friend raped-dealing with consequences

LegacyUser

My friend told me last nite she was raped about 2 weeks ago by her ex boyfriend. Im flabbergasted-she'd called me that night to come out so she wudnt be alone with him n i IGNORED her text n then the worst possible consequences followed! I feel really guilty i wasnt therei was just in the middle of exams n thought she was over reacting because he was her EX BOYFRIEND ffs! I never imagined he'd hurt her like this!

I hate the bastard and want him dead basically! I told her to report it n told her i'd drive her to the station n go in with her!
Here comes the major problem- his brother is a really nice sweet guy that i'd count as a good mate n i knew he'd be devastated. So i figured (not the best judgment) that i'd tell him myself rather than have him find out i'd tryed to destroy his brother. Realy ****ing bad call! He's naturally distraught n i regret telling him soo much!

She'd kill me if she knew so i'v basically screwd over two realy good mates by trying to "do the right thing"! I know I should be told mind my own business but i decided on impulse and cant retract it now!

To make matters worse we were all out when i fund out so i "got lost" talkin to the lad on the phone and then got so upset i tried to drink myself into oblivion n ****ed onea my best mates outta it because she said i was a lousy friend for drinkin so much n i lost it at her cos all i wanted to do is look after my friends n im failin miserably at that! I insulted her relationship with boyfriend n how shes been actin all year (which i personally think is a result of depression)

I want to help them all and its a horrible horrible situation but if i stay raked with guilt here then im usless to everyone!

AngryBadger

Obviously you had absolutely no business telling the guys brother, you've now made a bad situation 100 times worse. But you know that so I won't dwell on it.

I have to ask why your friend was meeting up with this guy if she was so afraid of him? At the risk of being totally insensitive, why would you agree to meet with a guy if you were so afraid of what he might do that you wanted a friend to come with you to protect you?

In terms of you getting drunk when you found out, and giving out to your other friend, and deciding you think she has depression...honestly you sound like a bit of a flake, first you get pissed drunk when someone tells you they were raped (supposedly) you then go and have a major bust-up with another friend who has nothing to do with the first situation and then (presumably when you weren't drunk) you decide to tell the brother of a guy who may have raped your friend?

All you can do for your friend who says she was raped is encourage her to report it, and speak to her family. Other than that there's nothing you can do.

dame

Yes, you should have minded your own business. Whether the brother of the alleged rapist is a friend of yours or not, you had absolutely no right to go telling him, or anyone else what has been told to you. Are you even sure the girl didn't make it up? I'm not suggesting that she has, I'm just saying that allegations of that sort are extremely damaging to a person's life, and should NOT be spread around, unless a court has decided the event did occur.

You have no reason to feel guilty about not going out with her on a night when you were in the middle of your exams. Of course you should have been concentrating on your exams and don't let her or anyone else make you feel bad about that.

What was she doing going anywhere near him in the first place if she felt she had a reason to fear him, or at least to not want to be alone with him? If in fear, stay away.

Your only role here is to point her in the direction of a Rape Crisis Centre or some counselling and to support her in going to the guards, if she wants you to. Otherwise, you have probably already done more harm than good and should take yourself away from the situation, and not be drawn into anything, either by her or by your other friend, who obvioulsy will have some family loyalty to the alleged perpetrator. Do not tell anyone else. Avoid drinking too much, or any situations where you might find yourself drawn into anger, violence or saying more than you should.

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote:

I have to ask why your friend was meeting up with this guy if she was so afraid of him? At the risk of being totally insensitive, why would you agree to meet with a guy if you were so afraid of what he might do that you wanted a friend to come with you to protect you?

All you can do for your friend who says she was raped is encourage her to report it, and speak to her family. Other than that there's nothing you can do.

No i wouldn't hence i thought she was overreating!
They used to go out- i presumed that he was just annoying her or something!
It never crossed my mind he'd do that- i know his family their really nice people and don't deserve this!

I want her to report it- but i don't want it to ruin my other friedns life!I really dunno what to do- I can't undo whats done and my error in judgement- i just want to minimise the damage!

Twinkle-star15

The best thing you can do now forget about it. As in, stop depressing yourself by thinking you're such a horrible friend etc, because then you'll get all flustered and make things worse. Back out of the situation a little bit, let your friend who was raped know you're there for her any time she needs someone to talk to, and apologise to the friend you got mad at, saying you were just pissed and angry with yourself, and you (wrongly) took it out on her (maybe say it was the booze talking?).

As for the brother, I don't really know what you should do there...does your friend know he knows?

dudara

Just concentrate on being her friend for now. Play a neutral role in this but support her. Try to get her to go to the police, but remember that rape victims can often feel that they won't be "believed".

Have a look at the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre website for help.

AngryBadger

Yeah,look,that was a rhetorical question, and the fact that you attempted to answer it pretty much answers my original question.

As has been pointed out, encourage her to go to rape counselling, and to talk to her family, beyond that, keep your mouth closed.

Victor

im a bitch wrote:

My friend told me last nite she was raped about 2 weeks ago by her ex boyfriend. Im flabbergasted-she'd called me that night to come out so she wudnt be alone with him n i IGNORED her text n then the worst possible consequences followed! I feel really guilty i wasnt therei was just in the middle of exams n thought she was over reacting because he was her EX BOYFRIEND ffs! I never imagined he'd hurt her like this!

