His mother will never approve, time to let it go?

LegacyUser

I'm a single mother going out with my boyfriend for a year.
His mother does not approve.
We eventually want to get married and have kids etc, but she is already making things difficult for him. Some nights he says he cant call cos she'll go mad at him. We are planning on going on holidays this summer and when she found out she flipped.
She cant understand why he would settle for someone like me. i have only met her once in the past year and things were civil...
If we do get engaged, which we were planning for the start of next year maybe, i now she will freak out at him. I can already feel him backing off the idea, saying maybe we should wait till later on next year, or maybe we should move in together for a while, but that would really make her freak out.
I know its because of her that he is trying to put this off..
I'm not sure if he will ever stand up to her and just tell her that we want to get married. I know she gives him a hard time about me even though i know he only tells me the half of it.

How do i get around this..?
Should we just carry on and hope she will get over it?
Should i let him go?, I dont like him getting a hard time from his mom, and maybe it would be easier for him to find someone else that she will approve of..even though it would break my heart.

Beruthiel

His mother needs to get over herself.
Also, your bloke needs to grow a backbone, if his mother knew he wasn't gonna take that kind of crap from her she wouldn't keep on about it.
He needs to tell her to back off as it's his life and he intends to do with it as he pleases and she can either live with that or not, her choice.
None of us can live our lives as our parents dictate, we all have to make our own way, that includes making mistakes, most parents understand that.

metrovelvet

Mother in laws and emotional blackmail? Go figure!

It sounds like you have a bit of a mommas boy on your hands. Being that you already have a kid do you really want to have to marry one?

You've only met her once so she doesnt know you. Is there a way to befriend her? That is your best bet. Kiss her ass. Thats what mother in laws want.

LegacyUser

If he loves you enough, he will do anything for you...remember that!

LegacyUser

Seriously how old is your boyfriend, 17?? He needs to take control of his life and tell his mother to mind her own business. Shes trying to dictate his life and if she's getting away with it now it's never going to change.

If the girl he loves can't make him realise he needs to put a stop to this then i'm afraid nothing will.

I'm sorry to sound like i'm having a go at him but it seems deserved even though his mother is clearly at fault here but there's no way she's going to change, he has to put the foot down.

metrovelvet

I dont think the putting the foot down approach is the best way to handle it. IF you are thinking long term you need to get her on side. Mother in laws can be EXTREMELY helpful if you show you are not a threat to taking their amazing beautiful sons away from them and if you show you want to be their friend. Even if she is cool to you initially suck it up and keep trying.

Believe me the scariest think for your BF is for you to be best friends with his mother, but probably the best thing for you when it comes to the politics of family.

davyjose

metrovelvet wrote:

Mother in laws and emotional blackmail? Go figure!

It sounds like you have a bit of a mommas boy on your hands. Being that you already have a kid do you really want to have to marry one?

That's ridiculous - so the guy has a hard time standing up to his Mother? So what? The relationship should end over that?
OP a lot of people, particularly guys with overbearing mothers, find it hard to stand up to them. He probably grew up accepting her law, and now he is at the age to decide for himself, well, it just doesn't come naturally. Talk to him and tell him he needs to stand up to her - I'm sure he will.

LegacyUser

If you looked like Jennifer Lopez, do you think he would have a tough time standing up to his mother? Didn't think so. If he loves you, he will do what it takes.

metrovelvet

davyjose wrote:

That's ridiculous - so the guy has a hard time standing up to his Mother? So what? The relationship should end over that?
OP a lot of people, particularly guys with overbearing mothers, find it hard to stand up to them. He probably grew up accepting her law, and now he is at the age to decide for himself, well, it just doesn't come naturally. Talk to him and tell him he needs to stand up to her - I'm sure he will.

I never said that.

Kinetic^

Sort of the same thing happened with my parents (minus the before childer), his mother didn't approve due to the age difference between the 2 (12 years - dirty old man ) but they got through it, got married and had a great childer (:D).

This is your bf's and your relationship, not hers. If ye love each other then just keep going with it. My grandmother made my father's life hell due to the sh1t she gave him about my mother, they're still together 25 years on so it is possible to ignore it and move on.

