is it a bad idea to get involved?

LegacyUser

hi all
i hope you could give me your opinions on this, esp if you've been in the same situation.
things got a bit messy with a friend of a friend a couple of months back. we often hang out in the same group, but wouldn't have been that close. one night there was only a few of us out, and we got chatting, just clicked and ended up kissing. this happened again and again whenever we saw each other until about two weeks ago he asked me out, we went for dinner and had a great time. we've met up a few times since and its been really good, we get on great and really fancy each other.
now, heres the problem. up to when he asked me out, he'd been going out with his g/f, been together for over 8 years. he'd always complained that things were gone a bit pear shaped (never in a way that made me think he was putting it on to lead me on), and other friends have spoken of this too.
my question is, should i get out now and not let things go any further? i'm afraid if he did this to someone else he could do it to me if we were to get serious. but as well, i know that its rare you'd meet someone you just click with like that.
what do i do? do i give it a chance? should i look on what happened as a warning or whatever we have with a clean slate?
p.s i know it was wrong to mess around with someone elses partner, but i don't know the girl. i'm just trying to look out for me and decide whether getting involved is a bad idea.

Wibbs

Hard one. It depends a lot on the individual circumstances. I will say that I don't think much of him waiting until someone else comes along before dumping a partner of 8 years. I mean if they were having major difficulties he should have broken up before now. Ask yourself why he stayed with her. There are some vaguely ok reasons, there are precious few good reasons and there are a lot of bad reasons. Basically the chances are he was stringing her along until he had a backup. Not a good character trait. Now they were together for 8 yrs so he doesn't seem to do this repeatedly so that's in your favour(unless he has ahd affairs before).

I would take it slow as you're in the perfect zone for a rebound. People often use situations like this to get over the ex with someone new, then get someone else or even the ex(I've been surprised by how often that happens). The honeymoon period(which is usually much shorter in reboundland) ends and they start looking elsewhere. The signs? He compares you to the ex far too much for comfort. He tells you you're so much better than the ex. That kind of thing. He tries to jump straight into serious relationship mode like he had with her. He tells you he loves you within a month or two. He starts planning way off in the future. Things basically happen far too quickly for a new relationship. All bad signs.

Basically take it slow and don't jump into a full blown relationship like the one he just came from(which is what he's used to).

Shanda

I would'nt look so far into the future. sometimes it takes the fun out of relationships if you over analyse them. Just enjoy it as it comes and cross that bridge when and if you come to it.

SarahSassy

So is he still with his gf of 8 years???? If so and Im not coming from a high moral ground area here but its a BAD idea!!!!!! Some men can be notoriously slow to finish with long term partners and generally end up having an affair... You are his bit on the side. Is that what you want for yourself?

LegacyUser

'thanks for your replies, yea, he'd broken up with her before he asked me out properly, although we'd hooked up in the months before.
we're just dating and i don't want to bring it up with him. it is early days, and i like him loads, i'm just looking for thoughts on how situations like this play out, as in is it likely he'll do this to me (i don't want to ignore it, go with the flow and then find myself hurt down the line when i might have stronger feelings)'

Wibbs

Unrsegistered wrote:

'thanks for your replies, yea, he'd broken up with her before he asked me out properly, although we'd hooked up in the months before.

So you were his bit on the side for a while at least?

we're just dating and i don't want to bring it up with him.

Good plan, keep it lightwieght for the moment anyway.

i'm just looking for thoughts on how situations like this play out, as in is it likely he'll do this to me

Who knows? Being the rebound is the thing to avoid. You don't want to become the bridge from his old long term relationship into a new long term relationship with someone else.

Tazzer

Unrsegistered wrote:

things got a bit messy with a friend of a friend a couple of months back. ..... he'd been going out with his g/f, been together for over 8 years. he'd always complained that things were gone a bit pear shaped (never in a way that made me think he was putting it on to lead me on), and other friends have spoken of this too..

How long do you know this person or friends - if you only know him a short while how do you know this hasn’t happened before?

Also 8 years is a long time for people to stay together, are they living together or have kids. Especially if there is kids involved it’s a whole different story.

Unrsegistered wrote:

what do I do? Do i give it a chance? Should i look on what happened as a warning or whatever we have with a clean slate?

i would suggest keeping clear for a while, as with all breakups each person needs a bit of time before rushing into anything new.

Also how do you know that he only liked the excitement of new person and not just you. These affairs have a habit of fizzling out - The Honeymoon Period. is it really love or infatuation?

Unrsegistered wrote:

p.s i know it was wrong to mess around with someone elses partner, but i don't know the girl. i'm just trying to look out for me and decide whether getting involved is a bad idea.

Of course it is wrong to mess around with someone elses partner even if you dont know the girl. not to take the high ground, but there is no guarantee that this man wont do this again if he has done it so easily with you.

If he does start seeing you openly the romantic feeling will soon be replaced by the everyday normality of a relationship, good times and bad. You might also have to deal with the fact that he'll be seeing his ex regularly (if they have kids) and the fact that if he's cheated once then there's the possibility that he'll cheat again.

You'll have to decide whether or not you really trust him.

I don't think it's worth it to be honest. There will always be that element of mistrust.

Mr. Incognito

Why do women put themselves in these stupid situations and then go making emotional messes of themselves.

He has a girlfriend. Back off. Simple.

SarahSassy

A) he is on the rebound and (B) he cheated on his long term GF. I would run a mile from him.