There is no need to feel guilty. You didn't rape her and you couldn't have expected someone else to do it.

LegacyUser

Twinkle-star15 wrote:

As for the brother, I don't really know what you should do there...does your friend know he knows?

no...
but shes gonna find out pretty soon- he wants to confront his bro!
i was with him last nite hes in bits he was gettin mad at me n then tellin me he wasnt n its jus gettin more horrible by the minute!
IF theres a confrontation 1. my friends going to find out i told him and broke her confidence 2. im scared of wht his bro will do to him.

I feel waaay to young and stupid to do the right thing- i wish i was a bit omre mature and could've handeled it better!

BeardyGit

It was a really dumb thing to do, getting involved in any of this in the first place. Your friend is the one who should be making allegations through the authorities if anything at all, not you passing on hear-say to the accused's brother, FFS. Anything else you say or do with anyone other than your friend is just causing trouble for a young man who *may* be completely innocent, along with his family and friends. Stop meddling, keep your nose out of their business.

Bring your friend to the Gardaí if she wants to go, or RCC, and be there for her. You're not handling any of this in a mature enough manner to suggest you're up to doing any more for any of them.....

claire-g

im a bitch2 wrote:

no...but shes gonna find out pretty soon

Eh should you not tell her before she finds out from someone else??????????? Honesty is a good foundation for friendship. If she is angry at you then deal with it!!!

And....its not your fault she was raped and its not hers either.

Miss Fluff

claire-g wrote:

Eh should you not tell her before she finds out from someone else??????????? Honesty is a good foundation for friendship. If she is angry at you then deal with it!!!

And....its not your fault she was raped and its not hers either.

It's not your fault she was raped and unfortunately you've learnt the hard way to keep your mouth shut. I do think you owe her the courtesy of telling your friends that you told this guy's brother, she needs to know that he knows.

Twinkle-star15

im a bitch2 wrote:

no...
but shes gonna find out pretty soon- he wants to confront his bro!
i was with him last nite hes in bits he was gettin mad at me n then tellin me he wasnt n its jus gettin more horrible by the minute!
IF theres a confrontation 1. my friends going to find out i told him and broke her confidence 2. im scared of wht his bro will do to him.

I feel waaay to young and stupid to do the right thing- i wish i was a bit omre mature and could've handeled it better!

Then maybe you should tell her you told him, so she doesn't find out from someone else- it'll make things better in the long run. Don't try to interfere with anything else though, and keep talking to everyone involved. I know it seems like the end of the world now, but this won't go on for ever. And you're not too young and stupid- everyone messes up sometimes.

Mighty_Mouse

So i figured (not the best judgment) that i'd tell him myself rather than have him find out i'd tryed to destroy his brother.

wtf !!!
In this situation all you can provide is an ear.
I mean there's professionals for dealing with courses of actions etc etc

From the above sentence it wasnt impulse.
Then you proceeded to get intoxicated and abusive. Again wtf!!!
You werent raped, so where's your excuse for this behaviour.

I mean there's a very very very understandable reason and good chance that your mate after the emotions died down a little would decide against long dragged out legal proceedings.
ie decide that for her the best option is to deal with it and move.

That would be her choice, but due to the fact that she has a muppet like you for a friend; everybody now knows.

Plus; of course you're gonna believe your friend. But you dont know what happens in breakups between two people...........things get very emotional especially if its an acrimonous parting.
But now this bloke whether innocent or guilty will be known by everyone as a rapist without the right to defend himself.

I cant get over your actions. If you were my mate.....Id never speak to you again.

Mr. Incognito

so you..........

1. Blackened a "mate" with rape regardless of whether he did it or not, which incidently you cannot possibly know.

2. Ignored your "friend" and thought she was over-reacting, which as you know her and think it is possible may actually be the case.

3. Told his brother! I mean wtf?

4. Went off and got drunk instead of dealing with your mess.

I think, honestly without putting too fine a point on it you should now do what you should have done in the first place, mind your own business. Do not go trying to fix things or make it better. You can't. You're the sterotypical drama queen who loves to take advantage of every drama and make it your own and all about you you you. The half friend who cries at acquantances weddings. The girl who breaks down after two drinks about that "boyfriend" whom you met twice when you were out and didn't bother calling you after.
I mean this whole posting is just another attention manifestation. I have no problem with people who genuinely need a bit of advice coming here for it as I have myself and found some amazing, clever and resourceful insights, but in your case............. just leave it alone. You've done enough damage.

Hrududu

Serious drama queen. You remind me of so many people i've known that make everything about themselves.

Maple

OP, this is not about you. This is about your friend. You've hijacked this drama and made it your own, your idiocy in telling this guy's brother astounds me. How on earth was that "minimising damage", what possible outcome did you expect from that? But what is done is done, you need to tell your friend what you've done and accept the consequences. Direct your friend to the Rape Crisis Centre, they will give her all the help she needs.

LegacyUser

Congratulations OP you could be biasing any case your friend has against her EX.

Just support Her by being there. end off.

Keep away from the brother etc and stop creating a side-show it will serve no good.
Confront no-one.