LegacyUser

'The thing is see, she is getting old and he is the only one at home to mind her.
we are planning on building a house near to his home in the near future.
She will probably end up moving into the house with us as she gets older, as i doubt he will leave her in her house on her own.
How can i live with a woman who doesnt like me or approve of me?
I cant see her getting over it..ever...
and i can see troubles ahead.
I think i am just setting up a troubled future for us both and it could end with us fighting and breaking up over it.

I do like that he is good to his mother, i would hate it if he wasnt and it is a good idea for her to move in when she is older, i wouldnt want it any other way, but i know that it will be very very hard for us, especially as my daughter will obviously be living in the house too and i'm not even too sure that his mother will welcome her with open arms..

i know alot of people will say "it will be your home , and she will haev to respect that etc"..thats all very well to say that but i cant see it happening..
are we just setting ourselves up for heart break here?
i am actually extremely very upset about this at the moment and i dont know what to do about it...i cant see a way out of this.'

Beruthiel

Well if the day comes and she does have to move into the house, if she gives you any gip, show her some brochures of the near by Old Folks Homes.
You can tell her that she had better mend her ways or pick a home.

seamus

It's always very dangerous to allow parental opinion to affect the way a person deals with their relationships. This is what your boyfriend is doing. You need to make this clear to him.

The golden rule however, is not to fight with his family, or make him choose. You will lose out.

The interesting thing is that you say you've only met her once. Perhaps this is part of the problem. People tend to be horribly bigoted and prejudiced about unknowns, but once they get to know them, will warm to them.
You seem to suggest that it's the fact you have a child that makes her dislike you. This would suggest a prejudice on her part.

Maybe try to spend more time with her (I know it sounds awful). If you can convince her that you're a decent person, and get to know her too (she may very well be a decent person), then you save yourself a potential lifetime of stress. Only a suggestion though

Oryx

Its very hard to be good enough for any womans son, and you are starting out with a harder job than most. Cos I dont know any of you Im going to give mum in law the benefit of the doubt here.:) Lets assume shes not an ogre, just someone who is traditional and a bit stuck in her ways. She sees a single mother as maybe someone with questionable morals, or flighty, and is only looking out for her son. And rearing a child thats not his does put an extra burden on him. (dont shoot me for these comments, Im only trying to see things from her perspective)

Shes only met you once, and you havent said what the circumstances were, but at least it was civil. I think in the beginning, and for the sake of your bfs sanity, you have to meet this woman more than half way. Show her what you are made of, honest, decent etc, not a harlot and that you love her son. It may be hard seemingly bending over for her, but you need to win her around. Doing battle with her from day one will not help you.

If all else fails, and she does turn out to be an ogre, then your bf will indeed need to stand up to her a lot more than he does now if he wants to keep you.

Dudess

OP, if you finish things you'll be letting that narrowminded woman win. She's the bad person, not you. Don't allow her to prove herself right by conceding to her. She has a problem with you because you're a single mum. She's stuck in the '50s.

To be honest with what you've said so far i think you should just follow other people's advise and get to know her better!
this seem's a problem that only time will find a solution to but worrying in the here and now will put further strain on your relationship

The Corinthian

heisminenow wrote:

We eventually want to get married and have kids etc, but she is already making things difficult for him. Some nights he says he cant call cos she'll go mad at him.

Let me get this straight; the two of you are ready to make a lifelong commitment and he's still living at home with his mother?

If we do get engaged, which we were planning for the start of next year maybe, i now she will freak out at him. I can already feel him backing off the idea, saying maybe we should wait till later on next year, or maybe we should move in together for a while, but that would really make her freak out.
I know its because of her that he is trying to put this off..

Mmmmm... no, it's not. As Metrovelvet pointed out he is a mammy's boy - he's living at home and allowing his mother to essentially dictate his actions. Or not - after all, she does give a good excuse for him to keep things on the long finger, TBH.

You're seeing him for a year and are already looking for marriage. Any reason for the rush? One year from meeting to marriage, with no cohabitation trial, is a bit of a rush, after all, and typically you'll tend to see it only in older couples who are looking to beat the biological clock.

