Same row over and over.........

LegacyUser

Hi,

It's now 2.21am on a Monday night. I've just been woken up (yet again) by my drunken boyfriend making loadsa noise downstairs- (we've been together for nearly 6 years- living together for the last 1.5 years).
This happens at least once a week, usually on a sunday night.
We end up rowing every time it happens- cos-
A)- I have work and I need my sleep.
- The kitchen and general downstairs area is always a mess after him- he get's really 'stupid' when drunk- eg- making himself eg-crisps and lettuce sandwiches, and makes a right mess- eg- food in my shoes, sick on floor, etc)
C)- He used to wet the bed, but this has recently stopped- I don't know why, or what has made him stop..he still drinks the same amount every time, by the looks of him..
D)- He can be a real d-head at these times.

I just find this behaviour totally unacceptable. He's great to live with all the rest of the time, but it's these times that really try me. I don't want to be his keeper- but I end up asking him everytime he goes out- to come home at a reasonable hour- and to try not to drink too much. He doesn't seem to be able to exercise any control over the amount he drinks. He really doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behavoiur- and think's i'm totally over-reacting when I tell him that I don't hink he's the man for me. (In fact, he acts like such a child when we're rowing about it).

Another part of my argument is that sometimes, when I ask him not to go out for a few drinks- usually if he's been really drunk the night before, he makes the excuse that he wants to have a pint with his dad.....but then he'll come home really late, and the usual row ensues the following day.

He's a really kind person, and I am in love with him still, but the above behaviour is really starting to get in on me.

Opinions?

boffin

Firstly - getting sick in the kitchen - how does he not think that there is something wrong with that! If you have told him it bothers you and he still hasn't changed or altered his drinking then it appears that until he realises how bad his behaviour is when he is that drunk then he prob won't change. Could you videotape him in one these states and play it back to him so he can realise how bad he is when he is like that...they use this alot in the U.S. and it has been shown to help as most people never realise how bad they are when they are drunk!

Its a hard one because you can't control his behaviour - you can only tell him how it bothers you and hope that he understands and curbs some of his drinking...I know that's not much help but his behaviour is only under his control.

Saruman

Have you seen the video of the Hoff when he is drunk? Im sure that was a wake up call for him... so record him the next time.. then the next day when he still has a hangover... crank up the volume and make him watch it.

Rb

Saruman wrote:

Have you seen the video of the Hoff when he is drunk? Im sure that was a wake up call for him... so record him the next time.. then the next day when he still has a hangover... crank up the volume and make him watch it.

I like this idea.

Your boyfriend sounds like an absolute mess when he has drink taken, recording him and showing him what an idiot he is might do the trick alright. Alternatively, wait until some of his friends are around and then put the video on.

Also, if you do his laundry, refuse to do it for a while if he keeps getting sick on your stuff, either that or start using his fresh underwear as toilet paper and putting it back in the drawer. Might teach him a thing or two.

Best of luck with it.

Boston

Question, do you plan having kids and making a home with this man? If so is that the type of thing you want them exposed too. At soem stage people need to grow up and realise that no, you can't drink 18 pints if you're 11 stone, and no you're not at kid anymore where mommy would take care of you after you got sick on yourself.

davyjose

Boston wrote:

Question, do you plan having kids and making a home with this man? If so is that the type of thing you want them exposed too. At soem stage people need to grow up and realise that no, you can't drink 18 pints if you're 11 stone, and no you're not at kid anymore where mommy would take care of you after you got sick on yourself.

This is very valid! You say you find his behaviour unacceptable, well it is. TBH, wetting the bed, food in your shoes, vomit everywhere: this is about as bad as it gets.
It may be hard, but you need to start realising that you might be better off without him.

Victor

I think there are two interlinked problems (a) his drinking (b) how this affects you and the relationship.

Getting someone outside the relationship (a counsellor?) to mediate between you on b, might be the start of solving a.

estar

Unregstered wrote:

Hi,

It's now 2.21am on a Monday night. I've just been woken up (yet again) by my drunken boyfriend making loadsa noise downstairs- (we've been together for nearly 6 years- living together for the last 1.5 years).
This happens at least once a week, usually on a sunday night.
We end up rowing every time it happens- cos-
A)- I have work and I need my sleep.
- The kitchen and general downstairs area is always a mess after him- he get's really 'stupid' when drunk- eg- making himself eg-crisps and lettuce sandwiches, and makes a right mess- eg- food in my shoes, sick on floor, etc)
C)- He used to wet the bed, but this has recently stopped- I don't know why, or what has made him stop..he still drinks the same amount every time, by the looks of him..
D)- He can be a real d-head at these times.

