Womanly advice needed for cheating husband

trishh

I need advice from women whose husbands have cheated on them. Mine has left and is living with his "other female". After a long marriage, I am devastated but I never saw it coming. He is now treating me and the children like he never loved us. He is being very aggressive and argumentative and will not pay towards any bill or expense the children have. He was the sole earner. Where he is now he has nothing at all to pay. If this, or something similar happened to you, please tell me how you handled it and how you are coping now. This was not the first time he cheated, I had forgiven him previously but it was a good while ago. How can I help the children get over their anger also?

445279.ie

So sorry for your troubles. Thankfully never been in the postion (cos I'm single)

But on a practicle note. Get youself down to you local District Court office and issue a maintenance summons cos you and the children shouldn't have to suffer financially (it's the least of your worries - but a worry all the same if he was the main earner in the household)

seahorse

First of all the kids need counselling Trishh, I'd see that as a priority. I've never been married but I have had the hurt of being cheated on in a long term relationship, so I can relate to what you feel. You should get yourself along to a solicitor asap, or to your local citizens advice bureau if money is an issue as they run a fee free service.

He has a legal obligation to support his own kids, and also to pay alimony to your if your children are young enough as to prevent you from working.

Also, if it is any comfort to you, this woman is certain to be treated at least as badly as you have been. That is the way of the world, cause if a husband and father will desert his wife, the mother of his kids, he'll treat any woman like dirt. Just keep strong and keep that thought at the forefront of your mind luv. Best wishes, xx

Seahorse

trishh

Thanks for replying rebel72 and seahorse, especially "he'll treat any woman like dirt. Just keep strong and keep that thought at the forefront of your mind luv"

undecided

my heart goes out to you Trish.

Similar happened my mother. He is legally obliged to pay maintenance. If he is not willing get legal aid and go to court.

I would say try to keep the whole things between yourselves and not involve your kids it does play havoc with their minds and they are left torn, hurt and unsure.

It is an awful situation for you and I do hope you have good family/friends to support you .

IMO the laws in ireland are to lenient on fathers leaving the home maintenance isnt enough what about the parenting of the children etc. also maintenance doesnt cover those extra financial burdens ie. santa uniforms books etc.

Could go on a rant here i feel so strongly on the subject. Trish PM me if you wish I virtually went through the whole thing with my mother, even If you need an ear to listen.

ntlbell

undecided wrote:

IMO the laws in ireland are to lenient on fathers leaving the home maintenance isnt enough what about the parenting of the children etc. also maintenance doesnt cover those extra financial burdens ie. santa uniforms books etc.

Could go on a rant here i feel so strongly on the subject. Trish PM me if you wish I virtually went through the whole thing with my mother, even If you need an ear to listen.

And I'm sure fathers could go on a rant about their lack of rights blah blah blah it's not all one sided even if it's only one side you have personal exp with, take off the blinkers please.

445279.ie

ntlbell wrote:

And I'm sure fathers could go on a rant about their lack of rights blah blah blah it's not all one sided even if it's only one side you have personal exp with, take off the blinkers please.

Agree, my brother's wife left him and was the one having the affair and she's the one with all the rights :mad:

ali.c

There is alot of injustices that occur when marraiges or long term relationships break up. It seems to me the more decent the man the more screwed over he gets.
Trish so sorry to hear about your situation, i am sure you are devasted. The best thing to do is to talk to someone to assess what your rights actually are. If nothing else that will help you get yourself secure fiancially which will relieve some of the stress. The only thing that will help you get over this emotionally and heal is time and support. Make sure you are surrounded by supportive people, maybe even have company when you are dealing with you husband if at all possible.

seahorse

ntlbell wrote:

And I'm sure fathers could go on a rant about their lack of rights blah blah blah it's not all one sided even if it's only one side you have personal exp with, take off the blinkers please.