Could you give us some more background?

jimmycrackcorm

OP, the first thing you should realize is that she is from another generation that grew up with different values and morals. You should make the effort to get to knwo her more and she'll eventually realize what sort of person you are.

King of Kings

OP - While I'm all on for getting this woman on your side there comes a point where you have to ask your bf to respect you and not continually run to his mam when she calls.
My own opinion is if he doesn't respect you and trest you right no matter what the reason - walk away cos you'll only get hurt.

ferdi

The Corinthian wrote:

Let me get this straight; the two of you are ready to make a lifelong commitment and he's still living at home with his mother?... he is a mammy's boy

the OP said he is looking after her...acting as a carer for ones own mother in her old age rather than shoving her in a nursing home to die is hardly the crime of the century and dosnt really make him a mammy's boy, rather its probably is an example of this guys kind and caring nature which is part of the attraction for the OP...just a thought.

Jotter

Would you consider sitting his mother down and asking her outstraight why she has a problem with you? If its really that bad that you are wondering if the relationship is worth the hassle then maybe you should just take the bull by the horns?

Discuss it with your boyf and if he thinks its a good idea then go for it. Tell her you know she loves her son and wants the best for him but that you do too and you want to include her in your lives but you cant do this if shes always going to be cold to you.

Im not sure if your boyf should be there for the conversation or not, she could see it as you both ganging up on her if he is but on the other hand if she starts spouting crap he should be there to stick up for you and tell her that he loves you and that she needs to accept that bec its not going to change.

if you do go with this option and things go bad and he doesnt stand up for you then its time to take a break and reconsider the relationship bec youll always be second best and thats no way to live imo.

good luck!

Victor

If you don't talk with her and don't know what each other's tolerence levels are, how will you live with her as your mother in law for the next X years?

heisminenow wrote:

I'm a single mother

Is this her problem or is there more?

If we do get engaged, which we were planning for the start of next year maybe,

Is this a little quick?

DublinWriter

OP - as mentioned here serveral times, the key to your problem would be to establish your own personal relationship with his mother. Invite her out to lunch, etc. Somewhere quiet and relaxed where you can chat. If you can, don't bring your child along to that initial sit-down.

But re-reading over your initial post, a thought did strike me - is he really willing to commit or is he using his mother as a convienient excuse?

You seem to be wanting to rush everything - is he really of the same mind as you? Could you be making him feel a little trapped and panicky?

Also your choice of unregged nickname sounds a little bunny-boileresque, but I'm sure you're not that bad!

Best of luck,

DW.

LegacyUser

Update:

Things have been great sine then , except for the last week.

He now has a problem with my daughter, and doesnt know if he can carry on the relationship, he says he wishes my daughter was his and is afraid that when we do have kids there will be a divide in the family. We went on hoildays a while back and he said that since that he has realised how much this might affect him as i talked about my daughter alot, the fact that she still see's her father bugs him.

At the moment i am giving him space to decide what to do.

We still havent got engaged and that has been put back to maybe next yr.

I know that all of this comes from his mother saying stuff to him.

i am in bits over this and now i have to wait for a few days to hear from him so he can decide what to do..

Any advice guys? I cant lose him, i really cant.

King of Kings

he'sminenow wrote: »

Any advice guys? I cant lose him, i really cant.

you can and should lose him. he is not a great catch - not for you anyway.,
as a single father any girl that mentioned my kid or baggage ever has been kicked to the curb post haste.
Do you want you kid growing up with a guy like that who treats her different cos she is not his?

TBH there are nicier guys out there - who have a pair of bollocks and are not embarrassed to be seen with a single mum.
from your post he is always going to be controlled by his mum. I only see a load of heartbreak for you.

try not to be so desperate. So much better out there.

he'sminenow wrote: »

he fact that she still see's her father bugs him.

who the **** does he think he is?

you must know deep down what to do.

humanji

Tell him your daughter will stop seeing her father when he stops seeing his mother. He's just being an idiot.

