How would you react if a family member/friend admitted to being Transgender?

Filan

Ok I am slightly intoxicated...but as many in other forums know....I admitted a while back to my family...that I am...to some extent at least Transgender...and currently in Therapy..whether I want or need physical alteration I don't know..but I am certain..after 28 years of struggle...that I cannot live as a conventional male...family for the most part worried as to what others will think of them on account of me....Friends quite mixed...most knew something was wrong..but most didn't expect this.... I might well remain living as a male..but I will have to be different..because the male binary role just dosen't fit....quite isolated a lot...how would you feel?

Have known since about 20 that thing's were seriously out of sync...that I don't necessarily need a different body..but that I need to be different..because I feel different.

At times feel relatively composed.....at times feel I want to run and start again elsewhere..

Kind regards
Alan

LegacyUser

I've never felt I fitted 100% into the alpha male category either. I don't know if I can empathise with the severity of your transgenderism, but there have been many times when I've had thoughts about what it would be like to be a girl, and many times when I've felt ways which I'd think would seem more girl-like to me.

What areas would you be having difficulty in OP? In what ways would you feel that you need to be different?

the_syco

OK, I'd like to point out that I have no idea of what your going through, how it effects your brain, and does transgender mean your gay, or feel your a straight woman in a mans body, or what, but I'm not the one you should exaplin it all to. Its your parents. The boys and girls here will tell you of some organisation that will help you through this (I don't know the name).

I know theres some "if your son is gay, read this" document on one of the gay sites, and there may be something like it on the web, explaining what is going on inside your head.

I'd say your parents haven't a clue whats wrong with you, but if you explain to them that nothing is "wrong" with you, that you are just somehow different, they may handle it better.

I'd say that its just fear of the unknown.

Hmm_Messiah

HI Alan

I'd not use the word " admit" in the first place - it suggests there is something wrong and there isn't. More precisely there is something wrong because you are not yet content but there is nothing wrong with being who you are - it's that simple.

If a friend/family member told me, being honest, how it would appear to others would not really concern me. There would be pain, there would be worry - but only because of my wish for them to be happy and not experience hurt.

Hopefully together we'd turn things to the view point that acting on the conflicts would lead to a happier, more fulfilled time, an the first conversation would be the first step towards a better life for that person.

You would be amazed how much people will support some one they care for - and if the care is less than you need then be patient and wait for the people who will care for alan, not something they determine you should be .

I also wonder when I read your posts what you really are conflicted about, maybe its terminology you are getting in therapy but you often seem less inclined to the more defined needs of transgender, eg physicality etc and more that you don't fit what you call a binary gender role .

If thats the case - no such thing exists. society by its nature tends to categorise people , but its more for convenience than anything else. You can behave and feel in any way you want while still being completely male....
how you feel, think, are attracted to etc etc is just who Alan is . Maybe concern yourself more with who you are rather than what you are or are not

r3nu4l

Well since you asked how we would react if one of our family told us that I'll give my response.

I can honestly say that I wouldn't be bothered at all. I would be worried for that member of my family if they were as lost as you appear to be. If a male member of my family told me that he was positive that he should have been born in a womans body then I'd be happy that he knew that and would try to be helpful, encouraging and supportive.

Filan

the_syco wrote:

OK, I'd like to point out that I have no idea of what your going through, how it effects your brain, and does transgender mean your gay, or feel your a straight woman in a mans body, or what, but I'm not the one you should exaplin it all to. Its your parents. The boys and girls here will tell you of some organisation that will help you through this (I don't know the name).

I know theres some "if your son is gay, read this" document on one of the gay sites, and there may be something like it on the web, explaining what is going on inside your head.

I'd say your parents haven't a clue whats wrong with you, but if you explain to them that nothing is "wrong" with you, that you are just somehow different, they may handle it better.

