Preparation for Parenthood...

Khannie

Not sure if this has been posted before. I nearly wet myself laughing.....(especially the last bit)



Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After the 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child' s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again with the bag till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 6am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear Nutella onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds, then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet roll tube. Using only Sellotape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the playground committee.

7. Forget the BMW and buy a People Carrier. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 5-cent coin. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half and hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to take a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

Pherekydes

Khannie wrote:

7. Forget the BMW and buy a People Carrier. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 5-cent coin. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

QFT! My car looks like the hoover bag has been emptied into it! Add to those: the rear seat ashtrays will be full of half chewed jellies, which petrify over months and turn into something like diamond.

Number 3 is very accurate too. But forget about the 5 year limit. It ends when they get married, emigrate or you die from exhaustion.


P.S. When your kids start having kids inform them of the 1-per-year rule!

1 visit per year, that is.

G&T

Excellent,
Kid's came in to see what I was laughing at,
I said"my past, present and future"

Oryx

I love it. Funny cos its so, so, true.

Loved the bit about the goats.

Required and slightly frightening reading for all intending parents.

nesf

Heh, good find.

unkel

ROFL, especially:

Khannie wrote:

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

The Hill Billy

Khannie wrote:

Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Ahhh... The good ol' days.

Will print this off & show it to Mrs Billy this evening. She'll either laugh or weep uncontrollably. (Probably the latter. )
HB Jr II is 18 weeks tomorrow & after 4 years we're getting used to living the dream again!

Khannie

Glad you all enjoyed it.

I actually noticed that the top part says 12, and there are only 11 points, so I went looking for the 12th and found these gems:

Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" (occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire.Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.

undecided

lol - brilliant!

So true

and they call it the joys of motherhood!

samo

Only just read this.....

Very very good. Thats just made me laugh out loud in the very very quiet office I'm currently sitting in!

Especially no's 8, 11,12 and 13 which especially rang true today.:rolleyes:

Kashkai

An oldie but goodie.

A friend sent that to me about 7 years ago just after my first daughter was born and it is so true. However, there's no mention of how a child who has driven you demented can neutralise your murderous intentions with a cheeky little smile and a hug (while her chocolate covered hands are smeared all over your white shirt:rolleyes:)

Kids - what would we do without them (have more money, free time and less grey hairs but who wants to live forever???)

twenty8

I love it. No I hate it..... I am terrified!!!

Due first in 5 weeks. Why oh why did I not read this 8 months ago!!

Goodbye life. Goodbye boards!

nesf

twenty8 wrote:

Goodbye life. Goodbye boards!

We found the internet to be the most "doable" past-time anyway. Any kind of thing that you can do from home and "pause" at will so you can go deal with some little emergency works.

ROCKMAN

Great post , So true.

twenty8 wrote:

I love it. No I hate it..... I am terrified!!!

Due first in 5 weeks. Why oh why did I not read this 8 months ago!!

Goodbye life. Goodbye boards!

Firstly congrats, with good behaviour you can be out in 25 years

Carrigart Exile

That is brilliant and scarily accurate

run_Forrest_run

brilliant stuff! I just sent a link on to the lad who sits next to me in work, expecting their first and TWINS! Da poor chap

carpenoctem

That was so funny to read! Sent it off to my man who is living in a fantasy world where he is ready for fatherhood... wondering if he'll still be as ready after reading this.

aria-bella

Mini-Aria is 6 now and how i laughed reading this post!

Have been experiencing strange pangs when v small smallies are in view lately..But after reading this sanity has been restored !!

Ah the joys of parenting