K_P

I'm so sorry OP. It's a horrible sutuation to be in and I could feel my blood pressure rising as I read your latest post. How dare he have a problem with your daughter still seeing her father. It's her right to see him and it's wonderful that her father is still a part of her life. He knew you had a daughter when he started seeing you. He can't legitimately bring it up as a problem now. :mad:

As you said yourself, this stuff is coming from his mother. He needs to grow a backbone, but from what you've said I can't see that happening any time soon. Things have already gotten worse - engagement being deferred, talking the way he is about your daughter, etc. My advice would be to finish things with him, but I know that's easier said than done. But do you really want to set up home with, marry and spend the rest of your life with a man who sees your daughter as a division in his family? Think of the effect that will have on your daughter!

Six months ago you were contemplating finishing with him over his mother, and now you say you can't lose him?! I'll repeat what the last poster said, yes you can and yes you should. For the sake of your sanity if nothing else.

McGinty

Hi Op

I have been in a somewhat similar situation only slightly reverse. A few years ago I dated a widower with three teenage children, the eldest was 21. My ex and I got on brilliantly at the time until some months into the relationship the eldest daughter developed a problem with me (I am much younger than my ex), it escalated into a row in a pub where she was mad at me for drinking. I was upset at the time and my ex was as well. However, he felt he couldn't see me because his daughter didn't like me, after a couple of weeks I got some perspective and realised it didn't matter how much his daughter hated me because I saw she was struggling with the idea that her father was seeing a new woman and it was scary for her, I said to my ex I could accept her hate but that I hoped we would continue to see each other and develop our relationship. It didn't happen that way, he tried to keep me secret for a few months and hide our relationship but I wouldn't allow that so it ended. In hindsight I am so glad it didn't work out because I have learned alot about my ex and how he treats people. I had a luckyt escape. Ironically I see his daughter from time to time and we get on grand now, she is a lovely person.
What I learned is that my ex used his daughter to hide behind, furthermore I learned he was cold and if I had of stayed with him (we talked of eventually living together) my life would have been very lonely. Whilst you can't see this now because you love your boyfriend, this may be a blessing in disguise. Your boyfriend may be hiding behind his mother. However your latest posting is espicially worrying, like you I am a single mother and I have had that whole I can't accept your child thing (after a year by another boyfriend) and I kicked him to the curb (nice phrase that). Your child deserves the best and not made feel second best, it is extremely damaging to a child if they are not accepted by the step parent, please, please make sure your child is treated with integrity. Your boyfriend sounds very namby pamby and to be honest you would be better of without him. It can be difficult being alone but I personally believe being in a damaging relationship is far far worse. Be brave and best of luck, oh and ask yourself what do you want, not what he wants.

Beruthiel

he'sminenow wrote: »

He now has a problem with my daughter, and doesnt know if he can carry on the relationship

ffs - so x amount of years into the relationship and now he decides this? Yet up to this point he had no problem getting involved with you.

he says he wishes my daughter was his and is afraid that when we do have kids there will be a divide in the family.

That would only happen if he allows it to.

the fact that she still see's her father bugs him.

That man seriously needs to get over himself. The child has a right to see her father, yet he cares so much for her, he'd rather she didn't

I cant lose him, i really cant.

Are you sure about that?
He sound's like a prize catch.
Seriously, your kids come first, their happiness comes first. If they are not happy, you will not be happy. Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who will make your kids miserable? Kids feel and see more than you think and will know if he resents them.

My sis re-remarried, she has a teenage daughter, her now husband has no time for kids so the child was shipped off to boarding school and they rarely see her.
She now has fuk all relationship with her mother anymore and despises her mothers husband. My heart goes out to that child and I consider my sis more than neglectful towards her daughter.
You may love this man, but think very carefully about your future and your childs future before you decide if he is worth it.

He entered this relationship with his eyes open and is creating problems now where there are none. He needs to grow a pair and if he can't why are you bothering?
This kind of thing shouldn't be an issue at this stage of a relationship.
If a man is not interested in being with a woman who has children, then the time to take that decision is at the start of a relationship, not decide marriage is in the future and then decide it's not because of problems he is not making up out of no where.
I feel for you. I'm lucky, my partner gets on great with my daughter. In order for a long term relationship to work, you need to have a partner who gets on with your kids. The relationship won't work otherwise. Long term tensions will kill it.

