Confused, not sure what to do....any advice , Please...

Guest12

Hi All

Have been with my boyfriend for 7mths now, it is a long distance relationship, and feeling a little down and confused, you see he says he loves me but yet since day one it has always been 50/50 with drinks & meals, even to the extent that he has asked me for my share.....last weekend he even cut all contact to one phone at night making me feel he was pulling away, he saya he loves me but is he just with me for the sake of it, it is always me who has to initiates affectio even to the simple kiss....I do think the world of him and his mother is in hospital which I do understand he`d be worrying about her, but I still feel he is pushing me away and doesn`t want to be with me.....

Zulu

What does the cost of a drink have to do with love?

af_thefragile

Long distance relationships rarely work.. I was in one.. Its just really tough to keep up and they usually end bad...

sorry, i'm quite un-helpful here...

hanni1234

Sounds like he doesnt have much cash thats all

whippet

af_thefragile wrote:

Long distance relationships rarely work.. I was in one.. Its just really tough to keep up and they usually end bad...

sorry, i'm quite un-helpful here...

I was in a long distance relationship for nearly 4 years .. between london and dublin .. I am now married to that very same girl.

At the time is we horrid expensive to maintain the relationship between flights, phone bills and the expectation that every time we met up we had to go out somewhere, have a fancy dinner or just treat ourselves in general. One month my phone bill was about €350 and of that about €200 was text messages !! it wasn't nice but we had to limit ourselves to the odd phone call and the odd text !!

eventually it was getting to both of us, the thoughts of booking another flight, paying another dinner bill it was causing a strain on the relationship .. we both realised we had to speak up or that was it .. so eventually we decided that most weekend when we did met up it was DVD and home cooked food and a typical night in !!

As for paying 50-50 it's quite common .. maybe more so to say i'll get this you get it next time .. if both people are working this shouldn't be a problem !!

AngryBadger

eh, what's your problem exactly? Your boyfriend expects you to be able to pay your own way? Your boyfriend doesn't have a lot of money and is trying to be responsible with what he does have? Your boyfriend's mother is in hospital and you resent competing for his time?

If you're acting like this after just 7 months i'd say end it. probably doing your boyfriend a favour.

muppetkiller

Your in a long distance relationship for 7 months and you say you love him ?
How often did you get to see him during those 7 months ?
Do you mind me asking what age you are ?
Do you think he doesn't love you because he goes halves on your dinner ?
Do you think guys like talking on the phone all day everyday ? Once a day is loads in a long distance relationship.

I think you constant need for contact may be the only thing that will push him away.

Ruu_Old

How far are you both apart if you don't mind me asking? I was in a long distance relationship (now over 3 years married), her in US and me in Ireland. It was difficult at times but we made it through the rough part and enjoyed our time together when it was time for another visit.
His mother is probably his top priority right now. Maybe help him out with that if possible and go visit her as I'm sure he might appreciate it. Just an idea.

Maple

i don't see the problem. whats wrong with splitting things 50/50? is it that you want to be treated every now and again? if so, do you spoil him every now and again?

his mother is in hospital, he's probably worried about that. try not to be so paranoid and just support him.

Guest12

I know what your all saying, I`m not in any way competing for his time against his mother`s , what I would like if he would be more closer to me as it is hard when there is distance involved, I am in Kilkenny and he in Sligo. It`s not about the money at all but do appreciate all your comments.

af_thefragile

whippet wrote:

I was in a long distance relationship for nearly 4 years .. between london and dublin .. I am now married to that very same girl.

At the time is we horrid expensive to maintain the relationship between flights, phone bills and the expectation that every time we met up we had to go out somewhere, have a fancy dinner or just treat ourselves in general. One month my phone bill was about €350 and of that about €200 was text messages !! it wasn't nice but we had to limit ourselves to the odd phone call and the odd text !!

eventually it was getting to both of us, the thoughts of booking another flight, paying another dinner bill it was causing a strain on the relationship .. we both realised we had to speak up or that was it .. so eventually we decided that most weekend when we did met up it was DVD and home cooked food and a typical night in !!

As for paying 50-50 it's quite common .. maybe more so to say i'll get this you get it next time .. if both people are working this shouldn't be a problem !!

Thats pretty cool...
Bout me, my gf lived in scotland n i was here in ireland. We did go on fine for 6months though, it just kept getting really tough.
Like we're both students n she had little money most of the times so it was me doing most of the spending...
I kept running phone bills of €200 and then flights to scotland every month.. it all was pretty expensive but still manageable but the distance was really getting to us towards the end. Things were getting really tough and all.

