relationship trashed over troubled teen - what to do???

LegacyUser

My bf's son robbed my home about two years ago. He was caught right in the act climbing out the back window by a friend of mine. What bothered me most about it was that I was black and blue at the time with my arm in a splint after an operation to reattach severed tendons, I was in a lot of pain - talk about kicking a person when they're down.

Fast forward to one year ago; I move my bf and the same son into my home and we try to make a go of it as a step family. I knew his son had a lot of problems but I wanted to be compassionate and try to help him, and I loved his dad so of course was willing to make a go of it as much for his sake as for his sons.

Things went wrong right from the word go, the litany of disasters, oh God, I'm ashamed of how much crap I put up with. I was repaid with months of drunkenness, cannabis abuse, regular language to his father so disrespectful in tone it made my stomach turn to hear it, late night trips to the police station, threats to burn out my car, sneaking young girls into the house at 5.30 am then when caught demanding to his dad "SHE'S STAYING AND THAT'S THE F--K-ING END OF IT"! and to cap it all a vicious assault on his dad where he threw a string of headbutts into his face till we were both covered in his blood and I jumped in the middle to try to seperate them. He then grabbed a heavy glass ashtray and tried to smash it into his fathers head but thankfully, in his drunken stupor, dropped it.

He lived in our home twice over the last year. I only took him back the second time for his dads sake. We threw him out twice, the first time (after the headbutting incident) his dad threw him out. The second time (after the drunken 5.30 am incident) his dad also threw him out, but was willing to let him back; I had to step in there and threaten him that I wasnt having him back and that if he pushed the point with me I'd end the relationship. I have a 13 year old son and I have to say I'm ashamed of what he's seen and heard over the last year. There is no way IN HELL I could put myself or my son through that again. Now, here's where the situation stands at the moment:

We hadnt seen or heard of him for a few months and just over a week ago ran into him in public. His dad took him back here for a cup of tea, and hey presto, very conveniently for him, he had a row with his mother two nights after that. He arrived at the door, asked could he spend the night, was told yes and basically moved himself back in without even bothering to ask! His dad asked him, on the second and the third night, when was he going to sort things out with his mother? Of course he'd no intention of doing so as he has an easier life with us; his mother is a vicious drunken drug abusing weapon of a woman and you dont have to look any further to see where he gets his behaviour. My bf split up with her a long long time ago, his son was still in nappies at the time.

Something that really annoys me about all this is that it’s so obvious that his son initiated or at least behaved more aggressively than usual during a row with his mother in order to get his feet under the table in our place again, any fool could see it – any fool except his father.

Anyway, on his fifth night here I just flipped out and told his dad he couldnt stay here anymore, that I wasnt willing to put myself or my son through it for a third time and he'd no right to expect me to. His son hadnt put a foot wrong at that stage, but I knew from past experience it was only a matter of time and my nerves were gone waiting on the bomb to hit. He told his son he couldnt stay, then started this BS with me saying "he's staying in his friends house tonight, but can he stay here tomorrow cause he has to be out of there at 9am". Well people, I regret, but am not ashamed to say I just flipped. I told my bf no, he couldnt, and while he was at it he could pack his own f--k-ing bags because I wasnt going to be pressured to ruin our lives all over again and since he had no respect for me or any kind of consideration he might as well f--k-off too - and he did.

We've had some text conversation since, where he maintains "he's my son and if I dont do everything in my power to help him I'll regret it my whole life". My bf packed up everything he owned the other night and has moved in with his son. I'm heartbroken cause my relationship is trashed but cant help feeling resentful towards him cause I feel it was an act of mental cruelty for him to expect me to live with all that again.

Well, after that lengthily rant, if any Einstein out there can see a way out of this mess I'd be eternally grateful! I think it'd take Einstein, I honestly do, but if you cant see a way out of it, please tell me, above all else, (because my bf is trying to make out that he's hard done by here and I havent done enough to help), surely to God anyone in my situation, with their own sanity and an impressionable 13 year old in the house to consider, would have done the same?