LegacyUser

Thanks you for all the replies.
i understand what ye are all saying i really do..
i asked him why he is bringing this up now, that he always knew i had a child etc..he said the more serious we got the more it bothered him.
he said he would like to be a big part of her life, he really is mad about her but he said there are occasions in her life that he doesnt know if he can deal with. like her communion next yr and her confirmation..wedding etc..
The more i think about this the more i doubt his reasons...
like he said the more serious we got was when he realised...but it wasa yr ago he went for planning for a house, even asked me to choose which one i liked best etc...he said he never wanted to build a house before but when he met me he wanted to make a home for me and him and my daughter..
My daughter adores him, talks about him more and sees him more than her father. Tehre was times where the three of us would be in my bed having a pure laugh and he used to say he loved it, it was like we were a little family.

I was supposed to give him space so yesterday i didnt contact him and he didnt contact me, but that didnt stop me checking my phone every half an hour...yesterday was our first day not speaking since sept 2006. it was a very hard and very long day and night.
i couldnt sleep and i havent eaten in days, well i've eaten bits but threw them up afterwards.
i woke this mornign and txted him, i told him he needed to make a decision cos it wasnt fair leaving me wait for him. he said he would talk to me later , i asked him could we do it face to face, (its the least i deserve) and he replied with yeah.
so i guess he will ring tonight and we will arrange to meet and i'm guessing this is where he finishes it....
my daughter will be gutted as he was a big part of her life too, and i know i need to be strong for her more than anyone else..hiding the tears from her these last few days has been the hardest thing.
i just need to get through this, my heart is actually sore with the pain...i have a constant lump in my throat, i cant talk to people cos they will ask about him and i know i will break down and cry..
i feel at at total loss and not sure how i will cope...

dresden8

Dudess wrote: »

OP, if you finish things you'll be letting that narrowminded woman win. She's the bad person, not you. Don't allow her to prove herself right by conceding to her. She has a problem with you because you're a single mum. She's stuck in the '50s.

I think this is a very dangerous way of going on. This is not about beating the mother. This is nothing to do with the mother.

The b/f is clearly an asswipe and rather than deal with that problem the OP is projecting all problems onto the mother. Or clearly he is an asswipe and hiding behind his mother.

He is a tool and should be kicked in the nuts and told to eff off post-haste.

Cateym

I think your boyfriend is stalling with his comments re your daughter. He is using this as an excuse not to marry you. Cut your losses and move on.

Beruthiel

hesminenow wrote: »

he really is mad about her but he said there are occasions in her life that he doesnt know if he can deal with. like her communion next yr and her confirmation..wedding etc..

It's quite clear to me that he has a big problem with self esteem.
If he were a confident person and happy in his own skin then he would be able to stand back and understand that the above is twisted logic.
He's a grown up, can he not share her important days with everyone she loves.
If that is his only excuse (3 days out of all of her life) then you'd have to be asking some big questions of him. IMO he's clutching at straws because he has cold feet all of a sudden.

My daughter adores him

Yet that's not enough for him?
At a guess, I'd also be thinking that this has very little to do with your daughter and more to do with the fact he's looking for an easy way out.

Best of luck with your chat.

Dragan

Beruthiel wrote: »

His mother needs to get over herself.
Also, your bloke needs to grow a backbone

Bingo, buddy needs to man up and put Mammy back in her box.

His choices are his to make, not hers. If he can't see that i don't think he is ready to get married to begin with.

seamus

Cateym wrote: »

I think your boyfriend is stalling with his comments re your daughter. He is using this as an excuse not to marry you. Cut your losses and move on.

I don't think so.
We all spend most of our childhood and teenage years hearing from our parents about what's right and what's wrong and we take it (more or less) as gospel.

What we sometimes forget is that our parents are human who have their own issues and their own opinions. As we get older, our opinions and experiences will naturally differ from theirs and our "issues" will differ from theirs. So their opinions about what we should do, become less and less relevant.
I've seen a lot people in their 20's, 30's even 40's and 50's, still listening to frankly horrendous advice from their parents, about situations the parents don't understand and where it's perfectly clear that the parent is merely ranting based on their own insecurities.

It does sound the boyfriend has his mother ringing in his ear and is letting it affect him. The issue of the other father is something that's he probably afraid of having to deal with in future, but we all have our new and scary experiences to deal with. We can't shy away just cos we're scared.

