Girlfriend issues.. my heads wrecked :(

LegacyUser

***REGULAR BOARDSIE POSTER BUT UNREG'D FOR THIS***

My girlfriend recently found out she has cancer.

I didnt know how to take the news.. I mean I love her and we've been together since we were both 20 and now we're 27 and I had planned a trip to a lovely place in west cork to propose to her next month.

Thing is now that I've found out about the cancer I'm wondering what'll happen now. She's perfect to me now but I assume she's gonna change from treatments and whatnot and I don't think i will like the "new her".

What do I do i'm so freaked out that I'm thinking of just up and moving out and cutting off all contact with her as its probably for the best.. It'd really put a dampner on my life If i was to stay with her I think.

Advice?

dudara

My jaw just dropped reading this.

OP if you are for real, then I feel very sorry for your girlfriend. You say that you love her, want to propose but now that she has cancer you "know" that she will change...

I'm giving you one more chance to reply here and justify why this thread is not to be closed because of trolling.

Silverfish

Omfg.

Even the very fact that you called yourself 'cancerbf' I think speaks that you don't even see her as a person anymore.

I think you need to do what Dudara said, fairly fast.

biko

Do you have more details about the type of cancer she has?
Some types are worse and demand chemo etc whereas others are operable.

m_stan

This cannot be for real.

If it is then I don't know what to say. Normally I'd say yes - leave her since you obviously don't really care, but if she is that sick then this could the the blow (while she's down) that kills her. You should be standing by her no matter what if you love her, which you say you do. Any thought of her changing is so selfish it's not even worth considering. She needs you to stand by her and support her in her hour of need. Your idea of proposing is ridiculous under the circumstances - are you aware of what marraige means ? Are you aware of the vows that you state when getting married - does 'in sickness and in health' ring any bells ?

If this is not for real, then you're one sick puppy.

LegacyUser

U're some Tulip.

Hope U never have sickness in your loife, U Louser.

I'll answer your question :

U should show her this Thread, so that the poor girl
can clearly see what sort of a bollox U really are ;
and, how much better off she'd be without U !!!

Problem solved !!!

Wibbs

I really hope this is a troll. If not the mind truly boggles.

LegacyUser

when i was posting this i didnt realise how my username would have an effect so i didnt mean it i've changed now

i dont know why you all think some thing as serious as cancer is ajoke
I do love her but can no one see my point of view.. i'm still youngish so i dont want to be struck down with this responsiblity of having to roudn the clock care for her.. i'm pretty worried about fniding her unattractive cos i'd imagine this will get her down quite a bit and she wont be the happy person i love ever again

plz don lock i need advice and not just "ur a **** boyfriend"

Marksie

Normally i would avoid telling anyone that they are shallow.
But this is exactly what you are.

At a time when she needs your support you are thinking of dumping her because of what you thikn of as the "new" her.

You have been together for 7 years and now you deicde this?

I have to assume this is real.

Ask yourself, if you were going through the same, how would you feel.

I hope to goodness this is a troll, because no-one deserves what you are proposing.

Maple

WTF? :eek: are you for real? It would put a dampner on your life??? How SELFISH are you?? You say you love her? Yet at a time in her life when i'm sure the girl is petrified and needing you the most you are thinking of deserting her because it may put a dampner on your life? You should dump her, because cancer or no cancer no woman needs a low life like you in their life.

Can you imagine how scared she is right now? How utterly petrified she is? Put yourself in her shoes, imagine if it was you who had cancer and she broke up with you at a time when you were at your lowest ebb, when you think you're looking death in the face?

You were going to propose to her next month, what about those vows "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health"? Do they only count if she has a clean bill of health?

i'm absolutely sickened by your heartless attitude.

DRakE

right well i agree he's a definately selfish but you shouldnt wish sickness on him straight up insults arent really helping him at all are they?

dudara

It's OK to say that physical looks matter in a relationship. But you've been together for 7 years if I've read you correctly and now you are getting worried.

It just seems like a very immature attitude to have, especially since you thought only recently that you were mature enough to marry her.

