losing virginity is too sore

LegacyUser

Ill try keep this short, think there was a similar thread recently, but couldnt find it, sorry.

Im a 22 year old virgin. Ive been with my bf for 8 months & want to have sex. Im on the pill & we have condoms. We're all prepared! But the problem is it really hurts!

We had half tried about a month ago, but not properly, he pressed slightly & it hurt so i said stop. But last week we tried properly - i really wanted it, i was ready, but OMG the pain. it felt like somebody was sticking a knife inside me! i had to make him stop.

First of all i just felt terrible. he was getting a bit annoyed at first, i know hes getting very frustrated and hes waited a long time. its his first time as well. his annoyance went away after a minute or 2 but hes still completely frustrated and i ended up feeling really guilty. but i was also really dissapointed, partly for him, but for me, because at this stage i really want to do this.

I dont know what to do. Ive read some stuff online about making sure youre relaxed, well lubricated etc, but i thought i was. My bf has suggested i ask my doctor but im not sure if this is necessary?

Im currently considering just getting really drunk and letting him do it to me to get the initial pain over with. part of me is saying its a bad idea but another part if saying "hey, this isnt going to be a very memorable experience, its gonna be very sore & very crap so why not block it out?"

Sorry for the length, i was trying to keep it short. Im not sure what advice im looking for really. part of me just wanted to talk about it & see if anyone had any similar problems? or does anyone have any suggestions of how to make it easier?

LegacyUser

Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Make sure you are well lubricated. Take your time, don't rush it. It looks far easier than it is for the first couple of times (like learning to ride a bike).

And for the love of god don't get drunk, this should be a memorable experience. After all you are only a virgin once in your life...

spurious

It sounds like you are tensing up - of course it will hurt then. Have you thought of inserting a vibrator or dildo fully yourself? This will mean the 'damage' will be done, but you can control the entry. You can still share your first time with him.

It really isn't any sort of agonising experience, or at least it shouldn't be. Is he able to insert two fingers without it hurting?

**edit** I'm presuming you're female, correct me if you're not.

Firetrap

For starters, it sounds like you're way too tense about the whole thing. As long as your boyfriend is gentle with you and doesn't charge straight in (so to speak), it shouldn't hurt too much. It might not be much more than a bit of discomfort - it varies from person to person.

Before your boyfriend tried to enter you, did you have any foreplay? If nothing else, it should relax you and physically make your body ready for him. Don't feel under pressure to have sex just because your boyfriend is frustrated. I know you want to have it as well but you need to do it at your own pace.

Oryx

I dont mean to make you feel like you have a medical condition or anything, but maybe google 'vaginismus' and see if anything about that could apply to you. Its something that happens unconciously, even if you think you are relaxed.

Other than that, maybe get you bf to use his fingers, and let you relax and enjoy that, before moving on to actual penetration. Toys are a good idea too but only if youre comfortable about using them in the first place.:)

For goodness sake dont just put up with the pain to 'get it over with', and while one drink might help, I wouldnt get legless!

Marksie

I think the issue lies on several different fronts:
You are nervous.
Your boyfriends frustration is transmitting itself to you and making you tense.
The more thiis happens the worse it gets.

Take a step back for the moment and think about at which point yu begin to tense up.

Go back to continued foreplay without the expectation of penetration adn let it folow on from there. if it doesn't happen for a while yet, thats ok, it will as you get more and more relaxed and aroused it will eventually happen.

In this you and your b/friend need to talk a little..as i belive his sense of frustration is exacerbating the situation. Better to build up to penetration gently over the next while,. By all means if you feel righth, then move towards it, but if you tense, then don't worry it isnt quite right, move away from it to other things than come back to it.

At some point you will lose the fear orr tension and it will happen.

So tell your boyfriend this is the way you want to go and that he isnt toi get frustrated but relax himself and literally just run with the experiences rather than the end point.
Edit: a thought occurred to me. How is your boyfriend going for penetration? ne steady thrust? Maybe try just resting over the opening and gentle movements to get you used to teh feel, if you tighten or tense, just pause til you relax, then gentle movements and very shallow. In itself that can be exquisite for both concerned even withuot full penetration (even when yu have done the deed) buit it has the benefit in your case of just allowing you to get used to it.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the advice.

Thing is we've tried most of the stuff mentioned. We do lots of foreplay, hes very good about it infact. We've talked about it loads, he knows exactly how i feel about it all. He has used his fingers before, initially just his small finger hurt but now i can take 2 fingers (though its still very uncomfortable).

