What to do about her?

LegacyUser

Okay, I’m on my J1 at the moment, been away for 2 weeks. It started off as just 2 girls with a bunch of guys, then last week another girl joined us. I don’t see her very often as we go to different colleges, but we were all in the same group of friends in school. I’m much closer to the first girl (we’ll call her Mary) as we’re childhood friends, than the girl who joined us last week (we’ll call her Anne). Basically, Anne is a very, very unpleasant person. There’s very few people who genuinely like her, most just pretend because she has a scarily strong personality. She’s blunt and rude. She’d actually look you up and down, and say something like “You’re really ugly”. She spends her whole life bitching about everyone, complaining and being difficult. She argues EVERY thing. If you said the sky is blue, she’d say “No, it’s green” or something. She’s also deeply selfish, vain and shallow. So now you know the type of person she is.

When it was just me and Mary in the house, it was grand. We got on great. But Anne likes to divide people, and exclude people. Even though Mary has told me countless times that she doesn’t like Anne, she still changes completely when she’s around. Now that Anne is here, she’s completely come between me and Mary, and does her best to exclude me all the time. She generally pretends I’m not in the room. She makes plans with Mary and doesn’t ask me. If I join them anyway, she ignores me. If it’s just me, Mary and Anne at home, Anne will make dinner for her and Mary, and not ask me. Mary is a generally weak person, and is on the nice end of the favouritism, so she’s not doing anything to include me either. I mean, myself and Anne are supposed to be great friends, and when there’s no one else around, then she’ll happily chat to me. I don’t know why she’s behaving like this, and she wouldn’t answer if I asked. We’re all here for another 3 months, and obviously I’m not happy. I just don’t know how to deal with this. If I say it to her, she’ll scoff at me and act like I’m a whinging bitch. If I say it to Mary, she’ll tell me that I’m imagine things, or over-reacting. I’m trying to include myself in their plans, but it’s difficult when they ignore me. Anne is so forceful that I barely speak in her presence, because she’ll just challenge everything I say. I’m hoping that when I start working it’ll get better, but the problem isn’t going to go away. There’s a fourth girl joining us in a week or so, but it’s not going to change anything.

So, should I just ignore Anne? Should I just impose myself on them all the time, until she understands that I won’t be ignored? Should I completely remove myself from them? I don’t know the guys we’re living with that well, so I wouldn’t be entirely comfortable spending all my time with them. Should I just put up with it? Already I want to work 100 hours a week if I can, to get away from them, but jobs are scarce. Is there another solution completely?

togster

The ONLY solution is to stand up for yourself. You need to confront her on everything she does that is inappropriate. Don't let anything slide. The problem with ignoring the problem is that it will simply fester. By confronting it head on you are in control. I once lived with someone like her too a manipulative b!tc*. The only way to deal with it is to impose yourself on her. But do it in a chastising righteous fashion. Like if she says something unsavoury you say "do you want to talk about your problems" or something to focus attention on her insecurities.(because people who act like her have many many insecurities. These are her weaknesses)
I know that this is not the most morally upright thing to do. But fcuk it you don't have an option. You are away from home and have no where else to go. Other posters will recommend you ignore her. But for yourself and others in the house you need to challenge her and make her fell like the cow she is.
Best of luck and be strong.
T

The_Scary_Man

You do have more than one option. I can see what togster is saying about confronting her and taking the moral high ground but I get the feeling that you'd be a while trying to find a chink in Anne's armour. If she's been like this for a long time then chances are that she's developed mechanisms to deal with all kinds of social challenges.

IMO challenging her directly would play straight into her hands. Firstly I would say to you that Anne's attitude has nothing to do with you as a person. It would seem to me that such a divisive personality must have developed these techniques and outlooks through growing up in a pretty unhealthy environment. Even though she may come across as a bitch try to keep in mind that she is less likely to be actually making a decision to mess around people than she is simply playing out roles that have been prevalent in her life. Somewhere along the line she learned that this kind of behaviour gets her the results she wants, seemingly fulfilling a need for control over her environment.

If you can look at it from this point of view then it may dissipate some of your frustration and allow you to view the whole situation more clearly.

Don't let Anne set the groundrules for your interactions. Conflict is what she is good at so I would say that not feeding back the energy back to her by arguing would be a good option. If you can just ignore her barbs and comments by remembering that they are not a reflection of you but a reflection of her then you take the control away from her. If her old way of doing things doesn't work then she has two options; Change how she interacts with you or cut off contact. Either way you've taken control of the situation away from her at least as far as you are concerned.

As far as Mary goes in my experience your best bet is to stay true to your convictions and she will see that you stand for something. If she doesn't respond to integrity and strength then maybe you should re-evaluate your friendship

Good luck with it either way

louisecm

I was once in a very similar situation to the one you are in, but it was only for 2 weeks - can't imagine what it would be like on a J1! My advice is to wait for a time when only you and Anne are in the house, and then confront her privately. Be calm, and say you are uncomfortable and that its important that you all get on so that you can have the best summer possible. It may have no effect, but at least then you've tried. Also speak to Mary privately, tell her how you feel, and that you don't want to cause any problems but that its your Summer too!

If neither of those steps have any effect then I think you have to get on with things on your own - get a good job and make friends in work, chill with the guys in the evenings, just make your own fun.

Good luck.

CodeMonkey

Are you overly jealous of Anne spending time with Mary because you don't like Mary so always try to butt in? Do they ignore you because they think you demand too much attention? Frankly I would like to hear their side of the story.