I’m sure some of them legitimately could but if a man has been dipping his prick where it’s no business to be then he’s no right to rant about anything. If you’ve nothing to respond re the OP’s situation I don’t know why you’d bother contributing to the thread at all.

ntlbell

seahorse wrote:

I’m sure some of them legitimately could but if a man has been dipping his prick where it’s no business to be then he’s no right to rant about anything. If you’ve nothing to respond re the OP’s situation I don’t know why you’d bother contributing to the thread at all.

Probably the same reason your responding to my post.....

what if the womans had the affair? he can rant all he wants but has no rights, that is the point.

seahorse

ntlbell wrote:

Probably the same reason your responding to my post.....

I had already made my suggestions to the OP on this thread, which you'd know if you'd bothered to read it.

ntlbell wrote:

what if the womans had the affair? he can rant all he wants but has no rights, that is the point.

And it is a valid point, but not in the context of this thread. In this situation it is the HUSBAND who's had the affair and I'm sure you throwing in your tuppence worth about the lack of husbands rights in the opposite situation is of no value or comfort to her.

Carrigart Exile

seahorse wrote:

I’m sure some of them legitimately could but if a man has been dipping his prick where it’s no business to be then he’s no right to rant about anything. If you’ve nothing to respond re the OP’s situation I don’t know why you’d bother contributing to the thread at all.

why have you further non contributed to the thread?


OP can I ask, how old are your children and do you have any working experience

King of Kings

seahorse wrote:

I’m sure some of them legitimately could but if a man has been dipping his prick where it’s no business to be then he’s no right to rant about anything.

firstly seahorse are you real? o say a man who cheats has no rights (or right to complain about no rights in the event of a relationship breakdown is downright stupid.

OP - I think you need to start the legal route quicksmart - if only go get monetary support for your kids. I've been though the Family mediation serive about a year ago and there is a waiting list but it's a bot cheaper than using a solicitor
also the fact he has left the family home means you are pretty much entitled to it.
You don't say in your post how you feel on the issue or about him? Would you take him back/ kill him? that kinda thing

ntlbell

seahorse wrote:

I had already made my suggestions to the OP on this thread, which you'd know if you'd bothered to read it.

I had read it, but your response to my reply made no contrubution to help the OP yet you're complaining my post isn't helping?? see??

pot? black? kettles?

Wibbs

TBH I can't see how any of this point scoring guff is helping the OP.

OP, get legal advice as soon as. You need to know your options down that road. Is there any chance of reconcilliation? I say that, because don't be too surprised if down the line he comes back when he sees the grass isn't always greener with the other woman. I wouldn't go down that road personally, but you know your situation better.

Nevyn

Back on topic or else there will be bans handed out.

trishh you need to get the finacnes sort out for you and the children.

I would suggest that you go andmake an appoimtnet with your loacl welfare officer who will be in your local health clinc.

You will need to apply for One-Parent Family Payment
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare-payments-to-families-and-children/one_parent_family_payment

and you may qualifiy for family income supplement.
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare-payments-to-families-and-children/family_income_supplement/?searchterm=fis

These may take a whiel to come trought and inthe mean time the welfare officer shoudl be able to give you some support.

you may also qualifiy for legal aid which will help you get a maintance order against your spouse/partner.
http://www.legalaidboard.ie/lab/publishing.nsf/Content/Leaflet_2_En/$File/Leaflet 2 30133.pdf

I think that you are wise to look for help for your kids and hopefully you will get what they need

http://www.clanwilliam.ie/index.cfm/loc/2-8.htm

little miss

Obviously, getting the finances sorted is the main priority.

But, I also think its wise you're thinking of your children. No matter how difficult it is, you have to make sure that you don't sound too bitter about it all in front of them or get them stuck in the middle. I've seen it happen, and the effects can be devastating. Does your ex still want to play a part in their lives? Or is he just being a complete prat? I'd say its the guilt speaking if he's saying he's never loved any of you. Its important your children know the facts and that you don't keep them in the dark. But if they want to see their father, you need facilitate and encourage that. Also, make sure that they feel they can talk to you about it and ask questions. There's nothing worse for a child than thinking they can't bring up their father's name. Counselling is very important for you all I think. Best of luck - thinking of you at this horrible time.

