getting fed up

LegacyUser

decided to go unreg for this -my problem is similar to that of others

I am a 29yr old female, not particularly bad looking and slim , but I cannot for the life of me attract a guy. I am a workaholic, but I do make time to go out socialising. I have often asked my friends (most of whom are in their late 30s early 40s and of honest character!) if I am approachable, and all of them said yes. So I don’t know where I am going wrong. They can’t understand it either. Believe me I am not sending out desperate signals J

The problem is I have been single for three and a half yrs now and I am starting to get fed up, I would really like to meet a partner who also has a work ethic but likes a bit of fun (don’t necessarily want children just yet) I just don’t seem to attract the attention of anyone decent. I dress normally, I’m not a
not loud person - just very normal. I’ve even tried internet dating but to no avail.

Any advice girls/guys?

the_syco

Ber would give me a warning or a ban if I asked for A/S/L and a picture, so...

What pubs do you goto, and what is the average age of said pubs' clientel? Also, what age are you looking for?

Two example of metal bars: Fibbers and Bruxelles. Fibbers is mainly young, whilst Bruxelles are mainly 30's and up.

My point is that if the pub you're in is full of young people, and you're looking for someone around your age, you may need to find a new watering hole.

seahorse

the_syco wrote:

My point is that if the pub you're in is full of young people, and you're looking for someone around your age, you may need to find a new watering hole.

Are 29 year olds not considered young then? lol

OP I dont really know what to say to you to be honest hon, I've got the opposite problem. I'm 31 now and I've always had a bf, I havent been single for one day, or one minuite, since I was fifteen years old. My relationship history is something akin to a relay race in that respect:eek:

This too has it's problems, it's easy to lose the sense of who you are if there's always someone else around. It's hard to get to know yourself in a situation like mine; if I were single I wouldnt know how to deal with it at this stage, I'd say I'd feel very lost. I'm not expecting any of this to comfort you, but at least you know who you are in the world and that's a good place to start from when you do find a decent bloke. Good luck to you.

biko

My experience with female friends that say "why can't I get a man" is that their standards are raised after being single a long while. Not only do they want a man, they want a man that can offer them something that is better than have fun being single. Maybe you do not seem desperate but picky?

Lots of guys have met you but no-one has stuck around. Out of all these encounters the common denominator is you.

I just don’t seem to attract the attention of anyone decent.

Almost all guys are decent. What you need to figure out is what more you want/need.

Did the Internet dating not yield a single mail?

Reason for my response is that my female friends tend to blame the guys around them rather than their own behaviour. I've seen them reject good guys on really stupid grounds.

CathyMoran

biko wrote:

My experience with female friends that say "why can't I get a man" is that their standards are raised after being single a long while. Not only do they want a man, they want a man that can offer them something that is better than have fun being single. Maybe you do not seem desperate but picky?

Lots of guys have met you but no-one has stuck around. Out of all these encounters the common denominator is you.
Almost all guys are decent. What you need to figure out is what more you want/need.

Did the Internet dating not yield a single mail?

Reason for my response is that my female friends tend to blame the guys around them rather than their own behaviour. I've seen them reject good guys on really stupid grounds.

I would totally agree with this - I have been in relationships with virtually no gap from the age of 23 and I found that was because I was willing to break the mould of what I had traditionally found attractive and while I ended up with my imagined perfect man, I was very tempted by the other guys. Internet dating is a great idea as you can get to meet guys who are a little different to expectations and those relationships can work and do.

Wibbs

gettingfedup wrote:

I am a 29yr old female, not particularly bad looking and slim , but I cannot for the life of me attract a guy.

I guarantee your attracting them all over the place, you're just not seeing it or rejecting the attraction at birth. It's a sellers market after all.

I am a workaholic,

Red flag. Depending how extreme that is, then that is not an attractive feature in either gender(it may be more attractive in a man at first, but wears thin)

but I do make time to go out socialising.

Making time sounds a little forced if you know what I mean. That's just my take.

I have often asked my friends (most of whom are in their late 30s early 40s and of honest character!) if I am approachable, and all of them said yes.

People of any age are not wont to be totally honest with a friend. Indeed often the older they ar the less likely they ar to rock that particular boat.

