Snooped in bf's stuff & upset at what I found

i am a lady

Ok, so you never ever find anything good when you go snooping, and I wish now I never had. But I did...and found some old greeting cards/love notes from some woman to my bf. Now this happened a year or probably two years before me met, and it is not like I was never in love before we met. He is in his 40s, was married before and so I would not have been at all surprised if he'd had other serious relationships. The point is though that he never mentioned this woman, in fact he specifically said he hadn't been in love with anyone since he split with his ex-wife. He also said there was nobody else involved in their split. I am now doubtful about that as the dates and the content of the notes indicate that there was some reason for them not to be together, and so I am (perhaps hastily) drawing the conclusion that it was because he was not free. He knows that I am big time against cheating, so I think he was afraid to tell me - I mean, it is not something you pop into casual conversation, is it? I think that now the moment has passed and he doesn't know how to tell me. I hate knowing this and wish I had never poked my nose in.

I have to reiterate, I am not upset that he was in love before. I am upset that he has not told me about this person. I am upset that perhaps everyone else in his life knows about this and I don't. I am worried that if he cheated on his ex wife he could cheat on me. I am worried that he is not the man I thought he was. If I am being rational and honest, there are many many things about my past that he does not know, and that I would never want him to know as I think he'd be horrified. I also know that he truly loves me, and he has been so good to me. And I know that if he really wanted to be with this other person then he would be. But I just feel sick knowing what I know, and cannot stop my imagination running wild. Should I just forget about it and try to put it out of my head (hasn't really worked so far) or should I confront him with it? Some of the cards were just casually thrown in the pages of a book on the shelf so I wouldn't have had to be snooping to find them.

Help! Someone talk sense into me please!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Sometimes we just like to keep some things to ourselves. Maybe it ended badly & there's a lot of hurt there which he doesn't want to talk about.

Maybe the woman was in love but he wasn't. I've got a letter from a girl who was in love with me & from the way it's written you would think the feelings were mutual, though that was never the case.

Be very careful bringing it up. If I found out someone had been looking through my stuff & got upset about it I probably wouldn't see them in the same light anymore

metrovelvet

You can have trust or you can have fear. You cant have both. Pick one.

meglome

Personally I never ever talk about an ex to my girlfriend. I have nothing to hide whatsoever but I have never done it. And that goes for any girlfriend I've ever had. What's past is past. If you have no real reason to assume anything is wrong then let it go.

i am a lady

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Sometimes we just like to keep some things to ourselves. Maybe it ended badly & there's a lot of hurt there which he doesn't want to talk about.

Maybe the woman was in love but he wasn't. I've got a letter from a girl who was in love with me & from the way it's written you would think the feelings were mutual, though that was never the case.

Be very careful bringing it up. If I found out someone had been looking through my stuff & got upset about it I probably wouldn't see them in the same light anymore

Thanks for the advice. I know it was despicable to be snooping through his stuff. But as I say, some of them were not really hidden at all, just slipped inside a book on the shelf that anyone could have found. One of the cards I found was from him to her, not sent for some reason, so there is no doubt in my mind that the feelings were mutual. But obviously from the content of the cards there was some reason why it was hard for them to be together, but he was a free agent for a couple of years, so I don't really know why it didn't work out.

I think the feelings I have are a mix of guilt for looking through his stuff, confusion that he has not told me, fear that he might have kept other stuff from me, and then just good old-fashioned insecurity and jealousy. I have done a fabulous job of keeping all these feelings from him, but I hate pretending. It is making me literally sick to my stomach and I am not sleeping at night. I must sound like a right basket case to anyone reading this post. I know I need to pull myself together, stop analysing and get on with the business of being in love with a fantastic man who just happens to have some history that he has not shared with me (just as I have kept stuff from him). Why is it so flippin' hard??

i am a lady

metrovelvet wrote:

You can have trust or you can have fear. You cant have both. Pick one.

Fantastic point. Never thought of it that way. Thank you.

Marksie

i am a lady wrote:

Some of the cards were just casually thrown in the pages of a book on the shelf so I wouldn't have had to be snooping to find them.

Help! Someone talk sense into me please!

"some " of them were, though you indicate that you were in fact snooping.

1) This, wahtever it was, occurred before he met you.
2) If he is using it as a bookmark it mustn't be that serious in his mind.
3) You have trust and security issues, digging around will turn up something, and now you are fixed on it.
4) He may have not told you for a variety of reasons.
5) becasue he cheated on his ex wife and left her doesn't mean he will cheat on you.
6) you are working yourself up over the past but not his, whatever happened in yours is not out of your system i guess it is yours that is causing this.
8) you have things hidden from him, he may or may not have things hidden from you. Accept it. Unless you are goig to be 100% honest with each other then there are things in everyones past which will be hidden.

i am a lady

Marksie wrote:

"some " of them were, though you indicate that you were in fact snooping.

