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Girlfriend has emotional problems

  • 05-06-2007 8:04am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've been with my girl for a year now, and I love her to bits. But she is carrying a lot of baggage from a traumatic childhood, and I have fears she may have been abused - she can't remember any of her childhood before the age of 11, it's a total blank.

    I love her, but she brings a lot of baggage into the relationship. At first, I thought it wouldn't affect *us*. We swore that we wouldn't let it affect us.

    But it is affecting us. And it affects me... big time. I've had my own teen issues, and I've done a lot of work on myself to heal myself through meditation and getting involved in various activities/organisations. I've come a long way, and made my life a happier and more peaceful place to be.

    But when my girlfriends emotional issues keep on coming up, I feel it's bringing me back to that dark place I use to dwell in, and I don't want to go there :(

    She has moved in with me for the summer (we used to just see each other at weekends). And I look on this as a chance to finally find out if I can be with her. But my doubts stem from her great abaility to be self-deceiving. She avoids, covers up, and runs away from her issues at every chance. I guess it's how she copes. But they are still there. I'm think that she is too afraid to get help, to go into her dark side to heal it. There is also a little bit of laziness... I feel deep down, she feels that her way of dealing with things is acceptable (maybe because all of her family siffer from the same issues) and that by telling her she needs to heal, that I am not loving and accepting her completely.

    The turning point came when I broke down crying with her. I hadn't cried, or sobbed so desparately for over 10 years (since my uncle died). She cries and gets upset very easily, and regularly. Sometimes I (or someone she works with) say something harmless, and she can't take it, and gets emotionally very upset. I couldn't watch her anymore, her fears, her anxieties, her insecurities, her foolish little petty, self centred obsessions... and I just broke down crying with her for over 30 minutes... I was screaming crying. I couldn't believe it.

    I look on this summer as make or break. To put it bluntly, if she doesn't sort herself out, I will not be willing to stay in this relationship any longer. I don't want to crack up, or to go back to that dark place of unhappiness and depression. Maybe we are too similar, as we both have past hurts, and both needed healing very badly. Problem is, she doesn't seem to want to go down the healing path as much as I did. She is willing to continue blindly.

    Should I tell her that this summer is make or break, and that she needs to get herself healed pronto? Or should I just hope for the best?

    P.S. Yes, we have communicated about this. Many times. I have said what my fears were, that this darkness could destroy the relationship. She has tried in small ways to improve - but mostly on the surface level, and not long/hard enough to make a real deep emotional healing difference. She understands how much it is starting to affect me, and surely me breaking down crying should have been a factor to show her how much it is killing me?


Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    She needs to seriously think about talking to a professional about this. It will haunt her through her life if she doesn't face it head on and put it in the past.
    Have you talked to her about seeing someone?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    OP: i think you have to tell her how close to cracking you are. Shje is saying that she understands, but i don't think she does.

    As Beruthiel says ask her to go for hlep, and go with her. You may also consider attending yourself or taking separate advice. You may ahve started on the path of healing, but your reaction indicates that you still have issues thaht need resolving.

    So perhaps professional counselling for both of you would be the place to start.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    "As Beruthiel says ask her to go for hlep, and go with her. You may also consider attending yourself or taking separate advice. You may ahve started on the path of healing, but your reaction indicates that you still have issues thaht need resolving."

    Thanks for the responses..

    I had been doing amazing, my life was very positive. Having "bad days" just didn't happen to me anymore. Perhaps I am still sensitive in certain areas, and perhaps my gf just brings this out in me? But I hoestly don't feel that I need counselling, as I was doing fine on my own.

    Maybe I'm just not made for relationships... or maybe I'm just not made for this relationship? Maybe I just need to be with someone who has the same will to live in peace, without stress and anxiety. To endlessly work on oneself (as I do through meditation, which is basically self-psychotherapy)to find that peace? I can't be with someone who lives in fear or with negative thoughts... it drives me nuts.

    The sad thing is, a part of me loves my glrifriend.

    And a part of me hates her deeply... ****ing despesis her for bringing this **** into our happy relationship. I resent that. Only recently have I realised, that I resent being her counsellor...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 31 Smart Guy


    I know exactly where you are coming from I have been there myself with my wife. The first bit of advice I can give you is that if ye are going to continue your girlfriend needs to see a councillor now ! What is inside her is like a boil ready to bust and she needs councilling before it does. If you are going to help her though this you will need to set a few ground rules as otherwise you will get dragged down and will be of no use to anyone especially her. Make sure you get time to yourself every day to clear your head even if it isonly a walk. Dont buy newspapers as they alwalys focus on the negative and you will have only bad news around the house. Pick a room in the house and fixed times for to talk about her issues as that way you have some control and break from a constant barrage of emotions. Never discuss negative issues before going to bed focus on the positive at the end of each day and avoid any excessive alcohol. With this hanging over both of ye life seems a bit drab. Look at this day as the start of a new and happier day where instead of just being alive that ye are living life. The first step is to ask for help now do something about it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'I'm of the opinion it would be better for you both to walk away from the situation/relationship. I don't believe that the relationship could ever work.

    I was in a similar situation both me and my very very close friend both suffered from pretty dark emotional issues. He was getting help however and i wasn't. In the beginning it was great having someone to talk to about this stuff because until that point i had kept bottling everything in, never told anyone about my issues, and yeah in a way he did become my counsellor i felt like he understood me and related. I was so caught up in my own self pity however i ignored how this was affecting him. He wanted to get better, i was too caught up with feeling sorry for myself. After a while i could see that i was dragging him down undoing all the good his counselling was doing. I've never had a friend like him, don't think i ever will again but in the end i just had to distance myself from him. I'll love him to bits forever but from a distance.
    Maybe I'm just not made for relationships... or maybe I'm just not made for this relationship?

    this has nothing to do with you its your gfs issue. its not healthy for two people with such issues to be so dependent upon each other. 'suppose its like a recovering drug addict living with a dealer. Its far too easy to fall back into that place when it constantly surrounds you.

    maybe when she decides to deal with her issues and get help you may have a future but not now.'


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