What does she want???

LegacyUser

So, I went out with this girl a while back. We were friends at first for a short while before we hooked up. We were together for two months before she broke it off quite suddenly and unexpectedly, saying she ‘just wasn’t feeling it anymore’ and that she thought we were ‘different people.’ There was no big fight or exchange of insults or anything. It had been a great two months, we had a few disagreements and misunderstandings of course but on the whole I was really happy with her and thought she was too.

I was pretty disappointed as I felt things were only really starting to get going between us, but I dealt with it and tried to move on. She texted me once or twice in the days after we broke up and I told her politely but firmly that there were no hard feelings, she did what she had to do, etc., but that I didn’t want to be friends with her as it would just be too hard for me (I was being honest with myself, I still had feelings for her and would just be holding out hope that she would take me back). She eventually agreed that she was ‘kidding herself’ that we would be friends and would settle for us being civil to each other.

We didn’t see or hear from each other for a few weeks after that. Until the other night, we’re both at a mutual friend’s party and she gets talking to me. She said that she ‘really missed me as a friend and everything else’ (?) and told me she had written me a four-page note after we broke up, which she never got around to giving to me and has since mislaid. She said that in the note she thanked me and said how much she appreciated ‘little things’ I had done/said while we were together. She also said all her friends had given her a load of grief for breaking up with me (I had met them shortly before she broke up with me and we got on very well). She was a bit tipsy but was sobering up as the conversation went on and she was acting quite affectionate to me the whole time, touching my arm, taking my hand, etc.

I reiterated why I didn’t want to be friends, said that I would only be reminded of what I had lost every time I saw her/spoke to her. She said that she didn’t want to me to think that the relationship hadn’t meant much to her. She then started putting herself down, saying she ‘didn’t think I had lost that much’ and had been ‘saved a lot of grief and trouble in the long run.’ (When I first asked her out, she had said something about me being ‘too nice for her’ as well).

I kept the conversation going for as long as possible but I didn’t at any stage come out with ‘so do you want to get back together then’ as I would have felt stupid and awkward had she said no. When we were going out it was always difficult to tease out of her something she really wanted to say, it was almost as if she wanted to me say it for her.

I’m trying to be as objective as possible with this. On the face of it I keep thinking she just wanted to tell me ‘thanks’ for being good to her while we were together and is just looking for closure and peace of mind for her own sake and trying to make me feel better. But the stuff she said at the party that I mentioned above has me thinking she might want to give it another go, which is something I’d be up for if she was serious about it. I’d hate to think the real reason she broke it off with me was her own low self-esteem. And while it was nice to hear that stuff from her, I still don’t want to be ‘just friends’ as I still do have feelings for her and it would just be torture for me, especially if she started seeing someone else.

So how can I get to the bottom of this? Any thoughts appreciated.

Wibbs

Difficult. I would say forget or largely ignore what she says, instead look at what she does. If she wants you back you'll know it. You don't need to be waiting and wondering what's what. It's bad enough in a relationship and almost impossible in your situation.

Even regarding what she has said, it seems to me like you're in the friend zone with possible chances for more. It could be she's lonely and you're the fall back guy. She wants you there "just in case".

Don't be too quick to believe the whole "you're too good for me" etc. It's an excuse IMHO. It's a variation on the old "it's not you it's me" BS.

I would say, play it very cool, don't pander to her thoughts of friendship too much and see what she does.

Black Swan

Invite her to lunch. Share your feelings, and encourage her to share hers. Ask her if she would like to have another go. If she says no, then move towards closure. Say goodbye and mean it. Then move on.

DRakE

Despite anything you say, you are wrong.

Such is the way of the woman.

Carrigart Exile

Your strategy of complete avoidance where possible is the right one. She sounds a head messer, run and don't look back.

Maple

run far away from this one. she's a manipulative handbag. she's broken up with you but yet wants you to reassure her that she's not a bad person. if she was anyway decent and wanted to get back with you she would have contacted you after the party to apologise for being such a head melting mess. as it is she had blurted all this out and left you with the emotional fall out. i'd run very far away if i were you.

py2006

I have to agree with the the 2 posters above! Run like the wind!

She is only messing with your head! People break up for a reason!

Getting back with an ex is RARELY a good idea!

It will wreck your head immensenly and prolong the hurt!

stooge

I agree totally. Life is too short to be spending time in messy relationships with head melting women. Ive been in similiar situations and its not good for your health.

Find someone with no baggage. Her friends sound nice....

Wibbs

Avoidance is the way to go. For two reasons, one you'll get over her quicker and it will peak her interest. We always want what we can't have. She knows she can have you so she wrecks your head with her girly game playing. Walk away, muppetesses like that are never worth it.