paranoid boyfriend

LegacyUser

I don’t even know where to start with this, But I’ll try to explain as best I can.

The problem is my boyfriend is really paranoid, We’ve been together a long time, we’re in our 20’s. Generally everything is good,
but this problem rears its ugly head every so often.

In the beginning it was him thinking I’d been with his friends, His paranoia only ever happened on nights out when alcohol was involved and usually weed and pills in the mix too.
I never acted at all in a way that warranted this from him. I found it really baffling.

Other nights he’d start thinking friends were trying to set us up in some way, rip us off, having a laugh at us etc etc.
Thing is he continues feeling like this weeks months after the initial paranoid incident.

He even ruined a holiday we went on with friends one time, thinking that one of his friend was trying to keep him occupied while one of his other friends tried it on with me.
This is all in his head. Nothing of the sort was happening, We ended up spending the holiday alone away from the group.

He only tells me when he feels like this, He never confronts his friends. I guess this is because he’d see that he is being paranoid.
He tells me that I’m naive and too trusting of people that I can’t see when people are up to something/taking the p*ss. He believes 100% that he’s not paranoid.
I get a knot in my stomach when he brings up this stuff,
I try to get him to see things differently but he just gets annoyed that I don’t support his opinion on whatever incident/event he’s talking about.

At the moment he’s alienated himself from his friends and says he wants nothing more to do with them after a night out a few weeks ago.
This is actually a very brief description of the situation. I'd be typing all night otherwise.

Anyway Thanks for reading, any advice much appreciated.

spinandscribble

he needs to back away from the substances.

it could be this is the way he is naturally. sounds like a psycho to me. does he have ANYONE he says he trusts? he clearly doesnt trust you either

af_thefragile

All bf's are paranoid.. its just the way their brains are wired....

Its mostly cuz he might have had some bad experiences before or herd loads of stories of unfaithfulness. In all fairness what he feels like could come true too... No offense to you, but there are loads of instances where the gf ends up leaving her bf for another guy she had been "just friends" with all along....
Maybe i'm saying all of this cuz something vaguely similar just happened to me... but yeah, its quite normal of yer bf feeling paranoid.

This is also actually a bad sign. Your relationship could start going down hill if his issues are not sorta out. Best you can do is spend time with ur bf. Be with him as much as you can. Make him feel important, make him feel he means something to you and he's really important in ur life. Go out on a few nice dates with him. Just you and him.. It should build up his trust and confidence back in you and it should all be fine soon...

meglome

af_thefragile wrote:

All bf's are paranoid.. its just the way their brains are wired....

Emm I don't know what your experience with men is but in general I think you're way off with that statement. Although judging by the amount of drugs some people are taking then who knows. I can only speak for myself and those around me but I didn't ever see paranoia like the OP is talking about. When I'm ever parnoid myself I keep it to myself but again I'm not taking any drugs either.

As to the OP's problem she really needs to do something about this situation as it can only get worse. There is no sense to paranoia and left unchecked it will feed itself and grow nicely. It's not going to be easy though.

randylonghorn

af_thefragile wrote:

All bf's are paranoid.. its just the way their brains are wired...

No, tbh.

spinandscribble wrote:

he needs to back away from the substances.

By the sounds of it, he needs to back away at high speed (excuse bad pun )

Seriously, though, if he has a touch of a paranoid streak naturally, that unholy mixture is going to bring it to the surface big time.

Seems to me one of the problems is that he only tells you about these paranoid delusions, you say he "never confronts his friends" ... therefore you're the only one telling him he's paranoid, and therefore more easily dismissed as being wrong.

Any possibility of encouraging his friends to confront him about why he's ignoring them? That might push him into telling them what he really thinks, and at least then a few more people might tell him he's being paranoid. He probably won't believe them either, mind you, but if he hears it often enough he might begin to question himself eventually.

togster

Dont want to start a debate on cannabis use but i abused the substance. Smoked every day without my girlfriend knowing i did and i became really paranoid and nearly lost her. You see things much clearer when you stop and i suspect your bf has this problem too.

Zulu

togster wrote:

Dont want to start a debate on cannabis use but i abused the substance. Smoked every day without my girlfriend knowing i did and i became really paranoid and nearly lost her. You see things much clearer when you stop and i suspect your bf has this problem too.

same as, but I lost my girlfriend of the time.

ntlbell

I wouldn't be worried about the weed so much, but if he is the paranoid type anyway pills are going to (without trying to be too over dramatic) ruin this guys life, get him to give up the pills!

Wibbs

af_thefragile wrote:

All bf's are paranoid.. its just the way their brains are wired....

Hopefully tongue in cheek. BS all the same. If I was to say all GF's are paranoid, I'd get roasted, though I suspect there may be more heads nodding in agreement.....