Marksie wrote:

Go back to continued foreplay without the expectation of penetration adn let it folow on from there. if it doesn't happen for a while yet, thats ok, it will as you get more and more relaxed and aroused it will eventually happen.
...
Better to build up to penetration gently over the next while,. By all means if you feel righth, then move towards it, but if you tense, then don't worry it isnt quite right, move away from it to other things than come back to it.

Thats the way weve been working towards it. Ive never made promises of "we'll have sex tonight" its always been a case of if it feels right at the time. but even when it does feel right it doesnt seem to be happening. & now im nearly at a point where im SCARED of it. which i know is ridiculous..

Marksie wrote:

Maybe try just resting over the opening and gentle movements to get you used to teh feel, if you tighten or tense, just pause til you relax, then gentle movements and very shallow. In itself that can be exquisite for both concerned even withuot full penetration (even when yu have done the deed) buit it has the benefit in your case of just allowing you to get used to it.

Thanks, that sounds like a good idea.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

How is your boyfriend going for penetration? ne steady thrust? Maybe try just resting over the opening and gentle movements to get you used to teh feel, if you tighten or tense, just pause til you relax, then gentle movements and very shallow. In itself that can be exquisite for both concerned even withuot full penetration (even when yu have done the deed) buit it has the benefit in your case of just allowing you to get used to it.

QFT - This could be the problem and can happen especially if the guy is over eager. Guys on the first time can forget and just think they can go for it. Try what marksie has suggested and I think it could help alot!

PeakOutput

unregvirgin wrote:

He has used his fingers before, initially just his small finger hurt

how in the hell can it hurt with just his small finger???

im not saying it dosnt obviously but i have never heard that before..........without being too crude when i was younger i never had a problem with any girlfriend not being able to be fingered by even 2 fingers and at that stage they were definitely virgins

obviously being a guy i have no idea what the pain feels like but i would say just go for it get it over and done with BUT if it really is that bad maybe it wouldnt hurt(no pun intended..........ah fuk it yes it was) to see a doc as not being able to take 1 finger is a new one to me

LegacyUser

PeakOutput wrote:

how in the hell can it hurt with just his small finger???

im not saying it dosnt obviously but i have never heard that before..........without being too crude when i was younger i never had a problem with any girlfriend not being able to be fingered by even 2 fingers and at that stage they were definitely virgins

obviously being a guy i have no idea what the pain feels like but i would say just go for it get it over and done with BUT if it really is that bad maybe it wouldnt hurt(no pun intended..........ah fuk it yes it was) to see a doc as not being able to take 1 finger is a new one to me

i dont know really, i would guess maybe tenseness about the situation was part of it as it had never been done before. 2 fingers is ok now, but uncomfortable.

I really just dont know. the longer it goes on & the more i think about it the more it bothers me & then the more i worry maybe theres something wrong with me, which im sure isnt helping the situation at all.

fuzzywiggle

You're just tensing up and it's very possible to very come it.

Dont try to have sex again until you get comfortable with his 2 fingers. That is very important.

If you keep trying to do it and you keep tensing up it will just make it worse because in your head you're building it all up, you wont be relaxed and will tense again. You'll just keep thinking of the past expierience, whether you realise it or not. And so the circle continues.

As I said get comfotable with his 2 fingers, really comofortable, until you start to really enjoy it and then try the sex. I would suggest try to insert your own two first (if you don't already) and get used to it. On your own, and when you're in the mood. It may take a couple of weeks, it may take a couple of months but just bare with it.

This problem is common, more common than you think so don't think you're the only one and the rest of the world has fantastic sex.

Best of luck.

Oh and to the post above me, if a girl tenses up it's impossible to get the tip of your small finger in, let alone the whole thing. Don't advise her to see the doc when you haven't a clue what you're talking about. You're post was very ignorant. Sorry, but had to say that.

Femgem

"how in the hell can it hurt with just his small finger???"

That's a really insensitive post - shame on you!

OP may I ask you how have you gotten to 22 without loosing your virginity. I realise that that may be a little insensitive too but I believe it to be a valid question. I ask because if I had lasted to 22 I would have had major issues about it too.

I would suggest that you mastrubate (sp!) and when you're well turned on see if you can insert something like a cucumber into you. I suspect you are just way too tense and feeling under pressure because you believe your boyfriend to be frustrated etc. If you know yourself that a cucumber will fit inside you then that might get you over the whole penis thing.

I realise my suggestion may be a little radical but it would work.

Femgem

"how in the hell can it hurt with just his small finger???"

That's a really insensitive post - shame on you!