(Sorry for the ridiculous legnth of this post by the way, just needed to get all this off my chest. Am very upset right now)

Beruthiel

upsetgirl502 wrote:

surely to God anyone in my situation, with their own sanity and an impressionable 13 year old in the house to consider, would have done the same?

Not only would I have done the same, but I would have do it the very first time the lad behaved in that manner.
Your first duty is to your son, he is at the age that requires your time to make sure he never turns out like that yob, you must concentrate on him, I hope you discussed the whole thing with him and gotten him to talk about it with you? Communication is important to know whats going on in his head.

If your b/f ex was as bad as you say, how come the child wasn't taken from her and the child given to him?
As for your b/f doing all in his power to help his son, it's too late.
You didn't say his age, but I'm guessing at least 17/18? If you wish a child to have any kind of respect for you as a parent, that work must be done from birth to 10 or so, after that it gets much more difficult to change their ways and by 18 you can forget it. If he's not prepared to do it himself then it's never going to happen.
Though you are finding this very difficult, my advice to you would be to get on with your own life, it's too short for that kind of abusive crap. You can only be happier alone than having to deal with that on a regular basis.
Put your time into your son and keep yourself busy. If you wish to move on from your ex, then cut all contact and the healing process with be quicker.
I wish you the best of luck.

The Hill Billy

Beruthiel has said it all.
All I can add is to say fair dues for having the the balls to do what you did eventually.
Stay strong for your boy & best of luck in the future.

HashSlinging

Think your B/F is taking the piss here, you say that he has moved in with you, well he should get his own place for starters now and sort out his personal life, if he loves you its the very least he can do, and it sounds like you could all do with a break.

milod

What Beruthiel says OP...

If your b/f's son is that far gone, nothing his father does right now can force him to mend his ways. He may cop on in his twenties, but it's only something the lad can do by himself, the damage is already done.

I have two teenage sons, and it's a precarious balance to keep them on track, so I know the difficulties you face. I hate to say it, but this may be an either/or choice unless your b/f realises that he can't expect you to risk your own child just to make him feel better.

Your b/f dropped the ball somewhere along the line and allowed his son to get to this situation and now expects you to risk everything you have to help him clear up the mess and salve his conscience.

Stick to your guns though - you've chosen the lesser of two evils here and all you can hope for is that your b/f can reason his way through this and realise that you aren't being unreasonable.

Caliden

You could propose to sit both your BF and his son down and talk about the situation. Set out some ground rules if you feel your BF's son can obey them. Mention to him the alternative of living with his drunken mother.

Heinrich

Caliden wrote:

You could propose to sit both your BF and his son down and talk about the situation. Set out some ground rules if you feel your BF's son can obey them. Mention to him the alternative of living with his drunken mother.

I doubt if this is even a good idea. You are suggesting that the son might obey his father! The son is agressive and has headbutted the father. Sorry, LOST CAUSE!

Marksie

upsetgirl502 wrote:

We've had some text conversation since, where he maintains "he's my son and if I dont do everything in my power to help him I'll regret it my whole life".

His son is 18 and has an engrained behaviour pattern. Earlier in your post you say your B/F left the mother while the son was in nappies. Was he there doing everythying in his power then, when it mattered?

To be honest, you have done the right thing for YOUR son and yourself. You may consider it to be a mess now, but given time if you look back you will see that yuo have avoided an infinitely worse situation.

What Beruthiel says is correct. All we can do is support you in your decision and reinterate that it is exactly the right thing to have done and that you will get over it in time.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Not only would I have done the same, but I would have do it the very first time the lad behaved in that manner.

Thank you Beruthiel, and everyone else. It's comforting to hear I havent failed my relaltionship as my bf seems to be making out. He sent me a text the other day saying "I would have supported you if your son had had problems, I'm sorry I was foolish to expect the same". But I DID support him; he just expected me to make my son the sacrificial lamb for his, and I couldnt continue to do that, my consience wouldnt let me. I responded to that text by saying "If my son was 23 instead of 13 and much further down the road in terms of social problems, if he was selling drugs wholesale and doing jumpovers, would you expect your son to live looking at that"? He didnt bother to respond to that text, and I have no clue if it's message sank in at all.