fatmammycat

I agree with Litle Miss. If your marriage is over and emotions are running high it's natural to be angry and upset. But try to minimise the hurt and anger you feel towards your husband in front of the children. I know it's hard, but their whole world has been turned upside down-as well as yours- and their Dad has left the family home.
You need to get the financial side of things sorted out immediately, for the sake of your home and children. You may need to do this through the court, but it would be better for everyone concerned if you could sit down with your ex-husband and in a civil forthright manner sort out the arrangements. If this is not possible you can do it through family court.
You also need to sit your children down and make it very clear to them that their parents splitting is not now and never has been because of them and that you will both continue to loved them deeply. You need to make it clear to your children that they will still have both their parents. Don't allow any members of you family to bad mouth your husband in front of them. This is a time to shield your children from more hurt and be very adult in your dealings with their father. Also with your husband's family. If your children have had a good relationship with their paternal grandparents or cousins or Aunts/Uncles, mantain this. It all helps in the adjustment (even if it does not seem it at the time) and adds to the security of your family.
It's heartbreaking when a family breaks down, but you and your husband are adults, and no matter what, the future happiness and stability of your children depends a great deal on how you handle the break up.
I wish you all the luck in the world. It's going to be tough but you can do it.

LegacyUser

I suggest U go out and get a job and pay the bills.
And, what did U do (if anything - be honest)
to cause him to look elsewhere ?

ali.c

unroggggie wrote:

I suggest U go out and get a job and pay the bills.

It takes two to make a child, so therefore both partners irregardless of whether the are together or not have a moral and legal obligation to pay for the maintenace of that child. The women has been dealt a fairly devasting blow, and it is usually both partners decisions if one stays at home to take care of the children.

unroggggie wrote:

And, what did U do (if anything - be honest)
to cause him to look elsewhere ?

Thats even more helpful, seriously in a commited relationship if you are having difficulties the mature thing to do is to try to sort them out, and IMO the decent thing to do if you have any respect for the relationship is to walk away prior to having an affair. Prehaps there were having martial problems, nonetheless it is on both people to make an effort to resolve these parties and the OP is not responsible for her husbands actions.

OP there is some great advice in this thread, children are very aware of what is going on around them when a relationship breaks down it can be very difficult to shield them from the hurt that you are feeling. My parents are seperated and depending on how old they are prehaps a little honesty mightnt hurt. I dont mean your father is a lying cheating blah, but you can explain that things havent worked out and that you are upset about it.

Carrigart Exile

unroggggie wrote:

I suggest U go out and get a job and pay the bills.
And, what did U do (if anything - be honest)
to cause him to look elsewhere ?

Despite being badly put its actually a good idea. If your children are old enough get yourself a job, it gets you out of the house, gets you to meet new people, hopefully builds confidence and gets you money for you earned by you.

tbh

I can tell you why he's being a dick to you - he knows he has behaved badly, and it's easier to blame you than blame himself. It's no consolation, but it sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

DAVE_K

give him 2 choices

a) Either he sorts it out amically and fairly
b) You take him to the cleaners

His choice

Marksie

OP: for legal advise on how to proceed, you had best book an appointment with a solicitor.

trishh

Thanking you all for your advice.

Marksie wrote:

OP: for legal advise on how to proceed, you had best book an appointment with a solicitor.

I have contacted a solicitor, citizens advice and the others mentioned and am trying to sort something short term.

unroggggie wrote:

I suggest U go out and get a job and pay the bills.
And, what did U do (if anything - be honest)
to cause him to look elsewhere ?

You wanted to know what caused him to look elsewhere after 20 years, shall I tell you? He said that I did not have sex with him on one particular night a few years ago and he couldn't get over it !! Does that answer your question? Anything he ever asked my to do, eg, can you wear this? would you do that ?, I always did for him. No matter what I did was never going to be enough obviously. As for a job, I am retraining at the moment and I DO intend to be able to support myself and my children independently in the near future. I supported him for a number of years previously when he didn't work. If he was a gentleman, he wouldn't have starting looking in the papers for "women looking for men" while he was married to me !!

fatmammycat wrote:

You also need to sit your children down and make it very clear to them that their parents splitting is not now and never has been because of them and that you will both continue to loved them deeply. You need to make it clear to your children that they will still have both their parents.

