Immature 11yr old.

G&T

Please help I dont know what to do,

We have a wonderful 11yr old son,eldest of 3 who is an angel in the house.
Since starting school the teachers have said he is socially immature but he will grow out of it,we have not been worried about it before and did not want to break his spirit by telling him he was bold/wrong/odd.

Now we have a problem,his social skills with children his own age has left him friendless.His teacher has recently told us that he make's up stories to impress the other kid's.The other kid's seem to have all grown up alot this last year but not our fella.Teachers report this year said'
"He does not participate so well in group activities and when he does his enthusiam is difficult to control"

Teacher said keeping him back a year would not help,may even make things worse.He is very academic and not at all hyper,so i dont think it's add/adhd.
He has one more year left in primary school' i would like to get to the bottom of this before he goes to secondary.

Any help out there,

Sagat06

Well I suppose my suggestion would be to socialise your child outside of school, ie a youth club sports club etc. What I would recommend would be Scouts, my nephew was very withdrawn socially didnt like to communicate with children. But since he joined the scouts he has found a new confidence and very much interacts with children his own age. The advantage was his father was able to join so he could see first hand how the child was progressing and its also a great chance for them to spend time together. Unfortunately this is something your child has to learn themself, its not something that can be thought. Given a bit of time in these enviroments they will just learn to adapt to more social situations.

Davidth88

As an ex cub/scout I second that .

Good call Sagat06

RIRI

As an ex-girl guide leader I have to second Sagat06 on this one. I saw so many kids really gain huge confidence & develop their social skills over the years thanks to these organisations.
Best of luck

NextSteps

Yeah the guides/scouts was great for me too, made me a more rounded person, I think, plus going away camping and so on with your peers makes you grow up a lot.

luckat

Also, he obviously doesn't know how social interaction works. For some people, this is soaked up from unconscious observation, for others it has to be explained.

Might I suggest that you make social learning a game with him?

Bring him with you to supermarkets, cafes, playgrounds, and watch interactions between other people - then both of you take notes, and compare your notes on what happened.

This way he'll learn the rituals of transaction.

Sometimes socially awkward kids try to interact by giving information, but not being open to others. Show him how people are watching for cues, giving others the chance to boast a bit, showing appreciation, being gentle with each other.

It's important to write stuff down, analyse, make lists - it puts him much more in control of what's going on.

G&T

Davidth88 wrote:

As an ex cub/scout I second that .

Good call Sagat06

Thanks everyone,great advice
What age can you join the scouts?
Should i mention my concerns to the leader when I bring him or just let him off?

Davidth88

Scouts start from 11.

As for talking to leader , I would maybe say something but not in front of the young lad

Ill be honest most of my happy memories of my childhood are from scouting

David

G&T

Davidth88 wrote:

Scouts start from 11.

As for talking to leader , I would maybe say something but not in front of the young lad

Ill be honest most of my happy memories of my childhood are from scouting

David

That's great,am starting to feel this is the way to go.


Thanks all

G&T

Mod's am happy for you to close this now if you wish.

Thanks.

deisemum

What exactly do scouts do? I come from a family of females (7 sisters) and from seeing scouts on tv my impression is lighting bonfires, raising flags and camping.

I've 11 and 9 year old boys. They both have good social skills and are involved in different sports but I'm curious about scouting.

Crea

The boys are in teams which they stay in for for the year. At the meetings they deal with tasks together be it tying knots, pitching tents, playing games. It's very much aimed at working in teams and with others. They only get to go on camp during the spring/summer so it's not all camping and outdoor sports. I'd say it's worth a try G+T.

deisemum

Thanks for that. Must look into it.

luckat

By the way, on taking notes of transactions, I don't mean to note exactly what's said so much as what's going on in the transaction - learning to read the subtext of what people are saying. For example:

"Hi, Louie, lovely to see you!"
[I really like you]

"You're looking great - did you have a good holiday?"
[Kind and loving compliment - opportunity for the other person to expand about their life]

"Went to Tenerife - we were rained out of it!"
[Straight answer, followed by wry cutting-down of one's own good luck so the other person won't feel miserable that they missed the good time]

and so on. As a very awkward kid I did this, and it opened my eyes about what was going on between people - and really helped me to learn how to run transactions with others.

the_syco

Davidth88 wrote:

Scouts start from 11.

As for talking to leader , I would maybe say something but not in front of the young lad

I'd be carefull what you say, as you don't want the kid to have special treatment.

=-=

Also, you say he is the eldest. I'd say, if possible, to get the entire house involved. Beavers start at six, to eight, cubs from eight to eleven, and then scouts.

I joined my local unit young enough. Spent a few years in cubs, so I say I joined about 9. Left the unit at 21 (Ventures).

=-=

deisemum: a lot has probably changed since I was there, but we learnt about various knots, how to build tripods, maintain a camp, various stuff about wildlife.

Was in the Air Scouts for a while which was fun (depending on the area, there may be air/sea/normal scouts in your area.