Although the reason we broke up was unrelated to the distance. But I think we could have had avoided the break up if there wasn't the distance between us...

onemanband

Is he struggling with money or tight for cash. If he is then you should have no issue with 50/50. If he is not and has not paid for one dinner or night out in 7 months then I'd say dump him.

Nothing worse that a tight arse guy with no sense of chivalry. Once a tight wad always a tight wad!

Remember to discount those remarks if he is tight for cash!

_blank_

onemanband wrote:

Is he struggling with money or tight for cash. If he is then you should have no issue with 50/50. If he is not and has not paid for one dinner or night out in 7 months then I'd say dump him.

Nothing worse that a tight arse guy with no sense of chivalry. Once a tight wad always a tight wad!

Remember to discount those remarks if he is tight for cash!

:eek:

Why didn't you ask her if she ever bought a meal etc etc?

FFS, once again we see double standards for blokes and girls.

~Rick~

Everyone else has basically asked the rite questions and gave the rite responses, i'm just restating what they've already said basically.

If his mom is in the hospital, then chances are he's really wrapped up into what's going on with her. The most you can do at this point is be a supporter to him and not be 'selfish' (not trying to be stupid by saying that, just stating a fact). He needs your support more then anything at this point and all you can do is try to listen if he needs to talk, but give him the time and space that he needs while he's worrying about his mom.

I'm not quite sure how far apart Kilkenny and Sligo are and at the moment, i'm too lazy to look at a map to see, but if its like states apart, then to be honest, theres people that go off to college or people that are in seperate continents that make it work. It might be hard, but if you're both IN LOVE and are willing to put the time and effort into it, then you'll make it work.

How often do you get to see him? Meaning, is it once a month, every weekend, just on holidays, during the summer? When? Cause if its once a month or even just weekends, then you might be able to make it work. Its just the matter of putting the time and effort into it.

Also, i'm not quite sure what you mean by he wants everything 50/50 now? I mean, if you've only been dating for 7 months, then he shouldnt be paying more then you and you shouldnt be paying more then him. To be honest, 50/50 sounds best at this point in the relationship.

And i'm not quite sure what you mean when you say you're down to 1 phone a nite. Is that one phone call? If so, it could always be because of his mom. But maybe you can do little things for him like sending him text message every now and then...

As far as the affection goes, when you and him get some time face to face to talk--you might wanna talk to him about that when he's not so stressed with his mom. Is he shy at all? If so, that might be part of the reason, but ask him why he doesnt initiate any of the affection and you always do? One of the main factors in a relationship is communication and if you dont communicate that to him, then nothing will change and he wont know. He's not a mind reader--which is why you need to tell him how you feel about that.

Good luck

Beruthiel

Guest12 wrote:

you see he says he loves me but yet since day one it has always been 50/50 with drinks & meals, even to the extent that he has asked me for my share.....

That's cos this isn't the 1800's and women are now equal to men. Equal to men means you pay your equal share.
From what you say above it sounds like you expect him to do the paying. Why? Why do you think he should do that exactly? Have you actually thought through what you are expecting here?

last weekend he even cut all contact to one phone at night making me feel he was pulling away, he saya he loves me but is he just with me for the sake of it, it is always me who has to initiates affectio even to the simple kiss....I do think the world of him and his mother is in hospital which I do understand he`d be worrying about her, but I still feel he is pushing me away and doesn`t want to be with me.....

Have you talked to him about your worries?
Can I ask what age you are?

onemanband wrote:

Nothing worse that a tight arse guy with no sense of chivalry. Once a tight wad always a tight wad

Are you saying you too also expect a man to pay more than you on a date?
I'm appalled that women still think like that in this day and age.

Maple

Guest12 wrote:

I know what your all saying, I`m not in any way competing for his time against his mother`s , what I would like if he would be more closer to me as it is hard when there is distance involved, I am in Kilkenny and he in Sligo. It`s not about the money at all but do appreciate all your comments.

ah now i get it. i think. is it that he's going through a tough time and instead of letting you in to help comfort him he's now reduced down your daily contact to one phone call a day? you're frustrated that he's not opening up to you?

all you can do is sit tight, just send him little texts or emails to say hello and that you're always here for him to talk to. his head is probably wrecked over his mum and he's just becoming more businesslike and remote in order to deal with it.

CaroleLynch

I think the OP is feeling very insecure in her relationship and doubts her boyfriend actually loves her. These feelings are backed up by him never initiating affection, never treating her to a meal (and yes us ladies can treat you boys too - we all like to be treated now and again though) and the final nail in the coffin - reducing contact....

I think she is just concerned that he's not into her anymore and may have articulated it wrongly........

Guest12 - next time you're out having a meal treat him to it... just say "you can get it next time" - see how things go over the next few weeks and if they haven't changed by then, have a little chat....

