefield, this life, and people who make you genuinely happy are in short supply...

Seoige

Well it had crossed my mind but its almost impossible to say for definite thats what happens, sometimes I find that the better he's getting on, the quieter I get and then it becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy!! I dunno, I'd hate to think it was deliberate to be honest...

GreenHorn

Yeah, I know what you mean...

To be honest, (and I really don't mean this to come across as smart-a*s cos it's genuinely not meant that way) if this is the worst problem you have with your boyfriend... then you guys are doing better than most

If he needs a little "soap-box" attention from your group of friends every now and then to top up the oul self-esteem then why not let him off.... it's not like he's smoking crack or 'carrying on' with your brother!

Also, I would assume your friends like him so much because he makes an effort and tries to be fun and have fun with them... this, he must do because he loves you... otherwise I guess he wouldn't make the effort...

OfflerCrocGod

Seoige wrote:

I find that the better he's getting on, the quieter I get and then it becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy!! I dunno, I'd hate to think it was deliberate to be honest...

Why would you close down just because he is gregarious? You're doing this to yourself - he isn't to blame.

Seoige

Yeh Greenhorn, I take your point!! And God, I should hope he's not carrying on with my brother :eek: !!! Now there's a real problem!

GreenHorn

Seoige wrote:

Yeh Greenhorn, I take your point!! And God, I should hope he's not carrying on with my brother :eek: !!! Now there's a real problem!

HaHa - yeah, I'm not even sure what forum you'd put that in really??

Hope it all works out for you Seoige, I think maybe it's just one of those small tiny self-esteem issues that we all have here and there... Such are the complexities of serious relationships!

Seoige

Jerry Springer!! Thanks for the advice

GreenHorn

Seoige wrote:

Jerry Springer!! Thanks for the advice

Been called worse... unless that was meant as rhyming slang for "minger" ??!

Seoige

No!! I meant that the boyfriend/brother problem would be suitable for Jerry Springer!

GreenHorn

Seoige wrote:

No!! I meant that the boyfriend/brother problem would be suitable for Jerry Springer!

Oh Right!! HaHa, silly me - that made me laugh out loud though... ah, so easily amused

CaroleLynch

Seoige wrote:

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way too? I have a fantastic boyfriend who I am very much in love with. We get on great, are very happy together and have been going out for 4 years. The only thing that I find difficult to deal with is something I'm a bit embarassed about, that I sometimes feel as if I'm in his shadow. He gets on so well with everyone, so well in fact that I sometimes I feel as if my friends (male and female) prefer his company over mine!! I can feel a bit left out on nights out. Any ideas on how to get over this? Maybe ways of boosting myself up a bit?!! Thanks in advance

Hey Seoige,

Sounds like you have a great guy there!! If that is the only thing you are worried about then you are fine..:D He is obviously mad about you to make such an effort around your friends..

Best of Luck!!:)

Deadevil129

Heh I can actually really relate to this.

My boyfriend (lets call him Dave) is wonderfull, couldn't ask for more. However I'm a lot more shy than he is, I especially come across like this in pubs where I have to scream over music to talk to anyone.

Anyway, as soon as myself and Dave go out everone looks to him and all you can hear is "Oh my God, Daves here!" "Dave?! Give me a hug" "Wow, Dave, hi!" "Haven't seen you in ages man! How've you been?!" I'm lucky to get more than a "hey". And it's not because I don't make and effort I do genuinely try to be friendly and such, but it's hard to try and be something I'm not naturally everytime I go for a night out.

I suppose I'm not actually offering any help, but at least you know you're not alone! On the flip side, I'd surpass my boyfriend in college and career, so this is probably one thing I'm not going to make the slightest effort to come out on top of. Relationships are always a bit of give and take, and I'd be much happier to say "yeah, I'm good at my job and swimming, whereas my boyfriend is better at music and socialising" rather than "I'm better than him at everthing".

Kell

GreenHorn wrote:

Have you ever thought of the prospect that you're boyfriend might do this on purpose?

I would hazard an educated guess that maybe he knows he's "over-shadowing" you and allows it to happen to massage his ego slightly...

Jeebus where do you get off? Most of my ex's have at one point complained about just how sociable I am and how many people I know etc. Am I supposed to take this on as a problem?? My fúcking áss.

As for ego massaging, people like her BF have comfortable ego's that dont actually need massaging. From the way you speak and the OP, you're quite possibly the ones who need the ego's massaged. Projecting your insecurities on your partners and making out that they there is a problem. Bah. Get some sense.

K-

spinandscribble

op, seriously dont blame him for being sociable while your a wallflower. he didnt make you into one and it isnt his fault if ppl, including your friends, like him.
greenhorn, no offence but i find that your just looking for someone to blame by accusing her bf of being attention seeking.
i'd be like your bf, while my bf would be like you op, quite shy and i had a sit down with him once or twice about how he felt when we'd be out and he said he just accepted he was shy and wouldnt want to hold me back or change me. i think you could learn from my bfs attitude.
on the flip side i used to get annoyed how shy my bf was. i knew i shouldnt be but eventually he became less so and he is much happier, as am i, as a result.