straight but my guy is bi

sweetgal

is that possible?, or am I deluding myself?. I love him and want to accept all parts of what turns him on, but lately, he is more and more leaning towards fantasies of anal fisting and 3ways, me his lady, and him and another man. He gets really turned on by me and we have good sex. He insists he had a few gay experiences as a teen but says he is fine with what we have. HELP, PLEASE.

spurious

Yes it's possible for a bi guy/girl to date a straight person.

I'm not sure what you're asking about the fisting - if you are uncomfortable with it don't do it. Similarly for threesomes.

Victor

Just to avoid confusion, you are female? Its just that you use the phrase "his lady".

Fantasies are just fantasies and unless one becomes obsessed with them, they aren't a huge problem.

Just because he is bisexual, doesn't mean he will cheat.

Owen

I think she means to say "me his gal, and" there's a superfluous comma in there.

sweetgal

thanks for your input, yes, I am female, and he seems to be obsessed with all things male lately, and me partaking in the activities, and sure, fisting kinda freaks me out. I feel he is trying to test me as to how much I can handle and see what happens. He sometimes denies his feelings and says he was joking, but I feel he is leaning more and more towards intense, raw, gay sex and then comes back to me like a safety zone. I'm from NYC and live near a Gay Lesbian Transgendered Center, think I should go for some counseling. Thanks again for your comfort. But forgive me for being politically incorrect here, most gay men tell me, yeah, he is gay and coming out. But damn we have good sex and I love him. I just want us to be happy.

Dave!

Have a chat with him. If he's bi but wants to be with you, then there's no problem. If you're not into the stuff he is, then don't do it. Communication communication communication!

sweetgal

yo! you don't have to tell me about communication, I'm a gal from NYC, anything goes here, he is an Irish Catholic boy who was repressed and identifying, (hate that word) as straight for many years and now has finally found someone he can open up to, (over time). thanks again for your advice. Keep your fingers crossed for us, he really is a sweet fella.

Carrigart Exile

sweetgal wrote:

yo! you don't have to tell me about communication, I'm a gal from NYC, anything goes here, he is an Irish Catholic boy who was repressed and identifying, (hate that word) as straight for many years and now has finally found someone he can open up to, (over time). thanks again for your advice. Keep your fingers crossed for us, he really is a sweet fella.

Don't confuse constantly talking with communication:D

Ishindar

why not call his bluff a little, on what hes really interested in and buy a big rubber fist and see how he likes it up there

Etain

sweetgal wrote:

is that possible?, or am I deluding myself?. I love him and want to accept all parts of what turns him on, but lately, he is more and more leaning towards fantasies of anal fisting and 3ways, me his lady, and him and another man. He gets really turned on by me and we have good sex. He insists he had a few gay experiences as a teen but says he is fine with what we have. HELP, PLEASE.

I'm not all that PC, so I may annoy some people. Sorry.

So which is it? He's fine with what you have together or he wants his boys?
From personal experience, I will tell you to let him decide what he wants and then he can choose you or his alternative lifestyle. Don't let him use you as his cover. Don't accept whatever just to keep him,you will be the one who gets hurt.

rainbow kirby

Of course it's possible for a bisexual person to date a straight one. If you are who he loves he will stay with you.

Marksie

Identifying as bisexual is fine. In a closed realtionship saying yeah i am and then setting it to one side as it is a closed relationship is what is important.

Have a talk with him and tell him what limits you have. It may be perfectly fine for you to explore an*l together, but not with others.

Choosing to explore aspects is part and parcel of being a couple. It is healthy.

Don't go with F*sting straight away though. Gentle exploration and the use of toys may be a good place to start. For him he gets to indulge his fantasies within the limits you have set and for you it is learning to be comfortable with an*l play.
In fact tell him that you are worried and nervous about F*sting and want to start with something more gentle to get used to the idea.
Keep the communication going and just see where it leads

Deadevil129

Course relationships like that are possible. I'm bi (I'm female) and so is my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean to say we enjoy nothing more than peverse sex and threesomes. The most important thing is communication. My boyfriend was interested in a threesome about a year back, we looked at it from ever angle and in the end I decided it wasn't for me, so we didn't do it, no big deal. Anything you're not comfortable about you have to make it known, and your boyfriend is going to have to respect that.

qwertyphobia

Bi guy here in a longterm monogous relationship. Don't see it as a problem yes there are of course times when I see a cute guy and think he is sexy or times I fantasise about sex with another guy, but it's not big deal. Every guy daydreams about having sex with another person it's just that my fantasy's would include men and women. It's not a problem in itself, are their things I would like to do but don't? Yes but the same would be the case if I wasn't bi, thats what a relationship envolves.