1) This, wahtever it was, occurred before he met you.
3) You have trust and security issues, digging around will turn up something, and now you are fixed on it.
5) becasue he cheated on his ex wife and left her doesn't mean he will cheat on you.
8) you have things hidden from him, he may or may not have things hidden from you. Accept it. Unless you are goig to be 100% honest with each other then there are things in everyones past which will be hidden.

All of the above very true and obviously things I need to work on. Not sure why I have trust issues as nobody has ever cheated on me (afaik) nor have I cheated on anyone. Just an insecure eejit then. Better sort that out for the sake of our future and my sanity!

davyjose

OP, I would get banned if I called you a bunnyboiler, but i'm close to it. what you did is about 5,000 times worse. He didn't betray your trust - can you say the same? I really think you need to lay off him, because confronting him could freak him out.

i am a lady

davyjose wrote:

OP, I would get banned if I called you a bunnyboiler, but i'm close to it. what you did is about 5,000 times worse. He didn't betray your trust - can you say the same? I really think you need to lay off him, because confronting him could freak him out.

I know what you are saying, although I don't consider myself bunnyboiler material, just insecure and yes, nosy. I think if you read my earlier posts you will see that I am more than aware that what I did was wrong and I regret it on so many levels. I will be taking the advice of all the posters here and will not mention it to the bf. Nor will I be poking my nose into his private stuff again as no good can come of that obviously.

davyjose

The reason I am being so harsh is to try and make you see that you are getting worked up over nothing (I don't think you're a bb for snooping - temptation is hard - but because you somehow feel wronged). If the boot was on the other foot, would you be as freaked out that he snooped on you? Or would you think that he had every right to be angry?

i am a lady

davyjose wrote:

The reason I am being so harsh is to try and make you see that you are getting worked up over nothing (I don't think you're a bb for snooping - temptation is hard - but because you somehow feel wronged). If the boot was on the other foot, would you be as freaked out that he snooped on you? Or would you think that he had every right to be angry?

Oh right. Well I would be annoyed if he looked through stuff that was private, though I would be surprised if he thought that an ex of mine was any threat to him or to what we have together. Put like that I can see it is really stupid to get worked up over this. I know it is my insecurity and overactive imagination (and inability to resist the temptation to snoop) that is the real problem here. Everything everyone has said here is more or less true and I know I have to put this behind me. That is the bit I am struggling with, but only I can solve that.

GuanYin

i am a lady wrote:

Ok, so you never ever find anything good when you go snooping,

No, nothing ever does. Besides which it's a sign that you don't trust him to begin with - if you did, why would you go snooping?

On the otherhand, you talk about trust. You're annoyed that he didn't trust you tell you and that he may have cheated on someone before.

However, you've been part of as serious a violation of trust as he has. More so perhaps.

No person is obliged to tell their partner everything. Sometimes people don't tell them things to protect them. Ever person is entitled to their privacy, even from the people they love.

Your violation of your partners privacy and your suspicions, which are based soley on your own conjecture are actual violations of trust, as opposed to the ones you are imagining for your boyfriend.

If I were you, I'd either confront him and own up or forget about it. If you confront him, in my opinion, yo uhave absolutely no moral highground to take. You invaded his privacy. You can be hurt that he didn't confide, but you must recognise his right not to confide. You on the other hand have no right whatsoever to violate his privacy.

Some of the cards were just casually thrown in the pages of a book on the shelf so I wouldn't have had to be snooping to find them.

So you can excuse your own actions and/or lie about your intent, but you're happy to be indignant about his?

I think you need to have a good hard look at yourself.

Binomate

Serves you right for snooping around in your boyfriends stuff. You're upset because he had a previous relationship to your current one. Oh the horror! It almost seems as if you were looking for trouble, since a) you went behind his back and b) you're making a big deal out of nothing.

seahorse

i am a lady wrote:

Some of the cards were just casually thrown in the pages of a book on the shelf so I wouldn't have had to be snooping to find them.

So why not make out you just came across them and ask about her? If I was in your position and it was eating me up to the degree that it seems to be eating you, I dont think I'd be content till I found out why he'd denied her existence.

And by the way, I think he was the first one to be dishonest and breach the trust in the relationship by denying this woman was ever a part of his life. Dont beat yourself up over a bit of snooping. He was the one to introduce craftiness into the relationship; all you did with the snooping was to follow it up with more of the same. Maybe you’d a gut feeling something was up, and if you did he can take a bow and claim responsibility for that too.

I've been with my bf four and a half years and there's no lies involved covering up aspects of our past. Why should there be? In your shoes, that's what I'd want to know...