I'd say that its just fear of the unknown.

what hurts most is that some family members are most concerned as to what others will think of them..because of me...and that I represent them...and represent them badly..don't necessarily think I was born in the wrong body..just into a society that dosen't recognise and accept variance as natural...and 'normal'...most of my family view it as sinister...I can't be a typical guy..perhaps I could be an atypical guy..but conventional male binary role..I just can't fulfil that...I can handle society thinking I'm weird..but my family..,my siblings..well that hurts a lot...think I'm very highly developed...very balanced in other ways..but they just don't recognise that...we are firstly members of our own families..and near unanimous rejection hurts..quite a lot

davyjose

Personally I would feel hurt and afraid. I do NOT want you to confuse this with passing Judgement; it is not. But you asked how I would feel if a family member/friend told me, and I would be hurt and afraid.
I think it would hurt because I would know that they are unhappy with who they are, that perhaps they are not who they thought I was, and terrified that they would change (i.e. undertake a sex change).
This might be an ignorant view, but it is not an unreasonable one, I don't think.

OP, i'm telling you this not to piss you off or hurt you, but maybe see things from another direction. This cannot be easy on your family.

Filan

That's ok...I don't expect..nor would it be natural for everyone to agree with me...different opinions are 'normal' and other people have a right to hold them.

It's a difficult one..whether to live one's own life..or to live a life that make's other people happy but not oneself..my brother is just afraid of standing out...on smaller issues also....he has always been terrified of standing out in a crowd...and I always have...

Most people always thought I was creative.. 'mad'...very different in a lot of ways...left wing..intellectual...but not different as in bad..just unusual...actually fairly popular in a lot of circles...because some people find the difference interesting

I just don't feel able to fit into the male binary gender role...that dosen't necessarily mean that I'll ever want to alter my body...but I know I can't folllow the conventional male path..because it just feels restrictive and uncomfortable in many ways...and I therefore relate to the transgender position...but that dosen't necesarily mean I'll do anything other than try to modify my lifestyle so that I feel more comfortable

I do empathise that it is difficult for my family..It would be for me if I was in their shoes...it's not something that the vast majority of people have any experience with...and fear of the unknown is natural...they have needs too..to balance theirs against my own is not easy

Victor

Filan wrote:

he has always been terrified of standing out in a crowd...and I always have...

I think everyone is afraid of being 'noticed' in a way that would make them feel uncomfortable. Its a bit like standing up in front of class and being made do something by the teacher and theres that horrible feeling inside you that makes you think "Oh crap, people are going to laugh at me because of this".

But then sometimes, there'll be a couple of people in the class who will think to themselves, "wow, he pulled that off admirably, I wouldn't have been able to do that".

Beruthiel

Filan wrote:

what hurts most is that some family members are most concerned as to what others will think of them..because of me...and that I represent them...and represent them badly..

These are also the kind of people who would think the same way if you were 'living in sin' or 'got pregnant outside wedlock', old fashioned in their views and more worried about their precious reputation than the family member they are supposed to love.
Yes, it hurts, but you know what, why would you care when they clearly don't about you? A caring person who loves you would do all in their power to help instead of thinking only of themselves.
I've always been of the attitude, if it makes you happy, that's all that matters in this life.

Marksie

Yes, i would echo what both Victor and Beruthiel have said. In that it is human nature to want to blend in to some extent... the "i'll get my coat" or "they are all looking at me" syndrome.

To a greater or lesser extent we are all guilty of that type of behaviour. There are aspects of myself which i hide from parents because of the above as while being happy within myself, they just wouldn't "get it". Hypocritical or sensible?

The extension of this is the..."what will people think of us?". Filian, you are right its not easy in your situation, you are balancing your families views against your needs.

In the end though this is an essential part of who you are. something you are coming to accept as being you. It is what makes you unique as a human and a person.

From that context, your families views have no context or bearing on the matter. In this instance it is encumbant on your family to support you.

MaryMagdalene

I hope I can help. There is 10 yrs between me and my older brother. When I was a teenager he made the decision to change from being my hero worshipped sister to an unknown brother. I accepted it but I did mourn the loss of my sister (ever since her name is unspoken, all photos never to be shown etc - his wishes). However, being from a large family there were various opinions. Parents were okay but some siblings (who were more conservative) found it the hardest. Don't get me wrong back in those days it wasn't spoken about outside the family - he was living in the UK (emigration was high anyway).

