emotional blackmail

LegacyUser

Im with my boyfriend 9 months now, we met in college. Over the summer myself and him are apart due to work and us living so far apart, and we have agreed to visit each other every weekend. This weekend is my turn to visit him. However, my sister has asked me would i stay this weekend and help paint a couple of rooms in her house as she's just gotten a new extension done, and shes expecting a third child. In exchange, she has offered free booze and food for both of us and he would be staying with me in mine BUT, this is the problem, is it sad that i'm worried about tellin' my boyfriend because i know he'll freak out? He has some sort of history with this with me where if i break plans all hell breaks loose. I turned down the chance to go see pink in malahide castle with my friend because i know my boyf would just moan that he wouldn't get to see me.

I also turned down the oppertunity to study in spain for awhile, something I had my heart set on even before I met this guy. He said I clearly didn't love him enough if I would just go to spain and leave him. It would only have been for six months with a month at home in between so it wasn't like it was the end of the world and I would have had to come home to finish college so it's not as if I would have just stayed over there leaving him. His moaning and arguing lasted for months.

I'm already trying to think the best way to "break the news" about this weekend but in fact, has all hope been lost on me if i'm already thinking this way? Why should i feel like i can't tell him if he's supposed to love me? Whats my problem here? I do love him so it's not as easy as just walking away, simple as.

Beruthiel

banannaphone wrote:

I'm already trying to think the best way to "break the news" about this weekend but in fact, has all hope been lost on me if i'm already thinking this way?

I would think so.
There has to be give and take in any relationship if it's going to work. Your sister needs your help, she has offered free food and booze for the work, he is still included in the plans, if he has a problem with that, he can stay at home.

He said I clearly didn't love him enough if I would just go to spain and leave him

:rolleyes:
Seriously, do you intend to put up with this type of behaviour forever?

spinandscribble

he's acting like a spoilt child. if it was me i'd tell him what your sister said and if he freaks, cut ties until he contacts you. you're letting him walk all over you. stand up for yourself.
he shouldnt hold you back like this. you'll regret not going to spain in years to come.
if it was me i'd dump him.

Vinnie K

By the sound of it your still young, but look at it with some real perspective, do you see this relationship last long, do you think your gonna marry him, you know what its like now, if it continues this way id say it turn out to be a seriously controling relationship in the futher, either sit down and talk to him or cut ties,

00112984

OP- you've only been with him for 9 months and you're letting him dictate very important aspects of your life; friends, family and study.

Are you really that desperate for a man that you'd let him walk all over you?

boffin

Although this is a little issue I think it shows a much bigger issue...I would consider your bfs behaviour to be very controlling and I'm guessing its prob gotten worse and more petty the longer you have gone out.

Although this is just going on one post so if I'm off the mark then apologises but....

I'm guessing you are under 25 and my opinion would be that if you are going to last the distance I believe you have to both allow each other to experience the things you want to do (such as spain) while you don't have kids, mortgage etc. If you don't you may find yourself in a couple of years resenting him beacause you haven't lived your life to the full and experienced everything you can.

You enabled this behavior because you allow it. Stop not going to things just because you want to avoid an argument or you will find that in 10 years you will have a very quiet life and not much to show for it except him.

blah

I don't think anyone here's going to encourage you to follow his demands.
You're still young, and learning about life (aren't we all) and you should be experiencing different things, like taking some time out and going to Spain. You shouldn't put up with this behaviour from anyone.

I think you should tell him you're helping your sister out and if he objects, make it clear that he's not behaving appropriately. Let him sulk and realise what he's losing.

Caliden

He sounds like a pure control freak. I very much doubt he would break up with you because he seems afraid of losing you (the trip to Spain for instance) so you can use this to your advantage and control him instead.

Put your foot down woman!

PeakOutput

banannaphone wrote:

I also turned down the oppertunity to study in spain for awhile, something I had my heart set on even before I met this guy. He said I clearly didn't love him enough if I would just go to spain and leave him.

i didnt read any further than this but seriously you need to tell him to F**K RIGHT OFF. If HE loved you enough he would accept that studying abroad is something you want to do to better your life.

i heard a long time ago that truly loving someone is the ability to let them go......or something along those lines

chuck him to the curb imo

azezil

banannaphone wrote:

However, my sister has asked me would i stay this weekend and help paint a couple of rooms in her house as she's just gotten a new extension done, and shes expecting a third child. In exchange, she has offered free booze and food for both of us and he would be staying with me in mine BUT, this is the problem, is it sad that i'm worried about tellin' my boyfriend because i know he'll freak out?

Ok, first off, there's something seriously wrong with your relationship if you can't have open and honest discussions with your bf for fear of him throwing a little hissy fit if things don't go his way. How old is he, I merely ask because he sounds very immature, he's in college, so he can't be *that* young, certainly old enough to have some 'cop-on', with the ability to talk about things rationally? One would hope! :S

Secondly, thats a damn good offer, why the hell wouldn't he accept it, you get to spend time together and get free food and booze!?

I turned down the chance to go see pink in malahide castle with my friend because i know my boyf would just moan that he wouldn't get to see me.

You should have gone, let him moan if he wants to, if you keep bending to his will he'll keep doing it, tough love needed here, you can't justify his little tantrums by giving in, no matter how much you love the guy!!

I also turned down the oppertunity to study in spain for awhile, something I had my heart set on even before I met this guy.

Thats just incredibly stupid, if you've you heart set on doing something you should do it, don't let anyone hold you back, certainly not someone who says...

He said I clearly didn't love him enough if I would just go to spain and leave him.