Believe me I am not sending out desperate signals J

Probably not. You may however be sending out, "i'm not the pushed" signals, with a hint of desperate in the background if someone makes a move. Hard to say. Hard to balance too.

The problem is I have been single for three and a half yrs now and I am starting to get fed up,

That'll come across. It's hard for it not too.

I would really like to meet a partner who also has a work ethic but likes a bit of fun

Seems reasonable.

Any advice girls/guys?

Broaden your criteria.

kaalgat

I think Wibbs has just summed it up pretty well.

Maybe you're just not recognising it when there is some attraction. And maybe you are just a bit picky, the way we all get when we've been on our own for a long time.

Broaden your criteria, as Wibbs said

Donie75

You say that your friends are in their late 30's and early 40's. That's your big problem... If you hang around with people older than you then people will think you are older. Also, your friend probably socialise in older bars so you're not hitting the right target audience. Try going out with a few girls of a similar age and you might get more attention.

Mighty_Mouse

Maybe change your social circle. You seem to be hanging out with older folk who are probably all either married or more prone to quiet pints etc

You're 29!Your social circle should be 27-35. ie people still partying!

Also you've mentioned you're a workaholic/ work ethic etc etc
Most people I know like this are a little straight....ie never over-indulge due to work commitments.
Does your social conversations surround work? Big no no.

Maybe you need to tackle the workaholic issue.
And finally as said above. Broaden your standards. Maybe the tall, dark, a-typical sex-in-the-city man isn't who you're meant to be with.

Gerilee

You sound just like a 31yr old friend of mine, OP. I'll put her situation to you in case it rings any bells for your own:

She has also tried speed dating and internet dating to no avail. She is very committed to her work, and there is nothing wrong with that, and hangs out with an older set of people. She rarely goes to pubs anymore, and prefers evenings in, dinners, bottles of wine, etc. with that same social circle. Nothing wrong with that either, except she doesn't come across the opportunity to meet single menfolk. Which she wants to, and even wants to have kids in the next 5yrs - whether or not she has met Mr. Right.

My take on it could be wrong, because I'm no expert, but from where I'm standing, her issue is this:
She is incredibly self-sufficient and independent, and I think that may be a little off-putting to some men. The air she has about her almost gives the message that she wants for nothing and already has a man in her life.

Her life is so packed that she schedules social outings around her work, as in "makes time" for them, rather than putting her social self as a priority. Therefore, her personal life and sense of personal fulfilment has suffered greatly.

The advice I gave her was to leave her comfort zone - she has sacrificed personal happiness for progress in work, but now realises she wants to focus on herself. Maybe if you move into a new social circle, whether through a club, or whatever, or maybe even approach the dating scene with the same ambition you'd approach work and set yourself a target to have forged new friendships or begun a different type of leisure activity to see if you come across more datable guys.

Whatever you do, don't settle for second best.

Blackpitts

Gerilee wrote:

She is incredibly self-sufficient and independent, and I think that may be a little off-putting to some men. The air she has about her almost gives the message that she wants for nothing and already has a man in her life.

Her life is so packed that she schedules social outings around her work, as in "makes time" for them, rather than putting her social self as a priority. Therefore, her personal life and sense of personal fulfilment has suffered greatly.

Am i the only man who likes self-sufficient and independent girls?
seriously guys, I was with girls dependent on me and it was awful, I felt like i was responsible for 2 lives, mine and theirs.
Personally i'd love to have a gf with a clear idea about her future and with a career, i wouldn't take this as a threat to my manhood....
the the OP, try to find a hobby (i.e. salsa, trekking, photograpy) and go to courses and events, there are a lot of guys looking for someone to share a passion and ready to know new people.
best of luck

Gemini Sister

gettingfedup wrote:

decided to go unreg for this -my problem is similar to that of others

I am a 29yr old female, not particularly bad looking and slim , but I cannot for the life of me attract a guy. I am a workaholic, but I do make time to go out socialising. I have often asked my friends (most of whom are in their late 30s early 40s and of honest character!) if I am approachable, and all of them said yes. So I don’t know where I am going wrong. They can’t understand it either. Believe me I am not sending out desperate signals J

The problem is I have been single for three and a half yrs now and I am starting to get fed up, I would really like to meet a partner who also has a work ethic but likes a bit of fun (don’t necessarily want children just yet) I just don’t seem to attract the attention of anyone decent. I dress normally, I’m not a
not loud person - just very normal. I’ve even tried internet dating but to no avail.