King of Kings

davejose - OP was snooping - dunno why.
but tbh if he was lying about the reasons his marriage failed then he shows he is untrustworthy and she is right to question this man in her life.
lets be honest most of us wouldn't choose to be with somebody who ruined their
marriage through infidelity

calling her a bunnyboiler (or worse) is wrong and inconsiderate

Dave!

Binomate wrote:

Serves you right for snooping around in your boyfriends stuff. You're upset because he had a previous relationship to your current one. Oh the horror! It almost seems as if you were looking for trouble, since a) you went behind his back and b) you're making a big deal out of nothing.

I agree

Blisterman

It's usually best not to talk about exes, with your new partner.
Mystery beats History.

SarahSassy

You have no right to snoop in this personal possessions - would you do it to a friend/ family member/ colleague???? It's totally out of order, an invasion of his privacy and a serious breach of trust in your relationship. If your relationship is as good as you say it is then you should trust what he tells you.

I am assuming that you will not be able to put this behind you and, if not, you should act on it. I suggest you be a bit sneaky and pretend you found the card in one of the books and ask him about her..... Plan how to proceed when you hear his answer. I do agree that if you are planning on having a long term relationship with this guy that you know the truth behind why his marriage ended.

BTW, nosey people really annoy me!!!!!! For future reference you should remember the saying 'Get out of my life and stay in your own!!'.

spudington16

Why did you feel the need to snoop? Sounds like you have serious trust issues, especially if you claim to love each other. Everyone has the right to a few secrets... I doubt you tell him everything?

seahorse

Have to say I'm a bit gobsmacked at the amount of people willing to tell the OP she did something dreadful by having a bit of a nose to find out what was going on here. This looks like a straightforward case of snoopin vs spoofin to me. She's some sort of trust decimating demon because she went nosin, but it's ok for him to erase a whole relationship out of his history??? How is that balanced or fair???

If I found out that a man had been lying to me by omission from day one I'd want to know WHY - and since he'd already wreaked the trust with his lies, I'd regard it my right to do any amount of snoopin or whatever else I had to do to find out why he never wanted me to find out the relationship existed. It smells funny to me, that a man would go to the extent of pretending, over a prolonged period of time, that he'd never laid eyes on a woman who'd been a part of his life. Why would anyone do that??? Does no one else regard that as odd???!!

My bf and I dont tell eachother every detail of our past relationships, nor are either of us interested in hearing about that stuff, but I think it's only reasonable of us to expect to know at least of the existence of the people each of us has spent large chunks of our life with, for Gods sake!

OP, I'd be asking myself one question here: If he's nothing to hide, then why the hell is he hiding it???

GuanYin

She has no proof he's lying. She has no proof there was a relationship. She has no context for the letters.

He is not obliged to give every detail of his life to a partner, he has a right to privacy.

She violated his right to privacy.

Just because you're going out with someone it doesn't mean you own them and can invade their private life in any way you choose just because you're insecure.

If I found out that a partner did that to me, I'd dump them in a heartbeat.

seahorse

psi wrote:

She has no proof he's lying. She has no proof there was a relationship. She has no context for the letters.

The OP has no context for the letters precisely because he erased their author out of his life in every conversation he ever had regarding his past relationship history with her. No proof? She's got it in front of her in written from - what do you want? Pictures?

psi wrote:

He is not obliged to give every detail of his life to a partner

That suits her fine I'm sure, since she's not looking for every detail, or anything close to it.

psi wrote:

he has a right to privacy. She violated his right to privacy.

She has a right to honesty. He violated her right to honesty, and he was the first to do the violating.

psi wrote:

Just because you're going out with someone it doesn't mean you own them and can invade their private life in any way you choose just because you're insecure.

If there was anyone "insecure" in that relationship, judging by the content of the OP's posts, it was him. If I were to hazard a guess as to why he omitted to tell the truth about the existence of this person, I would say it was because he was insecure enough regarding the impact of the OP's views towards his past infidelities on his current relationship as to conjure his past partner in crime out of all existence.

psi wrote:

If I found out that a partner did that to me, I'd dump them in a heartbeat.

If I was in the OP's position and found those cards and notes the partner involved wouldnt get the chance to dump me because I'd already be gone.

I dont know how old you are, but I've been around the block enough times to know when something smells really off in a relationship. If a man is omitting to reveal an entire relationship the reason I've surmised here is about as innocent as it gets; the OP is lucky in that regard. I've heard of men maintain a peculiar silence about ex's because they battered them into womens shelters.

Really, for anyone who thinks this is a disgraceful and unfathomable thing to do - Grow up.

Thrill

seahorse wrote:

She has a right to honesty. He violated her right to honesty, and he was the first to do the violating.

Seahorse, did you not read this in the OP......

i am a lady wrote:

If I am being rational and honest, there are many many things about my past that he does not know, and that I would never want him to know as I think he'd be horrified.