For me the biggest problem would be him never initiating affection..... Was he always like this ???

Wanted

For me the biggest problem would be him never initiating affection..... Was he always like this ???[/QUOTE]


FFS I'm sure the guy shows affection, just not ALL the time..

CaroleLynch

Wanted - According to the OP she has to initiate affection all the time ...... And yes, I would have a problem if my bf never put his arm around me, kissed me or took my hand.... We're not starting a witch hunt against men here - so stop getting so defensive....

Wanted

CaroleLynch wrote:

Wanted - According to the OP she has to initiate affection all the time ...... And yes, I would have a problem if my bf never put his arm around me, kissed me or took my hand.... We're not starting a witch hunt against men here - so stop getting so defensive....

I take it you are single... what guy would want a girl that needed constant attention.. remember CaroleLynch girls tend to exaggerate the truth.. I'm sure the lad is not that bad.

CaroleLynch

Wanted wrote:

I take it you are single... what guy would want a girl that needed constant attention.. remember CaroleLynch girls tend to exaggerate the truth.. I'm sure the lad is not that bad.

Wanted, stop being so petty, you know I'm not saying I'd want constant attention, just that on occasion I would want my bf to show me some affection just to show me that he cares for me.....

The OP said she is the one to make the move ALWAYS which is what I based my reponse on.... Yes, maybe she is overly needy and demands a ridiculous amount of attention or maybe her bf never ever show her any affection for whatever reason.....

How about sharing some of your fantastic wisdom with the OP...

muppetkiller

Am I the only one here who thinks one phone call a day is plenty ?

CaroleLynch

I'm with you on that muppetkiller..........

Hrududu

Plenty of people just arent naturally affectionate. Maybe he is one of those.

About the 50/50 thing I don't know why this is an issue. Even if he doesnt have money problems why should he pay your way? Like someone said earlier its not the 1800s. Women and men are equal so why should he be the one spending all his money on meals.

Wanted

CaroleLynch wrote:

Wanted, stop being so petty, you know I'm not saying I'd want constant attention, just that on occasion I would want my bf to show me some affection just to show me that he cares for me.....

The OP said she is the one to make the move ALWAYS which is what I based my reponse on.... Yes, maybe she is overly needy and demands a ridiculous amount of attention or maybe her bf never ever show her any affection for whatever reason.....

How about sharing some of your fantastic wisdom with the OP...

Sorry feel asleep there... what was your point??

spinandscribble

im between counties with my bf. we might text or not text eachother each day or spend a 1hr chatting online. a phonecall a day is plenty, anything more and i personally wouldnt feel i had a life.
you think he doesnt love you because he doesnt pay for everything? girl unless your unemployed and your fella is rich i think you'll find this is usually the case. the odd treat is nice but dont expect what you dont give.
you're pushing him away by making these complaints. stop and think. give him space.

rubyred

My bf always tries to pay (he does earn nearly twice as much as me - not that that matters) but I feel bad so insist on paying myself or buying him a shirt or something to make up for it. I usually end up paying more than he does just so no one can accuse me of not paying my share. Might be a trick of his!!!

If a guy has money it's nice for him to offer to pay, but you should only let him every once in a while.

Was actually out for dinner last night. Couple beside me used the calculator on their phone to add up what each of them owed on the bill down to the last cent and they were in their 30s and wearing suits (i.e. had decent jobs). How scabby is that. They even divided up the tip.

CaroleLynch

Wanted wrote:

Sorry feel asleep there... what was your point??

Point..?? Oh I didn't have a point, I just wanted to you to read a few paragraphs of complete and utter BS.... That's how I get my kicks..

onemanband

Are you saying you too also expect a man to pay more than you on a date?
I'm appalled that women still think like that in this day and age.[/QUOTE]

I'm a man and yes I do think it is right for a man to pay more than a woman on a date. Not on first dates and not until a relationship settles down. Never once paying for a dinner or date after 7 months is not right IMO. This is obviously not the case if the man is tight for cash. I have explained this previously.

Remember in life the likely scenario for women is that they settle down with someone and have children. When children arrive the career of the woman is often affected as a choice is made either to give up work or work less hours. I am not saying that this is the way it should be, just the way it is practically.

In these situations the man becomes the main breadwinner. Some men in these circumstances use money as a control mechanism. Some men are just plain tight gits. I think it is important for a women to know she is marrying/settling with a generous man who will provide properly for his family. That's why for me it is not being old fashioned. Or maybe it is and it's just me who thinks like this!!

sweet-rasmus

well, perhaps his family have always taught him to handle his money and save etc. it's probably his natural instinct to pay his share, and you yours. i'm the same with my other half. you shouldn't let this bother you. it's the real world and men can't shower us ladies with gifts all the time!