OP may I ask you how have you gotten to 22 without loosing your virginity. I realise that that may be a little insensitive too but I believe it to be a valid question. I ask because if I had lasted to 22 I would have had major issues about it too.

I would suggest that you mastrubate (sp!) and when you're well turned on see if you can insert something like a cucumber into you. I suspect you are just way too tense and feeling under pressure because you believe your boyfriend to be frustrated etc. If you know yourself that a cucumber will fit inside you then that might get you over the whole penis thing.

I realise my suggestion may be a little radical but it would work.

spurious

fuzzywiggle wrote:

Oh and to the post above me, if a girl tenses up it's impossible to get the tip of your small finger in, let alone the whole thing.

Quoted for truth.
Any woman who has had a speculum come flying out as the doc tried to insert it knows that vaginal muscles have some power when they want to keep something out.

Fridaygirl

Learn to turn yourself on. Know your own body first and know what you like. Let your imagination go. By the way, fingering never got me off either and at the ripe old age of 31, i know it never will!! It's all hype fingering if you ask me. Sex is all about imagination and mental stimulation for a woman. just let yourself go mentally, on your own, and the rest will follow believe me. I don't believe in the cucumber advice, personally speaking, if you can orgasm with him rubbing your clit, it will feel right then, with your vagina, it will be wet enough....The key is knowing how to turn yourself on first.

PeakOutput

fuzzywiggle wrote:

You're post was very ignorant. Sorry, but had to say that.

im not gonna get into an argument over this BUT i just want to say 2 things

i dont see how giving my personal experience is ignorant

also TO ME what she is describing is very extreme but i did point out I am a guy and hav not gone through this for myself therefore i could be wrong.


and i would edit the first bit out but theres little point with it being quoted and all

i agree it is insensitive but i was a little shocked my bad

chuckles30

Hi OP - been there, done that and bought the t-shirt so to speak......so I know exactly where you're coming from - except I'm even older.....hard to believe but true!!! Anyway - a lot of what has been said is true. Relax, but I know that's a lot easier said than done. Take it very slowly.........and there's no point trying to force it - if it's that sore for you, it won't be any fun for your bf either - or at least that was my experience. I thought wtf, and go with the pain, but he called stop. In the end what worked for me, was taking it very slowly, and using some extra lube......durex do some good ones in their play selection. You can have fun trying and eventually it will be possible without extra lube. When he does enter you - even if it's only part of the way in - slow down or stop and get used to feeling and then take it further if you're both ready. I was very lucky to have an understanding bf at the time. Hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Femgem wrote:

OP may I ask you how have you gotten to 22 without loosing your virginity. I realise that that may be a little insensitive too but I believe it to be a valid question. I ask because if I had lasted to 22 I would have had major issues about it too.

My bf is my first serious bf, any ex's have only been for a month or 2 and i never felt comfortable enough to go that far with them because im slightly overweight and not too happy with my body. Some may say that this is the reason behind the current problem, but i dont really think it is because i have no problem doing other things with him.

Femgem wrote:

I would suggest that you mastrubate (sp!) and when you're well turned on see if you can insert something like a cucumber into you. I suspect you are just way too tense and feeling under pressure because you believe your boyfriend to be frustrated etc. If you know yourself that a cucumber will fit inside you then that might get you over the whole penis thing.

I realise my suggestion may be a little radical but it would work.

Im presuming you were trying to help, but if i cant cope with the a penis inside me, why would i want a cucumber in there? the idea just freaks me out to be honest..

Femgem

Im presuming you were trying to help, but if i cant cope with the a penis inside me, why would i want a cucumber in there? the idea just freaks me out to be honest..[/QUOTE]

I think that may be your problem - that is having something inside you whether it be a penis or a cucumber freaks you out.

I guess I'm coming at this problem from a very logistical view. The idea is that if you've confirmed to yourself that your boyfriends penis will fit up there then that could take out any worries you may have about that.

The only other advice I can give you is to relax, relax, relax. Believe me you will look back with fond memories of the day you posted your problem on boards. Just keep trying, lub up and relax.

Best of luck.

Femgem

only_me

Hey, just had a quick read of your post there, I really feel for you!
I have read something recently that may explain why you're having such difficulty, althought it might be that you're just not relaxing enough, if I could find the artical I'd type it up for you, but I can't remember where I read it!
Basically it just explained that some women have thicker hymens than others, making sex (when a virgin) very, very painful, if not almost impossible. Basically, the article said, if you were having doubts concerning this, just to go to your GP to have it checked out-it might be the problem, and if it is, apparently a quick operation to remove the hymen would help matters greatly for you.
Hope that was of some help, and if it wasn't, hope something comes along for you!!
Best of luck!

king_of_inismac

There's a lot of good advice here, but It might not just be a question of being relaxed...