It's a wonder I forgot to mention anything in that message what with the legnth of it! Yes, his son is seventeen and he'll be eighteen before '07 is out, so as far as I'm concerned he's not a young child, he's a young adult. My bf seems to have the idea that he wants to raise this boy right, and is closing his eyes to the fact that the raising is already done.

Beruthiel wrote:

If your b/f ex was as bad as you say, how come the child wasn't taken from her and the child given to him?

He was at one point. And I understand how it could look like he couldnt have done much for his son what with his sons behaviour, but the truth is that he's the only positive influence his son has ever had in the parental sense. I wont take that away from him. He loves his son and has always tried to do the best he could for him, which is part of why he's finding it so hard to open his eyes to the reality of how deeply difficult it is to for someone else to live with his sons behaviour. I suppose it's easier for him to believe I'm just a selfish b!tch.

I'm hopeful for my bf's sake, and for his sons, that he'll get his act together at some point in the not too distant future; I just cant wait for that point while my own son is watching this sort of BS. I'd never forgive myself.

Beruthiel wrote:

If you wish to move on from your ex, then cut all contact and the healing process with be quicker.

That's the problem Beruthiel, I certainly dont. I love his dad to bits and am an emotional wreak over what's happened. You wouldnt believe how different the dads charachtar and behaviours are from his sons, only for the obvious physical resemblance you'd wonder how one could have made the other at all.

LegacyUser

milod wrote:

If your b/f's son is that far gone, nothing his father does right now can force him to mend his ways. He may cop on in his twenties, but it's only something the lad can do by himself, the damage is already done.

I have two teenage sons, and it's a precarious balance to keep them on track, so I know the difficulties you face. I hate to say it, but this may be an either/or choice unless your b/f realises that he can't expect you to risk your own child just to make him feel better.

That's what I'm hoping; that his son will cop on at some point and I reckon that could possibly happen after another five years or so of wildness, I just cant have those five years with my son under the same roof cause at that point, with that sort of influence, my son would be in his late teens himself and ready to go out and start the same BS in how own life.

Thanks Milod, it's especially reassuring to hear from somebody with teenaged sons in the house.

Things werent just difficult with his son when he went off his head. He was generally deeply disrespectful of his father in the way that he spoke and behaved towards him and I found it just awful to see and hear that, because it was hurtful in the first place and also because I knew his father felt belittled and humiliated by it and of course that just made it much worse. I dont think he even understands it's precisely because I love him that I found some of these behaviours so hard to take.

Also there were smaller things, but daily things, which were difficult to put up with. Like EVERY SINGLE TIME he went to the toilet I'd either have sh!t to wash off the bowl or piss to wipe off the seat - or both. I mean we're talking about a lad of seventeen who wasnt bloody potty trained! EVERY SINGLE TIME he'd make something to eat he'd wreak the place like the cookie monster had just eaten lunch. And EVERY SINGLE TIME he'd be called in the morning we'd be in for a row; all he wanted to do was sleep till 3pm, which wasnt unusual considering the amount of drink or hash he'd have put away the night before.

The most difficult aspect of living with his son wasnt even the big issues, like the violence, it was waiting for them to happen, and the CONSTANT stress that that caused.

I'm not saying there was no decency or goodness in the lad, there was. He had his dads same dry sense of humour and there was a loving gentle side to him, you just didnt see it nearly often enough to make up for all the other BS. Only a few weeks ago he was in court because he attacked a hospital security guard who was trying to restrain him. He had been found at the side of the road out of it on drink and pills and when he was revived in the hospital he started attacking the people who were trying to help him. The security guard pressed charges and the case was struck out on some sort of technicality. So you see, this is the type of behavioural problems were talking about here, and if the last instance was only the other week (he was living in his mothers at that time) I know the next one isnt too far in the future.

I'm not trying to style my own son as any sort of saint. My son is messy on a scale that there isnt a person on this thread I wouldnt be ashamed to show the state of his bedroom. My son is a messy little b@stard, but this is small potatoes in comparison to what I had to deal with in his.