Now I have been out and comfortable with being bi for a longtime (most of my relationships have been with guys) I don't have any nagging questions in the back of my mind about. I don't know, if I hadn't done all that exploration in the past would I be so able to be so comfortable with myself/being in a monogious relationship right now.

He needs to know for himself who he is and he needs to be able to convey that to you, in a way that both of you can have faith in it.

Talliesin

sweetgal wrote:

he is more and more leaning towards fantasies of anal fisting

Could also happen if he was straight. It's often thought of as a gay male thing, but it isn't (actually, lots of vanilla gay men think of it as a BDSM thing; also not true, but you get generalisations everywhere).

sweetgal wrote:

and 3ways,

... so far is if anything more likely with a straight man IME

sweetgal wrote:

me his lady, and him and another man.

Okay, so that actual configuration would require him to be bi, or at least open to gay experiences.

That logistical matter aside it's still nothing you couldn't get with a straight man, indeed quite a few bisexuals that are otherwise adventurous avoid threesomes because they feel like they'd be buying into a stereotype.

Now, the way you've opened this thread suggests that you're buying into it as well, and perhaps so is he.

You start off with "straight but my guy is bi... is that possible?, or am I deluding myself?" and there is plenty of evidence to be found that it is indeed. But in starting in this way I think you've framed the question wrong. It's led to people posting "bi guys can be completely monogamous", and of course that's correct and we can. But if you keep thinking along the lines of "how do bisexual men behave in relationships" you're not helping yourself. You're dating one particular bisexual man, not some sort of cross-section of us all made incarnate.

The real question is whether it's possible with him; a particular bisexual man who is also adventurous in particular ways (or at least part of him wants to be, he may be conflicted within himself).

If you were with a straight guy and he was interested in anal fisting and threesomes, would you be asking "I'm a straight woman with a straight man, is that possible? or am I deluding myself?"

Okay. Starting with the fisting. Unfortunately the history post sexual revolution has meant that most of the literature on this is to be found aimed at a gay male and/or BDSM audience and the fact that the best-known writer on the topic, Bert Herrman, is active in both communities*. Still he's worth reading on the topic as is Tristan Taormino for a female perspective on anal sexual play, though AFAIK she only deals a small bit with fisting.

Now. If you decide that you want to engage in it it's definitely one of the acts that requires a bit of research and gradual practice to be able to do safely.

If you decide that you don't want to engage in it, or will only engage in it in one direction and he wants to try the other way around (you say nothing about whether he wants to give, receive, or both) that's just his problem. Even if you were 100% willing it is a technique that will have to be aborted by some would-be participants - it's not even for everyone who likes the idea, never mind for everyone generally.

Similarly with threesomes. Threesomes only have a chance of not ending painfully for at least one participant if all three are 100% happy with it. There are smart couples out there who, despite both actively wanting to experience a threesome, have stayed clear because the opportunity for a threesome may come up every now and again but the opportunity for a threesome that feels likely to be a positive experience for all is much rarer and unless you're already in a lifestyle where switching partners regularly is normal for you it's probably going to take a good bit of time to be sure someone is a truly welcome guest to your bed.

The fact that neither of these are sexual activities that it's wise to rush into, even if you are both actively keen on the idea, means that no matter what there would have to be a period of thought and consideration on that. Take advantage of that fact to give yourself as much time as you need to know in your own mind what you want to do. If at any point you are clear in your own mind that it's not for you, then that's it; it isn't for you, end of story.

These two questions need to be answered irrespective of whether your bf is straight, bi, or not easily placed in the straight/bi/gay spectrum.

The question of whether or not he's truly happy with monogamy needs to be answered whether not being monogamous means his being with men, women, or a mixture of both.

Questions about any other sexual activity either of you may wish to engage in also have to be dealt with irrespective of your orientation.

Concentrate on the actual issues.

*Though his biggest focus is on how sexuality and spirituality combine. Leads one to muse on how come anal fisting doesn't get stereotyped as spiritual.

sweetgal

Thanks, the amount of responses to my question and the sensitivity and thought in the answers are wonderful. You all have given me a wealth of information and lots to think about. As a side note, I have met Tristan Taormina and she is an amazing gal. Thanks for all your time and insight.