Ask yourself this:

Is it painful when you use a tampon or if you insert your own finger?

If it is then you could be suffering from either vaginismus or dyspareunia.
From what I've read dyspareunia is when a woman finds penetration very painful

On the other hand vaginismus is when a woman (sub-consciuosly) tenses her vaginal muscles making sex very painful. This can be the bodys way of avoiding the pain of dyspareunia.

If this is the case, you might need to see your GP. All these issues can be resolved.

What you must remember is you must NOT have sex if it is painful, no matter how much you or your b/f want to. Its very much counter-productive in the long term.

Explain to your boyfriend exactly whats going on, and I'm sure he'll be supportive. Its fairly common and nothing to worry about!

Marksie

[QUOTE=FemgemI would suggest that you mastrubate (sp!) and when you're well turned on see if you can insert something like a cucumber into you. I suspect you are just way too tense and feeling under pressure because you believe your boyfriend to be frustrated etc. If you know yourself that a cucumber will fit inside you then that might get you over the whole penis thing.
[/QUOTE]
There are toys specifically made for sexual pleasure. I would not recommend the use of vegetables.

Nevyn

Seriously not a cucumber.
FFS it is not like we don't have sex shops in this country; the last thing any woman needs is to have to go to the dr cos part of a cucumber broke off inside her.

How about going and buying a vibrator a small one and using it to stimuate the area and possible to insert so that you get used to the penetration.

How about having a evening of sex where you do everything but penetration and have that as the agenda for the evening.
Make it clear that you will do everthing but the both of you, go into lush and get a massage bar, buy some strawberrys and just enjoy each other's company and explore and see how long you can keep each other arroused and how many times you can make each other orgasm with out penatrive sex.

LegacyUser

Maybe you can find something helpful here: http://www.whensexhurts.com/forum/.
At least you will see you are not alone with such problems. (to be able to read the post you'll have to register).

Good luck!

rubyred

Take a deep breath in just before he penetrates, then breath all the way out really hard as he goes in. It's the same when you are getting your bits waxed - the pains is a lot less as you aren't as tense when you exhale all the way out.

Dudess

PeakOutput wrote:

how in the hell can it hurt with just his small finger??

It's not about size, it's simply about penetration alone. If the vaginal muscles are tense enough, nothing can get in there - irrespective of size. And, believe it or not, PeakOutput, not all girls find being fingered particularly appealing. I'll let you in on a secret: when I was 16 and some of my friends were being fingered (doesn't it sound horrible?!) *whisper loudly* NOT ALL OF THEM ACTUALLY WANTED TO HAVE IT DONE TO THEM!!! But they went with it because they felt it was expected of them.

Femgem wrote:

OP may I ask you how have you gotten to 22 without loosing your virginity. I realise that that may be a little insensitive too but I believe it to be a valid question. I ask because if I had lasted to 22 I would have had major issues about it too.

Damn right it's insensitive! She's 22, not 52! You hardly have issues if you "leave it" until 22.

OP, you're comfortable with your boyfriend. The two of you have been together long enough to take this step. You seem to genuinely want to do it. If you feel excited and aroused enough and penetration still isn't happening, then I personally would be of the view that you MAY have vaginismus, which prevents penetration even when the woman is turned on. The good news is that this is highly treatable. There may be some underlying psychological reason for it - not necessarily sinister - but get researching. And maybe pay a visit to your doctor. Because you're worried about it, that's making you even more tense, so there's a bit of a vicious circle going on.

Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

Do you use tampons? Can you use them properly? If so I'd recommend getting a small vibrator, there's one that is about the same size as a tampon, can't remember the name of it now. Get some KY Jelly and practice on using that with your boyfriend for the time being. Sounds like you are hugely tense about the whole thing so using a vibrator should help you on your merry way.

PeakOutput

Dudess wrote:

And, believe it or not, PeakOutput, not all girls find being fingered particularly appealing. I'll let you in on a secret: when I was 16 and some of my friends were being fingered (doesn't it sound horrible?!) *whisper loudly* NOT ALL OF THEM ACTUALLY WANTED TO HAVE IT DONE TO THEM!!! But they went with it because they felt it was expected of them.

feel free to quote were I said anything about what girls / women do and dont find appealing

Dudess

Well, in your original post, you said that it was news to you that a girl would find it uncomfortable to have a finger inserted in her vagina. My point was that there are girls who put up with it, but don't necessarily enjoy it.

