Annoyed with my Mum

FranchisePlayer

Well here goes as some of you know my brother nearly 6 months ago and it totally shook our family anyway ever since my brother passed away my mum has just basically been telling everyone she meets how bad my brother looked when he died what weight what he said basically really private stuff
Know I'll admit I have told some people That my brother had passed away but not private details like my mum does and another thing that pisses me off is if I am having an argument with my mum she will say anything to hurt me really bad things like stuff I did wrong by Tom.
It just really pisses me off that she is willing to tell everyone our business and go down to really low level by saying stuff I did wrong by Tom:( and many a time I have challenged her by saying "why are telling that person Tom's business He would not have wanted it" then she just replies "well he is not here is he"

Well what I am trying to say is there any way I can stop mum doing this stuff I know she is a adult but I just do not think it is right.

Carrigart Exile

Sounds like your mum is numb from grief, in fact it sounds like you both are. Its easy to take comfort from being snippy with each other; is there another family member who could 'call round'.

Beruthiel

Don't take it bad Franchise, it's just her way of trying to get through this. She needs to say it out loud, she can't hold it in, it's too difficult for her to do so. Saying it all out to someone who will listen is part of the healing process for her. For you this stuff is private, for her, not so much. Everyone deals with this differently.

another thing that pisses me off is if I am having an argument with my mum she will say anything to hurt me really bad things like stuff I did wrong by Tom.

This is harsh, what's more, she's probably not even thinking about what she's saying here or the effect it's having on you. It's true what they say, we always hurt those we love the most.
Find a time when she is calm and you can have a quiet word in her ear.
Tell her that you understand the pain she is in with regards to Tom, but that you are here and alive and she is hurting you by reminding you of the things you did wrong with Tom. Remind her that this was part of being a brother to someone, rows will happen, that doesn't mean that you did not love him or him you. Tell her she is hurting you and you want her to stop. Be sure to stay calm during this discussion so that she takes on board what you are saying and thinks about it.
Remember, your mother loves you, but she is in great pain, you both are. She lashes out sometimes, but she doesn't mean it and she doesn't mean to hurt you. Grief is doing this to her.
Can I ask, did ye go to a professional for some family councilling?

Marksie

FranchisePlayer: My mum was spouting very much the same stuff about my father when he died. I guess its their way of expressing things. It was total babble but necessary on her part.
As for the comments about your percieved actions though, maybe you could just quietly tell her how its making you feel and that you are grieving too.

all the best
Mark

Fids

Hey
I lost my bro 7 months ago and since then all the relationships within my family have changed some have improved and some have unfortunately deteriorated!!! I sat back and watched this for some time and realised that there is no common way to deal with the loss of a loved one. We all do it differently.... I took on the philisophical approach, my sister became the carer and minder of his grave, my mother just became overwhelmed with anger and bitterness and my father is self-pitying!!! I do have a point here and it is that she has found this way to deal with her grief and there is nothing apart from argue with her that u can do...... All I wud suggest is that you find a way to not allow her actions provoke negative reactions from you as this will just make your life more difficult.

When my mom does or says things that hurt or annoy me I look to the sky and say "Jaysus Dave look what you've done, and smile at him" I just try live my life to make him proud and that keeps me potterin along nicely.

Good luck and mind yourself

Fids