Despite everything I still feel a strong sense of guilt that his son has been made to feel unwanted again by my having refused to have him back here, which is the scenario he regularly has every time his mother throws him out, which probably has a lot to do with his behaviours in the first place. And I feel a strong sense of guilt that his dad had to tell him I didnt want him here too, that must have been such a hard thing for him to have to tell his son. If I had no child of my own I'd NEVER have thrown him out, no matter WHAT he did, I'd have observed his fathers wishes on the matter; but that is not the case, I've got a son to think about too.

I'm just so very sad right now, I wanted a future with this man, who I love very very deeply, and this situation is all that I can think of at this time.

I'd really like to encourage everybody who's read this far to post their comment here, big or small, and opinion irrespective, because I'm considering showing this thread to my bf (or ex? dont know what he is to me now:() I dont think it'd do him any harm to see what popular opinion is on the issue.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

His son is 18 and has an engrained behaviour pattern. Earlier in your post you say your B/F left the mother while the son was in nappies. Was he there doing everythying in his power then, when it mattered?

Thank you for your reassuring response Marksie, but there's just one point I need to clear up here: My bf did not leave his sons mother. She ended the relationship because of his reaction to the lifestyle she wanted them to lead; her pressurising him to deal drugs, house full of stolen goods, etc.

He decided he wasnt having any of that and she decided she'd boot him out cause she'd rather be a gangsters moll. She fulfilled her wish and had a couple more kids with a well known dealer.

Basically my bf got the wrong woman pregnant the guts of twenty years ago and has been paying for it every day since.

Beruthiel

upsetgirl502 wrote:

He was generally deeply disrespectful of his father in the way that he spoke and behaved towards him and I found it just awful to see and hear that, because it was hurtful in the first place and also because I knew his father felt belittled and humiliated by it and of course that just made it much worse.

He has absolutely no respect for his father therefore his behaviour will not change towards him.
Why is it that his father did not instill this respect?
You know there has been many a wayward teenager who would still come home and behave in front of their parents as they would know they'd be in for it otherwise.
I honestly cannot understand how your b/f has a snowballs chance in hell of sorting him out without that respect being there.

I dont think he even understands it's precisely because I love him that I found some of these behaviours so hard to take.

Have you told him this?

I mean we're talking about a lad of seventeen who wasnt bloody potty trained!

If that happened in my house then a lesson on how to clean the bathroom would have followed along with an explaination on how it was to never to happen again now that he knows the way you expect to see your bathroom.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he'd make something to eat he'd wreak the place like the cookie monster had just eaten lunch.

Was he asked to clean up after himself?

And EVERY SINGLE TIME he'd be called in the morning we'd be in for a row; all he wanted to do was sleep till 3pm, which wasnt unusual considering the amount of drink or hash he'd have put away the night before.

Is he still in school?
If not, does he have a job?
He would be doing one or the other if he lived under my roof.

The most difficult aspect of living with his son wasnt even the big issues, like the violence, it was waiting for them to happen, and the CONSTANT stress that that caused.

Did ye at any time sit him down and talk to him when he's in a fair mood? Have you discussed his behaviour with him in a calm and rational manner?

Only a few weeks ago he was in court because he attacked a hospital security guard who was trying to restrain him. He had been found at the side of the road out of it on drink and pills and when he was revived in the hospital he started attacking the people who were trying to help him. The security guard pressed charges and the case was struck out on some sort of technicality. So you see, this is the type of behavioural problems were talking about here, and if the last instance was only the other week (he was living in his mothers at that time) I know the next one isnt too far in the future.

Again, I have to wonder why you are bothering, I know you love his father, but seriously, from what you are saying, he is truly a lost cause.
A sad state of affairs for his Da, but unless the lad wishes to help himself you may as well talk to the wall.

Despite everything I still feel a strong sense of guilt that his son has been made to feel unwanted again by my having refused to have him back here

Eh, now that's twisted thinking.
His behaviour is not welcome, he was allowed to stay, you gave him more than one chance, he abused that and now he is reaping the consequences of his behaviour (that's basic parenting 101)
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, he has only himself to blame.

