women : as soon as i open my mouth...

slemons

Women related problem what else eh?

i dont even know where to start...

the problem really is when i open my mouth to talk to a girl i like. it all goes pear shaped.
women in my expierence are so cruel and seem to love putting a guy down.

recently ive decided to give up the drink for a bit. i notice getting looked at a bit, im a fit enough guy, nothing special but muscley from sport and girls seem to like that.

Trouble is ive no faith in my ability to talk to a girl i like. if i know but if i dont like a girl theres no problem, i could have her in 2 mins flat by doing "i actually have no idea!!". if i see a girl in a pub/club and "try" talk to her, she will put me down. 99.99% have done it previously.

Just last night in a packed pub i saw a cracker that used work in a place i used train. she looked at me a good few times and even walked past 3x but i just had no faith in my ability to talk to her. she's actually a lovely girl as well as gorgrous and id love to chat to her and be friends but i just know if i did, id go into idiot mode and say the stupidest most ignorant things in my attempts to be funny and cool. or if i tried to be nice id just end up talking about the weather or work and she'd still hate me as a big bore...

another girl came up talkin to me and i just legged it. she was really nice but i knew if i stayed i just make an ape of myself. i seem to have learned this stupid "hard to get" game and subconsciously i use it the whole time to escape. no hard to get isnt the right word, i think i say a combination of "i'll def score with her the next time i meet her" or "i dont want to score with her at all" . Either way i just bottle it...

Is there any method of talking to girls in pubs where they wont end up hating your guts? Could it be my accent? Its driving me mad at this stage.

I normally wait until i actually have something to say to a girl, and that usually means i go 3 or 4 nights without talking to a girl. i mean for fvck sake, what do 2 strangers ever have to talk about in a pub anyway. its all about 1 thing in the end.

from my expierence it seems to me that girls dont actually like fellas at all.

except in my mates case as he can score with any girl he see's. its so sh1t, i just stand there and try not to be a sleaze, not trying everything in the place like some a$$holes, but all i end up doing is like turning off my sexuality in an attempt to be a nice guy and then end up going home alone again.

all i want to do is be able to walk up to a unknown girl and have a nice chat with her. all girls seem to want to do is look at me and then if i talk to them look at me as if i have 4 ar$es instead of a head and then walk off...
and more than likely off to chat to the biggest w@nkers in the pub instead

i think im a nice enough guy but obviously not.

Dudess

Hey there slemons! That is a really sad post. First of all, STOP putting yourself down. You're a great guy, you just have to realise it. That may sound like a boring old cliché but believe me, it's the truth. What age are you? When I was 19 (nearly ten years ago now! :eek:) I felt a completely irrational (but perfectly rational at the time) need to put on an act in order to fit in with "cool" people. The act always fell flat on its face. And people saw right through it. So after a while, I decided, screw that, I'm not gonna waste another drop of energy trying to be something I'm not. People can like me or lump me. And if I'm not "cool" enough for them, that's their problem, not mine. And what do you know? I never had another problem making friends because people liked me for who I was. End of. So don't put on an act. Just relax. Being yourself isn't all that difficult. If the girl's acting all snooty, forget the bint! She's obviously too up her arse to be bothered with. Girls are not all nasty, like you've been led to believe. I promise. Do you hang out with a circle of cliquey, image-obsessed people? Because if you do, there's no harm in getting to know people who are more like yourself - clearly a decent person. When you're under 25 (not always but in a lot of cases), you've many insecurities and you feel as though you'd like to belong to the "cool" crowd because it makes you feel more important. As you get older, you realise just how profoundly UNcool that is. Personally I'd prefer the geeky crowd any day.

Timmy_d

haha i know the feeling,i think trying to chat to a girl ypu like in a nightclub just leads to mindgames and alot of bull**** involved...

Timmy_d

ya think dudess said it in a nutshell,just be yourself and relax it also makes other people around you more comfortable too i think...as for approaching women thats tricky enough,my problem seems to be attracting women that are in relationships which pisses me off...

StormWarrior

slemons wrote:

women in my expierence are so cruel and seem to love putting a guy down.

Trouble is ive no faith in my ability to talk to a girl i like.

Perhaps your attitude is putting them off. I wouldn't be interested in dating a bloke who believed all women are cruel and love putting men down.

And as for talking to girls, how about just talking to them normally as you would your mates. I mean, it must have looked rather strange to the girl that you ran away when she tried to talk to you. You sound like you have severe confidence issues, maybe you should look into doing something about that.

