Problems with my mother

LegacyUser

Recently my mother asked my father to leave the house. He hasn’t left yet (because he really loves her and doesn’t want to leave), but she wants him to go soon.

Ever since this happened, I don’t know, I feel like I’ve really seen her true colors. She’s never been the best mother, I’m pretty certain she resents me because as I was growing up my dad paid more attention to me, the child (I'm 20, now, in college), than her. I always figured this was how it was supposed to go, that children come first, but she was jealous of me. And now that she’s asked him to leave she is constantly talking about how she’s never felt like she was a part of the family. For example, when I said to her that this was a really big deal to me, it was destroying my family, the only family I’d ever known, she just came back saying she was never really a part of it anyway.

She’s just been generally insensitive and, I think, selfish about the whole thing, and it’s got me really, really sad. At one point we were fighting over something, and she told me to get used to this whole situation cause it isn’t going to get any better. At another point she told me that I had a right to be angry at her, but I was angry for the wrong reasons (because part of my anger is that she is going to make my dad very, very sad, since he doesn’t want to go). Whenever I say anything negative about her she’s says something like “but daddy doesn’t do that, does he?” and she’s constantly trying to get me to compare them and it’s so unfair and I hate it and it ISN’T that I don’t like her, I just have more in common with my dad.

Finally, this weekend it all came to a head when she was gone all day Saturday and Sunday with these new friends she’s made (they're all into this weird psychic stuff and she goes to healing circles and I don't know what, it's strange). I felt really terrible all day both days, because although we don’t get along that well, I still like her being around. I look forward to having dinner with both of my parents and watching tv, going out for lunch, whatever. And it made me feel really bad, because she was gone so long, and I know that the reason she was gone was because she didn’t want to be in the house. I told her that I felt bad about it, hoping that she’d say something nice, be comforting or apologize for making me feel bad or SOMETHING. I don’t know why I really expected that, but in any case she got really defensive and started laying guilt trips on me for going out with my friends when she’s getting home from work, and for liking my dad more than her and everything.

And I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, but she’s just got me really sad, I haven’t really left the house since Saturday because I’ve felt so bad, and she doesn’t seem to care. Whenever I say I feel bad, all she says is that she feels bad too. And I try so hard to be nice to her, I want to be a good daughter, but I feel like she started this (in that she decided to have a child), and it would be a lot easier for me to be a good daughter if she would be nice to me first? I just want a little sympathy going through this whole thing, I want her to ask how I’m doing and care how I’m feeling, not to tell me I shouldn’t feel bad. I know she’s unhappy here and I’ve gone out of my way recently to ask her how she’s been feeling, hoping that her new friends and all that are making her more happy, because as unhappy as I am about her decision, I DO want her to be happy. At this point, though, I’m starting to care a lot less about her feelings, because she’s just being so selfish. I just want a mom who cares, and I’ve told her straight up that that’s all I want, is for her to say nice things and not turn everything I say into something about how terrible she’s got it.. but it doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I’m in the wrong here, but I’m just feeling terrible and I don’t know what to do..

Faith

Um... Okay, a couple of things. It sounds like your mum is desperately lonely, and asking your dad to leave was a cry for attention. Secondly, I think you're the one being selfish, to be honest. I realise you want attention, but your mum has told you that she doesn't feel like she's part of the family, she feels your dad loves you more than her, she feels like you prefer your dad. When she asked your dad to leave, you got on her case about how she was upsetting him, not sympathising with her. I'm not surprised she feels excluded and lonely. I'd recommend that you pay attention to her, tell her you love her, ask her to explain to you why she doesn't feel part of the family and why she wants your dad to move out.

Your mum was so unhappy in the house that she left for the weekend, and then you wanted her to comfort you, and apologise for making you feel bad. Actually, the more I read your post, the more selfish I think you are.

LegacyUser

'I guess you're right. I haven't been very sensitive. I've been trying really hard to be, though. It's just that she's NEVER been happy, and we've never actually left her out. We both love her so much, and no matter what we do, she won't believe us.

I know she's really sad, and I feel awful that she is so lonely, but she's always been really sad (and I feel like she's never cared that much if I have been). She had a really bad childhood, she's never given me the details, but I know she felt very very unloved. She's very insecure and no matter what we do she feels unloved. (I swear, I might talk to my dad more that I talk to her, but he and I really, really care about her.) I've just been feeling neglected a little, I guess, but maybe I shouldn't expect much from her when things are going so badly for her.

Any advice, then, maybe, on convincing her that I really do care about her?'

Carrigart Exile

Why should your father leave the house because your mum is unhappy???? Can she not leave the house or does she want all of teh comforts he helped provide

Beruthiel

momdoesntloveme wrote:

For example, when I said to her that this was a really big deal to me, it was destroying my family, the only family I’d ever known, she just came back saying she was never really a part of it anyway.

As Faith said, she sounds lonely and sad, have you really talked to her about why she feels this way or are you just guessing?

At another point she told me that I had a right to be angry at her, but I was angry for the wrong reasons

Have you asked her what she means by that?

Whenever I say anything negative about her she’s says something like “but daddy doesn’t do that, does he?” and she’s constantly trying to get me to compare them and it’s so unfair and I hate it and it ISN’T that I don’t like her, I just have more in common with my dad.

So you're not making as much effort with her and she feels left out?
Actions speak louder than words, perhaps you exclude her without even seeing that you are doing so?

I still like her being around. I look forward to having dinner with both of my parents and watching tv, going out for lunch, whatever.

The unregged name you picked - momdoesntloveme - do you really think that?
Your mother loves you more than you will ever know, she's been there for the first 20 years of your life, cooking your dinners and spending time with you, this is proof - if she truely didn't love you than she wouldn't have done any of the above for 20 years, she'd have been long gone.
Think about all the tiny little things she has done over the years, really think about them, and realise that you have a woman who has been there for you as best she could while at the same time trying to cope with her past.
You say she had a terrible childhood, has she ever talked to a professional about it? That sort of crap will be with you your whole life if you do not face it and sort it out. Sounds like she desperately needs to be helped on that score as it effects everything else in her life.

davyjose

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Why should your father leave the house because your mum is unhappy???? Can she not leave the house or does she want all of teh comforts he helped provide

You're talking to the wall here. Men have zero rights.