Alzheimer's moral dilemma

Flushdraw

My nan sufferes from bad Alzheimer’s. She's still living at home and my mam and aunties take turns staying with her each night during the week. She forgets almost everything you tell her and keeps asking the same questions and she seems to have most of her memories from the past.

Now the dilemma we are facing is that my uncle had a bad accident while on holidays in Spain. He's been in hostipal 3 weeks and had 2 operations but he has only a 2% of living. We've told my nan he's sick in hospital but she doesnt seem to know the importance of it and keeps asking where he is and why hasnt he been down to visit her.

When the inevitable happens and my uncle passes away, should we tell my nan? She may not have long to live herself and we're worried what the shock may do. It'll be horrible for her to miss the funeral but she will keep asking who's funeral are we are etc. Plus nobody wants to go through the process of telling my nan her son passed away everytime she asks where he is. Has anyone been in the same position or do they have any advice. Thanks

Tony

Nevyn

Ask the nurses and other health professionals who are working with her for advice I am sure that they have dealt with these cases before.

Flushdraw

Thaedydal wrote:

Ask the nurses and other health professionals who are working with her for advice I am sure that they have dealt with these cases before.

Thats what my mam/aunties are going to do when they get back from Spain. I'm just throwing throwing this out there for advice before they get back

Firetrap

If I was in your position, I wouldn't tell your nan the truth. You've sort of answered it yourself by saying you don't want to keep telling her that your uncle's dead. Your family is going through enough as it is without upsetting your nan. You'll probably get away with fobbing her off for a long time yet.

silvine

I'd say the healthcare professionals will be able to give more practical advice than you will get here to be honest.

Binomate

Just say "He visited you yesterday, don't you remember?" every time she asks. No point in telling her.

RIRI

An uncle of mine passed away very suddenly while my Gran was in a residential care home suffering from Senile Dementia. We chose not to tell her because as you've pointed out she'd forget then you'd have to tell her again & the whole process starts over. Imo there's no point in causing the poor lady any more suffering than you have to.

stipey

In the same position I don't think I'd tell her. I think one of the saddest things in the world is when a parent outlives their child. Imagine how distressed/upset she will be when, if the worst comes to the worst (fingers crossed this won't happen) she finds out that her son has passed away. Now imagine what it would be like if she has to "finds out" that he has passed away every 2 days for the rest of her life.

Of course, various medical professionals would be in a better position to advise you in this regard.

(I wonder is it possible that something that causes an extreme emotion could be remembered by your gran?)

LegacyUser

It may sound insensitive, but the reality is there is no point in telling her. People suffering from Alzheimers are _unable_ to acquire new memories* When she asks again the next day, you won't be reminding her, you will be telling her for the first time again. So just how often would you tell her?

However, do what the other posters have recommended and ask the healthcare professionals.

(*Unless she is in very early stages)

5starpool

My grandfather went the same way for the last few years while he was living at home with us. There was no recent deaths to tell him about but he kept asking about other people, who were long dead in some cases, and he even got those of us at home mixed up with people he knew years before, even getting me mixed up with one of his children. We took the approach where we basically went allong with whatever he was talking about and gave him the answers he wanted to hear as he would ask again soon anyways.

This is hard on all involved, but as said above I think it would be more heartache on all concerned to tell your Nan. Placating her with some white lie is probably best all round in what is a hard situation, but as also said, the best advice is probably from the qualifed health professionals who have dealt with lots of sad situations like this.

Msfc

My granny had alzheimers aswell and was always asking for her husband who had died 10years previous,we used to just tell her that he was still out working and would be back later. Imo its best not to tell her as she will probably get quite upset and confused if ye do tell her something like that.

dudara

My grandmother didn't have Alzheimer's but she did lose her mind over the space of a year, very rapidly deteriorating physically as well. It was harrowing for the entire family, and took a lot of patience. It was sad to visit her, and know that her intelligence humour and character was gone forever.

Speak to the nurses and professionals. They can really offer help as they've dealt with this numerous times before.

DublinDilbert

Hi,

Firstly, sorry to hear about your uncle...

My gran had Alzheimers also, so i know how the regression can be...

my grandfather looked after her till she was quite bad, then she went into a home... he used to go up and sit with her for hours... after he passed on she used to always ask where he was and when he was coming in... a few of the family tried to explain to her, but she didn't understand... she would still ask for him, but wouldn't get too up-set as the Alzheimers was quite advanced.

Depending on the stage your gran is at, she may well ask about your uncle every day, but not realize that he hasn't come to see her ect... typically there is no day to day memory, so although she would remember your uncle and ask about him, she might not realize that he is not coming to see her...

Again, sorry to hear about your uncle....

Agent Smith

My Grandmother Died Last Year, she had alzheimers. I can recall a number of times her asking me "whens Joseph home from school?" (i'm joseph)

I'd go along with the "he was here yesterday". If she's told she might get upset, and then an hour later ask again, then get upset.



If i ever acquire Alzheimers, i'd rather someone put a bullet in my head, but thats my personal choice...

Flushdraw

Thanks for all the advice folks. I think its better if she wasnt told the bad news. I'm pretty sure the nurses and healthcare professionals will say the same thing but its going to be hard on whoever has to lie to her.

I really appreciate all the comments.

aidan24326

The doctors will be able to tell ye whether she'd have any chance of remembering or not. From what I've seen of people with alzheimer's she would still be asking for your uncle on any given day regardless of whether you tell her or not. So I wouldn't think of it too much as 'lying', you're merely sparing her the emotional upset of being told something that she won't remember for any length of time. It's a horrible illness.