OP Get him to lay of the pills and weed. A bad combination especially if someone is prone to paranoia. Weed on it's own can twist the susceptible around. add pills to the mix and all bets are off.

Bex01

I know what you mean there OP. My bf is the same, he doesn't do any drugs and he has stopped drinking but he is still major paranoid. I can't go out with my friends without about 7 calls a night checking up on me, and if I miss a call from him he goes nuts & says I must have been with other guys and stuff which is so untrue. I've never cheated on him & never will. We have had major rows over this & I've nearly ended it so many times because of this lack of trust.

azezil

Two possible answers:

1) Weed does make one paranoid, just ask him to quit using the stuff.

2) If he's that paranoid then perhaps he, himself is the untrustworthy one.

LegacyUser

He needs to get off the Ganja !
Then, see if there is any improvement.

meglome

Bex01 wrote:

I know what you mean there OP. My bf is the same, he doesn't do any drugs and he has stopped drinking but he is still major paranoid. I can't go out with my friends without about 7 calls a night checking up on me, and if I miss a call from him he goes nuts & says I must have been with other guys and stuff which is so untrue. I've never cheated on him & never will. We have had major rows over this & I've nearly ended it so many times because of this lack of trust.

Paranoia has a way of being a self-fulfilling prophecy, no matter what you do it justifies the paranoia in your bf's head. Personally it would really put me out to be checked up on constantly, I don't think I could tolerate it for very long. The bottom line is you shouldn't have to tolerate it and if he isn't willing to listen to any reason you probably should get out of there. Can his friends help?

Bex01

Your absolutly right Meglome, I have told him that if it happens again it will be the end of us, because Im not going to feel guilty for having a nght out with my friends or having a drink after work on a Friday. I hardly see my friends as it is.
His friends are actually worse then he is, their girlfriends have given up friends because they are not allowed out with them which is just a joke, i'd never do that now.

Maple

he has to give up the gear. it obviously doesn't agree with him. if he does that, great. if he doesn't then think about letting him go.

meglome

Bex01 wrote:

Your absolutly right Meglome, I have told him that if it happens again it will be the end of us, because Im not going to feel guilty for having a nght out with my friends or having a drink after work on a Friday. I hardly see my friends as it is.
His friends are actually worse then he is, their girlfriends have given up friends because they are not allowed out with them which is just a joke, i'd never do that now.

That's crazy. Is it drugs because people seem to be more paranoid than ever. Sounds like you'd have to sit with him the whole time even if you are out together. I've always had a lot of friends who are girls. But I don't cheat so I wouldn't be remotely happy to be told I couldn't see them, never mind not go out without my girlfriend. I have often stayed with friends who are girls and my girlfriend has no problem if she can't make it that particular night. Maybe I'm lucky but I'm friends with these girls for a long time so there is no way I'm losing them as friends.

Daithio

I used to take quite alot of pills, and smoked hash every day for about two years. I got fairly paranoid for a while, not really to the same level as your bf as I never told anybody about it, but I wasn't very happy at all. Anyway I gave it all up and the paranoia disappeared altogether after about 2 months. When I look back now on the way I used to think it's crazy the stuff that was going through my head.

Some people can handle taking alot of drugs and still keep things together, others can't, we're all different. Sounds like your boyfriend can't. Is there any history of mental illness in his family? If so he definitely shouldn't be taking any sort of drugs, and should keep the drinking to a minimum. If the paranoia doesn't go away once he gives all this up I'd recommend getting him to see a psychiatrist, it sounds pretty serious. Best of luck with it!

LegacyUser

Get him to his GP or a drugs counselor ASAP and make sure he´s ok

I used to cane the S=it out it on a regular basis, so did the people I socialise with.

I have seen two guys end up on medication and one seriously unstable and in ahome over the last three years.

It may be just a mild thing but he needs to get himself checked out and talk to somebody, if he doesnt do it early and worse case scenario he ends up with a chemical imbalance in his head, parnoid schizophrenia, a free bus pass and on medication for life.

If he wont go you talk to somebody else and make him. Do not let this be brushed under the carpet.

If he´s not enjoying it, give it up. I did. Once i realised i was doing drugs and uncomfortable around people I´ve known for 15 years it was time to stop.

jackal

This probably had very little to do with the drugs/drink other than allowing the feelings he naturally has to surface when his inhibitions are reduced.

I know a couple like this. The girl is naturally chatty (she is a hairdresser/beautician) and she could talk to a wall as its part of her job. She is 100% trustworthy. The guy is a teetotaller, doesent go near drugs or anything, but is the most paranoid asshole you could ever meet. She literally cannot go out without him. He comes out to girls nights out and sits there like a tit ruining it for her and everyone else. He forbid her to have a hen night before they got married. Complete control freak. Problem is she put up with it, kept the peace and he just got worse. She has lost all her freinds because he is permanently attached to her or worse accusing people of this and that. He wants her all to himself and doesent even trust her family around her when he's not there thinking they will be putting ideas in her head (he's right about that, they all hate him).