As Ber says, the fact that he adores your daughter and she adores him, should be good enough. Is he worried that her father may try to win you back?

CoolSmileyGuy

OP,

No matter what, I hope it works out for you..

Seo

humanji

hesminenow wrote: »

My daughter adores him, talks about him more and sees him more than her father.

Does he know this?

LegacyUser

Yeah he knows she adores him, and he always tells me what a great child she is.
he rang me just before 6, he was in good form, we chatted away like there was nothing wrong for a while, he reminded me where we were this weekend last yr and we had a laugh about that.
i am meeting him 2nite, he said he was looking forward to seeing me..

Toto Wolfcastle

hesminenow wrote: »

Yeah he knows she adores him, and he always tells me what a great child she is.
he rang me just before 6, he was in good form, we chatted away like there was nothing wrong for a while, he reminded me where we were this weekend last yr and we had a laugh about that.
i am meeting him 2nite, he said he was looking forward to seeing me..

I hope you got him to talk about it, and if not, get him to do so as soon as possible, because, believe me, you will not stop thinking about it until you reach some sort of conclusion, good or bad.

Crumble Froo

best of luck OP... though about this..

he says he wishes my daughter was his and is afraid that when we do have kids there will be a divide in the family.

just thought id share, i witnessed my b/f's brother's marriage a couple of weeks ago, and he was marrying a woman who had already married and had a kid, i think about the same age as your girl. they have been living together for a while now, and before the 'do you take X to be your lawfully wedded wife' they had this really sweet bit where he took the kid's hand and vowed to look after him as if he was his own. the kid adores this guy, and he does love the kid as if he's his own. the kid was thrilled after the wedding, and loved calling the guy 'dad'. he still sees his own dad, and it's all good.

i do find it hard to believe that the more serious thigns got, the more the fact you had a child became a problem for him. personally, i'd've thought that the beginnings of a relationship with someone with a child is the scary part, cos you ahve no idea how they're gonna take to their parent having a new lover in their life. especially once you have established a good relationship with the child, surely that's a great sign, and means you can relax?!

LegacyUser

cheesedude wrote: »

If you looked like Jennifer Lopez, do you think he would have a tough time standing up to his mother? Didn't think so. If he loves you, he will do what it takes.

Ben Affleck's mother was supposed to approve of J.Lo. And she made a film where the future mother-in-law didn't approve of her??

1 year isn't an awful long time to go out with someone. Maybe he just needs more time himself before getting married. Maybe try to meet his mum again, try to grow on her a bit. That is if the relationship is worth it to you. A lot of Irish men are mammy's boys. It can be a good thing in that they appreciate women.

Mrs_Doyle

he'sminenow wrote: »

Update:

Things have been great sine then , except for the last week.

He now has a problem with my daughter, and doesnt know if he can carry on the relationship, he says he wishes my daughter was his and is afraid that when we do have kids there will be a divide in the family. We went on hoildays a while back and he said that since that he has realised how much this might affect him as i talked about my daughter alot, the fact that she still see's her father bugs him.

At the moment i am giving him space to decide what to do.

We still haven't got engaged and that has been put back to maybe next yr.

I know that all of this comes from his mother saying stuff to him.

i am in bits over this and now i have to wait for a few days to hear from him so he can decide what to do..

Any advice guys? I cant lose him, i really cant.

OK, the harsh reality, as I see it, he is a spineless prick who is looking for excuses to end the relationship... OR... he wants to be sure that he has the upper-hand on you by making you feel like you are the one who created these problems, and you should always feel blessed that he's with you.

The Corinthian

Mrs_Doyle wrote: »

OK, the harsh reality, as I see it, he is a spineless prick who is looking for excuses to end the relationship... OR... he wants to be sure that he has the upper-hand on you by making you feel like you are the one who created these problems, and you should always feel blessed that he's with you.

The harsh reality is that all other things being equal a single parent, male or female, will always be at a disadvantage when seeking another partner and so, yes, to a degree she will be lucky. Not a very politically correct thing to say, but that's how the World turns.

It does, however, sound like he's working on an exit strategy at this stage as the most likely scenario, IMO.

Marksie

bumped

thread closed