Henry Ford III

Be yourself. Relax. All will be well. Do not try to impress too much.

slemons

ya my problem is the old self pity card. it doenst affect me in any other walk of life. ive fought hard to get had to get ahead in work college in sport but first sign of a put down from a girl and i give in. i dont know where i got it from but i do it a lot. probably its because i had a tough time as a teen (who didnt eh)

I see what you mean about being yourself but i dont think i have anything to offer if i just be myself. i love sport, weights, work and stock exchange lol. not many girls share that eh?

i was looking at that site fast sedction.com but it all seems so sleazy. why is this stuff all so hard?

oh and btw it does seem to me that girls are cruel. some girls that is. a lot of them are fine but they're the ones i just want to be friends with...

ah i'll figure something out, or else i'll just go back to the way everyone seems to do it these days. get locked and fall around a club until you find someone equally as drunk for a quick score.

surely this isnt the way its meant to be?

Anna23

oh come on it cant be that bad, I actually love when a man has only one thing on his mind!!! If you dont mind me asking...how old are you?

mise_me_fein

Looks like a life of solitude for you my friend.

Caliden

I just talk about pure and utter shíte.
Some of the topics might be:

Where they're from
What pub (if any) were they in before this one
Do they go to college or do they work (if they work, dont end up talking about work since most people dont love their jobs enough to talk about it on a night out, if it's college ask them do they find it interesting,etc.)
Are they going anywhere nice for the summer
Going to any concerts/festivals

From there you can talk about anything else. Try to come across as if you're just looking for a friendly chat and not trying to end up in bed with them. If they are arrogant and snobby, ignore them and walk away.
If she seems interested in having a conversation with you and you've been talking for a while, get her number.

You'll be shot down twice as much as you will succeed so don't take rejection too harshly.
Confidence is a very attractive feature so don't put yourself down so much.

Best of luck dude.

Marksie

Caliden wrote:

I just talk about pure and utter shíte.
Some of the topics might be:

Where they're from
What pub (if any) were they in before this one
Do they go to college or do they work (if they work, dont end up talking about work since most people dont love their jobs enough to talk about it on a night out, if it's college ask them do they find it interesting,etc.)
Are they going anywhere nice for the summer
Going to any concerts/festivals

Caliden has made a very good point.

OP do you notice that what he is actually doing is asking questions?

He is in fact getting them to talk and basing his conversation around that. Listen to weht they are saying too... it shows that you are listening adn intersted in them

py2006

People pick up on anxiety, self conciousness and lack of confidence very easily. It is off putting.

These girls will sense this off you straight away. It doesn't justify them being "cruel" though. Unfortunately this is a characteristic of alot of Irish girls.

Try to be more self confident and relax and be yourself! I know its hard as I struggle with that myself at times! Don't over do it though as you can come accross as being an arrogant twat

Maple

Just be yourself, be friendly and cheerful. Don't use any of your old macho hard to get bullcrap techniques. Ask openended questions where they'll have to use sentences to respond rather than one word responses. And try not to go into it with a defeatist attitude expecting a kick in the teeth, its what you'll end up with.

Wibbs

py2006 wrote:

People pick up on anxiety, self conciousness and lack of confidence very easily. It is off putting.

True

These girls will sense this off you straight away. It doesn't justify them being "cruel" though. Unfortunately this is a characteristic of alot of Irish girls.

It would be a general characteristic of women. They're looking for men, not weak boys. Coming over all scared and unconfident tends to put them off. Obviously that's not all women, but in general.

Try to be more self confident and relax and be yourself! I know its hard as I struggle with that myself at times!

You're the only you out there and that's pretty cool. There's probably 3 odd billion women in the world. Trust me you can get one. With odds like that even I get lucky.

Don't over do it though as you can come accross as being an arrogant twat

And sadly that's often when he'll actually end up pulling more women.

py2006

Wibbs wrote:

And sadly that's often when he'll actually end up pulling more women.

Yep, I was going to say just that! Its always the arrogant, loud, obnoxious idiot that they go for in the pub. Then complain later about how badly he treats her! Seen it so many times!

So maybe our advice is total crap! Maybe you should be the loud idiot to get the attention in the first place and then show the real you when out with her! Hmmmm, interesting!

Okay, OP, I am kidding!......Be yourself!

StormWarrior

1.

slemons wrote:

I see what you mean about being yourself but i dont think i have anything to offer if i just be myself. i love sport, weights, work and stock exchange lol. not many girls share that eh?