And I feel a strong sense of guilt that his dad had to tell him I didnt want him here too, that must have been such a hard thing for him to have to tell his son.

This lad is well old enough to understand why you did what you did. Again, he has only himself to blame and he needs to understand that.

If I had no child of my own I'd NEVER have thrown him out, no matter WHAT he did

More fool you. If you live under my roof then you respect me and my house rules.
I have an 19 year old daughter, she would never dream of behaving in that manner cos she knows what would happen if she did.

because I'm considering showing this thread to my bf (or ex? dont know what he is to me now:() I dont think it'd do him any harm to see what popular opinion is on the issue.

I agree with you.
On the off chance he does read this, I would suggest sitting down and talking to the lad when he receptive, ask him what he wishes to do about his behaviour and his life in general. Does he want help with sorting himself out?
See if he is up for seeing a professional. In fact, I would see it as helpful if the father was to see a professional too.
Again, if he's not willing to help himself, there is not a thing in the world you can do for him at this stage, he's too old.

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to post all that Beruthiel; the reason why his son hasnt got a shread of respect for his dad is because he's been listening to his mother rant on about what a b@stard he is for the guts of eighteen years. That can have a serious psychological affect on a young person growing up.

I dont intend to ever live with his son again, it's my relationship I'm worried about now. I'm not saying I'll never take an interest in his sons welfare, just that I cant live with him. Has anyone any suggestions on how I can make things better with his dad? I know he's hurt and torn over all this. We are in something of a similar position he and I; we love eachother but have reached, as I said to him, and impossible impasse over our two kids. He's looking out for his son and I'm looking out for mine. So what the hell do I do to make things better between us from here? Or is that even possible, do people think? I'm asking myself here is it likely he'll resent me too much? Or is it likely he'll see sense and come to realise I had no other choice?

I think anyone with a bit of cop on in his situation would, after the extremity of emotion subsides, come to realise that I had no other choice. I wonder do people generally agree with that?

(Sorry for posting my arse off about this, am just really upset)

Beruthiel

upsetgirl502 wrote:

Thanks for taking the time to post all that Beruthiel; the reason why his son hasnt got a shread of respect for his dad is because he's been listening to his mother rant on about what a b@stard he is for the guts of eighteen years. That can have a serious psychological affect on a young person growing up.

Unless the father was in regular, constant contact with the child through his life? Kids aren't stupid, if the father put time and effort into him, he would have known this to be untrue.

Or is that even possible, do people think?

Not unless your b/f wants it to be possible.

I'm asking myself here is it likely he'll resent me too much?

He has no right to resent you for anything, you did more than most of us would.

Or is it likely he'll see sense and come to realise I had no other choice?

Only he can answer that one.

come to realise that I had no other choice. I wonder do people generally agree with that?

I don't know how many different ways I can tell you that if you had done anything else you'd have been more than a tad stupid.

cance

relationships are hard, and its brickwalls like this that can cause their demise.You are very much stuck between a rock and a hard place but its your parental duty to provide a safe living environment for your son.

Your ex BF's son is on a downward spiral, and will either end up in jail or worse if he does not sort himself out pronto. Supporting your ex BF is one thing, but you cannot jeprodise your sons well being. Your bf's son needs help, and this is not something you can help with unless the father can see this too.

To be perfectly honest, if your BF can not see his sons problems and deal with them, then it would be crazy to consider continuing this relationship.

i just hope the father gets his son some help, as i really fear for his own safety with that monster in his care.

togster

I understand your problem op but to be frank i have no sympathy. It is your duty as a mother to protect your son and you have failed to do so in the past you must cut all ties with this crazy situation. Both you and in particular your son deserve better. Your son is at an extremely impressive age. Actions speak louder than words. To a teenage boy if you allow this to to occur in his home you are in a way condoning it. Sorry if this sounds harsh but someone needs to tell you....
Good luck

Marksie

upsetgirl502 wrote:

I dont intend to ever live with his son again, it's my relationship I'm worried about now. I'm not saying I'll never take an interest in his sons welfare, just that I cant live with him. Has anyone any suggestions on how I can make things better with his dad?