Ibjiba

I think you are really shocked by the cancer-message. Probably your head isn't very clear right now because of these horrifying news. Your write that you were going to propose to her, that means spend your life together no matter what. From what you write you are really not ready for that commitment. THis is when you stand by her. This is not a choice you have. You stand by her, that is what love is. Only reason for you to dump her in her worst times is if you believe that she will be worse off with you. Take care of your love.

CiaranC

CiaranC banned. PM me or another mod in a week to rescind ban.

meglome

Jesus holy ****ing christ. If I ever think I'm selfish again I can come back and read the OP's posts and be secure in the knowledge that I'm a wonderful person.

JC 2K3

In fairness, an initial panic and posting an unregged post such as this isn't really a reason to berate the OP. We all have bizarre, callous thoughts sometimes, especially in times of desperation.

Bad things happen in all our lives OP, some worse than others, but we all have basic responsibilities to others. You can't leave your gf now. You've been with her for 7 years. Think of how much you love her and not the inconvenience it may cause in your life.

If you do leave her you are a very bad person, but it's normal to be scared have thoughts such as these.

Marksie

You ask what will happen?

She will take whatever treatment is prescribed by the experts. She will hopefully come through this.

She may have short or medium term affects, she will recover.

She will need support and a positive outlook.

As a mod I am going to ask all posters to be civil.

This is one instance where i am banning myself from a thread

Maple

if you love her, you stand by her. its as simple as. i know that a diagnosis like that would rock your world and illness is an extremely difficult road for a couple but if you love her you stick with it.

meglome

JC 2K3 wrote:

In fairness, an initial panic and posting an unregged post such as this isn't really a reason to berate the OP. We all have bizarre, callous thoughts sometimes, especially in times of desperation.

Bad things happen in all our lives OP, some worse than others, but we all have basic responsibilities to others. You can't leave your gf now. You've been with her for 7 years. Think of how much you love her and not the inconvenience it may cause in your life.

If you do leave her you are a very bad person, but it's normal to be scared have thoughts such as these.

I couldn't agree more, it is normal as a human being to have all sorts of terrible thoughts. But come on if I killed all the people I'd thought about doing it to.

OP I wouldn't articulate your fears to anyone that knows you as you have here, it really sounds terrible.

dudara

I'm going to confirm Marksie's view on this thread and reiterate that only civil posts will be tolerated.

Immediate bans will be given otherwise.

dudara

Necronomicon

If this is a troll, then you deserve plenty of things which I won't say for fear of being banned.

However, if it is genuine....

I'm not justifying what the OP is saying in any way, my jaw nearly hit the floor reading it, but some people react badly to a loved one getting sick and don't know how to deal with it. I remember when my dad told us he had cancer, I didn't even know how to have a conversation with him at first, I was shocked (thankfully he is coming through it). But because he always kept me in the loop with what was going on, and I went with him to hospital for his treatment a few times, I felt less and less intimidated by the whole situation. OP, I suggest you face your fear and get involved, be there for your girlfriend to face whatever she's facing.

By the way, you still haven't described what type of cancer she has, or the extent of it. Not all treatment has devestating effects. My aunt had chemotherapy when she was being treated, it made her feel quite bad. But my dad is having radiotherapy, and you honestly wouldn't be able to tell he was being treated.

However, all this aside, you really have to look at yourself as well. Are you really ready to propose to someone yet "up and leave" because you might not find them physically attractive anymore. Be there for your girlfriend, but seriously consider your decision to propose if this is your attitude.

yermandan

Mods, this is clearly a troll, you should lock this thread because it beggars belief that this poster is being taken serious.

Dan

dudara

yermandan If you had bothered to read the previous posts from Marksie and myself, you would see that we are more than aware of the existence of this thread. Leave the modding to us rather than clogging up the thread

LegacyUser

well having read over my first post i feel i mightnt have explained myself well..

i dont think that at least 5 people just having a dig at me because it might be funny to call me a bollox or that i should die is helping me in any decision either really

yermandan

dudara, I did read all of the posts and my post is as relevant as any other. I find the op's comments very offensive and I dont think this type of attention seeking rubbish should be tolerated. I am not trying to moderate anything, just stating my point of view

Kinetic^

Welcome to life!!! It's not perfect, **** happens.

jellie

cancerbf wrote:

It'd really put a dampner on my life If i was to stay with her I think.

its put a "dampner" on your life? a DAMPNER?

