Relationship dillema

Wester

Hi all
early 30s in a relationship with a girl a few years younger. From the start, it has worked even though we live in different towns cause we've both made sacrificies and rather than argue we talk things out. We both get on well with each other's families. But I've cold feet. It could be a million little things, but if I was really in love, none of them would matter, would they? I just can't envisage us having a future together but she is always making plans. Don't get me wrong, I want to settle down with the right girl but is it her, I don't know. Gut feeling is telling me I'm not in love anymore but when I see her this weekend I know we'll have a laugh and any problems I'll have, I know she'll have a solution. There is one stupid thing that bugs me constantly. I've had maybe 3 or 4 serious relationships, with good gaps in between, but she has gone from one serious relationship to the next really quickly and in the main being treated really badly in them, yet she's hung on in the hope that these guys are gonna change, which they never have. Does anyone think she projects the idea of a perfect relationship (if such a thing exists) onto each guy and is that what she's doing with me: she got serious real quick, although I have to admit I did too cause we hit it off. Does anyone have any advice?

Wibbs

Wester wrote:

There is one stupid thing that bugs me constantly. I've had maybe 3 or 4 serious relationships, with good gaps in between, but she has gone from one serious relationship to the next really quickly and in the main being treated really badly in them, yet she's hung on in the hope that these guys are gonna change, which they never have.

The biggest red flag is the jumping from one serious relationship to another. That is not a good sign at all. She needs to be in a full on relationship. She will tend to project what that means with each new boyfriend. The reality rarely lives up to the expectation and they move on again. This is mainly why she gets serious real quick. Another red flag. If you start going with someone straight out of another long relationship and they start talking of the pair of you months in advance within the first month, run. Or at least be very very wary. It very rarely lasts.

She has never had time to be just by herself. She may be afraid of being on her own. It's quite an immature position and quite common. I once tried really hard with a woman like that and it didn't work out. When we finally split, she was with a new guy within two weeks. That lasted for nearly a year. Then on to another with equal speed. From what I heard last she is on number 4 in the series. She even contacted me after she split from the one after me. She and others I've known like that have a feeling of being never satisfied with each relationship. They're never too satisfied with themselves and that's where the problem lies. They basically exist in one long rebound. In this case the person they're rebounding from is often themselves.

Does anyone think she projects the idea of a perfect relationship (if such a thing exists) onto each guy and is that what she's doing with me:

Everyone kinda does to a lesser degree, at least at the start. The inability to be on her own is more of a worry.

Oryx

The main gist of your post seems to be that your relationship is a little uneven, your gf is in deep and serious, and you dont want to be. Sounds like youre having a good time, but are not in this for the long haul, and she is.

I suppose if I were in your shoes Id be trying to figure out whether I loved this girl, and where the cold feet are coming from. Is it because you are scared of the finality of marraige, or because you dont love her?

I dont see how you can solve her insecurity problems, if she has them, all you can do is talk to her about whats going on with both of you.

Wester

thanks folks, your replies have been v helpful. In one sense, my concerns about her jumping from one serious relationship to another is me turning a molehill into a mountain and projecting my own uncertainty onto something else. I think a major problem for my girlfriend is that in her first major relationship, she had her heart broken although I cannot understand how the relationship lasted giving what was going on. I think she's being looking for mr perfect since. Another problem is that most of her friends are settled/married in their early/mid 20s which is not something I can relate to (one of my friends-all in their 30s-is married). I remember something she said to me and it's only hitting home now is that she'd never consider a relationship with someone who's not willing, from the start, to consider settling down! That is a crazy approach to relationships - at the start is it not all about fun and getting to know each other. Also, she's put on a lot of weight since we started going out. That in itself is not an issue-she was not a leggy model to begin with-and for me to make an issue of her weight is irresponsible and immature. But consider this, it leaves her with little or no energy and I'm worried that at some future point, diabetes and heart disease are going to come into play, yet she doesn't seem to be able to see things from a long-term perspective. i'd hate to see her suffering from serious illness in 10 or 15 years and me struggling to cope with family, career, etc etc. I know that sounds incredibly selfish but that's my thought process right now. I guess when you're not happy you start finding all sorts of holes in a relationship.

G&T

Sound's like you want someone to to tell you to dump her,tbh.

You deserve to be happy too so if she is not for you don't feel bad about wanting to finish it.

Thing's didn't work out this happens,the sooner you let her know the better you will feel.

metrovelvet

Wester wrote:

thanks folks, your replies have been v helpful. In one sense, my concerns about her jumping from one serious relationship to another is me turning a molehill into a mountain and projecting my own uncertainty onto something else. I think a major problem for my girlfriend is that in her first major relationship, she had her heart broken although I cannot understand how the relationship lasted giving what was going on. I think she's being looking for mr perfect since. Another problem is that most of her friends are settled/married in their early/mid 20s which is not something I can relate to (one of my friends-all in their 30s-is married). I remember something she said to me and it's only hitting home now is that she'd never consider a relationship with someone who's not willing, from the start, to consider settling down! That is a crazy approach to relationships - at the start is it not all about fun and getting to know each other. Also, she's put on a lot of weight since we started going out. That in itself is not an issue-she was not a leggy model to begin with-and for me to make an issue of her weight is irresponsible and immature. But consider this, it leaves her with little or no energy and I'm worried that at some future point, diabetes and heart disease are going to come into play, yet she doesn't seem to be able to see things from a long-term perspective. i'd hate to see her suffering from serious illness in 10 or 15 years and me struggling to cope with family, career, etc etc. I know that sounds incredibly selfish but that's my thought process right now. I guess when you're not happy you start finding all sorts of holes in a relationship.

It sounds like your looking for excuses. And illness can hit anyone at anytime. You don't need an excuse - just let it go. Your not that into her. Do her a favor and stop wasting her time.

Wibbs

I have to say I agree with metrovelvet on this one(that's a weird one for us both ). Nail on the head. While her relationship history isn't exactly healthy, you're the one making excuses. Bad ones at that. For a start, if her size wasn't an issue you wouldn't have mentioned it. The possible illness in the future BS is frankly a cop out. Your first post I could see an issue for you. Your second post reads, "bla bla bla bla heavy girl, I'm not so sure". Sorry, but that's how I see it. My advice would be the same as per metrovelvets, let her go and let her find the relationship that she's looking for. It's not you.

Wester

Yeah I have to hold my hands up and say that I'm just making excuses - I was reluctant to touch on the weight issue because believe it or not it is more of a lifestyle issue for me - I'm quite active whereas she's not, but at the end of the day, it is an excuse and a tired one at that. Just needed to hear it from a third party!

Beruthiel

Well, I also agree with the above.
You would appear to be looking for any reason to get out of the relationship, you no longer love her, otherwise you'd be looking for any reason to stay with her.
Do her and yourself a favour and finish with her asap so ye can both find people ye really want to be with.

Oryx

Yup, have to agree with whats being said here. Youre projecting forward 15 years into all kinds of crazy whatifs to rationalise leaving her! You want out, but to salve your guilt, it sounds like you want to fix her before you go. You cant fix her, just accept youre going to hurt her, and do it as kindly as possible.

Wester

Just going to go away and think things over. Thanks for the advice-all of which was helpful although I wouldn't agree with everything that has been written here. In any case, writing things out gives you clarity and that's what I've got.