The thing is its not up to you. You are doing exactly right for yourself and your kid. Its your b/friends responsibility to realise this.
After all, legally his child is now an adult. Yours isn't.
Time may sort it out, but stick to your guns, because the son is likely to continue. next time he might not miss with the ashtray he may hit the wrong person or may be even more violent.
You cannot take the chance, neiother should you be expected to. If your B/friend cannot see this he is wilfully ignoring it (and yeah you can show hime the post lol)

upsetgirl502 wrote:

We are in something of a similar position he and I; we love eachother but have reached, as I said to him, and impossible impasse over our two kids. He's looking out for his son and I'm looking out for mine.

Umm i don't recall anywhere you saying anything about your son behaving in the fashion his does. So no your are not in a similar position.

upsetgirl502 wrote:

So what the hell do I do to make things better between us from here? Or is that even possible, do people think? I'm asking myself here is it likely he'll resent me too much? Or is it likely he'll see sense and come to realise I had no other choice?)

Its a Catch 22 at the moment as the resentment will be on both sides.
He may come to his senses, but probably after its sinks in what his son is really like.
To be honest i don't know if reconciliation is posiible in the short term or long term. It really depend on one major factor..the son. If he actually does something constructive, maybe, if not then it will always remain between you.

upsetgirl502 wrote:

I think anyone with a bit of cop on in his situation would, after the extremity of emotion subsides, come to realise that I had no other choice. I wonder do people generally agree with that?

(Sorry for posting my arse off about this, am just really upset)

Simple answer: YES.
The emotion has to die down though.
You are determined that things will not be like the past. If in the end he doesnt respect that and deal with it, then he ultimately is the loser.

Shelli

Is it not possible to keep seeing your boyfriend while he lives elsewhere with his son?

Surely he has to understand, that you, just like him, have to put your son first. If his son it nearly 18 and that kind of person, I'll bet that the novelty of living with his Dad will wear off pretty soon.

If you were able to keep seeing each other, you'd both feel like you were doing the right thing, you and your son would be protected from his son, and he would be able to try to help his son.

OS119

upsetgirl502 wrote:

it's my relationship I'm worried about now.

why?

your ex-BF is from the family from hell, has been utterly useless as a father figure, is obviously a complete sucker for the most obvious sob stories, most importantly by continually allowing the ferral child to stay with you pisses over your (and his?) responsibilities to your own child, and after 20-odd years of adult life doesn't have his own place.

hmmm... catch.

fecking harsh, but your son will thank you getting this animal and his wastrel father well out of your lives.

dame

Shelli wrote:

Is it not possible to keep seeing your boyfriend while he lives elsewhere with his son?

Exactly what I was wndering.

If the son doesn't have a job then he should be given no money by his father from here on (of course the father can allow him to live with him if he is still willing to keep trying and he can provide food, but that's it). He should be forced to look after himself, go to work, buy his own clothes, pay some rent to his father, etc. The son sounds like an absolute waste of space, time and effort at this stage. Leaving him responsibility for himself really is the only way he is going to ever cop on.

As for the father, his time has really run out for changing the relationship with his son. I wonder did he have any contact at all with his son during his earlier years as a schoolkid or did his conscience and his feelings towards his own son change when he saw your own good relationship with your son? Perhaps he felt an urge to try harder with his own son then to gain the closeness that he sees you have with your son, and let him walk all over him until things eventually got as bad as they have? To be honest, he doesn't sound like much of a father to me.

You've said that the boy's mother is a drunk and a drug addict with a drug dealer boyfriend. What are the boy's younger half-siblings like? Are they being looked after appropriately and are they going to school? Has the family been noticed by social services at all?

Finally, you definitely did the right thing, for yourself and for your son but also probably for your boyfriend. It may make him realise just how bad his son is and how he has effectively been enabling this behaviour by allowing it. Your son needs to see you enforce rules and be strong. It will also help him in his own future relationships with women. That may sound strange, but if he sees you putting up with anything and everything he may later feel his own girlfriends/wife should also put up with whatever crap he likes to throw at them.