He is now happily married and expecting his third child (IVF obviously!). Slowly but surely the family is coming round. Now he comes to all family "do's" but there are issues around my nieces and nephews as some parents want to tell their children and yet he doesn't feel they have a right to know. However we live in a small town and rumours rule the day - people know and belive me people are VERY CRUEL. Their priorty obviously is to protect their children but don't want to hurt him.

There are a lot of things to consider but most of all you have to consider yourself. Your family will come round - just give them time and DON'T try to flaunt it in their face as this will have the opposite affect. Get councelling to help you to stay strong - whatever you decide it won't be easy but then life never is. Hope the fact that he found light at the end of his tunnell is of some comfort to you.

LegacyUser

ok, not sure if this is the best advice, but just a thought i had as, i have to admit, i cant relate exactly... when i hit about 12, i hit a really really bad spot in life... basically, anything that could go wrong, did. long story short there, i ended up with really really bad depression, cutting, eating disorders.. i was severely withdrawn, shy, minus zero confidence... basically a shell of a person, to be honest.

but after a few years, i ended up in counselling, and it has to be said, this cousnellour was my saviour. but as i started coming to terms with myself, and my personality started coming through, the quirkiness, the love of fun, games, the somewhat bizarre thought processes, the social awkwardness, but simultaneous bounciness... i really did become what you could call a 'new person'. everyone changes from age 12 - 18, but the changes here were huge.

but as i was starting to socialise in school and then going to college, meeting new people who only knew me as this more confident, more outgoing person, having a fresh start with all these new people.. that was great... i could be me.

but at home, with my parents, with my siblings... they knew the 'old' me, the depressed, miserable, 'victim' me, for so long... i found that whenever i was at home, i was falling back into the same role, the same traps. it was such an effort to be 'me' because they were so used to the old me, and found it hard to accept and deal with the person i had become.

i ended up moving out, needing distance from them, just that chance to sort myself out, sort my head out, the distance from them was just a necessary part of my (continuing) recovery.

now, things are great.. i visit them once a week, we talk and chat, but when im there with them, im fulfilling more of a 'visitor' role, as opposed to the 'daughter' role, meaning that i can avoid the trappings of those old rules, and my parents can learn to accept the new me, not by me being there 24/7, but just in little bits and pieces, visit by visit, week by week. i dont know how much of this (if any) can/will apply to your situation, but it could be worth considering, or adapting to your own situation.

hope this can help, otherwise, sorry for the long post *blush*

LegacyUser

Hi

My mam came out as gay (though i did have suspisions prior to this) a few years ago i was maybe 20/21. I am not saying this to put you off or anything i have always been opened minded and have a number of gay friends but this knocked me for six. It basically took one of the fundamental people in my life the whole time through growing up and change a core element of it. Now on a surface level i handled it pretty well, but it did have a serious impact on me from an emotional point of view. Of course i want her to be happy but then there are questions of why the **** are you only doing this now? why the hell if you were so unhappy did you not do something sooner? Was it my fault that you didnt?

There are also the issues of say if i meet a guy and its introduction to the parents time, i am not embarassed by it but at the same time its not something i am super keen on telling people the first time i meet them either.

Does any of this make any sense?

Filan

Thanks to all who took the time to respond...and to share your experiences..relate to most of what most of you say.... No easy answers..Mary Magdalene I think of your situation in relation to my nieces...what will they be told..that their uncle is...well something at least very different...and at most not your uncle...it isn't an issue now as they are both very young..but in time it will be...dosen't necessarily mean that I will cease to be Alan..but I have resolved that I need to live my life differently

However I have never really fitted into my family unit..for many reasons..this is just the latest..admittedly pivotal manifestation...but in short big age gaps..I'm by 7 years the youngest..very different life experience and have evolved into very different minds... I'm liberal...prepared to question conventions..whereas most of my family just accept things as they are...and that any variation..deviation is wrong and reprehensible..this is a source of huge frustration to me..when I have tried to explain that 'norms' have always been changing..they say that I am too deep for them to comprehend..In essence though as stated earlier they told me that they think I reflect badly upon them..they they will be judged in a negative light because of me..they are concerned primarily for their own reputation..this hurts...that who I am is a source of shame to them .

