Orphaned & Only Child

Glacier

5 years ago, when I was 18 my father died and I was orphaned, my mother died of Cancer when I was 6. He was found in a ditch in Marley Park after being missing for 12 days, it was ruled an accidental death. My Aunt, my Dad's sister, lives nearby &, although I was over 18 and had just finished my Leaving Cert she took responsibility of looking after me though I continued to live in my own home. She didn't like the idea of me being by myself and so her Daughter lived with me for about a year.
When I was 6, after my mother died, I was raised by both my Dad and my Grandmother and became even closer to her when my Dad died and although my Aunt had more than anyone to help me I still used to think of Grandmother as being more 'family' to me than my Aunt.
I have been on Depression medication for 3 years now and have often felt suicidal since. I honestly think my Grandmother was still important to me and as we had always been close that might have been what stopped me. She died recently and now I feel worse than at any time since my Dad died. During the 5 years I know that my Aunt has worried about me greatly especially since I left college a year ago and have not been working since. She was the one who sent me to a Doctor initially and to a couple of psychiatrists since. When I hinted to the Doctor that I might be suicidal he said that if I did, my Aunt would feel guilty.
I feel like I just don't have the strength or energy to continue but wonder can I continue living just to prevent my Aunt from feeling guilty? Although I was only 18 at the time, I have been an adult all along, I was never her responsibility but she has been the only one never to let me down.
I am not close to any of her family and if I was to go on ,it really would be just so I wouldn't let her down. Can I do this? hat do you think?
I have been

Victor

I think we'd feel a little bit sad too - not trying to guilt trip you. Suicide is a permanent action in an attempt to solve a temporary problem.

I too suffer from depression, although I am moving out of the clinical depression stage, I still get a couple of severe days per month. For me it was brought on by the combination of an accident and the deaths of a friend and my niece and work stress. It was really rough for long time, but now I can see that I can move on. However, a long time ago I promised myself that suicide wasn't a solution - it only let the bad people off the hook.

You mention a psychiatrist - have you been to a psychologist or a counsellor? One without the other isn't as useful.

One thing I find is that spending time in the company of others helps a lot, even if its simple stuff like saying "hi" to the post man, bus driver, cashier - acknowledging each other's presence really does perk things up. Being an orphan, I imagine does put a bit of a dampener on it I suppose. Also, finding something to occupy your time, so you aren't alone with your destructive thoughts does help. You could do this through work, voluntary work, study, social groups, mental health support groups like Aware www.aware.ie.

Keep in touch.

tbh

Glacier wrote:

Can I do this? hat do you think?

based on what you've told us, I think you can pretty much do anything you put your mind to. You're a survivor, and the world needs more people like you in it.

aria-bella

OP i think to find the answer to your own question just read back over what you have written ..

You are obviously blessed with a whole lot of strength and while life has dealt you some pretty undeniably tough cards (tougher than anyone your age should have been dealt) You have come through and are in one piece..

Of course you are going to feel grief and an ache and sadness and anger.. I can't even imagine how lost you feel.. But you cant change your parents not being with you.. All you can change is your life from here on in and make it the best one you would like to have.

You have my sympathy but also my admiration and i think with maybe some outside help such as victor suggested , you will find the tools you need to cope with life going forward. I believe that our parents never really stop watching and minding us even after they have physically gone and that brings me comfort as it will, i hope, bring to you.

Take care

Glacier

I'm not really worried about myself, my only worry is what guilt I might put on my Aunt. I'm 23 now and of course she can't be responsible for me but I still feel I've caused her a lot of worry over the years. I have depended on her too much and think dying might be the worst thing I would have done to her. I feel guilty but at the same time can you just continue to avoid causing her any more pain?

b3t4

Hi Glacier,

It sounds like you are going through a very tough time now.

You say your grandmother died recently would grieve couselling help you at all do you think? Even giving it a try might help you feel a little better.

My thoughts are you are fixating on suicide as it's easier to deal with than all the other emotions bubbling around your head. Get yourself to a counsellor and/or a sympathetic doctor who can help you get through this tough time. They do exist but they can take some time to find.

Life throws us an some hurdles along the way but we all have to muddle threw as best we know how.

Suicide won't help your situation it'll just make things permanent and final.

Things can and will get better but it's up to you to allow this.

Look after yourself and seek some help from the professionals out there,
A.

the_syco

As Victor said, suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem.

Check out the Samaritan's. Ring them on 1850 60 90 90, for the cost of a local call, or pop into one of them http://www.samaritans.org/talk/branches/ireland.shtm if you prefer face to face. There'll be others who will have gone through the same sh|te, so they should be able to help.

Also, I know it's a cliche, but get a hobby, or something, to take your mind off your grief.

Slutmonkey57b

Don't start falling into the idea that depression is something inevitable or inescapable. Depression is an emotion like anything else, and while it can control you, it can only do that if you let it. It's not a fight so much as it is a case of learning techniques to control and deal with depression.