It sounds like you are a good strong woman. You do not need a man who will expect you to put up with that BS. Of course it's painful when a relationship breaks up, but you had to take a stand. If he can't see that, then you are better off to cut all ties with him completely.

redfacedbear

I think the father is getting a rather hard time in the last few posts. My reading of the OP's posts is that the father has done as much as he can for his son but given the highly unstable family background on the mother's side there is only so much of a positive influence that he could possibly be.

As a parent I can also understand him not wanting to give up on his son even at this very late stage - it sounds as if the son needs all the help he can get. The father is in for a very rough ride while he trys to help him, he has my respect.

However I do think that the father is being unreasonable in expecting the OP to go along with him on this venture. As has been said again and again, the OP's priority has to be her own son and has given as much leeway as possible (and perhaps too much).

OP: as far as your relationship goes, the only way forward that I can see is to find some method of being together but living apart. If your b/f continues to blame you for his moving out, I don't think this will be possible.

Good luck.

BaZmO*

upsetgirl502 wrote:

I'd really like to encourage everybody who's read this far to post their comment here, big or small, and opinion irrespective, because I'm considering showing this thread to my bf (or ex? dont know what he is to me now:() I dont think it'd do him any harm to see what popular opinion is on the issue.

If I were you, the one thing that I definitely would not do is show him this thread.
If ever there was a thing that would cause an argument it's to show him a list of strangers telling him that he's wrong. Personally I'd be p1ssed off if someone done that to me.

If you really need to tell him how you feel but reckon that a conversation would lead to an argument or that you wouldn't get all your points across write him a letter explaining how you feel about the situation.

Don't write it in a way that would put the blame for everything solely at his door but explain to him that the most important responsibility in your life at the moment is the welfare of your son.
He may read it, he may not read it but at least you can be guaranteed that you've told him exactly how you feel.

LegacyUser

redfacedbear wrote:

I think the father is getting a rather hard time in the last few posts. My reading of the OP's posts is that the father has done as much as he can for his son but given the highly unstable family background on the mother's side there is only so much of a positive influence that he could possibly be.

Thanks Redfacedbear, this is absolutly true, you have read the situation exactly. Somebody referred to my bf as a waster who didnt even have his own home after twenty odd years of adult life! I dont know where that poster got that impression, my bf has always had his own apartment, his brother has been living in it since we chose to live together and that is where he has moved back to with his son. I wasnt sure if he would do that, as that has been his brothers home for a while now; I did wonder if he might get a different apartment with his son, so maybe I am at fault and something I said somewhere on the thread gave that impression, but anyway it's not true.

Also, my bf has been in his sons life since the day he was born, but as he split with his mother very early on her influence has been on the child 24/7, while he has always had his son at the weekends. He took her to court for custody many years ago when his son was a young child after having been approached by HER OWN SISTER who told him that the house had practically turned into a rave hall since he'd left and that the kids were in no kind of decent environment anymore and he'd ought to do something about it.

He was granted full custody and had the kids (this boy has an older brother who now lives abroad) for six months. She hauled him back into court and got the kids back. The judge told him that this was Ireland and the kids belonged with thier mother as long as she was capable of raising them, which she'd made efforts to be at that time.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond with their comments, but it is factually incorrect to refer to this man as a waster. He's been doing the right thing by his kids for the guts of twenty years and is continuing to do so to this day, even at the cost of his relationship and his own personal happiness.

I should know the difference between a decent dad and a waster of a father since I was unfortunate enough to have to deal with the latter in my own sons dad.

Also, as to "the family from hell"; this boy may behave like the son from hell, but one son an entire family does not make. His family are lovely people.

King of Kings

Redfacebear you got there before me.
OP - I think you should leave the dust settle - rebuild your relationship with your bf then see in the future about living together.
He sounds like a nice man - he has never given up on his son no matter what - immature people like OS119 don't recognise this. I assume they don't have kids.

I know myself that if the mother has the lion's share of custody then the child will get most of their outlook from her. There is not much the dad can do with weekend access only

You were right to ask(or tell) them both to leave. Hopefully in time the son wil cope on but your responsibility is to your son.
But don't give up on the relationship just cos he is living elsewhere.