I just find this behaviour totally unacceptable. He's great to live with all the rest of the time, but it's these times that really try me. I don't want to be his keeper- but I end up asking him everytime he goes out- to come home at a reasonable hour- and to try not to drink too much. He doesn't seem to be able to exercise any control over the amount he drinks. He really doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behavoiur- and think's i'm totally over-reacting when I tell him that I don't hink he's the man for me. (In fact, he acts like such a child when we're rowing about it).

Another part of my argument is that sometimes, when I ask him not to go out for a few drinks- usually if he's been really drunk the night before, he makes the excuse that he wants to have a pint with his dad.....but then he'll come home really late, and the usual row ensues the following day.

He's a really kind person, and I am in love with him still, but the above behaviour is really starting to get in on me.

Opinions?

there is no way a man would get sick in my kitchen more than once
and live.

he should be bothered by this himself and want to change it, not
leave it to you to be his conscience.

I dont know what to say regarding a solution, i couldnt tolerate
someone who couldnt handle their drink like that. Im not saying I
am right, but I just couldnt.

I bet he wouldnt like it if you did it? I know that my boyfriend
hates me being drunk,

maybe you should go out on a night when he is getting up early
come back smashed, trash everything he owns and then have a
trantrum when he protests????

if drink affects your relationship its a problem.

ultamatims never work in these cases though - but if you want him
to change you are going to have to have the serious chat about
your future.

definitely not appropriate behaviour.

estar

rb_ie wrote:

I like this idea.

Your boyfriend sounds like an absolute mess when he has drink taken, recording him and showing him what an idiot he is might do the trick alright. Alternatively, wait until some of his friends are around and then put the video on.

Also, if you do his laundry, refuse to do it for a while if he keeps getting sick on your stuff, either that or start using his fresh underwear as toilet paper and putting it back in the drawer. Might teach him a thing or two.

Best of luck with it.

a little cruel regarding the video in front of mates

but generally this is a fantastic idea.

dudara

If someone is drinking to the point where they are unable to control their bodily functions (vomiting and peeing in the bed), then they have a drink problem.

It is socially unacceptable to inflict this behaviour on others and you should not accept it.

Talk to him, perhaps get his parents/friends involved as well (if they are aware/concerned about his excessive drinking) and suggest talking to a professional.

LegacyUser

I was in a very similar situation.
I lived with someone who was like this.
I almost believed that there was something wrong with me and that I was ruining his fun by saying anything and arguing over it.
Years later and I'm not with him. I would love to tell you I'm as happy as Larry but the fact is no matter how miserable I would ever get I don't have to deal with that crap anymore.
It wasn't my problem, and I would strongly suggest..that it isn't yours either.
No one goes out with someone to teach them how to behave.
He has to learn on his own.

Nmeol

OMIGOD r you going out wit my ex?
cos he was exactly the same as your guy
NO RESPECT!
this is no way to treat another human being
"mebye" is completely right
i am soooo much better off without my ex
the first time he wet the bed was the beginning of the end
i wouldn't tolerate it
took a long time to get over that relationship
an things so much better now (i'm still single but have dated)
he has a new younger eastern european girlfriend now and i hope she is commanding the respect she deserves (tho i doubt it very much)
move on - he'll never change

Anna23

Record him when he is drunk and show it to him the next morning, I will bet you he changes!!! Tried and tested!!!

MikeHoncho

He obviously has a pretty bad tolerance level for the gargle. You will need to let him know that although him going out and enjoying himself is fine this type of occurence on a regular basis is unacceptable. While everyone can be excused for drinking a little too much sometimes if you drink more than you can handle on a constant basis you are only hurting yourself and those around you. Maybe you should make him sleep on the couch for a week. See how he likes that.

kaalgat

I like this idea of taping it and showing it to him.
Someone else also mentioned that you should do the same and freak out when he confronts you, which also sounds like a good idea.

Seriously, nobody needs to put up with cr@p like that. Maybe if he realises what he is really like when he is drunk, he would do something about it.

On the other hand, if that doesn't work I'd say the best thing would be to get rid of him and move on.

All this food in your shoes and wetting the bed etc. , while expecting you to put up with it is utter madness. :mad:
I wouldn't put up with it for a million smackers

ntlbell

do you never go for drinks with him?

what do u do when he's out ?

WindSock

I understand your situation. I have had a similar experience, but not to the extent of pissing and puking all over the place. Just tell your boyfriend before he goes out that you don't want him to sleep in the bed when he comes in, because he will wake you up. Tell him if he is going to come home scuttered, then sleep in the spare room or couch. Leave a pillow and duvet on the couch for him. Ignore his puke in the morning (if you can) just grab your brekkie and leave for the day for him to have to deal with the mess. If he has to clean it up, the he may think twice about doing it again. Alternativley try to 'train' him to puke in the toilet or plastic bag. Don't leave your shoes or clothes in any of the areas he will stumble into.

Also-there is never ever any point in trying to talk or reason with a pissed person. Wait till he's sobered up. Hungover preferably