ex giving weird signals

LegacyUser

its been a year since i broke up with this guy.
(background) he didnt treat me right and when we hit problems instead of working on it or reassuring me, he gave up on it. eventually after about 5 months we split. he was my first bf at 19. had a fling and two bfs since but he's not been with anyone but had serious crushes since.

(now) been with my current bf 8+ months, first time in love ect, happy as larry. but my ex is still a good friend of mine. he's always been affectionate, but he's been overly touchy feely with me. in the last week for example he's held my hand and when i took it away he took it back (he was on the phone at the time), he asked me to sit on his lap for a cuddle, he wanted us to take a nap together to "snuggle" and then the regular hugs ect.

we used to share a bed if i was out late and i stayed at his but it was making me uncomfortable how affectionate he was and how he crossed the line and it was pissing off my bf so i put a stop to it by telling him no. he said he couldnt understand what was wrong with it since he's like this with me always.

i know he's lonely but its not right but whenever i try to bring it up gentlely he looks so hurt and the he says im just reading into things.

sorry this is so long but what do i do?

Fwaggle

whatnow? wrote:

we used to share a bed if i was out late and i stayed at his but it was making me uncomfortable how affectionate he was and how he crossed the line

That's it right there. If it's making you uncomfortable, tell him to give it a rest. Personally, I would think that's a bit much for friends, some people won't but thats not the point really. If you are not happy with it then tell him to stop whether it hurts his feelings or not.

biko

Tell your current bf to explain the rules to the ex.

Wibbs

whatnow? wrote:

(now) been with my current bf 8+ months, first time in love ect, happy as larry.

Cool.

but my ex is still a good friend of mine.

We'll come back to that one....:D

he's always been affectionate

Good thing in a friend.

but he's been overly touchy feely with me. in the last week for example he's held my hand and when i took it away he took it back (he was on the phone at the time), he asked me to sit on his lap for a cuddle, he wanted us to take a nap together to "snuggle" and then the regular hugs ect.

Whoaaaa Hold the oul horses there. This is a male friend? An ex that you went out with for 5 months? That's stepping over the line a bit now. It's more than harmless flirting.

we used to share a bed if i was out late and i stayed at his but it was making me uncomfortable how affectionate he was and how he crossed the line and it was pissing off my bf so i put a stop to it by telling him no.

Again this is going a bit far and a big mistake on your part. You know that now though.

he said he couldnt understand what was wrong with it since he's like this with me always.

Frankly that's bull. More to the point manipulative bull.

i know he's lonely but its not right but whenever i try to bring it up gentlely he looks so hurt and the he says im just reading into things.

Beyond being a normal friend, his loneliness is not your problem. Also the hurt etc sounds manipulative again.

sorry this is so long but what do i do?

For your sake and the sake of your new relationship, you really need to establish clear boundaries. No more "cuddles", no more hand holding and defo no more sleeping in the same bed. Don't back down from that, no matter how many hangdog looks he gives you. If you do you're the one who is giving out "weird signals". You can't change his behaviour but you can change yours. In any case, if he is a true friend he wouldn't be putting you in such an uncomfortable position. End of. Your new fella has been understanding about this. Fair play to him, but sooner or later it will píss him off and may sour that affection he has for you. Don't let that happen.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Wibbs pretty much hit the nail on the head there.

He's lonely so his brain's thinking "familliar territory, i can get away with anything I try here"

Once you sleep with someone & you're friendly with them it's always in your head that it could happen again. It's obviously not here so just be strict about the snuggling etc

LegacyUser

thanks for the feedback.
my bf is very understanding thankfully and trusts me that i always do my best to reject my friend and dont want him. even my bf thought i was maybe misreading things until i told him of the replies here and of what my friends said. i was worried my friends were being biased so i came here for a second opinion, thanks.

i think i'l bring it up next time im alone with him. i know this will embarass the hell outa him but it makes me feel like he's using me and tricking me into feeling its all in my head like he used to when we were together. its made me mad at him the more i've thought about it since writing this post so its me and my bfs feelings that i'l care only about now, not his, no matter how gulity he tries to make me feel.

he says he's like this with one or two girls he grew up with but the only time i ever heard of them sharing a bed, is when they'res a big gang of them and he hardly sees them unless its summer or holidays. this has been the main excuse he's given.

thanks Wibbs, the point about it could end up as me giving weird signals if i let this continue really hit me.