.I don't view myself as being wrong..or ill..or disturbed...just different....and I need to be...I am 28 ...and know myself now..had tried to suppress my feelings in an effort to fit in and conform...it just didn't work long term though..for a day yes..a week maybe...but I can't live my -life- being what other people want me to be..because it just feels very very bad. That dosen;'t mean though that I'm not sensitive to my families legitimate feelings ...I don't wish to bring shame or make any of them feel lesser..I really don't know how to balance our needs


Justathought..again I empathise...your not alone..I've heard of it happen fairly frequently...Oour family solicitor said that a client of his is seeking divorce...as his wife...in her -70's-..!has decided that she is a lesbian!..I can't speak for your Mum..Life is complicated...have you tried -talking to her-? ask her why she didn't act sooner? ..and you might both learn to understand, maybe not agree with..but understand each other a little

Anyway that's just my fallible opinion..unlike certain people...I am sometimes wronf..but I always mean well

Thanks again to all who have made the effort to respond

Regards
A

LegacyUser

'sorry what i was actually trying to articulate (rather badly) as it turns out, is that people may react in ways which really are not directly impacted by you, if that makes sense. So rather that it being an issue with you being transgender its more an issue with you changing?
Another thing to bear in mind is that unfortuntately there are a lot of bigoted small minded people out there, you have had time to adjust to this so that when you come out to your family (not so sure on the terminology tbh) they will not have of had the same amount of time to adjust and may require time. Similarly you have had time to deal with it, and a fact of life is that prehaps there are members of your family who currently cant deal with it, but in future may be able to do so.
Hmm rambing again, thanks for the advice but all i needed really was sometime to adjust, and the hardest thing for me was the expectation that i should be all okay with it all immediately. Its pretty much all sorted now.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do!'

Filan

Thanks Justathought..appreciate your words....and agree with your focus on 'allowing time'...We all need time to adjust to the unexpected

Made more difficult though by the fact that I'm very far from certain myself as to how best to deal with it. I know how I feel..but even how I feel varies depending on the situation..and situations vary!..even just to be a visibly different guy causes trouble employmentwise..a lot of complications....and some Transgenders who undergo operations look ridiculous...some look good..but some look like caricatues..determined that must never happen..so many complicating factors... and I don't really see the contradiction with being biologicaly male and strongly feminine..but society tends not to accept hybrida..even my Mum...who is the one semi developing tolerant figure...after time!...dosen't comprehend the concept of being masculine and feminine...said she'd prefer me to be one or the other! People tend not to comprehend that one can be both!

Anyway Thanks again to all..hope the weather is good your end
Alan

Slutmonkey57b

Probably not an answer you want to hear, but I've always been sceptical of transgenderism as anything other than a psychological issue, and I'm not supportive of the idea that physical surgery is a solution to a psychological issue. While I have no doubts that the transgendered have definite feelings that they would be more comfortable as the opposite gender, I don't support the idea that this means that they are the opposite gender, or can truly relate to what being that opposite gender is - and at a fundamental level, even a "successful" sex-change operation does not in fact change your sex - it's just plastic surgery on a large scale. If anything, I think the weight of support has gone too far on the side of transgenderism as an accepted practice - to the point that a 12 year old is on hormone treatments to prepare for a "sex change", which I just cannot see as a positive step for anyone. The idea that a 12 year old is physically or emotionally fully developed enough to need, or should be exposed to a harsh regime of chemical manipulation is irresponsible and bordering on reprehensible. For me, transgenderism is now so caught up in sexual politics that it is seemingly beyond question or criticism. To make the analogy that people uneasy or unaccepting of transgenderism are the same as homophobic people is misleading. To say "I am a woman in a man's body" is not at all the same as saying "I am a man who likes men".

the_syco wrote:

I'd say your parents haven't a clue whats wrong with you, but if you explain to them that nothing is "wrong" with you, that you are just somehow different, they may handle it better.

