Need Advice

confused1986

My bf and i had a massive fight during the week (been together 2 and a half years) and he said real real horrible things, said he didnt love me anymore, that he wasn't happy with me for weeks, that he hated me "tagging along" when he goes out with mates (i haven't seen any of them since xmas so dunno why he said that)....anyway we talked for a bit and later he said he didnt mean any of this, that he loved me, and that he couldnt think of anywhere he'd rather be than with me.
I told him i needed time to think cos all he said had really upset me, his been apologising ever since but i just dont know what to believe....
Any advice?????

Marksie

ask him why he said those things now the heat of the argument has settled.
People say things they do not mean in arguments, giving vent to frustrations.

It is obviously sttill affecting you, so best to clear teh air in a calm, open environment

confused1986

Thanks, it is still affecting me, not sure whether he means these things or if it was as u said just heat of the moment

jellie

ive been in a similar situation, where after a few messy weeks my bf said he didnt think he loved me anymore. We sorted it out, and while i understand where it came from, and forgive him, its very hard to forget the feeling of being told that.

I dont think its something youre going to easily forget. but you have to decide whether you can forgive him or not, and whether you believe that he didnt mean what he said. if you decide to forgive him and move on, make it clear that it really upset you and (if its the case) that its something that might take a while to get over but youre willing to try.

Oryx

The red mist of anger can cause people to do things out of character, and say things that maybe they didnt mean. Its entirely possible that his saying he didnt love you was just an angry throwaway remark, but you do need to talk through how hurt and unsure you feel because of it. He seems to be backtracking and grovelling, so whether you get back on track or not seems to be down to whether you can accept his apologies and forget about it?

Carrigart Exile

How many women in a fit of anger have told their partners that their child isn't his; its done to cause maximum hurt. You were in a fight, he has looked to cause maximum hurt

DD

Can you think of the reason you were fighting for? Could be a connection, obviously he was upset of something. I know people can say bad things when they are angry and they say it just to hurt the other one, doesnt mean they really meant it.

confused1986 wrote:

My bf and i had a massive fight during the week (been together 2 and a half years) and he said real real horrible things, said he didnt love me anymore, that he wasn't happy with me for weeks

Talliesin

confused1986 wrote:

(i haven't seen any of them since xmas so dunno why he said that)

That would seem to back up what he said later about not meaning it, wouldn't it?

I think rather he did mean it at the time; turned you into an imaginary version of yourself who is nothing but bad news, and that's who he was attacking. This is a lot easier than attacking someone he loves.

Then when the tempers died down and there was no more adrenaline pushing towards fight or flight he didn't want to attack anyone, and he was back with you rather than the imaginary harpy.

metrovelvet

I think Tallesien has it exactly right. He probably did mean it at the time, but that doesnt make it any more or less forgiveable. However, was he himself when he was talking or was it the rage speaking? If in 2 and a half years this is the first time you have seen this, then I think you can trust him again pretty soon. But try to get to the bottom of what got him so mad.

And when your that angry at the time you really don't love the other person. The love gets buried or smoked out by the anger.

[Side question - why do people think "I didnt mean it" make the hurt less? Why is the intention of the speaker more important than how the words are received? I could call someone a halfwitted inbred c*ntfaced bitch and then turn around and say "oh I didnt mean it" and make it all alright. Never got this.

confused1986

metrovelvet wrote:

If in 2 and a half years this is the first time you have seen this, then I think you can trust him again pretty soon. But try to get to the bottom of what got him so mad.

Ya see its not the first time he's said this....b4 was about a year ago when we had the same type of fight but there was drink involved so i just let it go... It juat has me thinkin that deep down he must have these feelings about me

ntlbell

It's usually more.

He didn't 'mean' to say it.

But he 'thinks' what he said.

He's just sorry he said it and now you know what he thinks.

Gator

Heat of the moment.

Its like being a kid and trying to win an argument so you say the most hurtful thing to win.

He didnt mean it. If he did he would have left.

Men dont really think things through in these situations, we are only kids anyway.