To the OP, dont put up with this behaviour from your boyfreind unless you can see yourself enjoying life with him and him alone, because he will drive away all your mutual freinds until its just the two of ye. Dont cover up for him, if he says crazy stuff like that, embarras him by repeating it to the people you are with. If that does not fase him, then consider getting out while you are still your own person. Its hugely disrespectful for your partner not to trust you. Its the very basis of a relationship. Why would you even be together if he does not trust you?

seamus

jackal wrote:

This probably had very little to do with the drugs/drink other than allowing the feelings he naturally has to surface when his inhibitions are reduced.

Not so much I think. The substances, particularly weed, can cause someone to feel paranoid irrationally. This usually only occurs when someone is using it over a prolonged period. The paranoia can persist outside of highs - he may be well able to supress it when sober, but the drink and drugs may then make it come out doubly so as you point out.

Evil Phil

Just as a matter of interest, what age group are we talking here? There is growing evidence that chronic cannabis use in young men can cause mental illness.

LegacyUser

Evil Phil wrote:

Just as a matter of interest, what age group are we talking here? There is growing evidence that chronic cannabis use in young men can cause mental illness.

We're both in our late 20's we've been together since we were 20.

jackal wrote:

Dont cover up for him, if he says crazy stuff like that, embarras him by repeating it to the people you are with.

I've often thought of doing this but chicken out, Afraid of the aftermath or worse even more paranoia.
I think I will next time this happens, might just be the wake up call he needs!

Thanks to everyone for all your advice

WindSock

Sounds to me like he has a touch of cannabis psychosis. Just remember-no amount of explaining or reasoning or proving will have him 'believe' you. You will only wear yourself out trying to do so. If he agrees to get help then stick by him, if not, then ask yourself if you can put up with it for as long as you think you will be together.

jackal

seamus wrote:

Not so much I think. The substances, particularly weed, can cause someone to feel paranoid irrationally. This usually only occurs when someone is using it over a prolonged period. The paranoia can persist outside of highs - he may be well able to supress it when sober, but the drink and drugs may then make it come out doubly so as you point out.

Thanks for that Seamus, eh...

Having prolonged experience with "substances" myself, I am aware of this paranoia condition. There is a difference between weed-induced-paranoia and being a control freak, and it is the latter which his behaviour sounds like to me. I could be wrong, I admit that, but the light recreational drug-use makes a convinient scapegoat if you are looking for one.

All this talk of cannabis psychosis relates really to people who smoke the really heavy modern skunk varieties which are up to 14 times as strong chemically as common hash in Ireland. They are becoming more available but are still pretty rare here.

In addition the OP did not mention chronic cannabis use, the only constant was drink. Quote: "His paranoia only ever happened on nights out when alcohol was involved and usually weed and pills in the mix too."

To the OP, chickening out doesent help either of you. It re-inforces the behaviour in him because he has gotten what he wants out of the situation - i.e. isolated you and him - and has not had to endure any negative reaction or scrutiny from his peers.

Not my place to say what you should or should not do with your relationship. Only thing I would advise is not allowing yourself to be cut off from your freinds. Insist on time out away from him with other people to try and keep a bit of perspective. If you start buying into his bull**** or playing along, who knows where it will lead - sleeping with the enemy style scenario or something.

pwd

I agree with the people saying he should lay off the drugs - and the drink too.
Smoking makes lots of people paranoid and the people who get paranoid from it shouldn't smoke. It can really mess up some people if they smoke it excessively.
Drink can make people crazy too; mess up judgement and so on.

The thing about smokers is: they often think the weed gives them greater insight and that other people can't understand what they can see - which makes them more alienated and arrogant in a funny way. They need to consider the ideas and insights that seem so profound to them stoned while sober to see the "insights" for what they are.

But aside from this
No one seems to have addressed the possibility that maybe from his point of view, or by his set of standards, his friends are genuinely transgressing. Sometimes single guys leech off their friends' gfs, because they don't feel able to approach girls themselves. Sometimes people have different ideas of where the boudaries are around members of the opposite sex who are off-limits.

Do his friends touch you much? Slag him off to you? Pay significantly more attention to you than they do to him, apart from when you are the natural focus of a conversation? Do they compete with him much in front of you? etc

But he should stay off the substances anyway. Maybe try to talk to him and say you'll try to see where he's coming from about seeing things you can't if he'll try to see where you're coming from about drinking and taking drugs too much.