I'd say that its just fear of the unknown.

This is a good example of what I'm talking about. Is nothing "wrong" with the OP? If you were to walk into a doctor's surgery and say "I really feel I'm supposed to be a cripple, please cut off my leg." you would get refused - you would be diagnosed with a mental condition that should not be treated with physical surgery.

(from a rather hyperbolic salon.com article, but the quote I think is important)
http://archive.salon.com/health/feature/2000/08/29/amputation/index.html

"It's meshugeneh -- absolutely nuts," said medical ethicist Arthur Caplan, turning to Yiddish. "It's absolute, utter lunacy to go along with a request to maim somebody."

Caplan, the director of the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Bioethics, explained that such an amputation would violate the Hippocratic Oath in the extreme. "The cure is not to yield to the illness and conform to the obsession. And this is not just about 'do no harm.' It's also about whether (sufferers) are competent to make a decision when they're running around saying, 'Chop my leg off.'"

I would lean towards the latter view - a patient saying "I really think I'm supposed to be a woman" is not justifiable reason for doctors to prescribe a course of surgery. If "I really want to be a cripple" is not a justifiable reason, then I don't see that "I really want to be a man/woman" is either.

Victor

And that I suppose is why it can be difficult.

Filan

I'm actually a little sceptical of terminology and the idea of being born in the wrong body myself. That's why I have reached the conclusion the socialy constructed binary gender system is my main grievance. Behavioural variance is deemed wrong and sinister..I personally think that variance of all sorts is natural...society conditons conformity...because conformity asists functioning. Apparently 80 years ago the concept of a woman wearing a trousers was considered outlandish..the female dress code one could argue has over the past one hundred years become masculinised!...what is a kilt..does it not resemeble a skirt? What is so wrong really if a guy does want to wear a skirt or a woman a tie? There was a long standing tendency in this and most countries to deride and stigmatise anyone who was in anyway outside the average....for whatever reason.. who decides what the right way is for a man and a woman to behave? Are we all not a matrix..the same ingredients..just in varying quantities?

So yes the concept of sex change is not something I personally believe in..yes it is just cosmetic surgery.,.which many people engage in for many purposes..it isn't really that harmful in most cases.. I think the binary systems..the rules and regulations of society restrict individualism..prevent people from expressing themselves ...and emotional problems develop. Males with many typical female tendencies tend to feel that they were born in the wrong bodies due to these restrictions on male conduct..and visa versa... The artifiical and culture specific nature of the binary system is demonstrated by the varyong gender roles...in different societies..and during different ages.

That is however just my opinion..I don't claim to speak for anyone but myself and I know my views are not shared by all under my umbrella..but that's my theory

Slutmonkey57b

The problem with that is that the "binary system" as you term it is a very powerful force in human development, at a genetic level - while a lot of societal pressure is exerted on people to assume "normal" forms against their own preferences, I don't agree that it follows that society prevents them from doing so. Again, the issue of transgenderism may be superficially similar to the issues surrounding cross-dressing, or sexuality, but I think it is fundamentally a very different problem and the same standards of "society's not letting me fit in" do not necessarily apply.

In any case, good luck with your future wherever it takes you.

Filan

thanks ..society may not prevent people from non-conforming..but it certainly -'disadvantages'- those who don't...

The human mind...and I won't prejudice animals..all minds...and all behaviours are complex..not as neat and tidy and the labels and charts in books will tell us.

I've learned..as a former Psychology student myself..that labels are incredibly misleading and over-used..perhaps transgender is the wrong term for me.. I used it for convenience...I prefer the term 'Variant' ..and that is in my view very natural...