Any advice girls/guys?

Hi gettingfedup,

I'm 33 and have been single on & off for yrs but now in something (though those of you who made a read my thread last week are probably rolling their eyes right now...:o )
However, this is your thread with your probs & like I said, I have alot of experience of the single game and so do my mates - but what we never had was a major shortage of men, so here's how we do it:

Make meeting someone the objective of your night. Ditch the olders mates for this purpose. Don't go out in big groups - one other girl is ideal, maybe two. When you walk into a pub, sit right at the bar where you can easily be seen or approached. Dress up, look feminine and smile alot, you want to look like you're a laugh. Be aware of your surroundings. Choose the pub by the kind of guy you wanna meet, gigs are also excellent for this cause guys are often more into music, but make sure you can be seen. Cast your eye around the pub. Spot target, make eye contact, then look shyly away - you want him to think he's in control here.Do this several times with same target, he'll undertsand and feel comfortable to approach. Be open & friendly to anyone who talks to you - a few words won't hurt. Ask them about themselves, and laugh at their jokes, guys love that.
Don't take them home, give them your number. If you're really smart you can walk away at this point and repeat procedure in other pub - double your chances! Don't feel too hurt if they don't call, just be flattered by the attention you enjoyed and stay happy go lucky about it.
Always carry yourself like you're a really attractive girl, I know girls who are stunning but hide in a corner and I know girls who are average but act like they're hot and they're the ones who score.
The more often you're out the more guys you'll meet. Expect alot of dead ends, but remember you only need one guy. You may have to date twenty guys to meet one, but enjoy the journey.
But remember, this is as important as your career. Work it baby :cool:

ladylorenzo

Gemini Sister wrote:

Hi gettingfedup,

I'm 33 and have been single on & off for yrs but now in something (though those of you who made a read my thread last week are probably rolling their eyes right now...:o )
However, this is your thread with your probs & like I said, I have alot of experience of the single game and so do my mates - but what we never had was a major shortage of men, so here's how we do it:

Make meeting someone the objective of your night. Ditch the olders mates for this purpose. Don't go out in big groups - one other girl is ideal, maybe two. When you walk into a pub, sit right at the bar where you can easily be seen or approached. Dress up, look feminine and smile alot, you want to look like you're a laugh. Be aware of your surroundings. Choose the pub by the kind of guy you wanna meet, gigs are also excellent for this cause guys are often more into music, but make sure you can be seen. Cast your eye around the pub. Spot target, make eye contact, then look shyly away - you want him to think he's in control here.Do this several times with same target, he'll undertsand and feel comfortable to approach. Be open & friendly to anyone who talks to you - a few words won't hurt. Ask them about themselves, and laugh at their jokes, guys love that.
Don't take them home, give them your number. If you're really smart you can walk away at this point and repeat procedure in other pub - double your chances! Don't feel too hurt if they don't call, just be flattered by the attention you enjoyed and stay happy go lucky about it.
Always carry yourself like you're a really attractive girl, I know girls who are stunning but hide in a corner and I know girls who are average but act like they're hot and they're the ones who score.
The more often you're out the more guys you'll meet. Expect alot of dead ends, but remember you only need one guy. You may have to date twenty guys to meet one, but enjoy the journey.
But remember, this is as important as your career. Work it baby :cool:

This all sounds very clinical and technical but it is bang. It is like working a room and once you find the one you want, you need to make him aware of you - you need to shine like a star amongst all the other girls that may be in the vicinity. And to do this, you must be subtle yet noticeable, Sexy but not slutty and fun but not loud. Practice, practice, practice ..and you will soon learn what works. But seriousy, take on what 'Gemini Sister' the wise has said..it can really work. Good Luck! LL

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Maybe I’m not putting enough enthusiasm into it as I thought I was!
Just out of interest, does self sufficiency come across as arrogance? I actually don’t want for anything but is this something I should try to avoid from being evident?

biko

Self sufficiency can come across as being aloof or disinterest, "Yeah, I'll ring you sometime" or "See you around some time".