2. oh and btw it does seem to me that girls are cruel. some girls that is. a lot of them are fine but they're the ones i just want to be friends with...

1. You seem to have alot of rather ridiculous, innacurate preconceived ideas about women. I'm female and I love weights and sport. My best friend who is female wants to be a stockbroker.

2. So you only fancy the girls who are cruel to you. Perhaps you are subconsciously trying to wreck your own chances. If you never fancy the girls you stand a chance with, maybe you don't actually want a relationship with a girl.

sobriquet

slemons wrote:

except in my mates case as he can score with any girl he see's. its so sh1t, i just stand there and try not to be a sleaze, not trying everything in the place like some a$$holes, but all i end up doing is like turning off my sexuality in an attempt to be a nice guy and then end up going home alone again.

Ye gods, can you not see that there actually is a happy middle ground in there? Obviously not, because you've your mate who's trying it on with whoever he likes (by the way, he definitely can *not* score with any girl he likes, he just consciously or otherwise knows who's into him), and you with your passive aggressiveness.

slemons wrote:

all i want to do is be able to walk up to a unknown girl and have a nice chat with her. all girls seem to want to do is look at me and then if i talk to them look at me as if i have 4 ar$es instead of a head and then walk off...
and more than likely off to chat to the biggest w@nkers in the pub instead

No, you don't just want a nice chat. You want into their pants. If all you wanted was a nice chat, you wouldn't be posting on PI, it wouldn't be an issue. Anyways, your mate scores because he's not oblivious to the women who like him, and - here's the important bit - he does something about it. You don't because the women you do chat up are the ones who've probably up until then displayed no interest in you at all (I suspect self-selection here), and the ones you think you've a chance with you don't bother because... wait, why? You'll feel like a díckhead?

You complained that you don't know what to talk about - well that cracker used to work where you trained. "Hey I know you from X, still working there? How's it going? Train much yourself, what you into? ..."

I don't think your problem is that you don't know who's into you - you read the signals from the cracker perfectly well - so maybe you choose to talk to women you may actually know *aren't* into you ensuring your failure. One of hardest things when 'scoring' isn't approaching women, but moving from friendly chat to proper flirting to sucking face, and I think that's what you're afraid of having to do, especially with someone who likes you there's all the more dissappointment with failure. There's the rub, you've to simply confront the possible rejection and dissappointment.

Oh, and those big w@nkers that the wimminz talk to? They're probably not. What they are is (at least vaguely) self-confident, and capable of holding a conversation, even if it's not to your taste.

slemons wrote:

i think im a nice enough guy but obviously not.

Ok grand, we're all nice guys, that's great, but you're not a Nice Guy are you...? (I was like kinda that for a while, blech. Ooh, long post, but it's my 100th, after five years!)

magpie

Rent out "The 40 year old virgin"

bandit*baby

maybe your problem is the fact that your looking to bring someone home ... that IS sleazy
try aiming for a name and no

DRakE

you could get a mate to go with you out and rig up an elaborate ear piece and microphone so he can tell you what to say

py2006

bandit*baby wrote:

maybe your problem is the fact that your looking to bring someone home ... that IS sleazy
try aiming for a name and no

I think you should read his original post again!

He is not even looking to get as far as "name and number" stage yet as he can't even seem to get beyond the "Hey, how are you" stage!

Duggy747

OP, I used to have a similiar enough attitude like yours towards women. Always conscious, but never "fearing", of what I'd say to a girl I'd like. Pointless shìte used to go through my head like: "Shìt, did I say that right?".

In the end I just stopped caring and that's when I became more of myself when talking to women. Don't be afraid to be yourself, I mean if you want to talk to a stranger and it goes tits-up then a) it's something you didn't mean to say (which is a lot harder to do than you think) or b) she's not really worth your energy........either way forget it, live and learn and don't dwell on it.

Don't be bothered about whether the girl care's or not, you'll never fully know unless you try. And yes, more often than likely you'll find more fools than you will girls you'll connect with, I think most people here including myself will relate to you on that one.

smileysurfer

hey op!
u seem to be beating yourself up over a very small sovleable issue here!
iv got the feeling ur a young enough guy so when ur out in a club/pub just ask a girl if she would like a drink.talk about college/ school and if she has any plans for the summer,music she likes, easy going stuff like that. have a few questions in mind and then you wont feel half as nervous and just relax!!you sound like a really nice guy so jst relax and have fun