Dumped again

LegacyUser

I am a male, mid forties. About six weeks ago my girl friend of two years moved out. I have been trying to hold it together since then but it is getting worse. I feel constantly suicidal. The loneliness, sense of failure and isolation is killing me.

This was my fifth serious relationship and they all ended the same way. I have tried to learn from each one. After my six-year marriage broke down I ended up in hospital which lead to two years of psychotherapy. It was extremely painful and with hindsight I don’t think it made much difference. I have tried extremely hard in past relationships to support and nurture. I was considered to be loyal,generous and witty but not at the end and not now.

I am obese, have no social life, no confidence and I am extremely shy and private. To save my life I couldn’t make small talk with anyone. I go from work to home and back again. I have no friends or family to turn to. I feel that is my lot in life and it’s not worth it. I have so much baggage now I am convinced I will never be able to relate to people again.

ntlbell

Dump wrote:

I am obese, have no social life, no confidence and I am extremely shy and private.

what do YOU think is the problem?

Spud83

If this was your fifth serious relationship you must be doing something right at the start. So dont think verything is as bad as it seems now. Dont put all your worth in relationships, I have a feeling that this relationship was your entire life. I think to have a successful relationship you must have a life outside of it as well. So try building that first.

Get out there and start enjoying life, the good times will soon come.

PeakOutput

ntlbell wrote:

what do YOU think is the problem?

bit harsh but i agree what have you possibly got to lose by not being shy????

push yourself outside your comfort zone ....even way outside and you will realise its no where near as hard as you thought

ntlbell

PeakOutput wrote:

bit harsh but i agree what have you possibly got to lose by not being shy????

push yourself outside your comfort zone ....even way outside and you will realise its no where near as hard as you thought

I just noticed after I typed it might sound harsh.

It wasn't meant to, I honestly wanted to hear what HE thought was the issue.

Maple

Do something about your weight, its not good for your self confidence and its not good for your health either. the better you feel about yourself the more your confidence will grow. get yourself a hobby that takes you outside the home, turn your focus outwards rather than inwards.

mikemac

Dump wrote:

I am obese, have no social life, no confidence

Despite all this you are still able to start many relationships so you are certainly far ahead of some of the other posters that start threads here.

Hmm......I don't have helpful advice but you are obviouly doing something right to attract your girlfriends in the first place.
Maybe go for a nice long walk and work out in your head what you did right and what went wrong to cause the relationship to end.

Hell, why not ring up the ex and ask what went wrong so if you are making the same mistakes over and over again, at least you'll know for next time

Beruthiel

Dump wrote:

I I was considered to be loyal,generous and witty but not at the end and not now.

Are you saying that you seem to change somewhere along the way in these relationships?

I am obese

Why? What have you done to change that?

have no social life

Again, why?

no confidence and I am extremely shy and private.

Time to do an assertiveness course

I feel that is my lot in life

It is if that's how you allow yourself to think.
There is so much you can do with your spare time outside of work, you are limited by your imagination.
There are courses and classes you could join, hell you could go down the village and join the team on the tidy towns and help clean up.
Most charities need help and are always glad of an extra hand.
In the process of doing any of the above you will meet people, some could become friends.
One thing's for sure, doing just about anything is better than sitting at home looking at the four walls and feeling sorry for yourself.

I have so much baggage now I am convinced I will never be able to relate to people again.

I would have thought the more life experience you have the more you can relate to others.
If your baggage is getting you down, get yourself off to a professional and talk it through.
Life is what you make it.

LegacyUser

'

ntlbell wrote:

I just noticed after I typed it might sound harsh.

It wasn't meant to, I honestly wanted to hear what HE thought was the issue.

I accept that, I know it appears to be whinging but I feel that this is my situation, that I am as likely to change my traits as I am to change my skin colour now.

alanmurphy83 wrote:

If this was your fifth serious relationship you must be doing something right at the start. So dont think verything is as bad as it seems now. Dont put all your worth in relationships, I have a feeling that this relationship was your entire life. I think to have a successful relationship you must have a life outside of it as well. So try building that first.

Get out there and start enjoying life, the good times will soon come.

Good point. It had to be my entire life, that was a common thread. I felt it I didn’t put everything into the relationships then partners became dissatisfied. It became a vicious cycle I cannot break.'

Marksie

Dump wrote:

'
I accept that, I know it appears to be whinging but I feel that this is my situation, that I am as likely to change my traits as I am to change my skin colour now.

Oh yes you can,traits change. They even change naturally over time as a person develops... were you the same person at 18 that you are now? Were your character traits the same?

It all depends on you, none can change the traits except yourself but you have towant to change them.
You have highlighted several points about yourself..... pick one which is the biggest issue and take steps to change it.

Dump wrote:

'Good point. It had to be my entire life, that was a common thread. I felt it I didn’t put everything into the relationships then partners became dissatisfied. It became a vicious cycle I cannot break.'

Really, did they say that?
Why did it become a vicious cycle? repeat patterned behaviour? Again you have allowed this situation to develop knowing full well that that was an issue.
How we learn from our mistakes is as important as what we learn from our successes.
What altered in those relationships OP, was it a case of putting everything in at the beginning and then gradually letting it wane for whatever reason. In iother words the sudden whoosh of it then a gradual decline, rather than a consistent growing and changing.

OP: again...I get the inpression that it is your view of what a relationship shuld be and that projecting is occurring. Still, you have managed to have realtionships so there is definitely the ability to relate there. You may juts have to re-examine your self.

It is very muhc a truism that you and you alone are responsible for both your happiness AND unhappiness.

OK you say the psychotherapist wasn't much good. But what about exploring other avenues: Cognitive behaviour therapy, Life coaching for example.

Life is far from Dull or over in your forties OP. But you will have to do something about it

Caliden

The world is what we make of it. Life isn't easy and nobody is going to hand you everything you want on a bit silver platter, it doesn't work that way.

If YOU really want something you have to really want it and work for it.

biko

There are plenty of courses for people with self esteem, shyness and other issues. Hypnosis, NLP, etc.

Is the obesity a result of comfort eating?

Drift

micmclo wrote:

Despite all this you are still able to start many relationships so you are certainly far ahead of some of the other posters that start threads here.

QFT.

I'd agree with many of the other posters here in that I think you're suffering from a poor self image which in turn leads to a lack of self confidence which in turn is very unhelpful when you're trying to socialise. I would recommend working on the weight issue because if you do start losing weight you'll feel very good about yourself and that will shine through and you'll become more confident without even realising. Its important though that the reason you decide to lose weight is for yourself NOT for any potential partners. Its not the reason your relationships broke down but it probably is partly to blame for your poor self image.

If you find yourself getting in long term relationships you're obviously doing something right but I think now may be the time to set some other goals for your life (not just find a partner). Maybe take up dancing, or some other relatively mild form of exercise with a social aspect. It will kill two birds with the one stone - fitness + socialising. The key is to make a plan and pursue it. DON'T make your plan to find another woman make one to pick up a hobby and make friends.