I think you need to show a real interest in a guy, we are quite stupid actually and a lot of guys will not be forward because it can come across as offensive/ stalking. Don't be afraid to approach someone yourself.

This is a bit corny but you get the gist http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-find-a-husband & http://www.videojug.com/film/how-can-i-look-more-approachable-2#

I videojug

MojoMaker

gettingfedup wrote:

I actually don’t want for anything

I think we found the core of the issue.

LegacyUser

MojoMaker wrote:

I think we found the core of the issue.

Thank you, so helpful
Let me re-phrase that - I am not a gold digger. I can provide for myself financially.

Carrigart Exile

Blackpitts wrote:

Am i the only man who likes self-sufficient and independent girls?
seriously guys, I was with girls dependent on me and it was awful, I felt like i was responsible for 2 lives, mine and theirs.
Personally i'd love to have a gf with a clear idea about her future and with a career, i wouldn't take this as a threat to my manhood....
the the OP, try to find a hobby (i.e. salsa, trekking, photograpy) and go to courses and events, there are a lot of guys looking for someone to share a passion and ready to know new people.
best of luck

I so agree with this, some folks do clingy and needy I adore independent women (my wife has just clouted me around the ear and insisted I change that to woman). Being single has its advantages (not getting clouted round the ear being one of them) but I can understand your frustrations.

dellas1979

Sorry, look your first and last line says it all really "I am a 29yr old female, not particularly bad looking and slim" and your last "I dress normally, I’m not a not loud person - just very normal."

Whats that supposed to mean? If you are old, apparently ugly and fat, with bad dress sense that you have a lesser chance of meeting someone?

Are you one of these people who bases things on looks / the way someone dresses?

I think a little change in attitude could go along way - I do not mean that in any way offensively, but if thats all you think it takes to attact a partner, then you are mistaken.

muppetkiller

Do I have to raise the whole Singles Boards night out again ?
Mods where can I put up a thread for it ?
OP there are so many people on this site that we'd fill a small country ( wait a min..lol)
I'm male in exactly the same boat have you tried myspace/facebook sites ?
I think it's a great way to meet people.

LegacyUser

Great idea muppetkiller... !! Do you think people would actually go....... How would you arrange it??

ladylorenzo

gettingfedup wrote:

Thanks for all the replies.

Maybe I’m not putting enough enthusiasm into it as I thought I was!
Just out of interest, does self sufficiency come across as arrogance? I actually don’t want for anything but is this something I should try to avoid from being evident?

From personal experience, I dont think that self-suffficiency comes accross as arrogance. The thing is, men are predatory beings...it is in their blood to find their partner of choice and to then provide for that partner and their family. They are built to be the main providers- it all goes back to the man going out to hunt for their food and to keep their family safe and secure. So men generally(I dont want to get in trouble for making generalisations!) like to feel needed. They like the chase at the beginning but then they like to feel a sense of validation and purpose. So if you make it clear from the beginning that you want for nothing and that you dont need anythnig from the man, you're giving out signals that really, the man will serve no real puprose in your life other than the obvious!
I'm not saying they want 'neediness'..they hate that..but do try not to come accross as over-independent. At the end of the day, there's a reason you started this thread OP..just dont be afraid to let guys see a a little bit of vulnerability. Good luck LL

muppetkiller

ladylorenzo wrote:

men are predatory beings...

:rolleyes: If anything women are the predators and will go for a another womans man.

Can ask you a question OP ...have you made any effort to approach a man or do you just sit there and look pretty ? When on the internet dating did you send any messages to any men ?

LegacyUser

muppetkiller wrote:

:rolleyes: If anything women are the predators and will go for a another womans man.

Can ask you a question OP ...have you made any effort to approach a man or do you just sit there and look pretty ? When on the internet dating did you send any messages to any men ?

Yes, I have approached guys when i am out, but i have found most of them to be very rude. There was something similar to this on another thread recently.I have generally found that guys over 35 (& also usually married)
are chatty but guys around my own age group are very stand offish (unless they're drunk!)
- just some unlucky experiences i suppose.
Internet dating just isn't for me. I did send a few messages some replied, others didn't - nothing promising ever came out of it.

thanks again for the answers, it seems there are a few people in similar situations