Youve taken your gfs tragedy and made it all about you. your GIRLFRIEND has cancer, yet youre moaning about poor poor you.

You dont seem devastated at the thought of losing your beloved gf, you seem worried about what a massive pain in the a** this is gonna be for you.

I just dont understand how you can claim to love her..

Im torn between telling you it WOULD be best to get right away - simply because your gf doesnt need someone with your attitude around her at this time - or telling you you should stay.

If you were my bf and i read your feelings on the situation i dont think id want you around any longer to be honest, regardless of the feelings you claim to have

dudara

yermandan I asked for posts to be kept relevant and to refrain otherwise. Please abide by the rules of this forum which are there to be read in the charter at the top of the forum.

dudara

Moojuice

If you love her, really love her then stay with her. Cancer can be cured and people can and do live long lives after having it. If you dont love her then you need to make your choice: Leave her now, or wait until she is better and then leave her. From what you have said in the post you dont really love her, you only want to be with her if everything is going well and she looks the same.

Put yourself in her position, how would you feel? It should not matter if she will fully recover or not, if you really love her you will stay with her no matter what.
Its a shock to the two of you, so take time to think about it and I am sure that she has been thinking along the same lines as you. Talk to her about it. Either way she is going to need you at this difficult time.
Your inital reaction is not necessarily a reflection of how you really feel about the situation so take your time.

Mr E

State of mind is important for recovery. Imagine how devastated she would be if you broke up?? No doubt she is already feeling very low. It won't help her in the long run.

If its breast cancer, there is a huge chance of remission (plus she's young).

Stick it out.

Susannahmia

If I said what I wanted to say to you I would be banned...... You obviously dont love her. Yourself however....:rolleyes:

Deadevil129

I'm having a hard time believing what a just read, but I can understand that you're probably shocked and I'm hoping it's that that's got you thinking irrationally.

I've known three people with cancer, two died, one survived. The person who survived had a pretty bad bout of breast cancer but thanks be to God has made a full recovery. During the treatment she gave up work entirely and now can only work part time as she gets tired so easily. She lost both breasts and all hair. Her husband did not do a runner once he found out, he stayed by her and they have one of the happiest marriages I know about.

Two elderly relations I know have died from cancer, yet everybody did not abandon them to a hospital bed as soon as they found out. Till the day both of them died everyone spent hours of the day driving back and forth from house to hospital and made many sacrifices just to make sure that those in hospital were comfortable, just because that's what we do for our loved ones.

If you love your girlfriend, if you genuinly love her you should be able to say with complete and utter confidence that you would love her regardless of what a tragedy would do to her appearance, regardless of how it would change her capabilites to do day to day tasks. You were thinking of proposing but marriage is for life, how would you cope in your 80's, if your wife came down with alzheimers or developed parkinsons and needed constant care, leave her for a newer model?

With the way you're treating this you sound too immature to handle an adult relationship, never mind a marriage.

00112984

cancerbf wrote:

It'd really put a dampner on my life If i was to stay with her I think.
Advice?

Wow- you really do have it tough. How could she have done something so stupid?! I hope someone gives you a medal. :rolleyes: :mad:

Edit: Got mad after reading the first post and posted without reading the rest. Adding something constructive.

OP- when was she diagnosed and have you talked to her about how she's feeling? I'm sure she's also concerned about how it will affect her looks, personality and your relationship.

The Sweeper

OP

For starters, I'm amazed you guys got through seven years of a relationship and were never 'tested'. You love this girl enough that you were going to propose to her. You were going to volunteer to spend the rest of your life with her. And you know, I can't resist the crack about your wedding vows being "in sickness and in health" you know.

But in terms of what cancer does to people:

Your girlfriend is still your girlfriend. Now she has an illness. It's a treatable illness. She hasn't become cancer. She hasn't turned into a different person. She's still your girlfriend, but now she's sick and yes, probably damn scared.

