What's your favourite

AlmightyCushion

I was sitting on the porceline thrown today at work and my mind started wandering. Along the path it strolled were many questions. How much skiving off will I get a way with today? What women in the office would I like to nail in the stink hole? There were many others but the most important of all was when I dropped the kids off at the pool. It was what is the best ****?

I pondered this for some time and the two best in my opinion are:
1)the massive ones that take ages to push out. It's like giving birth to a baby elephant. It may hurt when you finally squeeze that sucker out but my God you feel like you've accomplished something.
2) the teflon sh!t - slides right through and leaves nothing on the pan. Less time and energy wasted on wiping.

Archeron

Personally one of my favourites is the explosive pebbledash. You;ve been waiting for ages, and for whatever reason, its no longer a case of solid matter. With a heave, a groan, and a whoosh, the contents spray the bowl a delightful shade that has a wonderful stipple effect. There's always a sigh of relief after one of those.
In fairness, those are the worst for cleaning, but usually I'll nip round to the neighbours to "borrow a cup of sugar" or else find a show house in some new estate in the town and provide decorative assistance to the en suite.

AlmightyCushion

Archeron wrote:

Personally one of my favourites is the explosive pebbledash. You;ve been waiting for ages, and for whatever reason, its no longer a case of solid matter. With a heave, a groan, and a whoosh, the contents spray the bowl a delightful shade that has a wonderful stipple effect. There's always a sigh of relief after one of those.
In fairness, those are the worst for cleaning, but usually I'll nip round to the neighbours to "borrow a cup of sugar" or else find a show house in some new estate in the town and provide decorative assistance to the en suite.

Your ass is usually ripped to shreds after one of those though. Plus in certain circumstances those can be very dangerous.

Santa Claus

My personal favourite is the "Phantom dump".
We've all done them. It's the baby elephant size, the sweat beading on the brow with the contractions on the bowl and then the final sweet release. But when you look down to admire it...it's vanished off towards the U bend. Then even more eerily, you wipe and there's nothing.
You done you've just done it but no evidence...the alien encounter of dumps if you will !

Second to that is the "clean drop"....Nice clean effortless release and nothing to wipe (similar to the teflon).

Vegeta

My favourites are "The Hulk" absolute monster dump which for some reason is green.

"The Piebald" consists of patches of white and brown

"The plug" a solid lump of pure evil passes through first followed by a load of runny sh1te

My most hated is "The Bleeder" its just so big that your ring piece bleeds. 100% nasty

Vegeta

forgot to mention "Cliff Hnager" the sh1t so long it is touching your ass and the water at the same time

also "Psuedo Sh1t" your are hanging with a lady you are trying to impress so holding in all the farts. Eventually you think you need a dump but when you try and go you just release a gale force assault on the porceline ocean.

Auvers

Vegeta wrote:

My favourites are "The Hulk" absolute monster dump which for some reason is green.

"The Piebald" consists of patches of white and brown

"The plug" a solid lump of pure evil passes through first followed by a load of runny sh1te

My most hated is "The Bleeder" its just so big that your ring piece bleeds. 100% nasty

FFS what do you eat??

I prersonally hate "the dangler" the one that just wont drop, even shaking over and back on the bowel does nothing.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

imeatingchips

My own personal favourite is 'The Bulmer'.

It's tinged orange and once this fellow climbs out of you to breathe the whole room is filled with the pungent aroma of bulmers.

inhale... hold...... exhale

ahhhhhhh.

Archeron

imeatingchips wrote:

My own personal favourite is 'The Bulmer'.

It's tinged orange and once this fellow climbs out of you to breathe the whole room is filled with the pungent aroma of bulmers.

inhale... hold...... exhale

ahhhhhhh.

I'm more familiar with those as "the scrumpy" A poo of many different guises I see. (and smell). Like the James Bond of excretions.

J.S. Pill

Vegeta wrote:

also "Psuedo Sh1t" your are hanging with a lady you are trying to impress so holding in all the farts. Eventually you think you need a dump but when you try and go you just release a gale force assault on the porceline ocean.

They're so disappointing!

FlutterinBantam

First thing first its "porcelain throne"

Said in a totally non-judgemental way, but hey its important.!!!

My personal Favourite is the "Bolt of Otters"

This usually occurs after a substantial curry the evening before and she it baking nicely for the night.
Then a brisk walk on the beach the following day, and she starts to descend.
By the time you are home,you are touching cloth ,its up to the shítter, drop the kex,shoulders forward SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOssssssssh

Into the pan like a bolt of otters from a riverbank,nothing but net,fcukin slam dunk!!!!!

Those babies ring my bell ding -dong!!!

What I don't like are the "Dreadnaughts"
aka ""Meatloaf's Daughter

Fat thick fcukers that take ages to expel, and look at you sweating and confused semi submerged like a frikken Zambesi Croc. who has just ate an antelope!!

The other one's to avoid are the "Sidewinders" fire and forget, out she comes like stewing beef and finds the target from every angle.

Stky10

imeatingchips wrote:

My own personal favourite is 'The Bulmer'.

Or 'The Guinness'.

Black as coal, soft, sometimes has steam rising off it, absolutely stinks, and takes ages to finish the wiping.

slavetothegrind

I hate " the peperami ". Long thin and seemingly coated in chilli powder .
Stings on the way out and refuses to round the bend,
always appears in the inlaws bog for some reason!

When attempting to break up has glue like texture with the kind of smear and stay coverage Dulux would die for.:eek:

Thrill

An incident involving my brother revealed another type we seldom see if we are not careful, the "flush and forget". You know, you've dumped, wiped, flushed and left thinking that all the evidence has been swept into the sewer. But.

On going into the toilet after my brother, who flushed, i was to witness the biggest log I've ever seen in my life. His ring must have the circumference of Stonehenge to have produced it, and because he didn't hang around to make sure it disappeared up the u-bend he is constantly reminded of it.

I now hang around to make sure my brown u-boats have left port before leaving the bathroom.

FlutterinBantam

Can be encountered after a feed of Pistachio nuts or even salted peanuts and/or a large Bombay mix from Dunnes Stores.

The trick is not to eat those kind of nuts dry,but drink copious quantities of cheap lager, Bavaria, Dutch Gold, Oranjiboom etc, which tends to bind the stool and what emerges is "The Palomino" a pale yellow turd flecked with white,tapered at both ends and is quite easy to bring under control.
Hence the name for the famous horse "Trigger" who was of the Palomino breed.

(Not many people know that)