I have already done this with them but he refuses to talk to them about it or explain his actions. They are asking me all the questions because they know he is lying/not telling them the full truth. He is just acting like a pathetic child at the moment.

ali.c wrote:

Prehaps there were having martial problems, nonetheless it is on both people to make an effort to resolve these parties and the OP is not responsible for her husbands actions.

There were no marital problems as far as I was concerned. We regularly went away for weekends together and had a great time and a great laugh together. Before Xmas he began to change, I now realise this was when he started the affair. He got a watch as a Xmas present off her and he told me it was off a male colleague.. different little things. At the end of the day, he lied to me about so much because he obviously decided he wanted something different.. should have left the marriage first though.. would have been easier all round if he stood up and told the truth and not to have taken the coward's way out !

Spyral

You wanted to know what caused him to look elsewhere after 20 years, shall I tell you? He said that I did not have sex with him on one particular night a few years ago and he couldn't get over it !! Does that answer your question? Anything he ever asked my to do, eg, can you wear this? would you do that ?, I always did for him. No matter what I did was never going to be enough obviously. As for a job, I am retraining at the moment and I DO intend to be able to support myself and my children independently in the near future. I supported him for a number of years previously when he didn't work. If he was a gentleman, he wouldn't have starting looking in the papers for "women looking for men" while he was married to me !!

yeah well women aren't just something there for their husbands amusement! :mad:

Just remember with legal stuff have it all IN PAPER!!!!

Carrigart Exile

You wanted to know what caused him to look elsewhere after 20 years, shall I tell you? He said that I did not have sex with him on one particular night a few years ago and he couldn't get over it !! Does that answer your question? Anything he ever asked my to do, eg, can you wear this? would you do that ?, I always did for him. No matter what I did was never going to be enough obviously. As for a job, I am retraining at the moment and I DO intend to be able to support myself and my children independently in the near future. I supported him for a number of years previously when he didn't work. If he was a gentleman, he wouldn't have starting looking in the papers for "women looking for men" while he was married to me !!


Trish you sound a great woman and a wonderful wife. Your husband sounds like the biggest fool in the world and no doubt that will dawn on him very soon. Good luck for your future girl, and never stop telling your kids they are loved to bits. I pray you meet the guy you deserve

trishh

Thanks for that Spyral and especially Carrigart Exile

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Trish you sound a great woman and a wonderful wife. Your husband sounds like the biggest fool in the world and no doubt that will dawn on him very soon. Good luck for your future girl, and never stop telling your kids they are loved to bits. I pray you meet the guy you deserve

Marksie

TrishH: I have to admit that is one of the lamest excuses for an affair i have ever heard. I am sure disbelief was one of the emotions you had when he told you!
Good luck with the courts, how old are the kids by the way. I am guessing after 20 years that they will be teenaged?
How are they taking it?
I suppose he runs the risk of alienating them as well, which is his problem.

Only advice on from all that has gone before is keep looking outward.

trishh

Marksie wrote:

TrishH: I have to admit that is one of the lamest excuses for an affair i have ever heard. I am sure disbelief was one of the emotions you had when he told you!
Good luck with the courts, how old are the kids by the way. I am guessing after 20 years that they will be teenaged?
How are they taking it?
I suppose he runs the risk of alienating them as well, which is his problem.

Only advice on from all that has gone before is keep looking outward.

Yes, Marksie, disbelief was definitely one of the many emotions I have been feeling. I never seen it coming, he was such a good liar. I feel that I never really knew him after all this length, I feel very used indeed.
Youngest child is 12 and I feel bad for the younger kids because they didn't see it coming either.We had our arguments, like everyone else, but none of us seen this coming. He is making the situation much harder to deal with by being agressive with me in front of them while making out it was my fault he had an affair !!