Girlfriend has an STD

LegacyUser

I've been seeing this girl for under a year now, and have really fallen for her in a big, big way and vice-versa. Our sex-life has always been good but over the last few weeks she's become more and more distant and unaffectionate – very unlike her. I sat down and talked to her about it last night and she confessed that it was because she was mentally building up to tell me something big – she has herpes.

Now this has left me totally stunned. Apparently she was diagnosed two years ago and hasn't had an outbreak since then. We've never had unprotected sex but I still booked myself in for a test this morning. I just can't get my head around how she didn't tell me before now and where exactly the relationship can go from here. I still love her deeply and want to be able to overcome this, but right now I don't see how I can trust her after she waited so long and potentially put me at risk. Plus there's fact that if I do have a future with her I want kids and to do so, at some stage I'm going to have to have unprotected sex with her. So any advice?

cas_k

yea you could start with getting over yourself!!! For gawd sake I'm sure that there are things in your past that you would prefer not to tell your girlfriend. It must have taken a lot for your girlfriend to tell you about her STD... and I am sure that she is ashamed enough of it as it is without you acting the big almighty. Try to be a bit more understanding - you say that you have been together for just under a year so its been honeymoon period until now... this will give you a bang of reality and allow you to prove to your girlfriend how much you actually love her and then if you can act like an adult you will be become a stronger couple. As for the future and planning kids well I'm sure when you take your trip to the STD clinic the nurses will be able to help you on that score... but in the meantime - lay off the girlfriend it took a lot for her to tell you!!!

Zulu

...give the guy a break! She should have told him about the fu(kin std without putting him at risk!
Are you insane cas_k? Do you think it's ok to sleep with someone for, what, 11 months and not mention you had an std???

OP, thats a tough one. It's your call, but I'd have a good long chat with a doctor, and then a good long think at why she put you at risk. This is a little bit bigger than her pride.

(I love to see your reaction if the op was a girl :rolleyes: )

lily lou

I don't agree with cas at all, your girlfriend should have told you that before putting you at risk!! There's plenty of things that are ok not to talk about til you are ready but STD's aren't 1 of them. I can understand why she did leave it though, it must have been so hard for her to bring up the subject. I'm sure her heart was in the right place. Unfortunately having an STD is probably seen as "a dumpable offence" before you're even given a chance, she may have hoped that when you got to know her you'd see her as more than just a risk to your health. Talk to her and at least give the chance to explain why she waited so long to tell you. Good luck.

Glowing

You've never had unprotected sex and she hasn't had an outbreak in 2 years. I don't see how thats really putting you at risk, although correct me if i'm wrong. And she did do the right thing by telling you *before* you had unprotected sex. Its not her fault really, and I'm sure she feels bad enough about it already without you treating her like a leper.

Its not really a good start to a relationship to say "Hey by the way, I have herpes. So what do you do for a living"

cas_k

Do ye know what Zula.... your right... that last comment has put a new slant on things for me... sorry I do think that I've been a bit harsh.

biko

I'm sure it must have been agony for your gf to wait so long to tell you but... would you have continued seeing her if she told you up front?

Zombrex

sfffff wrote:

Now this has left me totally stunned. Apparently she was diagnosed two years ago and hasn't had an outbreak since then.

Which is probably why she didn't tell you. She is telling you now, I'm not sure why you are freaking out. Have you told her about all the times you might have got an STD?

sfffff wrote:

Plus there's fact that if I do have a future with her I want kids and to do so, at some stage I'm going to have to have unprotected sex with her. So any advice?

Well for a start you can read up on herpes. Depending on where an outbreak can happen a condom can provide protection or no protection at all. The answer is to not have sex when she has an outbreak. If she isn't having an outbreak that chances of you catching it from her are very small.

I know a married couple with herpes. They simply don't have sex if she has an outbreak (at all, protected or otherwise), which has only happened twice during periods of stress for her, in the last 10 years.

try to ignore the comments here criticizing you...its very normal for you to be freaked out about this after 1 year. If you weren't supposed to be shocked by it she wouldn't have kept it from you.

nicolo

Jesus its only herpes its not THAT bad, its not like aids or syphalus or something,
I've had it for years now and only once had a bad outbreak (and only once since then and i stopped it with cream) it comes in (rare) outbreaks and while a pain when its there its no worse then having a really bad cold sore on your dick and even at that theres creams for it and if you catch it early ( as with cold sores) you can almost always prevent them getting bad. anyways your only going out for a year so stop stressing about getting married and having a bunch of kids as previously stated your probably in the honey moon period and may still break up over non gential related issues so just stay protected till your 100% you want ids and if your still worried bout it then then you could maybe look at some parenting options like I.F. or something if it bothers you that much.

but i wouldnt worry to much bout it, she might not have thought to tell you when you initially met as you would have no doubt run for the hills and returned with pitch forks and angry villagers. then when it started to go a bit better she probably didn't want to spoil it, i know this from personall experience
if anything her telling you is probably a sign that shes really serious about you and decided to take the risk to tell you so there'd be no secreyts between you.

or she could just be doing this

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TGR4c2m8OWA

Marksie

OP: its entirely possible that he becoming unaffectionate etc. was due to her worrying about telling you. Perhaps getting herself ready for you to break up with her.

While yes, it would have been better if she had told you earlier, she has told you now. It could be that this is her giving you her "guilty secret" if you like. She may very well be terrified that you will break up with her because of it.

The best thing for you to do is to go find out as much as you can about herpes before you make any drastic decisions.
Once you have the information then you can sit down and talk calmly.

I take it that she never complained about using protection etc?. If so, she may very well have been aware and also aware of the risks. So there are two ways of looking at it. A) she put you at risk or she was using protection, had no outbreak, but now is opening and telling you everything. I bekive, that if yu can get through this then she will open back to you again.