Thats utter bull****, if he truly loved you he'd want you to be happy, weather that be with, or without him!

I'm already trying to think the best way to "break the news" about this weekend but in fact, has all hope been lost on me if i'm already thinking this way? Why should i feel like i can't tell him if he's supposed to love me? Whats my problem here? I do love him so it's not as easy as just walking away, simple as.

Look althou you love him, you can't be a door mat, if you don't stand up to him he'll just continue to walk all over you. I'd tell him about the offer and say you you really want to go, if he throws a little hissy fit, ignore him, go anyway, that'll show him you're not going to take his bullshít anymore.

Grow a spine dammit!

STaN

Somebody is whipped! Sounds like your boyfriend has all the control! Fair play to him lol.

You should live your life and stop clinging onto this controling guy who is just looking after himself - never mind YOU!

A relationship should all be about both people giving something not getting!:eek:

Mr. Incognito

what a great relationship you have.

So in 9 months,

You have given up trips to concerts with your friends.

Given up a trip to Spain.

Are timetabled to suit him.

Oh sure he sounds like a catch. i had a girlfriend like this once who invited herself to a trip to Boston with me. Worst holiday ever. I would walk asap or you'll be 46 asking for permission to leave the house and he'll be vetting your friends.

Maple

You're already on the slippery slope because you're afraid to tell him things because of the hissy fit that he will throw. Your boyfriend (and i'm sure he does have his good points, why would you be with him otherwise) is a control freak. Plain and simple. He wants to know that he is the centre of your world 100% of the time. Continue like this and you'll be worn out and weary of life.

Stand up to him, don't cancel plans with your friends. You have your life to live and a relationship shouldn't be an oppressive place to be with you walking on eggshells around him. You must be feeling so tired.

Stand up to him, hopefully he will get the message that you're not going to allow his childish behavior any longer. If he doesn't then you'll have to think about putting yourself first and consider ending the relationship. Part of you might be flattered that he loves you so intensely but its not healthy. He shouldn't be stopping you doing things that you want to do.

On another note is there any way that you could now go study in Spain? You will regret not having gone for the rest of your life and resent the hell out of him.

r3nu4l

OP, you've given up some fabulous things at his demand or just to keep the peace so he won't go nuts at you. What exactly has he given up for you? If I'm right, there's not much!

I really think you need to discuss this element of your relationship with him. There's nothing more to say really.

LegacyUser

P45 Toime.

Simple as ...

Stench Blossoms

I was in a relationship like this and I got out as soon as I realised how controlling he was. (I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks and I had to go to Galway for a reunion and he flipped)

There's no point in being in a relationship where your afraid to talk to your partner about something as small as having to help your sister out.

limklad

banannaphone wrote:

all hell breaks loose.

I turned down the chance to go see pink in malahide castle with my friend because i know my boyf would just moan that he wouldn't get to see me.

I also turned down the oppertunity to study in spain for awhile, something I had my heart set on even before I met this guy. He said I clearly didn't love him enough if I would just go to spain and leave him.

His moaning and arguing lasted for months.

Emotional blackmail in a relationship is no way to live.
Personally I think, It is time for you to finish this relationship for your own sake. Confronting people like this is not easy, because when they use emotional blackmail over and over on you. They (emotional Blackmailers) are the most devious types of all bullies, as they behave like the victims, and behaving like everybody else is hurting them, therefore getting what they want. They know how keep it going to twist and turn everything back on you and change yours and others perceptions about what is really going on. The only person wins here is the blackmailers.
To get out of this relationship is to say you are not happy and you fell out of love. There is alot of better fish in the sea.

If he truly loves you, he understands and he gives you your own space for you to do your thing and visa versa. Relationships are not meant to be like straight jackets attach to us.

We have a short lifespan on this earth and to be afraid, harass or to blackmail is not enjoying life the way we want to and to unwilling to do other bidding.

But I am not you and every situation is different albeit with some familiarities to other situations.
So I say this for you to decide:
Do you want to continuing to live life this way with him?
If you truly love him then you would love to have him around. Do you?

You only you can answer this if you are truthful to yourself.
Do you want this type of relationship you want to continue?
Do you want this life for the rest of your life especially when he brings "all hell" around you?
If you want to continue this relationship then you will have to confront him about his behavior and start redefining your relationship with him.

Dudess

is it sad that i'm worried about tellin' my boyfriend because i know he'll freak out?

I wouldn't use the word "sad" but it's not good.

What a spoilt, selfish brat he is. And I'm gonna be tough here, but you really should not have missed out on the concert or the six months in Spain, when that was something you had your heart set on. Ultimately those were your decisions. You're not to blame for him being a pig, but denying yourself stuff you want to do for his sake is playing right into his hands. And missing out on social events with your friends may cause problems between you and them - don't let that happen whatever you do.

I'm already trying to think the best way to "break the news" about this weekend

Break the news? That there's a slight change of plan but he'll still get to see you AND get some free food and booze into the mix. I wouldn't mind some bad "news" like that!
He doesn't love you - not in a healthy way. He wants to possess and control you. His appalling behaviour makes it clear he's a complete shít.

Either a) sit him down and tell him firmly all you've sacrificed and how utterly unreasonable he's being, and how he has to change or it'll be time to "review" things. Or b) break up with him.
If a) doesn't work out (and I suspect that's the likelihood) then you really should do yourself a favour and go for option b).

You may love him but you obviously don't love yourself a whole lot if you're willing to take that kind of shít. So you really need to work on feeling good about yourself. I can guarantee you, if your self-esteem improves, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.