Saruman

king_of_inismac asked a very good question.
Does it hurt when you are alone and do it yourself? The reason this is important should be obvious. If you can do it fine then its all down to nerves etc. If you can not even touch yourself without crying in pain then you need to see someone about it.

PeakOutput

Dudess wrote:

Well, in your original post, you said that it was news to you that a girl would find it uncomfortable to have a finger inserted in her vagina.

What I actually said

how in the hell can it hurt with just his small finger???

im not saying it dosnt obviously but i have never heard that before..........without being too crude when i was younger i never had a problem with any girlfriend not being able to be fingered by even 2 fingers and at that stage they were definitely virgins

so in case it was misinterpreted I meant that i was unaware that the opening could be small enough to cause pain when using only your small finger..........this has been clarified to me in the thread.

im well aware people do things they dont want to when it comes to sex all the time but that is not what i was talking about

LegacyUser

thanks again to all who have replied.

To answer some questions..
Ive never used tampons. In fact nothing had even gone in there before my bfs fingers!

Some of this thread has relaxed me and made me feel like itll be alright - thanks especially to chuckles 30 - but some of its just freaking me out now, what with people talking about operations to cut my hymen! i think ive ended up more freaked out than i was in the beginning

Marksie

unregvirgin wrote:

thanks again to all who have replied.

To answer some questions..
Ive never used tampons. In fact nothing had even gone in there before my bfs fingers!

Some of this thread has relaxed me and made me feel like itll be alright - thanks especially to chuckles 30 - but some of its just freaking me out now, what with people talking about operations to cut my hymen! i think ive ended up more freaked out than i was in the beginning

Look at the advice as a whole and begin with what feels right for you before going onto anything else. it is important that you are relaxed

Yv

unregvirgin wrote:

To answer some questions..
Ive never used tampons. In fact nothing had even gone in there before my bfs fingers!

It was the same with me, in that I'd never masturbated and as a result I was really really tight. As in the little-finger difficulties. But over time I started working on it & widening myself gradually (try having a nice long bath & take it really slowly). Be patient, it can take a month or two, but it'll loosen up. My boyfriend & I were together over a year & a half when we lost our virginity & it was still painful, but only for the first few moments - after about 30secs (of your boyfriend being v v slow & gentle & so on, as described in other posts) everything starts to loosen up & it gets enjoyable There's a bit of discomfort the next few times too, or at least there was for me, but every time gets much easier.

So don't let the thread get you all paranoid - you're not the only one, & there's nothing to worry about just yet

missmatty

Don't worry too much! I was similar, 21, and I think as it turned out i had a very strong hymen. We had to try several times (over a few weeks) as it really was painful even though i was really ready and wanted to do it. So anyway we just went for it, omg I really bled a lot, it was a bit scary! :eek: Didn't enjoy first time at all. But every time after that is easier and then bob's your uncle, no bother. But even now if i'm single and haven't been with anyone in a while, the first time with a new person i'm still a bit tight but then with a bit of 'use' i'm grand!

bilbo79

Im a 22 year old virgin. Ive been with my bf for 8 months & want to have sex. Im on the pill & we have condoms. We're all prepared! But the problem is it really hurts!

Make sure his willy is not a knife!! only joking, take your time anjd make sure your relaxed by loads of foreplay 1st.

milod

OP, before you cause yourself any further pain, perhaps you should see your GP, or visit the Wellwoman centre - it's quite possible that your hymen might be stronger than usual. This is a recognised phenomonen, nothing to worry about, and and it can be medically opened using a local anaesthetic.

Beruthiel

bilbo79 wrote:

Make sure his willy is not a knife!! only joking.

Joking?
I see nothing remotely funny about such an unhelpful, idiotic comment.
B

LegacyUser

'Hey OP, you are definitely not alone. In fact I'm in the same situation myself. I'm also 22 and I've been with my boyfriend for a few months now. He's been so good, he's never put any pressure on me and wants to wait til I'm ready, however I feel I've been ready for a while now. Over the last couple of weeks we've started trying to have sex but it just won't happen. Every time I've felt relaxed and I really want to do it, I dont even feel nervous as I'm so comfortable with him, but he just cant fit inside me. He's fingered me and thats not sore, I just don't know what to do!

OP I'm starting to think a visit to the well womans clinic might be worth a shot. I know some people have mentioned vagismus and how counselling helps with this, but surely there has to be some underlying cause there in the first place? In my own case I'm pretty sure I dont have any... how are you supposed to talk about it if you dont know what it is?

Good luck!'