I'm more interested in knowing why you think that by cutting the person you loved enough to want to marry them out of your life entirely, you'll feel less pain and have your life less 'dampened' (oh poor choice of words) than staying with her through this and helping her battle her illness?

Could you really leave her? Could you dump her and truly not want to know, in three months time, how she's doing? See I understand that you've had the fright of your life and you're obviously utterly unable to cope now, but are your emotions really just like a tap that you could turn off?

And more to the point, do you know anything at all about your girlfriend's illness? The kind of cancer? Her survival chances? The treatment options? The side effects of the treatment options? The duration of the treatment? How it will affect her physically? (I won't say 'and mentally' because you can't predict how such things will affect anyone).

You can't make a decision on anything until you properly understand what's happening. Your original post smacks of a considerable degree of ignorance about what's happened, and a subsequent wash of fear.

As for the 30-odd posts before mine and after yours calling you a variety of spicy and interesting names, you need to start seeing things from the perspectives of other people. I think everyone would accept that cancer is difficult on those who love the person who has the illness as well as on that person themselves. But forgive us if we don't think "Your girlfriend has cancer, poor you" as a primary thought. If nothing else, your first post is rather graceless.

WindSock

OP, If you truely love her, which I'm sure you do if you are willing to propose to her, then you will make it through the downs of the relationship. This recent news being a major down, as you are both shocked and scared. If you were to break it off with the Woman you love because of the bad news, you would never forgive yourself. Your girlfriend needs you more than ever at the moment. Hopefully she and you will make it through.

LegacyUser

It'd really put a dampner on my life If i was to stay with her I think.

Advice?[/QUOTE]


whoa ok! im gonna give my utmost honest opinion here. im a nurse and i have seen what cancer can do to people and loved ones who have it and its not a plesent thing for anyone to go through. i wouldn wish it upon anyone. you say you were goin to propose to her, you must obviously love her or at least be disalusioned by what love was! cancer doesn change a person its what happens during a persons illness that affects how a person fights this terrible battle. she needs love and support something which i dont think u are capable of giving her. but wot will you say to her? what will be your reasons? dont just think about yourself, think about the effect this will have on her recovery and ultimately the rest of her life. if you think having a girlfriend with cancer will "put a dampner" on your life.....consider for just 1 second how cancer will affect hers......

Sony

Both my parents have suffered with this disease-I saw one of them right through to the end recently but Im lucky enough to still have the other with me today and doing everything I can to help them cope..I know exactly what your girlfriend has in store and I can only hope that the seriousness of it is minimal.

You know , Im not sure why exactly but I believe this to be a genuine post. Its incredibly selfish (your post) but from the darkest part of my heart I can see why youre worried about what affect your girlfriends misfortune is about to have on your own life.Its only natural that you've thought of this...I mean you really dont need this right? you only live once and you could really do without this threatening any happiness that could possibly lie ahead? Yeah well listen youre dead right nobody needs it and we all want our lives to be normal happy affairs free of any depression or problems. The thing is this isnt the case .....

You know this sweet girl that you fell madly in love with once upon a time, the woman thats been there with you for the past 7 years by your side and the one special person whom you would have Im sure put your life on the line for .... well this girl has had her heart broken with some news recently, on the inside she is completely torn up and distraught, whatever brave face she might be displaying shes fragile and wondering what on earth she has done so wrong to be told that she has cancer....and you know what-this girl is still hanging in there,she still has hope because deep down although the most horrible disease imaginable is hurting her she still has you-YOU are probably the main reason she still has hope - do you realise this? You're her man, her rock and the one person she can rely on standing by her "in sickness and in health" remember that promise you were willing to make her?

My advice to you my friend is to be stronger. If you love this woman which I think you do, dont walk out on her while she is on her hands and knees-could you live with yourself if you did this? Be a man, do the right thing and stand by her;)

yellowellie

^ +1

Wibbs

Sony wrote:

My advice to you my friend is to be stronger. If you love this woman which I think you do, dont walk out on her while she is on her hands and knees-could you live with yourself if you did this? Be a man, do the right thing and stand by her;)

This and the rest of this brilliant and humbling post, Quoted For fúcking Truth. Forget being a man, be a human being.