There are events throughout the year, and one of the main benifits of getting the entire family into the scouts is this: they sometimes all go together (cubs/scouts/ventures) camping. Which leaves the parents with some free space. Don't know if the beavers go camping, as I was never one.

=-=

Find your local unit here: http://www.scouts.ie/provinces/

challengemaster

First off - not a parent here, actually far from. I'm 16 and just going into 5th year come sept. Just to give you a different perspective on the subject..

Ok, so you say he's having problems at school socialising.. most kids do, at some point. i know i definatly did at primary school.. (red hair = bullied) and then again, I don't like football, seeing as thats the only thing lads care about any more.. I was kind of left without anything in common/to talk about/etc. Anyway, i stuck it through, had a few close friends, mainly older (i've always gotten on well with people older than me. I've always been slightly mature[or atleast want to be] for my age) having friends in 5th/6th year when i was in 1st year, etc.

The big change for me came once i got into secondary school, and imo, his "problem" will change too once he does. In primary school, basically you're all immature, and you pretty much have to all do the same thing if you like it or not, and are stuck in the same social group. Secondary school - there are so many different groups to be part of.. there's definatly something that will catch his interest. And he'll become part of that group, therefore making friends with others of the same interest (and isnt that how most people become friends? through a shared interest). Also it's a big step up from primary too, takes some time to get your feet of course, but this does induce some maturing. at 11, he's not exactly going to be the most mature person ever... hardly people that age are. when you will see it is in secondary school, and the teen years. also... i got a lot of that "Does not participate well in activities" and the likes... when in fact, the actual problem was all people ever played was football... the one thing i hate. Now i'm in secondary school, and pretty much everything that's been thrown at me i've had a good go at. (just did transition year.. took part in pretty much everything on the anual tours. eg. surfing, hiking, pier jumping, etc etc etc)

The scouts can be a good idea.. if he likes it, if he doesn't - don't make him keep it up "for his own good". Personally I did karate (helped with the bullying too) - Martial arts are generally good for helping with esteem isues, and you get a good bit of confidence. Also meet people through it.. thats just an example though. As i said, once he finds the thing he likes as he gets slightly older - and gets involved in it - he will grow socially from that.

Oh, and don't always trust teachers... sometimes they can actually be wrong. and a lot of the time, they dont take enough time to actually see whats wrong, and can make a mis-diagnosis. at primary school level..quite a bit too...well i'd say there's nothing wrong what so ever with your child. Except maybe that he's a bit different and possibly wants to stand out (hence the stories - just going about it the wrong way) nothing wrong with it, and we all are different...

Please help I dont know what to do

I suggest you maybe slightly try find something he likes, get him involved in a club of that if he wants to. Other than that, wait.. you've been through your teens and know what its like. more than likely it'll fix itself as he gets older.

My $.02

Scuba_Scoper

Very well said challengemaster. You have certainly come through with a well reasoned and mature post if you don't mind me saying so.

OP, the isssues your son has in primary school may not disappear overnight in scouts. I have a 13 year old that was pretty much in the same boat as your son until he went to secondary school. He has just finished 1st year and the difference since September is astounding. he has grown up in the last 8 months more than I could imageine. Much more confident and is now socially VERY adept.

Just give it a bit of time. He will be very mature soon and you will miss the immature boyishness all but gone. He doesn't need fixing just nurturing.

My 2 cents

ether

My 13 year old son has just finished 1st year. My partner and I were given similar feedback to yourself regarding his participation after his xmas exams, parent teacher meeting. From talking to other parents in the same school/area I can understand where it may start - with the parents. Maybe you've brought your son up differently to other children in the school. Our values do eventually knock off on kids. An example would be say around xmas time, every other parent I was talking to last year was asking themselves if they'd spent enough on their child compared to the other. Its like their so worried that their child will be left out, instead of doing what they think is the right thing or amount to spend.

I've come to the conclusion that you can't please everyone. If you're different from the crowd you don't fit in. If you do fit in you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I do feel sorry for him and completely understand what you're going through but we have to stick to our guns,our beliefs as parents.

I doubt if hes immature to be honest with you as I was told the same also. According to the teachers hes immature because he doesn't fit in, doesn't get up to the same trouble as others his age, doesn't get away with murder and get a pat on the back.

Society in general is to blame, everything is too satured, too consumer focused instead of being based around standards.

There are some of us left that do have standards, are prepared to let a child be a child and not grow up too fast. Its just a pity a lot of us our getting sucked into the consumer cauldron.

We can only do the best we can for our children, I know you're doing the best you can by discussing this topic. Carry on and all the best.

Elessar

Another good option for him is joining a volunteer organisation like the Order Of Malta. Every unit has cadets and you can join from 10 years old. It's a great way to socialise as there are loads of other cadets he can get to know, he will get to go out to the big events like paddys day etc. AND he will learn valuable first aid skills and life saving lessons. I know that with the kids, most units bring them out for fun days like bowling etc. aswell as the rest.

He could try it at least - www.orderofmalta.ie