If she has a right to keep her past private then so does he.


.

Zulu

seahorse wrote:

The OP has no context for the letters precisely because he erased their author out of his life in every conversation he ever had regarding his past relationship history with her. No proof? She's got it in front of her in written from - what do you want? Pictures?

Are you insane? He didn't want to talk about it for whatever reason. It's in the past - leave it there. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you need/have to confess every past relationship you've ever had.

That suits her fine I'm sure, since she's not looking for every detail, or anything close to it.

Well where do you draw the line? You seem happy enough to dump him because he didn't want to talk about it... Make up your mind.

...and he was the first to do the violating.

Lets not get confused. She went snooping. She found something she didn't like.

...I would say it was because he was insecure enough regarding the impact of the OP's views ...

Or maybe he knows she quite insecure. Maybe he suspected if he mentioned it, she would only want to know more and more. Perhaps he was trying to save her feeling, prevent this can of worms from being opened. We don't know. All we know is she invaded his privacy.

If I was in the OP's position and found those cards and notes the partner involved wouldnt get the chance to dump me because I'd already be gone.

Good work. Many relationships then?

I've heard of men maintain a peculiar silence about ex's because they battered them into womens shelters.

....and now he batters women. :rolleyes:

Really, for anyone who thinks this is a disgraceful and unfathomable thing to do - Grow up.

Grow up? Take your head out of your ar$e for one second and look at the actual facts.

i am a lady

ok, so there have been a lot of posts since i last wrote anything. i didn't come on here looking for anyone to justify my actions in reading my boyfriend's private stuff. i have already acknowledged several times that i know this was wrong and that i am sorry i ever did it. i have also acknowledged his right to a private life just as i have a right to mine. and yes, i violated that and i know that i have issues with security and trust, NOT caused by him. i didn't come looking for people to tell me what i already know, i guess i needed a resounding message of "pull yourself together you silly woman" from people who might have gone through these emotions.

i have already made my decision, which is to try and forget about it and to focus on building a future with this lovely man, who honestly has never given me any reason not to trust him. and the last poster might have hit the nail on the head, maybe he senses my insecurity and didn't want to add to it. or maybe he is afraid at my reaction. whatever. we'll never know will we, because i am not going to do anything about this. i have no automatic right to know about his past, nor he about mine. i have an obligation to respect him, and he has an obligation to respect me. i have a right to know about the present and the future and as long as that is going the right way (which it is) i would be a fool to ever jeopardise that with my own stupid behaviour.

thanks one and all, even those who were negative. most of it helps.

Victor

i am a lady wrote:

But I did...and found some old greeting cards/love notes from some woman to my bf.

I confronted my brother about 2 years ago as to how my music teacher in school knew who he was, as soon as she asked my name on the first day of school. When I asked 22 years ago, he freaked out and wouldn't tell me anything.

She used to send him Valentines cards, but it was completely a one-way thing. Perhaps this is in some way similar. He had complications, he couldn't be with her.

estar

i am a lady wrote:

Ok, so you never ever find anything good when you go snooping, and I wish now I never had. But I did...and found some old greeting cards/love notes from some woman to my bf. Now this happened a year or probably two years before me met, and it is not like I was never in love before we met. He is in his 40s, was married before and so I would not have been at all surprised if he'd had other serious relationships. The point is though that he never mentioned this woman, in fact he specifically said he hadn't been in love with anyone since he split with his ex-wife. He also said there was nobody else involved in their split. I am now doubtful about that as the dates and the content of the notes indicate that there was some reason for them not to be together, and so I am (perhaps hastily) drawing the conclusion that it was because he was not free. He knows that I am big time against cheating, so I think he was afraid to tell me - I mean, it is not something you pop into casual conversation, is it? I think that now the moment has passed and he doesn't know how to tell me. I hate knowing this and wish I had never poked my nose in.

I have to reiterate, I am not upset that he was in love before. I am upset that he has not told me about this person. I am upset that perhaps everyone else in his life knows about this and I don't. I am worried that if he cheated on his ex wife he could cheat on me. I am worried that he is not the man I thought he was. If I am being rational and honest, there are many many things about my past that he does not know, and that I would never want him to know as I think he'd be horrified. I also know that he truly loves me, and he has been so good to me. And I know that if he really wanted to be with this other person then he would be. But I just feel sick knowing what I know, and cannot stop my imagination running wild. Should I just forget about it and try to put it out of my head (hasn't really worked so far) or should I confront him with it? Some of the cards were just casually thrown in the pages of a book on the shelf so I wouldn't have had to be snooping to find them.

Help! Someone talk sense into me please!

you shouldnt have snooped, move on from it and dont say anything

dont be insecure.