A long journey..

doubtfir3

Good afternoon,

A kinda tough one for me to post and I've been wanting to see what others in the same situation think for some time but its only now after a long period of time that I finally seem to have things straight in my own head.

< BTW I think it will be a long post so feel freel to get a cup of tea! >

I was adopted in 1980 in Cork and my adoptive parents were always 100% up-front and honest with me about it. From an early age I had planned to do a trace for my natural parents with a (possibly naive) view towards having some form of 'great' relationship with them at some point in the future.

I had a very difficult time with my parents from the age of approx 13 (more than normal for a teenager) with the result that I left home at the age of 17 and became self-supporting.

At this stage I decided to begin a trace once I had reached 18 and took the first tentative steps towards this. I was scheduled to meet with the adoption agency in Sept 2000 but had a crash only a few days before so was in hospital. After that I spent a long time recuperating and with the closure of St Anne's in Cork there was a bit of consusion about who should deal with me for a short while.

I visited the SHB in Cork in late 2004 and got my non-identifying information and also heard about some medical history at that stage.

Now comes the fun part..

In the course of this meeting, I learned that I now have also got a half-brother who was given up for adoption the year before me. The phrase that was used in the summary to me was that my mother had admitted that she was a little 'wild' but felt that this initial pregnancy (at 16) had 'matured her'.

I also have a letter at home which says the exact same 'pregnancy had matured her' relating to my birth.

I was completely enraged at reading this, and then immediately wondered if it was merely a standard phrase which was used by the adoption agency.. I suspect not.

I 100% realise that adoption and all issues surrounding it are, at best very personal and can be emotional for people but I can't get it out of my head - how many more times did this happen???

Having said all that, I woud like to point out that I bear no animosity towards my mother for taking the decision she did. My father wanted nothing to do with me and she felt with other circumstances that she would not be able to look after me properly.

In fact, I applaud her for having the courage to take that decision but can't get this thing out of my head.. am I being very unfair?

After plenty of wondering, I have asked the SHB to do a trace and have to call the social worker later today to see how that is progressing.. of course I'm anxious and and apprehensive but simultaneously excited and exhilirated.. who knows what the trace will bring - I'm preparing for good and bad news and strangely feel at peace now that I have taken the steps.

Apologies for the long post everyone, there's a lot more, which I'll save for another time... but it feels really good to share!

Thanks so much for reading!

Enda
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holly_johnson

Enda,

Thanks for the post and for being so open with your story. I really hope you get what you want from the Social Worker.
You're right not to feel animosity towards your birth mum, she probably made the decision that was best for you and her at the time.
You never know someone's full story until you meet them and hear it directly (which I hope you do). I know in my case what was known by the orphanage was a pack of lies that she told them. The truth was very different!

Let us know how you get on!

doubtfir3

Thanks holly,

Its funny, because about 3 hours after I posted yesterday I actually heard from the social worker that she had been in contact with my birth mother and she was very anxious and open to meeting!

She will be meeting her next week and I have to write a letter now.. the mid boggles though.. its gonna be hard to properly convey all I'm feeling in a couple of pages! I'm at the start of the next stage of a wonderfully difficult journey and I'm very excited at all the good (an undoubtedly hard or negative) things it is going to bring.

I'm looking forward to it but am also very apprehensive.. all very natural I realise but it feels great to finally be doing what I have wanted to start for so long.

Thanks all for reading/sharing/listening.. I do appreciate it.

MaryMagdalene

Hi Enda

Just wishing you all the best. Be yourself and remember she too will be feeling apprehensive and nervous but she wouldn't have said yes to a meeting unless her overriding feeling was hope.

I truly hope that it all works out for you both. Would be nice if you shared how it goes. I hope to be in your Mothers shoes in the future...... and meet my daughter.

Blackrocks

Hi Enda
Want to wish you the very best - Im sure its extremely difficult for you and sincerely hope it works out ok for you both - like MM - I hope and wish that some day I will be in your birthmom's shoes.. Good luck and take care.

Moonbeam

Good Luck Enda:)

I hope it all works out well for you and all your questions are answered:)

Rach

doubtfir3

Hello all,

A quick update..

I finally got to send a letter off to my birth mother yesterday.. I've been worrying about it and drafting and re-drafting letters for the past few weeks but eventually decided to cut it back to bare bones and keep it simple..

It still ended up as 3 pages :rolleyes:

I'll wait for a few weeks now and see what happens.. I'm not even so sure what I'm expecting from this, or know anything about how quickly it might all happen. In a lot of ways, its probably best that I'm not going into this with any expectations as I know that no matter what I imagine the experience will be nothing like it!

I have found that I have three half brothers and also two other sisters (other than my twin sister who was adopted with me) and that my mother has thought about me always, but like so many other birth mothers was afraid of taking the first step in case of feelings of resentment etc because of giving up a child.

This is certainly one of the scariest but simultaneously exhilarating things I have ever done in my life and I'm glad I'm doing it.

Its chapter 2 of the journey so far!

Enda
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Blackrocks

ENDA
WELL DONE TO YOU! I WANT TO WISH YOU THE VERY BEST OF LUCK ON THE REST OF YOUR JOURNEY.:) will be thinking of you and hope it all goes very well. The first step must have been difficult - onwards and upwards!
Blackrocks

MaryMagdalene

Enda

That's brilliant. Looking forward to Chapter 3 already ........

MM