LegacyUser

I feel so sorry for your girlfriend but i do see where you are coming from OP. It is tough and you are young and I know what dreams and wishes you probably had with your girlfriend because I have them too about my girlfriend and this is very tough mentally for you but i suppose it's true isn't it? If you love her enough, you will be there...it's tough OP

m83

A most moving reply Sony.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, your reaction is natural. Ignore those idiots who condemn you because simply they believe they have doctoroate in psychology and rushed to their keyboards faster than they could comprehend what it must be like to face such a crisis.

They don't recognise for example that the gut reaction of any person to a crisis that affects them is to evaluate the threat to themselves and to principally react to that. Often it is like a there is a crowd of virtual vultures circling around their keyboards, people who just love to throw sticks and bones without even pausing a few seconds to actually try read between the lines.

Here's a lesson: If someone spends a few years with someone they love and then suddenly is afraid they can't cope with how they'll look without any hair, it doesn't necessarily mean they've just turned shallow all of a sudden.

Anyway Op, just give it alittle bit of time, you'll adjust. We all do.

DD

I totally agree with that.
How can you say you love her if you want her out of your life now when she needs your help the most?
nice...you wanted to ask her to marry you...i didnt know cancer could be a problem...very nice

Marksie wrote:

Normally i would avoid telling anyone that they are shallow.
But this is exactly what you are.
At a time when she needs your support you are thinking of dumping her because of what you thikn of as the "new" her.
You have been together for 7 years and now you deicde this?
I have to assume this is real.
Ask yourself, if you were going through the same, how would you feel.
I hope to goodness this is a troll, because no-one deserves what you are proposing.

Beruthiel

cancerbf wrote:

What do I do i'm so freaked out that I'm thinking of just up and moving out and cutting off all contact with her as its probably for the best.. It'd really put a dampner on my life If i was to stay with her I think.

I'm shocked by this thread.
If you get through your own life illness free you'll be one very lucky person. What if you were to become ill yourself? Would you like to think that those around you would be there to help you get through it?
The first instinct for most of us who's loved one falls ill is to try and bend over backwards to do everything in our power to help them. To be there when they need someone to lean on, to help them go on, to help them keep their chin up and to show them they are not alone in this dark journey.

I find your callous feelings towards her hard to take, if you think this has put a dampner on your life, what do you think it's done to hers!?

Now maybe we should give you the benefit of doubt and your initial feelings are of overwhelming shock, once you've calmed down and thought this through, you may see things from another perspective. I do hope so, otherwise you should wonder about your own humanity. What do you think it would do to this girl to cut off all contact now? As majd pointed out, deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone doesn't just mean, as long as you don't get sick.
I suggest you take some time to think this through very carefully.

Marksie

Jimmycrackcorm: There were enough warnings in this thread.
Banned 1 week.

whosedaddy?

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about her diagnosis!

Now back to the OP side of things , that is some human reaction... irrational at its best, but understandable. there is little that prepares you for bad news such as a loved one falling seriously ill (I know your gf has gotten much worse news...).

I would fell much much more appalled if the OP had said, hey she's got ill, but I'll stick around while its fun and when it gets really touch going I'm out of here.

At least this way he has left the door open to reflect now what he wants to do.

Hope dies last, stick with her if you love her !
If you walk away, you may never ever forgive yourself. And that will be your life long "cancer" eating away on you.

dellas1979

Can you not see why people are a little shocked at what you wrote?

It seems selfish - maybe it is a reaction to the shock of the news.

Have ye ever been though a bad rough patch before in 7 years?

I have to admit, it is hard, and you are right there in feeling/thinking that, but ultimately, it is not the "hardest" on you (which you are making it out to be).

You either love her enough to be around when she needs you most, or you leave her. Simple as that.

LegacyUser

thanks so much all for the advice

however...
this morning we mutually broke up after i told her i was binning her. she said that she thought i was gonna do it anyway so she's fine with it

Caliden

If you don't feel like you can be there for her and offer her the support she needs then I can see why you feel this way OP.

It's a shame that you won't support her when she needs you the most.

LegacyUser

u made a gud decision.........she doesn need a bf like u

Marksie

OP: you made your decision

I am locking thee thread as advice is no longer required